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South America was so noisy, though as the day drew to a close it became increasingly hushed. The noise in my head didn't quiet, though–the thoughts of thousands of people surrounded me. Their thoughts bombarded me and drew me out into the city. I couldn't seem to hold myself together in one single thought pattern as I was pulled into everything. It had been this way since I had lost Victoria's trail, and sitting in the dark I had succumbed to the mass of minds that were a part of my prison.
My mind picked up the thoughts of a little girl who had lost her doll. I was looking for the doll with her and finding myself sad that it had been lost. Where is my dolly? It was my only dolly, what will I play with now? Mama, can you help me? Please I need to find my dolly. So many loved things seemed to have been lost.
Then just as quickly, I was a man in a bar flirting with a pretty girl. Man, she's hot. I hope she likes me. I look good, I think. I think she's smiling at me. Maybe that means she likes me. Then I was floating in the thoughts of the woman he was with. Wow, he is cute. He seems so nice. All the last guys I've been with have been such jerks. Do I look ok? My hair has been such a mess today. My mind shuddered away from the couple. They might be happy together, but that was not for me.
Next I was caught up in the thoughts of a drunken man. These thoughts were indistinct, but he seemed happy. He was thinking about his wife at home with the children. He seemed to have a lot of happy memories. He was lucky to have a wife and family to be with.
The next change was an angry woman. My children are so noisy! My husband is lazy and it just encourages them! No, come here you! I will slap you so hard you'll stop!
My mind sifted through countless people's thoughts. Some happy and some sad, but none of them seemed to matter. Nothing could hold me for long. My mind was slipping in and out without a backward glance at the lives I had seen.
Endlessly I wandered through thoughts, not really seeing or listening with any attention, but unable to pull myself away enough to separate my thoughts from the mass. Thoughts of a wedding, a birthday, children crying, a woman being pushed down the stairs by her husband, people laughing… Over and over the thoughts came with no more meaning than droplets in a stream flowing by. Some part of me worried about my loss of self, but even that worry wasn't enough to hold my attention.
Suddenly, I was pulled into the thoughts of four men who were following a woman with brown hair. She was beginning to be afraid and was starting to walk faster. The men sped up to follow and intercept her. This scene was too familiar. It did not fade as I watched. I knew the woman was not Bella, but the scene in my head began to transform into my real memories. Bella being followed by men, seeing inside their heads as they followed her. The excitement they felt at the thought of what they wanted to do. The anger of those memories pulled me back to myself. How they could want to hurt someone so beautiful and precious was something I would never understand.
The anger kept rising at the thought of anyone hurting her until I realized that I had put her in greater danger than even those men. Memories of Bella's broken body after James' attack rushed through me. The pain and torture of seeing those memories began to tear at me. I wanted to lose myself, but as my thoughts went back out to the city, the old memories and new thoughts of the men following the woman seemed to merge together into something different.
The scene seemed surreal. I could see Bella in my head approaching the men. The men were smiling and still excited by the prospect of a beautiful woman approaching them. What could she be doing? She knew that these men were dangerous. Why wasn't she moving away from them like I had remembered? She was walking deliberately into danger! A woman behind Bella (Jessica?) was trying to convince her to walk away. Bella seemed to be ignoring the woman behind her and kept approaching the men. I was starting to get angry as this frightening scene kept running. Why wasn't she turning around?
Bella, stop this right now! I wanted to shout!
In my mind, all thought seemed to stop. I held my breath as the scene seemed to pause. Bella seemed halted by something, but she wasn't moving back towards Jessica and safety. She still seemed to be intent on doing something stupid.
Go back to Jessica. You promised–nothing stupid.
She still seemed to be frozen in place. She seemed puzzled. As if she could be confused about the danger of this situation! She had promised not to do anything dangerous.
Keep your promise.
My subconscious put a small smile on her face then. It seemed she was coming to her senses for a few seconds after that smile. She would be safe.
She took another step forward!
Bella, turn around.
The men across the street were becoming more excited by her apparent lack of inhibition and were encouraging her to join them. I snarled at this thought. Bella smiled and one of the men grew more confident that she was interested. Then he started to grow less confident as Bella explained that he looked familiar. Finally she seemed to come to her senses. The scene began to fade as she left with Jessica.
