A/N – So, this is a little one shot that popped into my head during today's show. It's meant to take place sometime before the show ever started. I haven't really worked within the parameters of the show in awhile, so it was a little challenging, but I think it works. Let me know what you think!
More Than a Memory
Lulu stopped just short of the door in front of her. What right did she really have to be there visiting Johnny? Not only was the love long forgotten between them, but also the friendship. The friendship being gone was mostly her doing. She sighed to herself and took a step back. She knew she had alienated a lot of people. Her family and friends warned her against Dante, but she chose him anyway. She tended to always do the exact opposite of what everyone told her.
The only one who hadn't warned her away from Dante was Johnny. She thought it was him just not caring for a long time. But it wasn't like Johnny not to care. Not where she was concerned. Maybe he just knew her tendency to rebel better than she did. Maybe he knew that by saying anything, he would push her further into Dante's arms.
But it was hard to tell what Johnny was doing because she never got the chance to ask him. It was like they somehow never saw each other anymore, which didn't make much sense. They had all the same people as friends. Her brother was his best friend. But Lulu was pretty sure there was a reason, more of a choice, that they didn't see each other. Johnny didn't want to see her. He couldn't in good conscience look at her with Dante and not say anything anymore.
Johnny had been the one friend she had alienated without confrontation or discussion. He had simply stopped speaking to her or being around her because he knew her choice. Johnny and Dante were enemies and if she was standing with Dante, she was standing against Johnny. And somehow, that hurt her worse than anything.
How could she ever stand against Johnny? How could she stand against the man who had risked it all for her time and time again? How could she stand against the man who first held her heart?
She couldn't really. Johnny may have thought that she was, but she found herself naturally coming to Johnny's defense every time Dante would bring his work home. Dante, always trying to believe Sonny, could argue, try and show her facts, but she wouldn't budge. Because if she had to pick a side, it was Johnny's side every time.
Lulu considered just leaving. What good would it do for her to go sit by Johnny's bedside, anyway? He was unconscious and would never know she was there. Maybe that's why she had come to the hospital as soon as she heard. She wanted to see him because it had been so long and she knew it was her only chance. The only way to see him was if Johnny didn't have a say. She sighed again. Why had it come to this for them? He didn't want to see her because of who he thought she had become. She couldn't bear to see him because everything he thought was right and she couldn't face it.
The door in front of her opened and her head snapped up. Olivia looked shocked to see Lulu standing there, but offered her a smile.
"He's still unconscious," Olivia muttered. "I don't think I can sit here anymore."
"He shouldn't be alone when he wakes up," Lulu pointed out.
"If he wakes up," Olivia corrected. "There are no guarantees he will."
"I know he will," Lulu replied. "He's too stubborn to die without finding out if Sonny's really going to be put in prison this time."
"Dante's not going to let Sonny go to jail for this," Olivia sighed.
"What?" Lulu asked.
"Oh, honey, we both know that Sonny's telling the truth," Olivia explained. "Johnny provoked him. It was self defense."
"I don't think leaving a man to bleed to death in the street can ever be sold as self defense," Lulu said coldly. "And if it can, I understand a little more why my father has never trusted the system."
"I know that you're upset that Johnny's in that bed, but you're letting your bias against Sonny cloud your judgment," Olivia argued.
"Maybe I am," Lulu admitted, walking past Olivia into Johnny's room. "But it's pretty obvious to me that you're letting your bias for Sonny cloud yours, too. Johnny is unconscious because Sonny shot him and if you really cared about Johnny the way you claim to, you wouldn't be looking for excuses for Sonny."
"Is that some kind of accusation?" Olivia wondered.
"No, it's an observation," Lulu replied. "Weren't you leaving?"
"I was, but-" Olivia tried.
"Good," Lulu cut in. "I wanted to talk to Johnny anyway."
"I'll be back later," Olivia said, turning and walking out.
Lulu closed the door behind her and turned to face Johnny. Her heart broke slightly at the sight. He wasn't supposed to look like that. Dependent on machines to help keep him living was not the way he was supposed to be. Johnny was never dependent on anything. She walked slowly to the edge of his bed and took a seat next to him.
"You know, you would probably have a fit if you could see your hair right now," Lulu said, giggling softly. "All of that crazy gel stuff is gone and it's sticking up in weird places. Maybe I'll call Ethan and tell him to swing by your place and get some of it so he can fix your hair. On second thought, that's pretty weird."
