Author's Note: song by Stabbing Westward
Save Yourself
/I know your life is empty/
/And you hate to face this world alone/
/So you're searching for an angel/
/Someone who can make you whole/
Kenshin meditated quietly on the grassy bank of the swiftly flowing river. His spirit was ill at ease, and his mind was churning like a river in a rainstorm. Two days before, he had fought at this very place, blood surging through his veins as his sword glinted in the bright afternoon sun. It had been a long time since he'd felt that familiar thrill at the base of his spine, that thrill of danger.
Not that he hadn't drawn his sword since the bakumatsu; after all, how could he forget the man who claimed to be the battousai? A joke, Gohei was nothing…less than nothing. Men like him bred like rats in Kyoto. They never posed much of a threat. But this, this was different. This had been real. His body relaxed, blade extended at waist level, his mind an unnatural calm, the threat of violence looming thickly in the air…too real. At the moment when he struck, it was as if a door had been opened in his soul. Power, Hunger, Lust…demons that had been carefully locked away for years suddenly sprang from the gaping hole in his restraint.
Always, he had kept them caged. But during the war he had learned that the heat of battle called them forth, and so was formed the battousai. But the war was over, and had been for a decade. I don't need you anymore, he told the demons. But still they roiled in his heart and mind, ceaselessly unearthing thoughts and urges that made him just as sick as excited. And through the writhing mass of emotions, was a single problem. And at the root of that problem, was a man.
Sagara Sanosuke…what do you want from me?
"Oi, Kenshin!" Sano jogged effortlessly up to his newfound friend. Putting away his thoughts like he would put away a stack of freshly folded laundry, Kenshin smiled lightly.
"Ohayo de gozaru, Sano san."
"Hey hey, call me Sano." The bandanna-ed man flashed him a hundred-watt grin and plunked himself down next to the seated samurai.
"Hai," Kenshin complied. "How are you feeling?"
"Never better! Guess I must be a fast healer, huh Kenshin?" Sano smirked. The longhaired man smiled and nodded. Sano stretched noisily and flopped onto his back, staring at the crystal sky, unblemished by a single cloud. On days like this, the heavens soared high above and straight on into infinity.
"Days like these remind me of my taichou. Whenever we had some free time, we would wander out away from the camp, and find a shady spot. We'd sit and talk, just him and me. And then, I didn't feel like just a kid, I felt like a real revolutionary. Sagara taichou would share his dreams with me, and tell me how wonderful everything was going to be. I was a part of the dream, helping to bring the new era of peace." Sano was silent for a few moments, and seemed to be contemplating the flies as they buzzed over him. Suddenly, he sat up, his lazy gaze settling on Kenshin.
"And you remind me of him too, Kenshin."
He was momentarily seized by a desire so intense it choked the air from his lungs. Gasping for breath, he brutally quashed the feelings.
"I think you give me too much credit, Sano. Your taichou sounded like a real visionary, there's no comparison." He waved his hands depreciatingly.
"I think there is." Sano pinned him with another gaze. "You talk like him, Kenshin. You made me realize what a fool I've been." Sano shook his head as if he was still amazed at the events that had transpired. "All this time I thought I was angry, but the truth is, I was lost. I lost my way, and you showed me the path."
Kenshin's face flushed hot as Sano gave him a penetrating look. He couldn't quite discern why, but it made him feel distinctly uncomfortable. Sano had leaned disturbingly close. Kenshin hadn't felt so off-balance in years, and it was nerve-wracking, to say the least.
Perhaps I'm going soft after all. Or cracking up…either way, I'm losing control.
"S-Sano, I didn't do anything that you should be thanking m-" Suddenly, Sano closed what little space was between them and claimed his lips. Kenshin nearly yelped in shock. His eyes went wide, his breathing sounded harshly in his ears. The kiss began tentatively, then deepened as a part of his resistance crumbled in the face of his alarmingly urgent need. The younger man's tongue sought entrance, and Kenshin's lips parted in submission. Sano's arm slid around his waist, and suddenly, Kenshin stiffened. He broke away, staring wildly at the man who had just tried to…to what? His face burned as his body rebelled against him with a vengeance borne of denial. Sano stared back at him, obviously trying to interpret his reaction. He got hastily to his feet to preclude any more amorous overtures.
