WARNING: This fic was written for the firewhiskeyfic challenge on LJ round 9. This entire fic including the author's notes (besides this one) were written when I was rather sloshed. However, unlike my last drunk!fic The Irish Do it Better, I've actually fixed ONLY the spelling in this fic. It was a little difficult to follow in places with the all the typos before, but if you want the full amusement of reading the real drunk!fic, go straight to chapter 2 where I have posted the UNEDITED version of this fic. Also, be sure to read the author's note.

Title: Draco Malfoy, Penguin Whisperer

Author: icicle33

I am of legal drinking age in my region: in my region: yes!

Pairing(s)/Characters: draco/harry

Challenge: April Showers (but no watersports)

Summary: Draco gets fired from his job and become s a penguin trainer extraordinaire. Harry isn't happy with Draco's new job. Crack!fic

Rating/Warnings: pg-13 (yeah no porn tonight...sorry)

Word count: a lot

Author's Notes: I figured that i wasn't drunk enough for the firewhiskey fic last time, so this time I decided to step it up a notch. or SEVEN for this fic. No penguins were harmed in the writing of this fic.

This fic was supposed to have been written as a sequel to Draco and the Manly Stuffed!. It isn't necessary to read that short fic, but if you are interested, check it out on my story page. All you need to know about that fic is that Draco sleeps with an adorable stuffed penguin and Harry is his boyfriend but travels a lot with his Auror job. Last thing, any sentences in [ ] are supposed to be notes.

Enjoy.

Draco Malfoy: Penguin Whisperer

(EDITED VERSION)

oOoOoOo

Draco had been moping around the flat for days. Recently, he had been fired from his job and had been really upset ever since. Harry had been working later and later hours and had been travelling a lot too. It was making Draco miserable, especially because all he wanted to do was fuck his boyfriend and maybe dance in the rain. [Why did he want to dance in the rain? I'm not sure, but why not? Wouldn't you want to dance in the rain if your boyfriend was Harry Potter and sexy? I know I would. Okay, back to Draco's story].

So Draco was depressed because he didn't have a job and felt worthless and stupid. The only company he had was his stuffed penguin, Edgar, who he had forever, but lately even his penguin wasn't enough to make him happy. When Harry had to stay working late again, for the fourth time that week, Draco decided that enough was enough and he needed more and better company. Therefore, he decided that what he needed was a friend. A friend that couldn't talk to him that is. And that would listen.

He took his stuffed penguin and hugged him. After all, he had been his friend since childhood, and promised that he would take care of him. Then he took out his wand and said, "penguino revealo!" and then Tada...his stuffed penguin become real! Seriously. A real life penguin...waddling and squawking and all.

Draco was so happy with his new friend, who he named Charles, that he hugged him and played with him and even fed him fish. He had found out that penguins eat fish and krill from that box that harry and Hermione liked to watch, the Muggle one, that had that awesome animal channel where they talked about emperor penguins and ruling the arctic! Draco still wasn't overly fond of Muggles, but he decided that some where okay, especially the kind that liked penguins! He found out that penguins were really smart and that they could be trained, so of course, Draco decided that since he didn't have a job he would become a penguin trainer! Why hadn't he thought of that before? Harry would be sooooooo excited. Yay!

oOoOoOo

When Harry came home the next day, he was really shocked to see Draco sitting on the couch with Charles sitting at his feet.

"Draco? Why is there a penguin in our flat?" Harry said, as he frowned and stared at Draco.

"Because he's mine, Potter. Gotta problem with that?"

"Erm...not really. Just curious as to why you have a live bird in our flat? I thought you would tell me these things seeing as I own this flat too."

"You own half the flat, Potter," Draco said, scowling at Harry and scratching Charles' head, who looked really unhappy since he thought that Harry didn't like him. Because obviously penguins have feelings too. [Jeez, Harry what are you thinking?] The penguin whinged since Harry hurt his feelings and then Draco became even more upset. Harry felt bad and then bent down to scratch Charles, but Charles was still mad so he squawked at Harry and peed on his shoes. [*I don't think that penguins actually pee but let's just pretend that they do, ok? Good. It's a magic penguin so it pees. Yeah.]

"Christ, Draco. That thing is a menace. Only you would buy a rabid penguin." Harry shook his head and got rid of the penguin pee.

