Albus Potter and the Stoner Election
By
Chad Copenhagen
Chapter One: You don't get me dad
Albus Severus lies in his house, in the warmth of his living room while his parents freak out. "Albus!" Yelled Harry. "It's almost time for you to go to Hogwarts!" "Sure darn is" replied Albus. "Aren't you gonna do the thing you normally do and get ready instead of watching Law&Order while shoving spaghetti down your pants" "You don't get me dad" said Albus. "Please put on fresh pants" replied Harry. "Why don't you ever frogging yell at James" said Albus "Because he doesn't shove spaghetti down his pants and watch videos of naked men skydiving into cactuses" Said Harry. "Its cacti, thank you very much" replied Albus. "YOU JUST DONT GET ME DAD" "please. Put on fresh pants, grab your owl, Thoothpasthe, get your supplies and run into a big brick frogging wall" Harry said. "I'll do it if you give me money" said Albus "Here's a Galleon, and don't get lost" replied Harry. And off the Potter children went to Hogwarts.
Chapter II. The train frogging station.
As they were at the station they saw a semi well known North American celebrity sitting on a bench. Albus, who had spent all the dingdong summer watching TellyVision recognized him immeasurably qucikly. It was Toronto's very own rapper person, Drake, famous . "Hey, don't mean to be a bother, but aren't you Drake" said Albus. "Why yes, yes I am" he replied all in shock. "I didn't think i were going to be recognized in British Lands." Said Drake. "Albus will you stop talking to your stupid TellyVision person and help us catch the train to school" said Lily. "I best be leaving now" said Albus. "Big Fan BTW" and just as he said that Thoothpasthe began to fly away. "THOOTHPASTHE, NO!" Albus began to frantically chase after his beloved vermin creature. "Well, guess I better go help the nice Brit catch his winged creature" said Drake. So the six god helped Albus chase after Thoothpasthe. They jumped high and low and as they were approaching the ever so well known 9/3/4 platform they were about to catch the owl. Drake was then ran over by the cart which had the owl, which had been caught James, Albus and Lily were riding on the cart as well, and they all tumbled in to platform 9/3/4.
Chapter 3: Drake's on a train
"I always loved owls" said Drake. "Wait hol' up" said Drake now second guessing himself, "Where are we?!" "This" replied Albus "is the Hogwarts express" "Hogwarts" said Drake "isn't that a myth like Bigfoot, Aliens or girls farting" "Looks real to Me" said Albus. "Wow." Said Drake. "Are we like stuck here because I got to record my new album.". "Well, unless you can escape you're frogging stuck here and you'll need to go to Hogwarts." Said Albus. "Don't worry I'm sure you'll find lots of fun stuff to do, wizarding isn't too hard once you get the hang of it." "Wizarding" said Drake questionably. "Yeah, wizarding" Albus replied. Meanwhile, Albus was going to talk with his #SQUaD. His #SQUaD consisted of Linus "Poo-Poo" Jones, Qwub Blubbner, Schoonie "U-Turn" Singleton, Athanasius Butler and MaVarkus "The Diggs" Diggler and himself. Poo-Poo talks in Cowboy slang and hails from Sweden and loves some meatballs. Qwub is a fruitcake fanatic who always has his phone on him and is one of the top educators of Muggle stuff because he smuggles in muggle gadgets to Hogwarts a wizard but a muggle first. U-Turn is a smooth playa. Athanasius Butler is a stoner Brit who wants to summon the spirit of Jimi Hendrix. The Diggs is a frogging weirdo who talks to himself. That's the skinny on the #SQUaD. After some lively chat something very mysterious happened. Everybody is now asleep except for Qwub cause he's on his phone and Athanasius is getting stoned. And Albus woke up but everybody on the train was asleep besides them. Albus quickly woke up the rest of the #SQUaD and told them that everybody is asleep. "What in tar nation? I don't even remember these bunk beds being here in our cabin. Dang shoo Hoobity. " said Poo-Poo. "So everybody else is asleep and ain't questioning it?" Said U-Turn. "Pretty much" said Albus. "I wasn't paying attention at all." Said Qwub. "I don't think this is awkward at all. Really dope actually." Said Athanasius. "Crank out the map and see where people are so we can watch them sleep." Said The Diggs. "I'm not gonna watch people sleep I'm gonna figure out why there sleeping." Said Albus. "I solemnly frogging swear I'm up to now dad gonnigly good". The Maruaders map opened. The #SQUaD walked down the train in search of any suspicious things. In fact they saw something on the Map. A moving figure named Mark