You know I always thought I would die in some heroic or respectful way. Maybe in the place of someone I love, or a child. To serve my country or to prove a point I cared about. But here I am sitting on my bathroom floor with my left wrist cut. I wish I had some good reason for doing this, but I don't. I wish I could blame this on my father, but I have no reason to. My father wasn't a bad person, but after my mom died, he was never the same. I was 10 when it happened. It's a pretty cliché story. She had been in a car accident with a drunk driver, nothing special. I guess I'm nothing special either, unless you think of it in a bad way. I'm just a weird, slightly awkward kid that just happens to have a knack for being a ventriloquist.
"Cause you are my heaven"
I don't know why I had chosen this song to listen exactly but I had always liked it. I guess I wanted to leave this earth with one of the few things that made me happy. Music was definitely one of those things. Music was my escape, making it, listening to it, seeing it live. It's what I've lived for. It was definitely one of the things that kept me from doing this earlier. No one knows about it though. No one knows I play guitar, or that I actually have a pretty good voice. I always kept it a secret because 99% of the kids I went to school with sang. I wanted to be different and they just used that against me.
"If you don't love me pretend, a few more hours, then it's time to go."
Now I remembered why I chose that song. I chose because it reminded me of the other thing that kept me from doing this earlier.
"Jade West"
I guess like I just felt like saying her name one more time. Jade was my best friend, she had been since we were 3. Most people saw Jade as mean, vindictive, and angry. And she was but to me she was the one person I could tell anything to. That was until about 3 days ago. I told her how I felt about her, and she told me never to talk to her again. I guess in an indirect way she is part of the reason I'm sitting here now. I can't live without her in my life; she was the only person I had left. No one could blame me for loving her once you saw past the walls she built up. She was amazing. The way loses herself in a song, or doesn't care what anyone thinks. Everything about Jade West was memorizing to me.
It's only now that I realize I've been caught up in my thoughts. This is taking way longer than it should have. I picked the razor blade up to make that cuts deeper, but I've lost to much blood already.
"Robbie!"
Oh crap, that was Jade. I didn't want her to be the one to find me. Despite the tough act she put on it would kill her to see me like this.
"Robbie, are you up there?!"
Shit! I forgot to look the door.
"Robbie I'm sorry, I didn't mean what I said before."
She's walking up the stair now. I wanted to scream that it was too late. My vision is blurry, I should be gone soon. I hope she gives up and goes home.
"Robbie!"
The door opened. Jade West was the last thing I ever saw, and oddly I was okay with that.