"Shut up, Potter, I didn't buy him. I MADE him. And you're supposed to love me. All of me. Some boyfriend you are."

"What are you even talking about, Draco?"

"Charles! How dare you treat Charles that way? It's a poor reflection on you. What if we have children one day? Are you going to treat them like that too?

"Draco have you gone mental? It's a penguin...not a child."

Draco bent over and covered Charles' ears (or at least where he thought Charles' ears would be). "La La La. La la la. We can't hear you, Potter. Go cry somewhere else."

"Fine, Malfoy! I'll leave you alone, but you've really gone bonkers...I hope you know that. And keep your penguin off my half of the flat."

"Don't worry, Potter," Draco sneered. "I'll do that. You don't have to worry about it. Come on, Charles, let's go to our half of the bedroom," Draco said, still glaring at Harry.

oOoOoOo

The next day Harry went on another trip and Draco didn't even say goodbye to him. Although he regretted it after. A lot. He tried to ring his boyfriend on that Muggle device that Harry had given him, but it was much too complicated for Draco and then it started talking to him about what it could do to help and called him sexy...but the lady in the Muggle device wouldn't help him get Harry. How very rude. That Muggle lady was nothing like the brilliant penguin training Muggles that Draco had seen on the telly. If Muggles could do it, then he would do it too. The only problem was the he thought he needed more than one penguin in order to have a school of penguins and train them better! So in order to be a real life awesome penguin trainer, Draco needed more penguins.

He went around the house gathering some of his throw pillows, particularly the ugly ones that Harry had bought, and then lined them all up in a row and said, "Penguino revealo! Penguino revealo! Penguino revealo! Penguino revealo!" And then Ta da...there were FOUR more penguins! They were squawking and waddling and being oh-so adorable as only penguins could and Draco was really happy with his new friends.

"Hello, new friends," he said with a smile. "I'm Draco Malfoy, your new king and creator. After you all bow to me loyal subjects...I will name you and then give you fish. That's right, fish."

The penguins looked at each other and if they could frown, they would. Squawk. Squawk. Waddle. Waddle. They lined up in front of Draco and then he named them. The first one he named Bartholomew, the second penguin was named Elizabeth, the third penguin was named Sherlock because it looked smarter than the other penguins and waddled better, and then the last penguin was kind of hanging out by itself and not in line with the others. That one looked grumpy and mean, so Draco named it Harold. He figured that would piss Harry off, which is exactly what he wanted since Harry didn't seem to like his penguins.

Well, Harry didn't like his one penguin, so Draco assumed that Harry wouldn't like 5 penguins either. Oh, well. But who wouldn't want to have five penguins? Draco would make them a penguin atrium and then they would all live there together and happily with lots of fish, toys, and mini fashionable penguin jumpers. Harry would understand once Draco trained them and showed everyone just how amazing him and his penguins could be. They could put on an act. Draco Malfoy and his Magnificent Penguins! But first, he had to train them.

oOoOoOo

Draco clapped his hands and then smirked at his penguins. "Listen up, penguins," he said. "I'm only going to say this once, so everyone listen. You will all follow my rules because I'm in charge."

The penguins squabbled and Draco held a hand up in the air to shush them. [Hmm there's less red in my fic now, so I think I'm feeling more sober. Bad. Right penguins. Sorry.]

Draco shushed the penguins and then said, "I understand that you all are Emperor Penguins and might not be happy with me being your leader and owner. Therefore, I have appointed Charles to be your Penguin Representative. Any complaints, concerns, urges, you might have...please direct them to Charles, okay? I'm a busy man, you know? Penguin training is a full time and exhausting career. Does everyone understand?" Draco scowled and pointed at each of the penguins and each one squeaked and waddled in agreement. Or at least Draco assumed it was agreement because really how could he tell if they were squeaking no? He didn't speak penguin. Well, not yet...anyway.

"Alright, my little penguin army the first thing we need is...ew...who just peed?" Draco scrunched his nose distastefully and glowered at all the penguins. They all hung their heads and beaks and looked at the floor.

"Who was it?" Draco accused, "which one of you just peed? That's not cool. These are expensive hard woods floor. If you want to pee, there's a loo down the hall or we can go outside. Understand? Now who was it?"