Anderson. Mark Anderson is the train conductor so they thought nothing of it and became quieter. "Wait a monkey chasing darn doggy minute. Why is the train conductor moving." Observed Poo-Poo. The #SQUaD was going up and right and finally Athanasius had a drug infused answer "He needs to move so the train can move. He's like a band conductor for trains." "Genius" replied The Diggs. "I doubt it, just stay away." Said Albus. "Shoot Little Puppy Dogs he's a coming" said Poo-Poo. "Quick hide by Drake" said U-Turn. "Okay, but don't disturb him." Said Albus "Ooh, he's coming closer like what do we do man, I wanna touch him." Said Athanasius. "HIDE BY DRAKE" said Qwub. They slid by Drake and pretended to be nappin. "Good" said Mark Anderson as he tapped his feet and hustled away to check on other passengers. "That's seems awfully darn fishy" said Poo-Poo. "I can gut a fish with my feet" said The Diggs. "I love feet". Said Athanasius. "I like yo' girls feet." Replied U-Turn smoothly. "That's just nasty" said Qwub pretending to be Gary Busey. "Where am I." Said Drake, who just woke up. "I don't where my body is but my head is someplace else." Said Athanasius. "I'm a fan of this Kid." Said Drake. "Well you're on a train that may or may not be heading to a big wizarding school. Oh and everybody is asleep and I have no idea why." Said Albus. "But the train Conductor, Mark Anderson is looking very suspicious." Said U-Turn. "Can I just get whatever the hll this kid is smoking and sleep again. I don't have time for kids' problems. I'm the 6 God." Said Drake. While Drake and Athanasius were drug doing the remaining #SQUaD members quietly walked about the cabin. "I've idea!" Exclaimed Poo-Poo. "Look at the train control box. Mark Anderson is doggity gone and there is nobody in the train conductor box. Let's see hif his partner self has got any fishy fixings in there." "Wait, that sounds like a good idea but can I have the map for a bit." Said U-Turn. "Why" said Albus. "I need to find out where all the fly honeys are sitting. So I know where I can try my game when they finally wake up." U-Turn said. "You'll get it later." Albus said. "Y'all can have Diggs be the lookout. He's got glasses. I just wanna find out where my ladies at and maybe have a late night party. Y'all can come if you want. I'll need Qwub to be there so he can bump hot jams and keep the Party Train Rollin'."said U-Turn "Let's just look in the control box first, there's plentiful time to party up afterwards, Mark Anderson is not going to be gone forever." said Albus "Then we party." Said U-Turn "Hll yeah". Said moved over to the box and had Diggs be the lookout even though they had the map. "Mother of Christmas" exclaimed Poo-Poo. "It's all banana peels" Poo-Poo was right. There were no Controls. Just a filthy amount of banana peels. "Party?!" exclaimed U-Turn. "I can get Drake and make it lit^5" "I kinda just want to dive in the banana peels and feel them against my skin" said Diggs. "Y'all knock yourself out. It'd be mighty good scare for Mark Anderson if he were to see you diggy donkying it up with all dem banana peels. Y'all 'll miss the Party but I reckon yull have a fine time here. Really suits ya, eh Digg." Said Poo-Poo. So Diggs was just chillin in the banana peels while Qwub, U-Turn and Poo-Poo were headed with the map to find people to turn up with. Albus had the assignment to find Drake and Athanasius and make the party lit^5 with Drake performing and Athanasius hooking people up with his impressive stash of drugs. Albus carefully walked down, desperately hoping that Mark Anderson doesn't come in and see him. And Lo and Behold, Mark Anderson is walking through the train and he looks boiling mad. "Shoot, I wish I could tell Diggs to get outta there. Mark Anderson's gonna flip when he sees Diggs in his box." Albus thought. Scampering quietly after Anderson was a safe distance away, Albus turned to look and see if Diggs was still in there. Diggs was, but luckily Anderson just came in there to drop another banana peel in there and come to think of it, Anderson was always angry. So Albus made mozy on down and after a few minutes convinced Drake and Athanasius to come to the party. The party wasn't hard to find at all, half the bus was awakened by loud music and the other sounds of good times. The #SQUaD was semi well known before, as Harry Potter's son will undoubtedly be some form of a cool kid but this night was when they became legends, and charging 5 currency for an invite in they were making some serious cash and having the time of their lives. Until Mark Anderson knocked on the door.
