SHIT FAM, I'M BACK AGAIN FOR A FEW CHAPTERS OF BADLY WRITTEN CRAP! I got bored and decided that instead of improving my previous works, I'd work on something completely irrelevant and stupid, but popped into my head, one that no one has ever thought of before.

What if Harry Potter went back in time to fix all his problems? But was a sarcastic self-aware asshole?

Yeah... The chapters leading up to Hogwarts will be written different than the rest of the story, due to it being a "Prologue" stage, where everything happens in the past... sorta. I just wanted to justify my strange childish way of writing. Oh yeah, feel free to flame the HELL out of me, as long as it provides good points and tips, just not "Dur bad"

Well having a review that is literally just "Dur bad" would be cool.

I'm rambling, someone kill me please.

I don't own these characters or anything. George R.R Martin owns them!

Or was it J.K Rowling?

... I don't know what to believe anymore...

Have you ever died before? I have. It's an unpleasant feeling, to say the least. It feels like your soul is separated from your body, which I wouldn't doubt is what actually happened. "Hold on", you're probably wondering, "How are you still here?". Well, it turns out that I really AM the chosen one. Cool, huh?

It also turns out that I wasn't supposed to die by falling down the Great Staircase in my sixth year in a panic over sleeping in too late. I doubt anyone was satisfied that the 'Chosen One' was killed by falling down 100 or so staircases! Though, I still hold the theory that the staircase was charmed. I've seen people fall over the edge before, they just float back up…

Anyways, I died. Tragic, huh? I ended up in a rather white place that looked like King's Cross. There was an ugly baby, too. It was one of my weird adventures. I talked to an old guy who said he was Merlin for a while, then he said some cheesy lines about me being the chosen one and how I need to stay determined, then he said he was sending me back to my last "save point".

I had no idea what the old coot was taking about, naturally. I asked, to humor him, when the last time I "saved" was, and if there was any other save files I could start from. Apparently, he didn't get my finely crafted joke, and said no. He claimed the save code for humans is "Make a wish, Harry", and I apparently haven't said that exact combination of words in 6 years.

I wanted to punch him, so I did. It was liberating. Just kidding, I'm too much of a wimp to punch the apparent wizard Jesus. I mean, Wizard Jesus. I've never been a religious person, but from what I heard about religion from primary school, Jesus can cheat at life. Though in my opinion it seems like Jesus was essentially just a wizard who thought he was the shit.

Back to the topic on hand, I wanted to punch Wizard Jesus, but didn't. He said I have to 'Do it right' this time, though he didn't specify on what doing it right meant, besides "don't die", which from what I've gathered, is what most people's biggest priority is. He also said that I need some help from different people this time around, instead of sticking with the same two people all the time. Ron and Hermione, my too best friends in the world, who have been on pretty much every adventure with me "won't get me where I need to go", but apparently some random Hufflepuffs, Ravenclaws and Slytherins will. Jesus gives some amazing advice sometimes! It's strange, being told who you can and can't be friends with. Though, it's no different than "We Gryffindor. They Slytherin. We no speaky!" in context, is it? After that little piece of advice, we talked for a while about stuff that I'm too lazy to mention. Eventually he wished me luck and pushed me into the void.

I was at that one cottage on a rock in the middle of nowhere before I would even comprehend what was happening. It felt strange to be back, being honest. I noticed the banging near instantly, though with me being in my scrawny 11-year-old body, I couldn't navigate myself over to where I was last time, so I just sat down on the couch.

Hagrid knocked down the door, apologized, and put the door back where it was. He talked for a while, then mentioned Hogwarts, and this is where everything split from the first time. I accidentally said "I do" to Hagrid saying that I knew all about Hogwarts, and he seemed pleased about it. My dear Uncle asked how I knew. I panicked and said "Uh, the internet, Uncle Vernon." After an awkward silence, I asked Hagrid if we should just go. He agreed, and then we were off. Hagrid decided to fly because it was late out, and it was different.

It was 2am by the time we got to The Leaky Cauldron, and I was tired, so we got a room, and we went to bed. I stayed up all night because I wasn't tired at all, due to being just out of bed when I died. Something tells me that being a night owl isn't going to help me much once I get back to school.

While lying in bed, I got a sudden chill from out of nowhere. I felt that something very cliché was going to happen tomorrow, and I felt like people I have never met before will hate me for it, because they wanted my life to go in a certain direction that it hasn't gone before in any other timeline.

Well, I'm looking forward to facing the flames of judgement!