For Mali Chic. Sorry it took so long.
Clare was in a 'pickle' as she liked to call it; and not the sort of pickle that could be solved with her usual equations and attempts at philosophy. This dilemma dealt with emotions- hot, leaping, unexplainable emotions; something she was not, and had no attention to be, used to handling. Physics, algebra, Plato? That she could deal with. But sleepless nights, immoral thoughts, and heated fantasies? No, not happening.
She tried thinking of 'it' in logical terms: humans were put on earth to reproduce. Humans needed to have…god, it was heard for her to even think sometimes- sex to make babies. Sex felt good so humans would continue to add to the population. Thus, hormones were born. It was normal to look at her boyfriend and imagine ripping of his black clothes and satiating a certain, burning need-
Dear god, Darcy's slut cooties had somehow rubbed off on her! Soon she'd be getting drunk and skipping bible study! It was already starting: Darcy dated the bad boys, and so was she; after all, Eli wasn't the typical, clean-cut all-American boy she'd always imagined falling in love with. And these feelings searing up and down her body…what was wrong with her?
…
"You're horny," Adam deadpanned; seemingly unconcerned with the nosy kids mulling through the hall around them. "It's not some kind of sickness."
Clare felt her face go red. "Shhh! Do you want everyone knowing my personal life?" She brought her books closer to her face in an attempt to hide away.
Adam took one look at her and laughed. "This is a High School, Clare bear. Do you think you're the only hot-blooded, normal teenager running around with the urge to hump?"
"Do you really have to refer to it in such crude terms?" She pouted, only to turn back around. "Wait, you said I was normal?"
Adam rolled his eyes. "See? This is why I don't like bible-thumpers. They make all the good stuff sound bad." He snorted impatiently. "Come with me."
…
Adam shoved his hands in the deep pockets of his jacket, and nodded over to the couple sitting on the outside bench. "Example A: horny teenagers making out."
Clare wrinkled her nose skeptically; peeking more obviously around the corner to get a better look. "Eli and I make out all the time, it doesn't mean we're-"
"Horny?" Adam offered.
"Aroused," she quipped.
"But you are. Why else would people make out? It's the lead-up to the big finish!"
"You seem to be an expert on this stuff. Care to tell your best friend anything?"
Adam promptly went silent, and politely gave his friend the bird.
Clare only smirked; battle won.
…
"Example B: horny teenagers flirting."
Clare tip-toed and rested her chin on Adam's shoulder. They were partially hidden underneath a bench; Clare couldn't help but silently give Adam props for choosing such a secure location.
"They're just talking and we can't hear anything from over here. How do you know they're flirting? Maybe they're just good friends-"
"Shut up and listen." Adam crouched on his knees. "Now I want you to watch the way she blushes when he smiles-"
Sure enough, the brunette before them had rosy cheeks.
"And the way he touches her 'accidentally'."
Clare watched the scene; enthralled. Adam was right again, the boy's hand rested every so often on the girl's shoulder and his chest brushed against hers.
"Wow," Clare said; impressed. "You're right, they are getting pretty intimate."
"Look!" Adam pointed excitedly, "she's giving him her number!"
Just then, the boy and girl spun around to glare at the peeping toms. "We can hear everything you're saying, weirdoes."
Clare moved to leave, Adam pulled her back down. "They aren't talking to us, idiot."
"Yes we are," the girl spat, arms crossed over her chest.
"Oh, maybe they are."
The two friends scrambled away.
…
"Alright, alright. So you're good at reading people- and? How is this helping me with my, with my-"
"With your need for sex?" Clare punched him in the arm. "I'm trying to show you that just because the bible says not to, doesn't exactly means it's wrong. It's normal; flirting leads to dating and dating to making out and making out to fucking."
Clare balked and sputtered. "W-what? You're rushing things a bit fast, don't you think?"
Adam shook his head and slammed his locker shut. "Not at all. You and Eli have been dating for a while-"
"It's only been a couple months, and we broke up once; remember?"