Chapter 4: The Hogwarts express was burned down lets hitchhike.
Mark Anderson hates four things. Young People, Music, Dancing and Everything. He's an angry British guy with a gun and a few matches. He's also THE angry British guy with a gun. "YOU HAVE 3 MINUTES TO GATHER YOUR THINGS BEFORE I BURN THIS STUPID TRAIN UP!" Yelled Mark. So all partying was put to the side and the students were dropped off in the middle of Britland with no place to go. Then Mark Anderson burned the Hogwarts express. The only solution left for the #SQUaD+Drake and the other students was to hitchhike to Hogwarts. When you're with Drake, getting a ride is rather easy, Albus recognized a wizard with a large large station wagon and hitchhiked and brought along the #SQUaD and Drake. They got it better than Mandey Kablammy, who was stuck between two rednecks going 178 on the wrong side of a one way street. She died. After the ride they thanked the wizard and they went to the school of witchcraft and wizardry known as Hogwarts. R.I.P Mandey Kablammy. She was made to be killed.
Chapter 5: I Kill McGonagall lets elect a new leader!
Mark Anderson was not frogging done yet, thank you very much. He had always wanted to do an assassination and the day before school started he shot McGonagall in the face killing her. As the Great First Day of School started and all the students were mourning the bad news , her second in command Professor Sylvester Cornwallis had a very important announcement regarding the open headmaster position. "Now now children children" said Cornwallis "As we mourn the loss of the legendary headmistress McGonagall, it has been widely believed that I, General Admissions Administrator Administrative General of the Admissions Generation Administration of the General Admission Administrative Administration for General Administrating Generosities, General Sylvester (the P is for Perciville), her believed to be second in command shall take the reins and run this fine academy for a it is not so. I will now officially call the very first Hogwarts Headmaster/Headmistress Election." (Students discuss amongst themselves.) "Let's not get too ahead ourselves now children" Cornwallis continued on "There are some ground rules that needs some straightening out. Each house will get an opportunity to send one teacher, counselor, chaperone, employee, custodian, assistant, professor, schoolworker, ghost OR Student to run for head powerstry." "W-w-wait man hold up" stammered Drake. "What if you ain't in no weird-as-a-beard-on-a-lady house" "Well now I suppose this must be accounted for" said Cornwallis "You could probably manage to run as an independent." "I be doin that. 1 to 100 I'm signing up" said Drake. "Alright then, y'all students have two hours to elect your representatives and there will be 2 big debates. First debate is held here and I will ask prerecorded questions the second debate is when y'all ask the questions. Democracy frogging rules, elect your leaders in two joyous hours or this Drake fellow gets the position. Get on with it!
