"Is something wrong, Ma?"
Michaela looked up from her plate, startled by Brian's question. "No, why do you ask, Brian?"
"Well, you haven't touched your dinner, and you're never this quiet".
Michaela let a small smile grace her mouth, amused by how observant Brian always was.
"I'm fine, sweetheart. I guess I'm just a little preoccupied". The truth was she couldn't get that morning's meeting with the Reverend off her mind. She and Sully had met with Reverend Johnson for pre-marital counseling, and it hadn't ended well. She got so upset that she asked Sully to give her some time by herself. After spending the day- and now suppertime- without him, however, she wasn't any less tense than she had been that morning. Michaela realized that space wasn't the answer this time. She needed to talk to him, and try to work out what the real problem was.
"Children, I think I need some air. Would you mind if I went out for a while?"
"It'll be dark soon", Matthew said.
"Thank you, Matthew. I'll be safe, I promise. I just need to clear my head. Can you please stay with Colleen and Brian, and make sure they do their homework?"
Matthew looked at her closely, gauging her mood. "Sure, Dr. Mike," he said after a moment. "Okay kids, you heard Ma, I'm in charge!"
Colleen started to protest, when she noticed the laughter dancing in Matthew's eyes.
"Anything you say, big brother" she joked back.
Michaela gathered her shawl, and headed for the door. "I won't be too late, but don't wait up for me, okay?"
The children hugged her goodbye, and were soon absorbed in supper once again.
As she set out on the path towards Sully's lean to, she forced herself to admit what was really bothering her. Their talk with the Reverend had led them to a discussion of intimacy, and marital relations. Michaela tried to stay calm, but her nerves surfaced when Sully told her she didn't have to be scared. He had meant to assure her, but she was tense and defensive immediately. Why couldn't she just keep her emotions in check? Why did even the thought of being with Sully unnerve her so much? Lost in her thoughts, she hadn't realized how close to the lean to she now was, and came upon Sully quite unprepared to face him.
"Michaela, what are you doing here?" Sully was so startled to see her that the words escaped before he realized it. After seeing the disappointment at the greeting she received, he realized that it had come out wrong.
"Hello, Sully. I hope I'm not bothering you?" she said it as a question, meaning to leave if he wanted her to.
"Of course not! I'm sorry; I'm just surprised to see you. Come, sit down", he patted the space next to him in front of the small fire he had made to brew and heat the coffee.
Slowly, she made her way over to him. She was nervous, and certain that it showed all over her face. How could she broach such a delicate topic?
"I'm glad to see you, after this morning. I didn't feel right about how we left things." He started for her, as if reading her mind. Michaela exhaled in relief and gratitude.
"It's been on my mind all day," she admitted softly.
"What has?" He could see the change in her eyes, and wondered what exactly she had come to say.
"Our talk with the Reverend… how I acted… what I accused you of." She had said that maybe he wanted another woman. Why did she say that? It echoed inside her mind, sounding worse each time.
Suddenly it came spilling forth, "I'm so sorry, Sully, I don't know how I could have said that to you! I don't really think you want someone else, I just get so nervous sometimes, and my insecurities get the better of me." She was nearly whispering by the end, feeling strangled by her fears.
He stared at her, letting the words hang in the air between them. Finally, she looked away, unable to hold his eyes any longer. The silence was frightening. Was he still angry with her?
Sully reached out to hold her hand, bringing her eyes back to his.
"Michaela…" What could he say to soothe her?
"Sully," she started in a small voice, "awhile ago I tried to talk about this, but you said it wasn't time yet. You said we couldn't skip any chapters."
He remembered; when he tried to share Whitman's poems with her and she pulled away. He sighed, feeling responsible for her unease. "I thought it would help."
"It did," she interrupted. "But time is running out now, in a way. And I'm excited; I can't wait for our new life to start." She paused, trying to gather the courage to say what was weighing on her.
"I am scared, you were right about that. I'm scared that I won't know how to be a good wife, how to be what you want-"
"You are what I want! Just by being you. Don't you know how happy you make me?" Sully held her hand tighter, trying to help her see what she meant to him. But then, he understood. What she'd been edging around for so long crystallized in his mind.
Proximity.
Intimacy.
Freedom.
The freedom that propriety forbids those who are not married. An ironic laugh escaped him, and she flinched. He squeezed her hand again, softly. "I get it now," quietly, slowly. She read it in his expression. He understood. "Is there anything I can say to help?" He wasn't sure what she wanted- to speak, or to listen.
"I'm not sure. I guess we should both just be as honest as we can. This is difficult for me, talking about such topics, but I can't ignore it any longer," she paused again. The heat from the fire suddenly infused her with warmth. "I want you to be… pleased with… our physical life together. I trust you, Sully, and I know that you'll be gentle and patient. I just… don't want to let you down."