The penguins didn't respond and Draco got even more annoyed. "I bet it was you, Harold, wasn't it?" Draco asked penguin number five, who he thought was probably the most handsome penguin, but also the most annoying. Harold squabbled in Draco's face and Draco got even more angry. "How rude," he huffed. "Never mind, my little penguin minions. Let's just all go outside and get some fresh air. Alright. Follow me!"

He spelled open the door since penguins can't open doors and motioned for the penguins to follow him. And they did. In a straight, well, not completely straight queue since Harold was in the back, but slowly, the penguins followed Draco outside.

oOoOoOo

When they reached the outside of his and Harry's flat, Draco was relieved. Penguins took a long time to waddle down the stairs. No one had mentioned that in the Muggle telly programmes. But that was probably because they were Muggles, and already on his first day, Draco had surpassed them in terms of being an awesome penguin trainer. Yes, he was the best penguin trainer. Ever.

"Alright, penguin minions," Draco instructed, "everyone pee and whatever else you need to do because I don't want any more April showers on my hard wood floors. Understand?"

The penguins didn't respond and Draco took their silence as agreement. The penguins seemed to be enjoying their little outing since they were waddling and exploring around Draco and Harry's garden, but then it started to rain. A lot.

"Oh, no," Draco cried. "I knew I shouldn't have mentioned April showers!" Draco was really upset that it was raining because now his hair was going to get messed up, and since he wanted to be the best penguin trainer possible...then obviously he couldn't have frizzy, rain drenched hair. The horror!

"Come on, penguins!" Draco shouted. "Outing is over ...everyone inside now." The penguins ignored him though as they were just prancing around in the rain and splashing in the puddles. Some of them were even trying to toboggan in the puddles, which was really a terrible idea because penguins shouldn't toboggan on grass or pavement. They needed snow for that.

"No penguins! Please stop!" Draco pleaded with his new friends. "I'm glad you're having fun, but we can have fun inside. Don't jump in the puddles and get muddy. You'll bring mud in the flat and then Harry will kill me like last time. Please!"

The penguins didn't seem to care that Harry was going to kill Draco, but that was probably because they didn't know Harry yet. I mean Harry killed Voldemort, so obviously he wouldn't be afraid of a couple of mad penguins. However, Draco was smart and cunning since he was a Slytherin and all, so if he couldn't plead with the penguins, he decided to bribe them.

He offered them all the fish and krill they could eat as well as a chance to use his lavender scented bath salts if they would come inside. And of course they did.

oOoOoOo

Once everyone was inside, warm, clean, and fed, Draco decided to teach his penguins their first ever penguin dance routine. Clearly, if they were going to be a professional, worldwide famous act then they needed to start practising asap.

He demonstrated a short and simple, in his opinion, dance routine that included a couple of turns, leaps, and pirouettes. Once he finished the pirouettes, he realised that it was probably going to be difficult for penguins to do that since they don't have knees and bendable legs, so he scrapped that part of the routine and change it for a couple of waddle belly flop combinations instead.

They practised the combinations for several hours with lots of bribes, fish, and hexes on Draco's part, and they were finally getting better. The only problem was that something was off, uneven, about their little routine. Finally, Draco realised that it was probably because they were on odd number. Well, and also because Harold, penguin number 5, always seemed to be 2 beats behind the other penguins, but that couldn't be helped. He seemed rather clumsy and uncoordinated. It wasn't his fault. Draco patted Harold on the head and then looked for something else to transfigure into another penguin. He couldn't find anything good and then he had a brilliant idea!

Once Harry met the penguins, he would love them so much that he wouldn't ever want to get rid of them. Therefore, Draco needed to make the penguins from something that he wanted to get rid of. He looked in Harry's wardrobe for his oldest and ugliest piece of clothing. Really, they were all awful, except the ones that Draco had bought for Harry, but eventually he settled on a really hideous bright orange Weasley jumper.

He attempted to transfigure the jumper just as he had for all the other penguins and said "revealio penguino!" Unfortunately, this time there was a little problem. Instead of transfiguring a normal penguin, this penguin was ORANGE! At first Draco rubbed his eyes, thinking that he was seeing things, but once he realised that he had created an orange penguin, he just shrugged. Oh well, 5 black penguins and 1 orange penguin was better than 5 penguins regardless of colour. Perhaps the orange one would distract everyone else from seeing Harold's offbeat dance moves. "Alright, Snitch," he said, which is what he named the orange penguin. "You better be a fast learner as you've missed a lot."