"You took a break," he corrected. "And so what? You're horny; he's horny. You guys should just do the dirty and be done with it. So much damn drama…" He opened his comic book and began to read. "Haven't you ever wanted to let loose?"
Something reckless and warm sizzled from her stomach. She thought of her oppressive parents and her own secret desires and wants. And with a few moments of mentally weighing out of the pros and cons; Clare made her decision. To her shame, she didn't resist as hard as she thought she would. "Hey Adam?"
He didn't look up. "What?"
"Thanks." She threw her bag over her shoulder and went to find Eli.
…
"What's going on," he muttered, still sulking from the way she'd been acting. "If this is some kind of set-up-"
"Hush," Clare reprimanded.
If she was going to lose her virginity, she'd make darn sure to lose it in style. There were candles on the desk and incense dangling from her window, and some sappy; unoriginal pop song playing quietly from her radio. It was perfect, if she did say so herself.
She pulled the blindfold from his eyes and he examined his surroundings in confusion. "Clare?"
She pulled her blouse off with an overly dramatic flip of her hair, and licked her lips, just like in the movies. "I want you inside of me, Eli."
"..."
"I said: I want you inside of me, Eli." She added another hair flip and lip lick. Wasn't that line supposed to make men crumple?
"Are you okay?"
…
After convincing him that no- she was not under the influence of any type of drug or alcohol, and that no- Adam wasn't hiding in the room somewhere; waiting deviously to pop out; realization hit Eli and he looked at his blue-eyed girlfriend with a lump in his throat.
"You sure," he whispered.
And when she nodded she meant it.
…
"Um…my hand is stuck in your bra." He shifted awkwardly above her and she wriggled beneath him, and the situation grew worse.
"This would be so embarrassing if it wasn't with you."
"Definitely," he agreed.
…
"Owe!" She stiffened in his embrace.
He kissed her neck and lost himself in the feeling of being inside of her. "I'm so sorry, baby. I thought you knew about the pain…it'll get better soon."
She raised an eyebrow. "I doubt it, that splinter got me pretty bad." She popped her finger in her mouth and licked away the blood.
"What? You're finger hurts?"
She held her pointer finger out for him to view. "It's all red and puffy now, see?" He slapped his hand against his forehead. "What did you think I meant?"
His eyes narrowed and he looked down purposefully at their connected bodies.
Clare was never one to be known as slow; and she blushed with realization. "Ohhh…you meant that." She waved her hand as if swiping away a fly. "That didn't hurt at all. I barely felt it!"
She said it to reassure him, but he nearly fell over.
"What are you trying to say?"
Her mouth fell open, then shut. "What I meant to say was 'don't stop. It feels so good'. Ahhh, ohm yes." She threw in a couple moans and sighs for an added effect.
She sounded like a whale.
"Shut up, Clare."
"Okay."
…
As most clichéd, teenage tales require; the mom just happened to come home at the most inconvenient time, blissfully unaware of her teenage daughter doing the dirty on the floor above.
To further complicate things, said mother conveniently forgot her purse at the house, and decided to ask said daughter where the cursed purse might be hiding.
She opened the (for some reason) unlocked door. "Clare, honey have you- JESUS, MARY, AND JOSEPH!"
Eli fell from the bed; Clare threw a sheet over her sweaty body. "Mom! Uh- what are you doing home?"
She supposed it really did no good at asking the question, because the fact of the matter was it made no difference why her mom was home or when she came home; it mattered that she was home and that she'd just walked in on the most satisfying, thrilling moments of Clare's young life.
Her mother ran after Eli with fire in her eyes. "Scoundrel! Miscreant! Spawn of the devil!"
Eli snuck a kiss on Clare's red lips as he pulled on his clothes. "Love ya, Clare bear."
"Love you, too." She watched wistfully as he descended gracefully (fell head first) out of the window.
She turned to her sobbing mother. "A harlot! Dear Jesus my daughter is a harlot!"
She smiled.
Short, silly, and maybe a little sweet. I know Adam, Clare, and Eli were out of their character, but this fic was made for cheap laughs and dry humor. Deal.
For those of you who enjoyed: thank you, come again.
Feedback is encouraged :]