"Can I say something?" He didn't wait for her answer, "I think being with you is going to be wonderful- you're going to be wonderful- because you're you." He paused, and then continued, "You do something to me just by walking into the room. Do you know how far you've come with me? You used to jump when I got close to you, and now you let me hold you! I know I push you at times, and I don't mean to hurt or scare you in any way, I just love being near you."
He stopped for a moment, to allow his words to sink in, "We'll go by what makes you comfortable from now on- time is not running out. I'd wait for you forever, Michaela."
The tears that had been hiding in the corners of her eyes escaped, and ran in happy little tracks down her cheeks. The air around her was no longer pressing on her, making her feel like she was a caged animal that had suddenly realized the door to its trap was open. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply.
She felt Sully's fingers gently wipe away the moisture from her face. He had meant what he said; he wouldn't take anything from her that she wasn't willing to give to him freely. Time didn't matter. Just because the Reverend pronounced them husband and wife didn't mean Sully would expect something from her. The relief this realization brought her was palpable. She felt like the control was back in her hands. She and Sully could make these decisions together when it was right for them.
She saw the hesitation in his eyes when she opened hers. He needed to know she'd heard what he said. Leaning slowly toward him, she touched his lips with her own. He relaxed beneath this gesture, and they both felt calmer than they had all day.
He pulled her closer to him, then cursed himself and pulled away. Hadn't he just said he'd wait?
Michaela caught his reaction, and boldly tugged him back in towards her. She wrapped her arms around him and whispered in his ear, "Where do you think you're going?"
He tentatively put his arms around her, saying "I wanted to give you your space. I don't want to do anything to make you nervous."
"Sully, I don't feel nervous now; maybe for the first time ever. I feel like I am finally allowed to admit that I…want to be close to you." It was easier now, to face the reality. It was easier to say these things when they weren't looking at each other, but could still feel the steady thump of their hearts' against each other.
He tightened his hold on her slightly, reveling in her bravery, loving her for it.
"You do something to me, too, Sully. I don't know how to put it into words. When you're near me, it's harder to focus. I want to… to…"
He read her mind again, "You can tell me anything you want to."
Deep breath, "I want to reach out, touch you, feel your skin against mine." She said it, out loud. What would he think?
"Well, I encourage that!" He laughed softly, changing the mood between them, making it lighter.
She sat back a little and looked into his eyes. They were so trusting; so unwavering. A surge of power shot through her. Instead of fearing that she'd disappoint him, she saw clearly that she had the ability to make him happy. She knew how much she wanted to.
Michaela kissed him again, let her hand rest at the open collar of his shirt. His skin was hot, and it warmed her fingers. Slowly, he deepened the kiss, opening his mouth under hers. She took his cue, opened her mouth. Their tongues touched - did she initiate that? - and a fire flamed to life. Her body responded in ways she wasn't used to, the tight rein of control she always kept hold of gone now. She was swirling, spinning, senses reeling. Sully felt it, the way she had opened up to the experience of this kiss, and it made his heart fill with joy. She was in the moment, taking it for herself and giving it to him at the same time. There was no fear, no nerves. She wasn't holding back.
Her hand slipped further into his open shirt, fingers exploring his body. She felt the goose bumps under her touch. She broke off the kiss. "Are you cold, Sully? You're shivering."
The question was a serious one; she was concerned for him. "I'm not cold. Just…" he trailed off.
"Just what?" It was his turn to be shy, though that wasn't usually his manner.
"Just happy, that you're here with me." He looked at her, trying to gauge her reaction. She contemplated his words; she knew what he meant, knew that her caresses and kisses were bringing him pleasure. This knowledge excited her further, made her want to continue exploring this side of their relationship. She couldn't contain her happiness. It bubbled to the surface, making her glow in the semi-darkness. She reached out to him again.
Sully took his time meeting her lips with his own, teasing them both by kissing first one side of her mouth, then the other. She made a small sound in the back of her throat, and ended the torture, grabbing his face in her hands and kissing him soundly. He had never seen her this way, confident, sure of what she wanted with him physically, and showing it. Her fears had plagued her for so long, plagued them. This new freedom between them was intoxicating.
Abruptly, she stopped. She stood up, taking Sully's hand and leading him over to the lean to. She lay down inside, trying to pull him with her.
"Michaela, what-"
She interrupted him.
"I want to get a little more comfortable. Will you lay down with me, just for awhile?"
Was he pushing her? He didn't want to make a mistake, either by accepting an uncertain invitation, or by rejecting her just as she was starting to accept this shared intimacy.
"I know what I'm doing", she said, her voice calm, reassuring.
He lay down next to her, keeping a space between them, allowing her to set the boundaries. She moved closer to him, pulled his arm around her. The weight felt comforting, secure. She sighed happily and breathed in his scent. He smelled like the woods.