"Take it from the top everyone!"

oOoOoOo

The next day Harry came home early from his Auror assignment. He wasn't meant to come home for another couple of days, but he had felt so bad about fighting with Draco and Draco not saying goodbye to him that he had decided he needed to come home and make up with his barmy boyfriend.

"Draco," Harry called as he entered their flat, carrying a bouquet of roses. "I'm really sorry that—" But before Harry could finish his sentence, his mouth dropped as well as the roses. He couldn't believe that in the middle of his living room, or technically his and Draco's living room, were 6 dancing penguins with Draco standing on top of the coffee table leading them as if he were some type of conductor.

"Draco? What the—"

"Harry!" Draco yelled as he jumped off the coffee table and ran over to Harry and threw his arms around his neck. "I missed you so much," Draco squealed, and then he gave Harry a big, warm kiss in greeting. Harry was relieved that his boyfriend was no longer angry, but all of this didn't make sense. As he leant into Draco's kiss, he realised that he not only tasted but also reeked of whiskey. So he was pissed...that kind of explained some of the situation but not entirely.

"Draco?" Harry asked, screwing his face in confusion. "Erm...why are there 6 penguins in our living room?"

Draco rested his head on Harry's shoulder, or more like plopped his head on Draco's shoulder since he was obviously intoxicated, and then said, "They're my friends, Harry. Our friends. Let me introduce you. This is Elizabeth, Bartholomew, Charles, whom you already know, Snitch, Sherlock, and this..." he paused for a second and ran over to pick up the smallest but cutest penguin, "is Harold. He offered Harold to Harry and Harry took the penguin reluctantly. "Erm? Hi, I'm Harry," he said in an uneasy voice. "I speak Parseltongue, which is really cool snake language. Is that similar to Penguin?" he asked.

Harold squawked loudly and then peed all over Harry's shoes.

"Ugh!" Harry shrieked, dropping the penguin on the floor, who seemed very annoyed since he pecked at Harry and then went back to his penguin friends, who all huddled in front of him protectively.

"Draco...what the hell?"

Draco chuckled. "Sorry, Harry. I think that means no." Draco continued laughing and it only managed to anger Harry more, especially once Draco collapsed on the couch and all the penguins fell on top of him. Harry felt really left out and kind of like he was in some weird television show.

"Right, listen, Draco. I'm going to go for a walk. A long one and maybe down to the pub."

He looked over at Draco, who was still sprawled out on the couch with his penguins and didn't seem to be paying attention. "When I get back," Harry added, "I want all of this," he motioned at all the penguins and the disaster that used to be their flat to be back to normal. And penguin free. Do you understand?"

"Uh huh. Whatever you, Potter. Whatever you say."

Shaking his head, Harry left and pretended that the whole thing had been a dream. What he didn't know was that Draco didn't listen to a word he had said. Or at least ignored it.

oOoOoOo

"Come on my lovely penguin minions!" Draco cried. "Everyone UP! UP! UP! We have at least a couple of hours before Harry gets back and we have to wow him when he does. Got it?"

The penguins all rolled off the couch and struggled to get back on their feet.

"Ready everyone? " Once Draco was met with 6 squawks, he jumped up on top of the coffee table again and started counting off.

"From the top everyone...five...six...seven...eight!" he said. "Remember...we need to wow, Harry! Watch your form."

The End. Maybe.

A/N: Thanks for reading. I know that story was RIDICULOUS and I have no idea what I was thinking when I wrote it, nor do I actually have any memory of writing it. That's how gone I was. If you have read Draco and the Manly Stuffed! before, you are probably wondering why Draco renamed Edgar as Charles? Well, I don't have a good answer for you. Honestly, I think I was just too drunk and couldn't remember Edgar's name. However, Draco's answer is going to be that now that Edgar was a real penguin, he deserved a new real penguin name, hence the name change to Charles. I hope that everyone enjoyed this fic. Just remember if you haven't read any of my other fics, my writing style is much better than this since all my other fics were written while I was sober (for the most part). Enough rambling by me.

Comments are Love and greatly appreciated!

~Icicle