My mind seemed to re-stabilize somewhat after this bizarre memory. As I sat in the dark I wondered about the image. It reminded me of the dreams I'd seen in people's heads. The way the scene had merged with the images I had pulled from someone else's thoughts was so similar to the bizarre reality of human dreams. Maybe it was a dream. Even a frightening day dream of Bella seemed to be better for my subconscious than the never-ending floating, and the thought of Bella in danger had started my mind thinking about her.
All my happy memories of the night that I had rescued her from the men in Port Angeles started to flow around me after that. I could see Bella's face as we sat in the restaurant talking about what I was. She had never been afraid at all, though she should have been. For a long time, I replayed images of her: her face, her scent, her touch, days in the meadow together, her laugh, and her smile. She had been so amazing, and all along I had known that I shouldn't be interrupting her life, but I hadn't been able to stop myself. I had been so happy.
The time seemed to stretch as I sifted through these memories, but after rewatching all of our time together, I started to wonder what her life would be like now that I was no longer there. I imagined she would have gone back to her friends and spent time with them. Maybe she would have made some new friends. Maybe she had become interested in someone new. She had said that she hadn't found anyone that she'd wanted in Phoenix, but I wanted her to be happy. I convinced myself that she would find someone to be with. I imagined her with someone tall and strong, someone who could make sure that she was safe and protected. The things I imagined started to flow through my head much like the people's thoughts had flown around me when I had lost myself to the city.
I could imagine Bella being with people, hosting a party. She was a great hostess, thought she seemed self-conscious. I imagined her finishing college and starting to work at a school. She had liked English; maybe she would be an English teacher.
I imagined Bella learning how to dance. Maybe she would let Mike Newton take her to a dance. Maybe she would even enjoy dancing. I imagined her taking dance classes and being the most beautiful dancer in the class. I wanted to be there with her. She would be happy, and I wanted to share in her happiness. I wanted to see her smile and relish her laughter as she enjoyed something I had loved to do.
Then I imagined Mike breaking up with her as they went to college. She was probably never that attached to him and she wouldn't be sad about this. She'd go to college and find someone new.
Maybe she'd become a mother and have little children to take care of. Her children would be so excited to see her. She would be wonderful with children. I could see her playing with them. Everyone would smile and laugh.
Then I imagined Bella buying a motorcycle and learning to ride it. I frowned at this image as it filtered through my thoughts–that could not be a very safe thing for her to do. Motorcycles were dangerous for anybody. No, Bella wouldn't do anything like that. I knew her father had instructed her in the dangers of motorcycles, and it wasn't like Bella to be reckless. But the thought seemed stuck in my mind.
I tried to leave that image behind, so I imagined her with her friends again. I thought of her in her high school classes and learning new things. What would she major in in college? She had been good at nearly all of her subjects, though she had had more difficulty with math than the some of the others. Whatever she chose, I knew she would do well in college, and she would marry someone who loved her. She would be happy. I knew she would. She had to be.
But she was a danger magnet. I began to worry about Bella again. I knew how much trouble she could get into. I imagined her getting in a car accident and having to be taken to the hospital. I wanted so much to comfort her and let her know that she'd be ok. I imagined Charlie being there to comfort her instead of me. It made me happy to know he was there to make sure everything was all right. I could not go to her.
The next thought that bombarded me was a worry about Bella swimming at an indoor pool and her having trouble getting to the surface of the water. I imagined a lifeguard being there to rescue her and save her from the danger. I was not needed, though I wanted to be needed by her. I wanted to be the one to rescue her from everything that she would face, but I had to accept that I my help would only hurt her more in the long term. I could never remove danger from her; I only brought more with me.
So many fears passed through my mind. I knew there were innumerable ways a human could be injured. I didn't want that for Bella. I wanted her to be happy and safe for her whole life. In all my imaginings there was always someone there to make sure she was safe. There was always someone there to make her happy. Many different men populated my thoughts. They would take care of her. She would be content, and I would no longer bring danger to her.
Sometimes my worries would center on things that Bella would do of her own choosing that seemed to be dangerous. Those scenes began to push away the apathy, and the red haze of anger would rise. The thought of Bella learning to ride a motorcycle and the thought of her injuring herself frightened me immensely. Even the man with Bella in this image didn't seem to be able to dissuade her from her course of action. As this image ran through my head, I watched with horror as she injured herself. She survived the accident, though she was bleeding a lot. I became even irate wondering how she could have done such a foolish thing.