He traced lazy circles on her back.
"Comfortable?" he asked her. "Mmhmm. This is even better than I imagined it would be." She looked up at him, leaned further into him. His eyes watched her face, his own desire reflected back at him. She brought her mouth to his, trying to stop the longing she felt by feeding it. It only grew stronger, though, and soon he rolled on top of her, kissing her deeply. She couldn't get enough of him, of the way he was making her feel in this instant. She moaned loudly in spite of herself, and he hugged her tighter.
"Michaela, you are so beautiful." He moved his lips to her ear, lightly licking and tickling her earlobe. She squirmed under the sweet torture, and giggled from deep within. The sound was a melody he wanted to hear again, so he traveled down the line of her neck, and gently poked her sides, making her laugh harder. "Sully, that tickles!" "I'm not doing anything," he said innocently. She laughed louder, grabbing at his sides in payback. He jerked at the sensation, and she realized that he was just as ticklish as she. Mercilessly, they attacked each other, until Michaela found herself touching the warm skin of his back. In their struggle, his shirt got bunched up around his torso.
The laughter died, their heavy breathing the only sound now besides the crackle of the campfire. She stilled her fingers, only to start them again, moving over the newly exposed skin. He held his breath, letting her draw lines on his back, trying to stay calm and failing miserably. Her touch was amazing.
She trailed along where his shirt lay, pushing a little higher, seeing if it would give. Adding more pressure to her caress, she traveled down, feeling the edge of his buckskins, from his left side across to his right. He watched her eyes, his own turning inky black with desire. Carefully, she allowed her hands to roam over his backside, catching the hitch in his breath as she did. She leaned up to him, kissing him slowly. He responded to her, rubbing his thumb back and forth where it had come to rest at her side. He brought his hand higher, to just under her breast. She squirmed again, kissing him harder, trying to convey what was reverberating in her head… 'Keep going'. His thumb resumed its back and forth, inching so slowly over her breast she thought she would scream. Without knowing it, she had begun to move her hands over his backside, mimicking the movement of his thumb at her breast. His lips journeyed to her neck, and she laid her head back trying to slow her breathing.
"Michaela, you okay?" he mumbled as he kissed her neck.
"Yes. Getting a bit warm, though" She was trying to reach between them, open the button at her neck. He heard what she had said, and rolled to his side.
"I sure had fun kissing you…" he figured that she was preparing to leave.
She looked at him, puzzled. "Oh, I wasn't leaving… I mean, I can if you want me to…" Embarrassment flooded her, and she stopped mid sentence.
"No! I don't want you to!" He said it so earnestly that she smiled, relieved. Her courage returning, she shared with him her actual intent "I was going to undo a few buttons, get a little air, maybe. Would you help me?"
He smiled, remembering another time he'd helped her with her buttons. "Okay, if you're sure". "I am, Sully." He released the top two, "A couple more please, I'll say when" she said. After a moment, he looked up from his task, "Michaela, this is the last button."
"I know."
He stared at her, waiting.
"The air feels so good, that I think I'll just take this off for a minute," as she spoke she wriggled out of her shirt and placed it to the side. He gathered her to him again, laying back down on his side and shielding her from an errant breeze. He was overwhelmed by her. She was really comfortable with him, dropping her guard, following the cues of her body. Desire flooded him again. He kissed her neck, nuzzling her. She lay flat and pulled him back onto her. He placed open-mouthed kisses from her neck to her chest. Hesitantly, he placed a faint kiss to her breast through the thin fabric of her camisole. She shuddered, ran her fingers through his hair. He placed his palm on her breast, and searched for her eyes.
She kept her hands in his hair when she felt him raise his head. She opened her eyes to find him looking at her. All she could do was smile and blush. She felt amazing.
He made her feel amazing.
She pulled at his shirt, wanting to be a little closer to him. He allowed her to remove it, lay on her again. "Am I crushing you?"
"No. You feel good right here." She hugged him a little closer. He rubbed his hand up and down her arm, to her side, and back to her breast again. He felt himself respond, and tried to roll to his side. She held tight to him, though, and he didn't know what to do. What if she realized how excited he was? Would she be frightened?
Michaela's eyes grew larger when she felt him. She saw the concern in his face. "Is this okay, Sully? Am I…" "You're fine, Michaela. I just don't want to upset you, or hurt you."
"I'm not hurt." She paused, trying to go on, "I am a little…thrown by how… exciting this all is." She waited for his response. "I guess I am, too." He grinned sheepishly. She couldn't help it, she laughed out loud.
"I love you, Byron Sully!"
"Michaela…" His voice trailed off, and she blushed. He was looking at her so intensely, as if he could see inside her. She traced her finger over his bottom lip, and he nearly lost it. They kissed again as she started moving beneath him. Her body was responding so strongly, of its own volition. She needed to be closer to him, to relieve the tension building inside her.
