Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men Evolution, Marvel and Kid's WB do. Nor do I own the song The Kill, that belongs to 30 Seconds from Mars.
Warnings: This story contains lyrics to a 30 Seconds to Mars song (don't like, don't read). This chapter also contains bad language, drug references, sexual references, dark themes, and use of tobacco.
Summary: He did everything to her, would do anything for her, and this is how he repaid him. This was his pain to bear.
The Kill
"This is the real you isn't it? You're nothing but hood!"
"That's right, and I'll never be good enough for you."
It wasn't him that night, he had convinced himself that much. The person who was alongside Duncan Matthews wasn't him. How did he get there in the first place? What possessed him to go against the woman that he loved? He was an idiot, a fool; a jackass like Pietro had always called him before he betrayed them and left them for Magneto. He got the easy way out; he didn't have to deal with the abuse. He never had to see anyone's face ever again.
But Kitty wasn't supposed to get caught in his crossfire; it was supposed to be Scott. It was supposed to be Scott, wasn't it? Duncan never said that the others wouldn't get involved and Lance didn't mention a word about Kitty. But why did he go through with it?
He was sitting on the couch. It was all he had been able to do since it happened. Todd and Fred had been merciful coming in to make sure that he didn't have any suicidal urges. They knew he was upset on the ride home as Lance started crying, but he wanted to be alone through this.
Wanda came down once to pat him on the back before she went out again looking for traces of her father. He liked the attention but he couldn't help but he knew the truth, he wasn't going to be alright.
"Lance?" Todd stated as he walked into the room. "Are you alright?"
Lance looked out the window. "I'm fine."
"I'm just making sure you're alright after… you know…" Todd noticed the look in Lance's eyes.
The older boy sighed. "I'm going to my room…"
He walked up the stairs which was the only movement that he had been able to do without feeling like he was going to sob with pain. He could hardly look out the window without the whole house shaking.
"You're going to be okay, right?" Todd asked as he watched his leader go up the stairs.
"I'll be fine," Lance answered as he moved fully up the stairs turning to get into his room. What did he have left of her? Pictures? He had plenty of photographs to remember her by. But what was going to make the pain that she left when she told him that wanted nothing to do with him?
"Kitty," he whispered as he looked at the picture of her in the frame next to his bed.
"What if I wanted to break, laugh it all off in your face? What would you do?"
He opened his drawer and pulled out a pack of cigarettes alone with a pile of photographs that he had left over from their escapades together. He took out a single cigarette and lit it, resting it gently in between his lips. Usually he'd do something stronger while he was alone, like smoke marijuana. But he couldn't, not with Todd and Fred making sure he wasn't going to jump out the window.
He took a drag and then removed the cigarette. "What did she want from me?"
He looked at the top photograph where he almost lost hold of the white cylinder. It was the one with the pink lingerie that she had bought the day before. He remembered her sitting on this bed as he took a picture of her. Then he pulled her into a kiss, the best kiss of their relationship.
I was out of line that day; he thought as he remembered how thick the air got as they had sex. He felt like he robbed her of her virginity as the room filled with moans and panting, sweat staining his sheets.
He remembered her lying next to him in bed teasing him about how he never had pictures of himself.
Damn her! He thought as he ran a hand through his hair. It was bad enough that he lost his best friend to a psychopath, but now he had lost the last thing that he needed to be completely happy.
If he could ever see her again, if he could repeat that moment, as she said those words he wouldn't have taken it, he would have just laughed at her as he walked away. That way would he still have a chance?
"What if I fell to the floor, couldn't take this anymore? What would you do?"
The cigarette had burned out, and before he went to grab another one he looked at the picture. It was the last one that he had taken before she lost her virginity, the last of the Purity Photos. He was a hood, and nothing more. He was nothing to her.
"And I'll never be good enough for you!"
A tear fell from his eye as he looked down at the picture frame. This couldn't be it, they couldn't give up. He had tried so hard to get to her, tried so hard to be good enough, but it just was never up to her standards. Did she hear all of the taunts that Pietro had told him? Did she hear all of the times that his colleagues would tease him for caring about her? He put up with so much of their bullshit and still she left him.
I don't know how much more I can take; this life is getting to heavy for me, Kitty. I need you more than ever…
He looked out the window, everything was gone, and just like Pietro she would never come back. There were times where the whole team wished he would walk through the door with a smile on his face telling everyone that he was here to stay. And despite how much they would hate him, if the kid played his cards right he could get the respect he used to have.
Kitty wasn't like that, she would never come back. She would move on, she had been close to that boy… that Kurt. And he would love her, treat her right, make everything feel so different than it was with Lance.
I never deserved you…
"Come break me down! Bury me, bury me! I am finished with you!"