After some heated debating each house had their candidate. Hailing from Slytherin a man with wispy blond hair and a borderline offensive persona stepped out and said "The fine folks of Slytherin have elected me to be Hogwarts' next lovely leader. Some of your are probably thinking 'who is this guy' and I'm like 'you really don't know' anyways, my real name is Donald Thromp but you now can and should always refer to me as "Papa Bear" because I like the way it sounds. I will make Hogwarts great again!" "Well there goes Slytherin" said Cornwallis "For Slytherin Papa Bear will be running, Papa Bear. Gryffindor, who do you choose." A young man in his mid 30's stood up. He had everyday good looks was tall, Tanner than the average Joey and had a dang nice and simply omnipotently iconic Hairsyle. He wore a nice suit with khaki shorts and then he spoke. "I am Robert Saggit, I am a father figure to most Gryffindors and I think we should arm babies. Arm Babies. Save Hogwarts. Love y'all have a blessed day." "So for Gryffindor, Robert Saggit, Ravenclaw whom did you elect, please tell." Said Cornwallis. A girl student who was really well liked in the Ravenclaw communities stood up. "I am Gena Uvula, but that's who you know me as, believe it or not I am actually part dog. The dog is named Gloria and she's crazy.! She comes out from time to time and controls my speech patterns. Observe. *dog noises* Thank you." "Okay then, Gena "Gloria" Uvula for Ravenclaw. Hufflepuff" A stocky young bard who is the most gladly well known Hufflepuff in the house showed up. And his name is Chilibowl Maxwell. The #SQUaD didn't like Chilibowl Maxwell because he was dating Chica Gonzales, Albus' Mexican ex. Albus wants her back and is mad because she obviously upgraded. "I am Chilibowl Maxwell and thanks to my lovely lady Chica Gonzales, I am running for headmaster should be a fun time. *His theme song plays* "Chilibowl Maxwell for Hufflepuff then. Best of luck to y'all."
Chapter 6: Athanasius Becomes a Drug Dealer
"Dude, why'd you staple your butt to the toilet seat?" Said U-Turn, referring to an incident where The Diggs stapled his butt to a toilet seat. "I don't know but, that staple remover sure cost a lot. And it hurt too." The Diggs responded.
And suddenly The #SQUaD was camping out in the commons area and they realized that they had spent too much money. "Man, why'd we spend so much money?" Questioned U-Turn, who was rocking a designer collar shirt, approximately 30 chains, including a diamond plated Hogwarts chain covered in gold, a Cajun voodoo doll and an actual eclair. "I don't know man, it's just that we thought we could do anything after the party and we went on a frogging big spending spree." Said Albus. "Now I got my Muggle Money converted into Wizard Curren$y and now I'm broke in both currencies." Said Qwub "My parents will kill me." "Hevk, if you think your parents will kill you my dad who doesn't get me and my life choices will surely do some of his magic torture spells." Said Albus."Gosh Dnag if only there was some way too get some big tootin money fast as a speedy houndbull." Said Poo-Poo. "Sorry but do any of y'all want drug? It'll make ya feel better" said Athanasius. "Wait a minute, Athansius have you ever considered drug dealing? In my potions class it's very clear that people are just dying for some drugs, which is better than dying of some drugs, but no matter. The point is that Hogwarts students are really wanting to get high on drugs and There's a great supply here, so sell em and make that paper." Said U-Turn. "I mean BRUH, that'd be lit^5 if you could get some money by a shady hustle like drug dealing." Said Qwub. "I mean, I know how drug deals and shizz work so why the frog not? I'll need you guys to set up some clients and hide my garden. Anyways if you'll excuse me I think I just saw Mick Jagger on a butterfly." Said Athanasius. "Wait" said Qwub. "You're going to need a large brown overcoat." "I can knit you one." Said Diggs. So it was settled. After the overcoat was knitted they just needed to find a shady alley and the right buyer. The perfect place to spot a buyer seemed to be U-Turn's potions class. When U-Turn entered in the class he immediately turned to the Hufflepuff side and found a kid who he just knew was dying to get hooked up. Jen Brothers was the weird kid who nobody really knew what went on inside her head, picture the Diggs but female and more differ be vocal sayings. He approached hen and in true U-Turn fashion he said it in this