Just a short lil' Nuriko piece... Very random, as is most of my writing. Reviews are always appreciated!

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So, I'm a brother. All I ever was, and all I'll ever be. They all think of me like that, a brother, a best friend, but never someone to love with all your heart, someone to wrap your arms around and feel safe.
Maybe I brought that upon myself. Maybe I'm too open, too caring, too willing to listen. Maybe I brought it upon myself with the fact that I'm a guy. That might be it.
Even before Kourin died, I felt I wanted to be a woman. I was always stronger than the other boys in our village, and rough-housing was no big excitement, because I always won. What I really wanted to do, was to go over to where my sister and her friends were, and to play dress-up with them. I knew that wasn't right, but I couldn't help it.
When she died, I took that as my excuse for dressing as a woman. As my excuse for falling in love with His Majesty. As my excuse for hating Miaka. But I had no excuse for loving her.
Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night, not knowing who I am. I wonder, am I Nuriko? Am I Kourin? Am I Ryuuen? And sometimes, I don't even recognize the name. Joe. Who is Joe?
Eventually, I realize. I am all of them. I am Nuriko, the Suzaku Shichiseishi. I am Chou Kourin, a lady of the court. I am Chou Ryuuen, the strongest little boy in the village. I am Joe, though I also don't know who Joe is.
All I want in this world, all I want in the other world, is to be loved. I have a problem with unrequited love. Hotohori loves Miaka, I've always known that. I can never be what Miaka is to him. And I can never be what Tamahome is to Miaka.
I ocassionally feel bitter because of those two facts. Why is it that Miaka and Tamahome get to live happily ever after, while the rest of us sit of sit of in our little corners, feeling sorry for ourselves, and drowning our sorrows in bottles of sake.
Neither Miaka nor Tamahome ever meant to hurt me. Love just works that way. You love one person, and not another. That's all you can do, is love the people your heart tell you to love. Miaka and Tamahome can't help loving each other. I can't help loving Miaka. I can't help loving Hotohori.
What would my life have been like if I hadn't been chosen to be a Suzaku Shichiseishi. Would I have been as compelled to dress as my sister, and come to the court?
Perhaps Kourin died for a reason. She died, so that I was able to go to court, and meet his majesty, and fulfill my destiny. When I think about it that way, I'm not so proud to be a seishi. It's a difficult choice to make. Would I rather be a seishi, or have my sister? Part of me wonders if there was a way I could have had both. If there was some other way of me somehow meeting Miaka.
They say that you can't have everything. But can't I at least have something?