He looked out the window and saw everything that he loved so dear soar out before his eyes. Just the night before Pietro exposed them with his father he was in here talking with him telling him that things were going to get better. But the whole time he had that smile. If only Kitty had a malicious grin that he could detect, she only had the fire in her eyes.
Never did he think he was going to compare his best friend to his girlfriend, but they both ditched him without a doubt in their mind. Neither of them apologized for their actions, they just kept walking away without extending a hand to him. They just looked back on last time and left with the person that they had the most respect for: Magneto and Summers. But why? Why them?
They never liked me, Lance thought as he looked down at the stack of photos remembering the last words he heard both of them say.
"This is the real you, aren't you, you're nothing but a hood!"
"You have no idea…"
Why? Why now? Pietro told him that it was going to happen and was almost in tears when he went to his room that night. He was showing some doubt about it. Kitty walked up and told him like it was. She looked like it hurt her, how could she feel pain for something that she did? That bitch!
What did I have to do to be better? Did you want me to bleed?
"What if I wanted to fight, beg for the rest of my life? What would you do?"
She expected him to take it, expected him to just fall over and let her win. What made her think that was the way out? He was never the one to go over to her and take her shit. He had done it too much and she wasn't worth it. She wanted him to do that again, she wanted him to come and beg.
Would that get her back? Better question: would he do that for her? She would gladly take him back, but he would feel so degraded, so wrong doing that. It would be too easy, not enough to prove that the belonged together.
Did you think that you could just walk all over me? Did you honestly think it would be that easy?
He thought about doing that, going to her making it all seem like it was a misunderstanding, not her being ashamed of his character. He tried; it was just never good enough. He got all of the abuse and it was never good enough! He had moments where he was close to tears and still he wasn't good enough. He quit smoking for her even if Pietro called him whipped. He still he was never going to be right for her.
"And I'll never be good enough for you!"
"You say you wanted more, what are you waiting for? I'm not running from you."
She always wanted him to be someone he wasn't, told her that it was the only way that they could be together. He laughed at her and she shoved him and gave the "I'm serious, Lance," face. He couldn't believe it, how was she going to do that? Change him? There was no possible way that it was going to be like this. He couldn't take it anymore. He took a picture that he had a duplicate of just to rid his rage and walked out of the room to the damaged bathroom. Pietro said he was going to fix it since Boom Boom was his problem, they did have a lot of chemistry between them and it was obvious that they had been in cahoots as the shenanigans never got around to him.
His team had the highest morale when she was there; it made them feel more like a family and less like a team of killing machines. But after she left and Mystique came back, they broke again. Todd was shy, Fred was quiet, and Pietro was reclusive.
Kitty was all he had, all he needed. He thought of that as he filled looked in the broken mirror, the cracks outlining the reflection of his face perfectly. He felt broken, dead, tattered. He pulled out his lighter and set the corner of the picture on fire watching it burn dropping it into the sink. A tear falling down his face and landing in the fire, but to no avail ,the flames continued to spread. His body shook as he could see her body start to shrivel with the burn.
I have to forget you!
"Come break me down! Bury me, bury me! I am finished with you!"
He started to bite his lips so hard that skin broke as he looked at her face start to burn into embers. It broke his heart to see what he had done not only to his work, but to her. He was killing her and he didn't know it. He was erasing her from his mind. But the face was gone leaving only the top corner as more tears escaped his eyes. He hadn't cried in years, never had a reason to. His life was shitty but it couldn't get much worse, until now. Now it was all falling apart.
Todd and Fred kept their distance when he was close to tears not wanting to be in the crossfire of him bringing down the house, and smelling the aroma of burning paper wasn't going to help their fear. Lance looked out the door to see if anyone had cared enough to come up and stop him before he hurt himself.
No one cares…
Lance looked at the scorch marks in the sink with a look of hope, she was gone… he had done it at last! He had gotten rid of her from his mind for the moment. He had killed her.
He had killed her… oh God what was he doing? What was he thinking?!
"Look in my eyes; you're killing me, killing me! All I wanted was you!"
As he was frantically sobbing he looked up in the mirror. What had happened to Avalanche? This wasn't him; this was Lance, the one who had come out that night in the parking lot. The tears streaming from his eyes were all for her. Everything he did these days were for her; he barely left the house because of her.
"You're killing me," he breathed as he went closer to the mirror. "Why Kitty?"
"You're nothing but a hood!"
"No," he murmured, still hearing those words in his head.
"A hood!"
"Stop it, Kitty," he moaned as he curled up in a ball in the corner of the room. He could shake them, couldn't get them out of his head as he looked at himself. He couldn't look in the mirror; he couldn't see what he had made himself. A hood…
"And I'll never be good enough for you," he whispered.
He hugged his knees tighter as he took out another cigarette and lit it, inhaling vigorously. Nicotine was all he had now, the only substance that could calm him down. It was something she hated, his payback, his escape, his release. He was sticking it to her as he smoked but he still couldn't stop thinking. Would he ever be normal again?
