Once, when Rick was little, he had broken his mom's favorite vase running around playing cowboy with his best friend Jimmy. He hadn't meant to do it. Honest. It had just happened. Jimmy was going to shoot him, and he had to save himself by ducking behind the end table. Unfortunately, he also had accidentally crashed into it and sent the vase crashing to the ground, where it had smashed into shards.
His mom had come running in at that. Her face, frozen with fear, her eyes darting to the glinting,shiny shards strewn across the floor, as she asked, "Are you guys okay?" Is anyone hurt?"
They had both shaken their heads slowly in response. "No."
And then, before he knew what he was doing, the words came out of his mouth. "It wasn't my fault. Jimmy did it."
"DID NOT! You crashed into it!" Jimmy had shot back instantly.
"But I wouldn't have if you hadn't tried to shoot me so it is your fault!" At his words, his mother had just simply looked at him, her blue eyes looking into his. And his eyes had darted away, unwilling to look at her. He had felt the warmth creeping up his cheeks.
And then, Jimmy's mom was taking Jimmy home, and his own mom was sweeping up the broken pieces of her vase.
"I'm sorry, Mom." Silence. "I'm really sorry about breaking it."
"Honey, I'm not mad about the vase. It was an accident." She stopped sweeping and knelt down to her son's height. "I'm sad that you lied to me about Jimmy doing it. Does a good, nice boy lie?"
"No, mom."
"And does a good boy try to get his best friend in trouble for something he didn't do?"
"No," his lip had trembled a little.
"And good boys grow up to be good men. What kind of man do you want to be? A hero or the bad guy?"
"The hero," he had mumbled. And then he had promptly burst into tears. "I'm sorry. I'm rea—really sor—rry. I'll b—be a good boy from now on, I pp—promise!"
And he had tried his best to honor his promise. He had tried to make it up to Jimmy, but Jimmy had moved away soon after.
He had even become a policeman for that reason. Who was more of a hero than a cop? The ultimate good guy.
He hadn't anticipated this. He hadn't prepared to be a good guy in a world where the dead walked, a world full of bad guys. At first, he had tried so hard to be a good guy by the standards of the old world.
But as more time passed, he could begin to see that in this world, good or bad really meant survive or die. When Shane had told him that he was incapable of protecting his family, he had bristled. Wasn't teaching his son to be the good guy the most important thing? What if his son grew up to be an evil heartless monster who wouldn't blink an eye at murdering? And a traitorous voice in his head asked what if Carl doesn't get to grow up at all?
And then, Lori told him that Shane was dangerous, that he had to be dealt with. And he had been horrified in his mind. This was Shane, best friend and former partner. How could he just deal with Shane? He was supposed to be the hero. And then he remembered that a hero is supposed to keep the other good guys safe. Was Shane a good guy?
But then, Shane crossed the line. Rick had stared at Shane's gun pointing at him, as the sweat ran down his body, as his heart pounded faster than it ever had before. This wasn't...this couldn't be happening. He felt like he was watching some terrible scene from a movie. But in the movie, the good guy always won. In a movie, he wouldn't die. He couldn't die and let Shane go back to his family. Shane was beyond redemption; he had fallen securely into the bad guy category a long time ago. He wondered how one of the good guys could just turn bad like Shane did. Shane used to be such a good man, a good friend, a good partner, and now...Was it that easy to become bad?
Rick knew what he had to do. The good guy always triumphed over the bad guy, and the only way to triumph over Shane was to kill him. He had pretended to be the old hero, the good guy Shane knew he used to be. He had pretended to give Shane another chance, and Shane had believed him, trusted him. After all, everyone trusted the good guy.
And then he had stabbed Shane for it, for everything, for trying to kill him, for trusting him, for turning bad. You did the right thing. The thought plays over and over again like it is caught on repeat. He had made it safer for the group, for his family. He had simply defeated one of the bad guys. Everyone else would understand. He was still the good guy. A hero. So why was everyone staring at him like he was the bad guy?
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