You watch him pace around the apartment, clasping and unclasping his hands as if he'd like to crush something between them. You watch him lie on the couch that is pockmarked with cigarette burns, completely still and deep in thought. You watch him fail at attempts to cook, rarely, and only when he's not busy plotting, but you offer no assistance because you've never even cooked a piece of toast that wasn't burnt.
You watch him with the sort of reverence typically reserved for people you truly love, and you suppose this is accurate because you've only loved two people before, and now one of them is dead and one of them is him, and you're not entirely sure but you think he might be dead soon, too.
You watch him, and you pay close attention to his eyes—clear and piercing—and you wonder how he managed to fool so many people, because you can see the fear in his eyes as plainly as you can see the burning end of your cigarette.
You watch him talk to you, occasionally, and then you have to look at him like you just noticed his presence, which is ridiculous but necessary. And the only things he says to you are updates on his plan, but he prefaces them by calling you an affectionate nickname and the jumble of emotions in your gut that this brings forth makes you nauseous.
You watch him and hope that you don't have to lose him, but you've always been a realist, and you know his fate is sealed, as is yours.
You watch him and hope he can at least feel a measure of peace before his world, and yours, crumbles, or explodes, or simply ceases to be; but you know he won't be at peace until the enemy has been beaten, and you're not sure that either of you are going to live to see that.
You watch him and hope that he doesn't notice, because caring never made anything easier and you both know that.
But he's always watching you, too.
A/N: These poor boys just bring out all the angst in me. Anyway, three notes-the now-dead person that Matt loved can be whoever you want it to be; I wrote it thinking it was his mother. Mello's affectionate nickname for Matt is, of course, Mattie. And the title of this fic comes from the song I was listening to when I wrote it. I tend to do that a lot. Hope you enjoyed!