Why did I have to spray paint those lockers? Why did I have to keep coming back for her that whole day?
He took a breath. Because you love her…
"I tried to be someone else but nothing seemed to change,"
He looked at all of the times they've been together; even the numerous times they had sex. It was all the same, she wanted him to be different from who he was. She wished he didn't live in the Brotherhood house, didn't want him to hang around his friends. She said that they were destroying what he was. But she left him emotionless which she also complained about that asking why he couldn't show how he felt?
Because then you'd treat me like Kurt, he thought as he looked into the doorway. He was mustering enough confidence to go out there and be Lance again. He wasn't enjoying what he had become. He wasn't the type who could cry after someone left. But he was going out of his mind with this. With Pietro there wasn't one single tear. There was no reason to cry, it was all going alright. But then again he wasn't in love with Pietro, and like it would matter now.
Everything was the same no matter how he thought about it. There was no way he could fight now. So he decided to stop, go with it. If Kitty asked him to accept her apology he would have to think about it and he wouldn't accept Pietro as well as he should. Nothing will change.
I will not bend for you!
"I know now, this is who I really am inside."
He stood up and looked at the mirror again, then at the embers, he threw his cigarette in the sink with her remains with a smile on his face. This was the start of a new him, a better him, a person who would never let Kitty walk all over him again. He was sick of being used, sick of having people thinking that they can gain his trust only so they can break it. He was done with them!
"I'm going to let you two go," he answered. "When you both go back, I hope you get together, you deserve each other you bastards!"
He walked out of the bathroom and walked toward his room, Todd and Fred were nowhere in sight. Alone time.
He sat on his bed and looked at the pile of pictures; the ones at the end were all taken by her, of him. He told her he hated pictures of himself now cursing the newspapers that had gotten photographs of him. But he let do it anyway, he taught her how to take a picture and she learned well. The pictures were almost as good as his own. Key word: almost.
This was making it all start to get better, making the pain not so bad, he could last a little longer if he was given the chance. But he couldn't stop his pain now; he needed more time to ease the pain.
"Finally found myself, fighting for a chance,"
He was going to go through life with his camera, hopefully finding another muse. It couldn't be that hard, he could always go find Tabitha and tell her that she could come back. And his life with her would be Pietro free.
But Kitty would always be the one he went on for, but he would not give in, she would have to work for his love. There was no way that he could beg anymore, he wasn't going to let himself get to sink that low, not again, not now. He was trying to make who he was the reason that she loved him. He wasn't going to give up, not yet, not that easily.
He was going to try until he died if he could do this; if he could get everything to get back to the way it was, the way that he had dreamed it. There was nothing left now, nothing but guilt and memories. He was going to be the one who closed his heart, turning into an ice cold threshold of blameless hatred. He would be this way until he got her back.
I can't live without you…
"I know now, this is who I really am!"
I'm not going to change more for you, love is not worth it. Besides how can you love someone that you could let go so easily? I know that in my heart I hate you and I'm finished with everything, but my soul says that I can't stop it… I can't stop loving you…
He put the photographs away in the drawer with his eyes closed tightly. "I'm a hood, Kitty, and I'll never be good enough for you."
He stood up and walked down the stairs the laughter, the smiles, it was all going through his head. He walked down the hall remembering all of the times Pietro had scoffed and went back into his room with a sad look on his face. He was jealous, and Lance knew he might have had a small sexual attraction for Kitty as she sat in Lance's room half naked. He knew that's what drove the young boy into madness.
The door was right in front of him as he took one last look upstairs imagining their faces. He remembered the times of their secrecy, the times where no one knew about them, the days when Tabitha was still here to keep Pietro in line and out of Kitty's hair, the good old days when they were all still happy. He missed every single one of them. It was down to Todd, Fred, and him, sometimes Wanda on a good day.
I've got to get out of the past!
"Come break me down! Bury me, bury me! I am finished with you, you, you!"
He opened the door slowly, the fresh air hitting his skin, the sun blinding him. Sorrow lifted somewhat from the darkness leaving only the light. Rebirth in a small form, regeneration, the resurrection from the kill, it was all so clear now. It was all obvious; it was the heat of the moment, Summers right by her side along with all of the other X-Geeks. The memories of the betrayal that Pietro had caused everyone were still fresh in her head and all she could see was him on top of that building while the sentinel chased them. Lance was automatically linked to what was going on with the trauma, with the chaos.
Stepping out of the house he looked off into the distance and the never ending road that lead to her house that he had driven past with her kissing her lightly on the lips before allowing her to return to that hell that she called life. The life that she had become so obsessed with was now the reason that they could not be. It was the reason that everything was horrible mess.