"I should go start dinner," he managed, before dashing off to leave Sano staring after him in confused frustration.
/I know that you've been damaged/
/Your soul has suffered such abuse/
/But I am not your savior/
/I am just as fucked as you/
Kenshin ran till he reached the older side of town, where he knew no one from the dojo would stumble across him. He stopped in a small alleyway and leaned heavily against a dilapidated building. His heart pounded fiercely and painfully in his chest as his ears were filled with the rushing of blood. Breaths came out in ragged clumps as he tried to calm the fierce need searing his senses. Sinking to the ground, he slid the sakaba from his waist.
"Stupid!" he spat, his mind in turmoil.
What was I thinking?
(You weren't) a dark part of his mind replied.
How could I let this happen?
(You have needs, just like everyone else)
Why? I don't want them! I don't want to feel like this! Last time…Tomoe…
His hand clenched spasmodically around his sword as he inadvertently said her name out loud. A flood of pain so overwhelming that he physically crunched into a ball in an attempt to ward it off seized him. He shook uncontrollably.
I used her.
(You loved her)
I wanted her, that's all.
(She loved you)
She used me!
(You love her still)
There's no such thing as love!
He viciously slashed his arm with the sakaba blade. He watched with grim satisfaction as blood welled out of the cut and rolled down his arm, cooling his desire somewhat. The dark red liquid dripped onto the ground, sucked up instantly by the dusty soil. He cut again, slowly this time, drawing the fine edge ever so lightly over his arm, as the skin parted in its wake. Pain, eloquent and potent quenched the fires of lust as his blood ran down into the dark earth at his feet.
He must never know.
/I can not save you/
/I can't even save myself/
/So just save yourself/
Kenshin bustled around chopping vegetables, washing rice, and tending the fire.
"Ken-ni, Ken-ni!" Suzume and Ayame came running up to him, Gensai-sensei in tow.
"Suzume-chan, Ayame-chan, how was the store?"
"Yoshiko-san gave me a candy!" announced Suzume happily.
"Me too, me too!" Ayame included.
"She even gave me one!" Gensai-sensei laughed. Kenshin couldn't help but laugh along. "Where's Kaoru-chan and Yahiko?"
"They're practicing inside." Kenshin replied, tucking an annoying lock of hair behind his ear. Gensai-sensei nodded and wandered into the dojo.
"I wanna help!" Suzume volunteered enthusiastically.
"I wanna help, I wanna help!" Ayame echoed.
"Ok, then you can wash these vegetables." Kenshin smiled as he gave them each a carrot. They beamed at him and ran to the water pump with their vegetables. He stirred the pot absently as he added another stick to the fire. They were so sweet, so innocent. As he watched their washing degenerate into a water fight, he thought darkly, they too must never know.
Presently, the aroma of the food brought Kaoru, Yahiko, and Gensai-sensei out to the yard.
"Is it almost ready, Kenshin?" Yahiko asked, drooling like an eager puppy.
"Don't be so impatient!" Kaoru admonished.
"It smells delicious!" Gensai-sensei remarked, as he washed his hands at the water pump.
"How long more are we gonna hafta wait?" Yahiko whined.
Kenshin speared a potato and popped it into his mouth. At last, he announced that dinner was served.
Kenshin began ladling the stew into bowls as the others seated themselves in a circle. Just when he was starting to believe that Sano wouldn't show up, he heard the gate creak, and familiar footsteps approach. He hid his dismay by waving a greeting.
"Hey, you're just in time, Sano!" called Kaoru.
"Yeah, he's always late unless there's food involved," snickered Yahiko. The tall fighter gave him a good-natured punch. "I don't know what you're talking about, you're the one who eats like a pig every chance you get." Sano grinned at the boy, who glared back at him.
"What did you say, you big jerk? I'm gonna kick your ass!"
"Yahiko!" Kaoru gave him a stern look.
"What?" he shot back insolently. Sano laughed. The bickering continued till Kenshin managed to dole out all the food, whereupon silence reigned except for the occasional sounds of consumption.