voice that know female can resist. "Hey go to the shady corner buy the grave of Mrs. Norris there will be a guy who can hook you up with drug." While everybody stared at him and wondered what he was doing the rest of the period he at Least knew he should be getting money out of this. Athanasius, looking crazy fly in the coat the Diggs knitted him, slowly and trying hard to look unsuspicious, drifted towards the shady corner where the drug deal was going to happen. Jen hopped over there, clearly oblivious to the muggle art of the drug deal. "Hey, I got the stuff." Said Athanasius "yeah, well I like stuff" responded Jen. "Pay me and you get stuff." said Athansius "Hooty Fair" said Jen. Afterwards an extremely awkward and unusually executed endeavor is executed. Athanasius awkwardly tried to stuff drug in to her pocket, which was on the knee of those pants she wore of a brand you don't even wanna know exists, and collected the money and ran off almost miraculously unseen. U-Turn was going to pay close attention to see if there first customer was showing any signs of being on drug that would increase their ever-so-shady business. Jen acted completely normal, and because she is just such a complex character that it deserves no detail, everybody wanted to know what U-Turn had said to Jen. U-Turn slyly hinted at the drug bizness and suddenly demand was boomin like Metro Boomin. And speaking of Metro Boomin, let's see what Drake's up to. Drake had finally accepted that he'd be here until the summer unless he won the election and was granted his freedom. He had pleaded with Sylvester Cornwallis about granting his escape, but a muggle knowing of magic is simply too risky unless the proper protocol of a year's schooling seminar on how magic isn't real that the Administration totally made up because they didn't know what to do and didn't want the Ministry finding out about a muggle finding out about magic. If Drake was elected Hogwarts head minister he could mysteriously step down and go outside into the muggle world because he'd have the power to do that and the administration would no longer just treat him as a student to avoid the suspicion that would arrive if a student who looked pretty darn old for a student was just sent home by himself. Drake's connections in the muggle world were simply sent by this one tweet that Drake tweeted from Qwub's phone. . "I'll be alright. I'm taking a small break and focusing on some important life issues & music. VFT6 sometime later when ready. . When somebody tried to contact him he always just used that he really wants to focus on the music/issues that he's facing. On the plus side he had nothing to do for the majority of the day when he was not at counseling or with the #SQUaD he could write music or his campaign speeches. Anyways, the second drug deal is equally important as the first. They found a client by the name of Goldtooth Monroe. Goldtooth Monroe was previously a Hogwarts professor before he was fired for making profanity laced rants about how evil the administration is because they won't let him have a gun to shoot during class for research purposes. Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers, Amorites? It's always risky selling drugs to a former teacher, but how would I know? (Authors Note: Due to my unfamiliarity to the drug industry I use the generic term drug to describe the drugs that the #SQUaD is dealing. Drugs are here for comedy purposes; Don't drugs kids.) After they found the client Goldtooth said he knows the perfect spot in the teachers lounge for the deal to go down. After Professor Rododudo left the room to go get her WizardBucks coffee because she basic Athanasius and Goldtooth scurried in the corner and hid behind a painting and the drugs were delivered. " Hot dang we got beans now hoss " said Poo-Poo. "Yeah we got money, so why stop making money" said Albus. The drug business began to boom and people began to notice. Teachers were calling out students and class and checking if they were alright. The drug business took a brief halt when arguably the dumbest frattiest student Hermes "The Greek God" Ethylnolyphocknius said all the wrong things and got busted. After the Greek God got in big trouble the school's newfound problem with drug filled students was obviously going to be a hot button topic at the debate and teachers will be nonstop stalking out the deals to catch whomever is behind them. Speaking of the debate, it's a Segway to the next plot line in the next chapter.