"Sully?" she said between kisses, "I want to…"
He looked at her, questioning her with his eyes.
"I don't want to let things get out of control… but I still want to be a little closer to you." She hoped he understood what she meant, but she wasn't even sure herself. He kept staring at her, his silence prompting her to continue. She tried to work it out, "I just want to be a little closer, maybe… without this between us?" As it became clear to her, she started removing her camisole. It seemed so obvious now. Her skin against his. That was the answer.
"Michaela, are you sure you're okay with this? I don't want to do anything wrong… but -"
"You don't want to stop yet, either" she finished for him.
"No… but only as long as you're okay."
She let her actions speak for her, and finished taking off her camisole. He looked into her eyes, giving her time to adjust to the reality of what she had done; what they were doing together.
She pulled him down on top of her, his chest against hers. It was exhilarating. Her heart sped up, and her nipples hardened beneath him. He felt this, and leaned down to kiss her again, opening their mouths and touching her tongue with his. He felt so grateful for her trust, her faith in him. He thought he'd burst with joy. Again, he slowly traced a path from her lips, down her neck, further. He caressed her breast with his hand, feeling the pounding of her heart under it. Gently, he kissed her heartbeat, then brought his lips to her nipple. She gasped, twisting under him, feeling his mouth taking her in. Unconsciously she leaned up into him. It was as if her body possessed knowledge she wasn't aware of. On some level, she knew what to do to please them both.
Michaela ran her hands up and down his body, trying to appease the desire she felt burning inside her. She felt the same fire burning in Sully, too.
"Teach me what to do…"
His need to be with her was so powerful, he didn't know how to contain it. But he felt that they were walking a fine line right now, and he didn't want to jeopardize how far they had come tonight. Softly, he kissed his way back up to her face. Looking deep in her eyes, he tried so hard to communicate his love, his gratitude for her very existence.
"Michaela, do you know how incredible it is to be here with you?" She felt the night coming to an end, and sadness began to take hold of her.
"No, Sully… not yet."
"Yes, love… will you let me walk you home? Can't let anything happen to you. I couldn't live without you." He smiled so big, and for so many reasons, that it took up his whole face. "I am the luckiest man in the whole world, what did I ever do to deserve you?" He was ebullient, giddy over the love he felt for her. He nuzzled close into her neck. "I can't wait until we're married, 'til we wake up together every morning! I'm going to take such good care of you and our kids, I promise."
"You already do, Sully" she giggled. This carefree side of him didn't come out often, but when it did his enthusiasm was contagious.
"Even more- you are my life. I don't know how to tell you what you mean to me-"
"You don't have to. You show me everyday. I feel it in everything you do for us. I'm the lucky one, Sully. Especially tonight."
She grasped his hand, tears springing to her eyes. "How can I tell you what you've done for me tonight? You helped me overcome my fears, made me realize that we can do anything together!" She took a deep breath, looked him straight in the eyes, "I can't wait to be with you."
She reached out, stroked his sides with her hands. He breathed in the scent of her hair, feeling himself harden again. "Michaela, you're making it difficult to let you go home." He kissed her deeply, feeling the heat rise between them again.
She kissed him back, then caught herself. "I'm sorry, Sully" she slowed her hands, rested them on his backside, gave him a small squeeze. "I think you've created a monster!" Laughter overtook her, and she squirmed beneath him. He couldn't help but laugh too. This had been a wonderful night for them. Life changing, even. Michaela sighed softly, knowing it was time to put herself back together and get home before she could change her mind. Truthfully she knew that Sully was the one who had protected her on this night. She never would have anticipated it, but she knew that she would have let things continue if the opportunity had presented itself. This secret knowledge made her feel bold, but she also felt grateful to Sully for protecting her- them- they had all the time in the world to be together once they married. They could wait until the wedding.
He helped her dress, and walked her back to the homestead. "I don't know how I'll ever sleep tonight. I feel too…"
"Me, too." He grinned sheepishly at her, "of course, we need to rest now, when we have the chance. Soon, we'll be too busy to sleep."
"Sully!" she blushed despite herself. He hugged her to him, glad that she was still his shy Michaela beneath her newfound freedom.
"Love you, so much. Get some sleep, and I'll see you in the morning, okay?"
"Hmm, love you too. Sully, thank you for… this. Thank you for loving me."
"I'll love you 'til the end of time."
They stood together, wrapped in each other's arms for several more minutes before they were able to separate. It was almost physically painful to let go, but the knowledge that soon they wouldn't have to say goodbye at the end of a night sustained them.
"Night, Sully. I'll see you in the morning."
"Promise?"
"I promise" she said.
He walked away slowly, before turning to speak once more: "Sweet dreams."
She laughed quietly at that, her boldness from earlier returning.
"Oh, don't worry. They will be."