I will never get out of this Hell…
"Look in my eyes; you're killing me, killing me! All I wanted was you!"
He saw off in the distance, the reason that he could no longer go on, it was her staring right at him as she walked along Kurt and Rogue looking over at him nostalgically. There was nothing left to him, everything was gone, but the pain returned. She was so far away, but he could still have her. He could still run for her and apologize, but he couldn't move, he had too much pride.
The pain would never ease, it could never be the way it was supposed to be, it was always going to be like this, tow heart broken by the same night. But he couldn't be the one who crawled back, he tried that, it never worked before, it wasn't going to work now.
Kurt and Rogue were walking forward as she looked back at him with surprise in her eyes wondering why he was out of the house. Why didn't she come closer? Was it because it was too cliché or not cliché enough? There was no rain that could be cleared with a single hug, but he wanted them to have a chance, a second try at it.
You can't be serious? How can you just leave me like this? How could you kill me? He closed his eyes. Just stop! Stop! There is only so much I can take…
"Come break me down! Break me down! Break me down!"
Hurt me! Kill me! Laugh at me! Do something! Don't just leave me here! Kitty…
He tried to hide the new tears of insanity, hold back the scream of sorrow. He wouldn't be able to take much more of this. It was killing him! He felt the very pulse of his heartbeat start to slow down into almost nothing. He needed her to save him.
Kitty…
He looked away as she drew slightly closer to the house with those blue eyes, treacherous blue eyes. No pair of blue eyes could stay with him long enough, to have him feel the comfort of their presences. They were all the same, there were all backstabbers! Just like Pietro, just like Kitty, they could not be trusted; never could he trust either of them again.
Come betray me like Pietro did, you little bitch! Be just like him; leave me alone here without even showing your true colors!
He looked at her just standing there. It was punishment enough knowing that she was always going to be right there staring at what she thought was a mistake, what he thought was a miracle. He was going out of his mind with confusion as she just stayed in one place staring into the abyss.
You're a mistake, Kitty Pryde, but you were a mistake worth making…
"What if I wanted to break…?"
I'm never going to forget you; he could swear he heard her say that in a sweet lying tone, more of her bullshit!
Just stop, Kitty. I'm already dead to you! He then stood up and walked into the house looking back at the hurt look on her face, she must have still loved him. But how could she let him go if she loved him that much?
He closed the door behind him and started to feel tears again. Why was this happening to him? Why now when everything was already going so bad. He had only so much control to hold back all of the tears, now after all of these years he realized that it was all over, there was nomore resistance. He had given into what Pietro had called weakness the night he almost cried telling him that he was sorry for everything that he did. That was the night before he betrayed them.
How can I forgive him?
She on the other hand would never do that. She would never wrap her arms around him in a tight hug and sob in his chest about what was going to happen the next day. It wasn't like that with her, he didn't have the same trust as his so called best friend.
They were gone, Mystique was gone, their secret was gone and he could only hear the words. "This is the real you isn't it? You're nothing but a hood," overlapping the words. "I'm so sorry, Alvers, I'm so sorry!" He was going out of his mind as both of their voices worked together against him until all he could hear were the Pietro's whimpers fading out. I'm so sorry…
"What if I…?"
"You have no idea!"
Lance closed his eyes. Don't do this, Maximoff!
"I'm so sorry, Alvers! Forgive me!"
"No, stop it," Lance cried out. "Pietro, don't do this to me, you don't have to go with him in order to feel better about yourself…"
"Don't hate me…"
Lance closed his eyes as he remembered seeing Pietro on top of the building with that monster looking over at him like he was the new world God. But he knew that he didn't want to be up there, he wanted to be down with the rest of them facing the wrath of the sentinel first hand instead of what his blood told him to do.
"Don't hate me…"
I can't hate you…
"What if I…?"
"This is the real you isn't it? You're nothing but a hood!"
"That's right, and I'll never be good enough for you!" He looked out at the door, it was the trigger for all of the doubts, the reason that all of the Pietro memories have been brought back before his eyes. She was the reason he never cared before, he always had her to go back to after the scare.
"Don't leave me, Kitty," he breathed as he remembered all of the times in the house with the good old days before Mystique had come back. They were all gone. Everyone was gone, and they weren't coming back. He had lost everything that he had ever wanted out of this life. All of the friends were gone; she was gone, what was the point in going on without her?
"I'm never going to forget you…"
I'll never forget you either.
He looked out the window at the top of the door and sighed one last time.
Break me! Bury me! Hurt me! Shatter me! Eyes then closed as tears rolled down his cheeks. Kill me! He buried his face in his hands as he looked off into the distance of his mind trying to forget everything that was going on. Kill me!
AN: This was Lance's opinion on the break-up, the second half of my Lancitty songfics. Tell me what you think about it in your reviews. I like feedback.