Kenshin ate normally despite the fact that he hadn't much of an appetite. His mind was a muddle of disjointed thoughts, and the stress of keeping it hidden was making him nauseous. Outwardly calm, he felt like he was going to explode with anxious energy. After the initial silence, talk resumed in the vein of local gossip, and continued bickering. At the end of the meal, Kenshin gathered the dishes and utensils and headed inside to wash them. The others stayed outside to enjoy the warm summer night.
/My life has been a nightmare/
/My soul is fractured to the bone/
/So if I must be lonely/
/I think I'd rather be alone/
He scrubbed vigorously at the dirty dishes, expending some of his nervous energy. Now that he was in motion, he felt a little better, but not much. Sano was still sitting outside, no doubt waiting for a chance to come to talk to him. He bit his lip apprehensively.
Suddenly, he heard footsteps approach.
"Yo, Kenshin!" Sano's lanky frame was silhouetted in the doorway by the dying light of day. Kenshin turned to face him, gripping a plate nervously in his slender hands.
"Sano! I'm glad you could make it to dinner, I hope you enjoyed it."
"Of course," he waved his hand dismissively. "But I didn't really come for the food, this time. I was actually hoping we could talk?"
Kenshin frowned. He knew the moment would come sooner or later, but he had rather hoped later, than sooner. His pulse raced as he took in the fighter's lean body. He felt the familiar dark desire bubble heatedly to the surface of his thoughts.
"Well?" Sano asked expectantly. Kenshin belatedly realized he had been asked a question. He wanted to make an excuse to brush the younger man off, but his fevered mind couldn't come up with an excuse fast enough.
"I'll take that as a yes." Sano crossed the space between them in what seemed like one smooth motion. With one hand, he caressed the shorter man's cheek gently, forcing him to look up at him. Kenshin stared into his infinitely deep eyes, and all protests died on his lips as his wits were scattered to the four winds. He couldn't think; he couldn't even breathe. But those eyes held him, and his body cried out with pleasure at the simple human touch.
"You ran off so fast, I didn't get a chance to apologize." Sano kissed him lightly on the forehead. "I didn't mean to scare you away." Kenshin's skin burned at the contact point, his senses inflamed with carnal needs. But through the haze of passion he knew it was wrong. He would be using him, just like he used her. There's no such thing as love. Guilt pressed down on him, hemming him in from all sides, crushing him inexorably like a vice. With a cry, he stumbled backwards into the sink. A few dishes clanked to the bottom, jarred from their precarious perches by the impact.
"Don't touch me," he hissed, as Sano started forward to help him. Sano backed off, hurt and confusion plain on his honest features.
"W-what's wrong?" he stammered. "I thought…"
"You thought wrong!" Kenshin snapped, somewhat tremulously. Sano, recovered from the shock, gave him a hard look.
"You liked it, I know you did!" Those penetrating eyes caught him in their gaze like a frightened animal. Those liquid depths numbed his chattering mind, till all he could feel was his throbbing passion. His body screamed for release from the terrible, aching lack of touch. He wanted to say, touch me, caress me, hold me, love me. But he couldn't. Try as he might, he could not utter the words. His whole frame trembled with the effort, but nothing came forth. He watched in horror as Sano's face crumpled in despair.
"Well, I guess I was wrong. I'm sorry I wasted your time." He turned on his heel and fled like a wolf into the gathering dusk.
With a wail of anguish, Kenshin sank to the grubby kitchen floor. The terrifying void of loneliness closed on him, suffocating him like a thick blanket. He gasped as the emptiness gripped his soul with ice cold fingers. Suddenly, there was a tinkle as the plate in his hands shattered from the stress placed upon it. He stared numbly at the bits of porcelain, and reached down with quivering hands to retrieve a large shard. He held his breath as the sharp fragment bit into the flesh of his arm. He exhaled with a sob as the pain failed to dam the flood of guilt and loss. Again and again he tried, but still the agony did not cease. And then dread overcame him, as he realized that nothing would ever ease the pain. He was alone, forever.
/You can not save me/
/You can't even save yourself/
/I can not save you/
/I can't even save myself/
/So just save yourself/