Chapter 7: The Debate on Drugs
Felix Felicius is a lucky potion. Goldtooth Monroe wanted to wish all the contestants so much good luck he told them about Athanasius and the drug dealing bizness and said he could hook you up with some Felix Felicious. The problem is that he gave all of the candidates the same location and meeting time. He was fired for a reason. So Athanasius felt he was in a very peculiar situation. Drake, Gloria, Papa Bear, Robert Saggit and Chilibowl all surrounded him begging for the one vile of Felix Felicius. "Hey, guys, man I appreciate your begging but I've got other and better drugs here too." Athanasius panicked out. So all the candidates got absolutely frog-wasted on drugs. They got so high a very special thing that Athanasius had been longing to happen for forever happened. The spirit of Jimi Hendrix was summoned. "What year is it" inquired Jimi Hendrix. "Why, it's 2015, man." Said Papa Bear. "What are y'all folks doing here" said Jimi. "Well there's this huge debate going on." Chilibowl tried to explain while he was tripping. "A bunch of high debate candidates. Sound like the exact thing I'd want to be summoned for. Sign me up." Said Jimi. "Well the debate starts in 10 minutes so I don't see why you can't run. Welcome abound." Said Robert Saggit. Ten Minutes later the Great Debate began. "Because two separate debates would be extremely time consuming will have just this one, great big frogging debate." Said Cornwallis. (Crowd cheers) "I, Sylvester Cornwallis, will ask questions for the first part of the debate. You students will ask questions for the second part of the debate." As the debate was about to begin Cornwallis just received the word from a delegate that the spirit of Jimi Hendrix would be running. "It appears to me we have a last minute candidate. Ladies and Gentleman, Jimi Hendrix!" (Crowd is confused.) "Oh, kids these days. Anyways my first question is: How can you improve Hogwarts. "
(AUTHORS NOTE: Script format is being used now 4 art reasons)
Papa Bear: Build a giant wall. Nobody can harm you if you have a giant wall.
Robert Saggit: Give babies guns. ARM BABIES.
Gloria: accept people for who they are even if they're a dog *dog noises*
Chilibowl: Throw giant parties all the time and get frog-wasted
Jimi: What he said but better.
Drake: Make me ruler and you'll know. Thank me later.
Cornwallis: you're supposed to start disagreeing with each other now.
Robert Saggit: Anybody who says we should do anything besides arm babies is a darn fool. Babies are the future. Give them guns now. To save the future arm the future.
Papa Bear: Sorry, but you're not wearing any pants.
Chilibowl: I can dig it.
Robert Saggit: you know who else doesn't wear pants? That's right. Babies. They have diapers. And if I can't wear pants and know dang well how to properly use and operate a firearm for self defense I have no doubt in my mind that a baby could do the same.
Gloria: Dogs don't wear pants either and we don't arm them *dog noises*
Robert Saggit: Dogs are always in the push up position. You cannot fire a firearm from the push-up position. Babies just sit upright on their butts. You can fire a gun like that. So if you can fire a gun THAN WHY ARE WE NOT ARMING THEM FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.
Papa Bear: Your Face.
Robert Saggit: More like your face Ooooooh.
Drake: Dawg, I ain't heard a diss that weak since Meek Mill.
Jimi: Who's Meek Mill.
Drake: Exactly.
Jimi: anyways I could give a less about arming people and what not I just want peace love and positivity and Hey! Wait, where's my guitar.
Chilibowl: Well, uh, I haven't seen it.
Jimi: You stole it.
Chilibowl: have not
Jimi: Have to.
Chilibowl: I definitely didn't steal your guitars. Dude I don't even know how to play a guitar.
Jimi: Thief! Thief! Thief!
Gloria: We Shall Kill the Theif! *dog noises*
Robert Saggit: I propose a firing squad of babies.