Lulu laughed even harder. She always did ramble when she had so much to say, but nowhere to begin with saying it.
"Sorry for fighting with Olivia," Lulu muttered. "I guess I'm just really angry with Sonny and anyone who sees anything good in that bastard."
Lulu let her eyes roam over his face and smiled slightly at how at ease he seemed. No tension about a coming mob war. No anger or grief over Claudia's death. She couldn't remember the last time she had seen him like that.
"You probably think I'm lying anyway, right?" Lulu asked. "I don't get angry with Dante when he defends Sonny. But I do, I really do. I just keep it all in. It's not exactly the Spencer thing to do, but I have to keep quiet where he's concerned. I've given up a lot to be with him and if I lost him...I'd pretty much be alone."
Lulu shook her head at her own admission. It was true. And so sad.
"I wasn't sure if it was okay for me to come at first," Lulu admitted. "You and I have...drifted apart? That sounds sort of cheesy. We're just not at all who we used to be and it's like I can't go with my first instinct where you're concerned anymore. Like, you've been shot, I need to be there. Except, we haven't talked in months, so why would I need to be here?"
Lulu frowned as she considered her own question.
"It would be nice if you would wake up and answer me, you know?" Lulu whispered. "I mean, why do I feel the need to uphold promises we made to each other in practically another lifetime?"
Lulu closed her eyes and unconsciously grabbed his hand. When they were together, shortly after her stint in Shadybrook, they promised to always be there for each other through tough times. To hold each other's hand through the fire and be an eternal supporter even when things looked bleak. But they weren't together anymore.
"I guess I think that some promises you just keep forever," Lulu said softly. "I know that if somehow the situations were reversed, you would be here, checking on me. You might not get to come in and sit with me, but you would always know the exact state of my condition. And I owe it to us, to what we used to be, to do the same."
Lulu felt a tear slip down her cheek. She wiped it away with her free hand and then took Johnny's hand in both of hers.
"Is it weird to you to think of us in the past tense, sometimes? " Lulu wondered. "To know that pretty much the only thing we have left is memories? Like that time I caught Sonny, ready to kill you on the docks. You were unarmed then, but he didn't care. Even then, before we ever made love and a long time before I admitted to loving you, I was paralyzed by the fear of losing you. And I still am."
Lulu sighed yet again and willed back the tears that were forming in her eyes. The problem with seeing Johnny for her wasn't really the shame of how well he knew her and how he could see she had changed. She knew she had changed and she had accepted that she couldn't get back who she used to be. The problem with seeing Johnny was and would always be that her sense of time always got lost with him. Suddenly, they weren't lovers of the past, but the present. Every feeling for him that she thought she had buried sprang to the surface and demanded to be recognized. Their love was so much more than she could ever lock away in her memories.
"I know you're not going to die, Johnny," Lulu said after a few minutes. "You still have so much to do. So much more havoc to create in Sonny's life."
Lulu laughed slightly at that. She knew it was true and though it was dangerous, it was funny that Johnny would find it something to live for.
"I know you're going to live," Lulu said, squeezing his hand. "I just hope that your life is everything it should be. Not just what you think it should be, either. You're worth so much more than you give yourself credit for."
Lulu heard the door open and she let go of Johnny's hand, expecting it to be Olivia. She looked toward the person and found Dante in the doorway.
"I came to check to see if he was awake to give his statement," Dante said, looking very curious as to what Lulu was doing there.
"Not yet," Lulu sighed, looking at Johnny again.
"I guess he may never be," Dante replied.
"He will be," Lulu said confidently. "He's just resting up first."
"What are you doing here, anyway?" Dante asked.
Lulu closed her eyes and wondered what she should say. She knew Dante could never really understand the bond she shared with Johnny. She also knew he was far too arrogant to give it the jealousy it deserved.
"Keeping a promise," Lulu answered, smiling at Johnny.
"Well, you should probably take off," Dante said, oblivious to the meaning behind Lulu's words. "Visiting hours are about over and you probably don't want Epiphany to bust you."
"I probably don't," Lulu agreed, never taking her eyes off of Johnny.
"Well?" Dante said expectantly.
"I'll meet you in the hall," Lulu said, giving him a brief smile.
He left the room and she turned back to Johnny and placed her hand over his, giving it a final squeeze.
"I know," Lulu said, shaking her head at what she assumed Johnny was thinking. "But I promise, I'm on your side. Always."