My Best Defense

by TwistedLikeMe

I honestly didn't want it to happen. I had never thought about doing it, I truly hadn't. I had gotten so into the moment; the way I could think of a million, trillion songs to go along to it. I guess I didn't mean to do it. Or maybe I did, I don't know.

Thinking of something blue
Much like the rain that washed away my final memory of you
And we are gathered here today in celebration of impending fate
Let the jury have their way
As callused knuckles cross my face

Lets just say I didn't die from a bump on the head. Or something petty, like a suicide caused by my boyfriend breaking up with me. My life was a whole bunch of foolish decisions, wrong turns, and some oh-so-right mistakes.

No one knew what the real trouble was. Not my best friends, my brothers, my parents, my cousins (even though there were oh-so-many of them), and not even him. But I guess things happen right? That's what people tell me…Well, damn right, things happen. But its not really like they know whats happening. What really happened that night. What really happened my whole fucking life.

But how would they? It's not like anyone really, really truly, cared. After all, as long as all that bad shit wasn't in their life it doesn't matter. I thought the same thing. Up until that night, of course.

The stars are out
Scattered dimples in a cloudless sky
And I remember all the flashing lights and how they lit your lifeless eyes

I remember the way your hair flopped in front of your eyes. I remember thinking, "Oh hey, his hair has a bit of brown in it" like that really mattered. I also remember the way you looked at me. You looked at me like you loved me. But that was all a lie, a really (really really) well-planned lie. It was like a movie, our romance. No, like a play! I know its cliché, but it was almost exactly like Romeo & Juliet. Except for well…You know.

I also remember the last thing I ever said. I remember the way your arms were outstretched, as if to push someone. I remember saying, "let me make this easier for you." Or maybe I didn't say it, maybe I thought it. I don't know.

I also remember the pain. The cold. And the regret.

Now the harbors sounding out
And I am calling out but please don't push me in
But please don't push me in

People had been screaming. Or maybe it was just one person, I don't know. Honestly, I wasn't paying attention. I was, however, paying attention to the way the moon was shining really bright that night. I know its stupid, and that I probably should have been replaying my life over in my head. But I didn't. I didn't have anything to replay.

I was paying attention to the way the moon wavered in the darkness. I was paying attention to the way my hair swirled up and tendrils of it brushed against my face. I remember thinking that my hair looked blood red when in reality it was a softer, lighter shade.

See, that was my life. In my dying moments I thought about the moon and my hair. And not even once did I think about you. I remember that now.

Dear friends
I am writing this in my defense
I never meant for this to happen
Never saw the broken glass I swear
Dear friends
I am writing this in my defense
I never meant for this to happen

I honestly didn't want it to happen. I had never thought about doing it, I truly hadn't. I had gotten so into the moment; the way I could think of a million, trillion songs to go along to it. I guess I didn't mean to do it. Or maybe I did, I don't know. I can't think clearly.

The only thing I know for sure is that I'm happy. At least, I am now. I am here with all these people. All these people who know me and like me, just for being me. I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not.

But I do miss a lot of people. Even you.

Zip ties and fiber choking me
These ropes biting at my feet
Eyes wandering
And I'm wondering is this really happening to me?
Blood between my teeth
Flows from my mouth to my best jeans

Why did all this have to happen? To me, I mean. I didn't do anything wrong, except for the couple times I stole my brother's broom or pulled a couple pranks on Albus. But that doesn't mean I deserved the hell that my life was. Or that my life had to end so quickly, so suddenly, that I really had no time to think about it. I don't think I'd wish that fate on anyone, not even Victoire. And god knows I despise Victoire.

Un-free release
I'm twenty feet and sinking fast
And I won't hold my breath
Let the water fill my lungs
And I will travel to my death
Tell my brothers that I am happy
Tell my mother I won't be visiting
As I lay my head to rest
At the bottom of the sea

I remember falling. It wasn't air rushing by me though, it was water. That I remember the most clearly out of everything. It had been cold – freezing - even. I remember the way I had tried to peel my cloak, my shoes, even my shirt off so I could start to swim.

Because, I remember now. No, I hadn't meant to die. I had meant to survive.

I had wanted people to realize how much they hurt me. And what better way than to fake a suicide? But now I remember the panic. The realization that I wasn't faking anymore. It was really happening, because I hadn't planned the way to get back up. Back up to the sweet, so fucking sweet, air. And now I'm dead. You may not have pushed me, but you did something equally as worse. Or rather, you didn't. No one did.

Yes, now I remember. I remember how you, Scorpius Malfoy, killed me. Lily Luna Potter.

Dear friends
I am writing this in my defense
I never meant for this to happen
Never saw the broken glass I swear