Drake: Wait. If you is a ghost, how can you play guitar.
Jimi: Well I guess you're right. Being dead sucks. I thought I'd be more grateful.
Papa Bear: You wouldn't want a dead guy as a leader would you. Come on now! Dead guys are freaking wimps. They died for heavens sakes! I'm practically immortal. I haven't died yet! If you want a leader who can lead forever, vote me.
Chilibowl: Excuse me, but if your real name is Donald Thromp, why do you refer to yourself as Papa Bear.
Papa Bear: your name is Chilibowl.
Chilibowl: Well Drake's real name is Audrey Graham.
Drake: Your name is still Chilibowl.
Chilibowl: Gloria, your name is Gena. You're not a frogging dog. WAKE UP!
Gloria: Your name is still Chilibowl *dog noises*
Jimi: Well that settles question one.
Cornwallis: Alright, question 2 then. What I'll be the first thing you will change if you are elected.
Robert Saggit: Give babies weaponry. Papa Bear: Why do you even bother asking questions to this schmuck? All he wants to do is arm babies. Does he think of anything else?
Robert Saggit: I think you're an idiot.
Drake: oooh conflict
Papa Bear: If I'm an idiot you're two idiots.
Robert Saggit: Just like your parents.
Papa Bear: Sure beats that dumpster that you crawled out of
Robert Saggit: Well at least a dumpster does an actual service for this world, unlike your parents, who made you and should be jailed for their crimes against humanity.
Papa Bear: You should be jailed for a crime against humanity for that haircut.
Robert Saggit: Oh that's rich coming from you
Papa Bear: Yes, I am rich.
Drake:I am rich too
Papa Bear: Nobody dragged you into this you Canadian Crybaby
Drake: Oh, now your callin me a crybaby? Like how you cry about the other candidates and political correctness.
Jimi: Why can't we all just get along and do drugs and listen to bomb music.
Papa Bear: HE SAID BOMB. GET THE TERRORIST.
Robert Saggit: If babies had guns there would be no terrorists.
Chilibowl: Can I say something?
Papa Bear: Does anybody honestly care about you Hufflepuff opinion.
Chilibowl: Your mom does. I would know because I was over at her house last night.
Papa Bear: My mom is dead.
Chilibowl: I'm sorry.
Papa Bear: I'm sorry your such a bad politician.
Chilibowl: Speaking of bad politicians, where is Gloria? *Gloria is gone*
Papa Bear: I threw a tennis ball when y'all weren't looking.
Gloria *emerges with tennis ball in mouth* That was you?! *dog noises*
Papa Bear: Yes.
Gloria*throws tennis ball at Papa Bear*
Papa Bear: Not the first time I've been covered in women's spit
Drake: that's disgusting
Jimi: I can dig it.
Gloria: Obviously Papa Bear here is discriminatory to humanimals. Do you Hogwarts students really want a discriminatory headmaster? *dog noises*
Papa Bear: You really think your a dog? I only discriminate against stupid people.
Gloria: And Females *dog noises*
Jimi: And black people
Chilibowl: And Mexicans.
Papa Bear: So. Stupid people.
(Crowd Boos)
Robert Saggit: (chanting) Kick Him Out! Kick Him Out!
Papa Bear(yelling): Why don't we kick Jimi out, he isn't even alive! Drake can't sing without autotune! Chilibowl is dating a Mexican! Gloria is a frogging dog! Robert Saggit is a good for nothing fudgerudder of a baby loving human being! You know hwat! I don't need y'all. Frog all of you. I'm gonna go find a more supportive fan base in America! *Runs off gives high fives to the Slytherins while flipping the crowd off with the other hand*
Sylvester Cornwallis: Well that does it for Papa Bear.
Chilibowl: Do you think he'll have success in America.
Robert Saggit: Sure frogging hope not.
Sylvester Cornwallis: Ok, next question. Say one sentence.
