Esme

I was busy going over the blueprints to another house that we just bought that we were going to restore. The children were all over the place - Rose and Emmett were out on another honeymoon having just gotten married. Alice, Jasper, Edward and Bella were working on their homework - Bella was failing Math and English, so they were tutoring her in it. Carlisle was at work - he got called in due to being short staffed. I ran my hand through my caramel colored hair and leaned back against the headrest of her office chair, I kicked off my black heels and ran my left foot over my right scratching a not-so-real scratch.

It was that time of year again - that was always the most hardest on me. Today would've been my younger sister - Anna Evangeline - birthday, she would have been 75. I hadn't seen my sister since I was 21 and married to Charles. My sister was 11 years younger than me. I could not find anything on Anna after her transformation.

It was like Anna had completely dropped off the planet. I grabbed the small photo album from my past that I had, looking back at the family photo's - My mom and dad were always hard on me - pressuring me into the marriage with Charles, telling me school wasn't important.

I secretly hoped they wouldn't do the same thing to sweet little Anna. I always hoped Anna was able to get far away from them and create her own happiness and not try and please their parents. It wasn't right! They shouldn't of used their children for their own personal gain!

It also didn't help that it was also my baby - Carter James - birthday. He would have been 54 years old. The pain never dulled over losing a child and I often thought about him and look at the only picture I had of him that was in my hear-shaped locket that Carlisle gave me as a wedding present. I often think of what he would have become if he hadn't died, those beautiful blue eyes - blonde hair and sweet pink skin. The smell of his scent, it was wonderful. I swear I could still smell it sometimes just by looking at his picture.

He was a beautiful baby, he was a big baby also - 9 pounds 2oz and 19 inches long. He would of been an amazing person had he had the chance to grow up...I quickly wiped my eyes feeling the tears fall from them. It also didn't help that the memories of Charles came back - flooding hard and quick.

I hated that man! I would never say it out loud - But I really disliked that man - He hurt me so much... He caused me so much pain and harm in general..

I slumped over and laid my head down on the table trying to calm down, but my chest was tightening and having to force myself to inhale and exhale. It was like having a panic attack episode so to speak My body just went with the flow of it all. I shook hard and took some deep hard breathes and let out a silent hard sob. It wasn't going away - instead the tightening intensified and the false-pounding got faster. I gripped at my chest and let out a scream and cry.

I didn't even realize the warm embrace of Carlisle's arms around me rubbing my arms and pulling close. I shook my head and pushed my head back against his shoulder and sobbed louder this time. I couldn't let it go.

"Esme, deep breathes." Carlisle whispered trying to help. "Feel my breathing." He cooed into my ear. I shook her head and let out another hard deep sob, just falling apart in his arms. Forcing myself to breathe - trying to keep with Carlisle's rhythm. The psychological burning in my 'chest' finally started subsiding. It never hurt this much before... I still couldn't believe I was having a panic attack..

"I…...I miss them…...so much…Carlisle..." I croak out burying my head in his arms, I didn't even care right now if the children heard - They probably left, they knew what the dates meant to me and how much it hurt. They were great about giving my the space to have my grievance ritual.

" I know sweetheart. They miss you too." He said rubbing my back and just holding my close in his lap. I just stayed their forcing myself to calm down. I gave a final exhale and sat up wiping my face. "I'm okay." I said sitting up. It always felt better to cry it out.

Carlisle placed his hands on my face and kissed me softly. "I know when you're not okay. It's getting worse every year Esme." He said worried, looking deep into my eyes. I never really realized it was getting worse. I thought it was getting better.

"Carlisle. I'll be okay." I said forcing a smile. "The dates are just really hard." I said putting the album away and fixing my shirt.

Carlisle reached out and grabbed my hand and pulled me into his lap. " I wish I could help you more." He whispered kissing my neck. I sighed. "Me too… I just wish i knew what happened to her Carlisle.. It makes me sick to my stomach not knowing.." I finally admitted. I laid my head on his shoulder.

He rubbed my back. "We will start looking more." He promised just holding me tightly. I just nodded and closed my eyes.

Carlisle and I just remained in the quiet and peace, relaxing and trying to forget. I bit my lower lip and felt my stomach tighten. I hated feeling this way. It seems to be worse this year - now more than ever for some reason..

Note: Tough chapter. I know it's hard going through a panic attack and dealing with PTSD which Esme and Angel will both be going through.

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