For weeks, my thoughts were all the same. I replayed memories of Bella and the memories would touch off new torments. There were so many dangers in her world, and I could do nothing for her ever again. There were worries about Bella running into more vampires in the woods. These frightened me more than even the motorcycle concerns. I knew there was no protection for a human from vampires, but I had to tell myself that Bella had promised not to go into the woods. She knew it wasn't always safe in the woods, and she had promised to be safe.
I had worries about Bella growing older and getting sick. She could get cancer or some other disease. I knew there would be nothing I could do to help her in those situations either. She would have family to be there for her. The only thing that I could do to help her would cause her to lose her soul, though the thought of Bella as a vampire was one of the most selfish thoughts I had ever had. I wanted her. I missed her so much, and that would end all our problems, but I knew it could never be.
My selfish and vain hopes started to overwhelm me then. I started imagining Bella sad as she missed me. I imagined that she wanted me to come back to her, to stay with her. All of my worries started to crash down on me as I pondered the idea that all the stupid things I had imagined her doing might have been done because she missed me. My brain wondered if she was in as bad of shape emotionally as I was.
I knew when some people became depressed, they cut themselves and bled to feel real pain instead of this nothingness and hurt that I felt. I couldn't imagine Bella doing something like this. Her difficulties with blood would make this impossible for her.
Some people also took to taking pain killers or other medication to get rid of their sorrows. Some drank themselves into unconsciousness to get rid of their emotional troubles. In some ways, I envied them that release of pain. But Bella had always been strong, and I knew she wouldn't turn to chemical relief.
I knew Bella would not kill herself. She could not. I knew she was happy! An unwelcome thought of her jumping from a tall building was easily pushed away. She would never do anything like that. And there were no tall buildings in Forks.
An image came to me of her preparing to jump from a high rock into the waves at the La Push beach. There wasn't a lifeguard here to help her if she had trouble this time. There wasn't anyone there to help her this time!
Bella.
I wanted to talk to her so badly. I wanted to stop her from doing anything that might cause her harm.
Don't do this.
"You wanted me to be human. Well watch me." She seemed to be saying.
What did this have to do with being human? Being human meant you would be safe and loved.
Please. For me.
"But you won't stay with me any other way." As my subconscious filled in this line, I knew that I was losing my will to stay away from her. I knew that if my brain could convince me that she wanted me as much as I was missing her, I wouldn't be able to keep away.
The image continued, though. It seemed terribly important that I convince her not to do this.
Please.
I begged her, but it didn't seem to change anything. She rose to the balls of her feet, and in terror, I yelled,
No, Bella!
Don't let her hurt herself because she misses me!
Then she jumped.
I couldn't tear my eyes away from her then. I fell into the water with her and watched as she struggled to rise to the surface of the water. As she swam in all directions, the water kept pulling her down. I yelled over and over that she had to keep trying, but I knew she had been under too long. I knew the situation was hopeless, but I couldn't just give up. I couldn't accept that she might die.
My thoughts began to run through more scenarios like the previous one. There were so many dangerous things she could do if she had decided not to be careful. What if I had her caused not to care about her life anymore? I could never forgive myself.
I had to abandon this line of thought; I knew that this was not good. I knew that Bella could not be safe with me in her life. This line of thought would only lead me back to her. I knew I couldn't do that. I could never go back.
I struggled to think of the thoughts of the people around me. I needed to stop focusing on Bella, or I would lose this battle. I would certainly go back to her if I couldn't find a way to distract myself. The pain that had become more focused with the image of Bella's death made focusing on other thoughts extremely difficult. Eventually I was able to see the lives of the people around me again, but it was not the same as before. I could not lose myself in their lives. Now all the thoughts reminded me of Bella. Every frightening scene made me want to protect Bella. Everyone who was happy reminded me of her smile and her laughter, her joy at living and my joy at being with her. For every person who was sad, I wondered if she missed me as much as I missed her. I wondered if she might be unhappy too. I knew I missed her more than I could bear, but I couldn't go back! I couldn't subject her to that.
For a while I let the pain drag me down. My thoughts were so buried in the pain that I could think of nothing else. Oh God, I want to go back to her! Please let me out of this hell. But there was no saving the soulless. I knew I was damned.
And then the phone started to ring.