Drake: That's not a question.
Cornwallis: What's it to you!
Drake: Nothing, I suppose.
Chilibowl: I want to name my child Paul.
*from the audience Chilibowl's girlfriend Chica Gonzales stands up*
Chica: CHILD?! I DONT WANT NO FROGGING CHILD.
Chilibowl: Well when I have a future wife and we have babies I want a Paul.
Chica: Am I your future wife?
Chilibowl: I don't know, maybe?!
Chica: Wrong answer Dutchbag! We're done. I'm getting back with Albus!
*somewhere in audience*
Albus: What kind of drugs did you give her?
Athanasius: I have no idea.
*back to the debate*
Drake: I know that feel bro.
Chilibowl: This frogging sucks mane. I could die.
Jimi: Don't die. It sucks.
Gloria: I have multiple dog lives. *dog noises*
Cornwallis: Now. Crowd questions!
A sucky loser named Shamma Lamma Ding-Dong stood up and began to speak.
Shamma Lamma Ding-Dong:-"My brother, Ramma Damma Ding-Dong said that Drake is a muggle!"
Drake: well then tell you're brother he's stupid
Shamma Lamma Ding-Dong: hey Ramma Damma, your stupid
Ramma Damma Ding-Dong: What about my stupid?
Shamma Lamma Ding-Dong: How did you know I used the wrong form of your?
Ramma Damma Ding-Dong: Frogging magic, titchbits.
Cornwallis: Well that's the end of that question, next!
Shirley Dankey, a hotshot young reporter, stood up and yelled
Shirley Dankey: HI SHIRLEY DANKEY HERE FROM THE DAILY FROGGING PROPHET AND WHAT TO YOU THIBK ABOUT FREEDOM OF SPEECH.
Chilibowl: Calm the hll down, woman
Gloria: Animal noises should be included in freedom of speech. *dog noises*
Robert: Freedom of speech shall include baby noises. ARM BABIES.
Jimi: Why am I even here?
Cornwallis: Well, this has gone on for long enough, and I need a frogging nap, thank you very much, so the Ballot Owls, or bowels, will pass out the voting ballots. RELEASE THE BOWELS!
*bowels fly everywhere*
*votin begins*
*votin ends*
*bowels return back to Cornwallis*
Cornwallis: I have, in my very frogging left hand, the results of voting for who 'll be the next Hogwarts headmaster or headmistress.
Gloria: Id prefer the term based on my real gender of female dog, so if I will be elected I shall be a Headbitch.
Chilibowl: lol she said bitch and in this story we don't frogging cuss.
Cornwallis: How Rude! In this case "bitch" means female dog, not your mother! So without further Adooo-oooo-oooooooo. Your next Hogwarts Headmaster or Headbitch is *drums rollin*
FROM THE INDEPENDENT PARTY...DRAKE!
*crowd goes frogwild and dances to Hotline Bling*
*Drake goes up to podium*
Drake: As the newly elected Hogwarts head minister I will step down and visit the Muggle world to learn about Muggle culture. Don't ask any questions.
Cornwallis: Well I sure frogging won't! So the next candidate that received the second most votes and finished in second place behind Drake will be the newly elected Headmaster or Headbitch. *drums rollin*
AND HIS NAME IS…JOHN CENA.
(CENA song plays)
ALRIGHT WHO FROGGING WROTE THIS JOHN CENA DOENST EVEN GO HERE. HES A DURMSTRANG FELLOW, YEEZUS!
*Cornwallis calms himself*
Ok. So the second candidate that received the second amount of votes behind Drake is. *drums rollin* ROBERT SAGGIT!
*Robert walks onto the podium*
Robert: I'll be the best baby-arming headmaster Hogwarts has ever frogging had!
But somewhere in the corner of the Great Hall lies Mark Anderson who has a gun and he's not afraid to use it. (Dun dun dun)
THA END.
Thanks for reading