Disclaimer: The characters of Downton Abbey are property of Julian Fellowes and PBS/ITV.

Just an idea that popped into my mind a few days ago. Hope you like it!

Bad Dreams

Ever since the war began and Matthew went away, Mary Crawley does not sleep well.

Sometimes, she wakes up in the middle of the night, scared of her own dreams. He is always there, in her dreams; but he is not alright. In her dreams, Matthew is hurt, badly wounded or almost dead. In her dreams it's always cold and scary. And Mary can't stand that thought. Matthew can't die there, away from her. Matthew will return. He will return to her.

No. Not to her. To Lavinia. He will return to Lavinia, he'll marry her and have many children. He will inherit Downton Abbey and be the Earl after her father. And —even if he doesn't want to do it— he will break Mary's heart. It's quite a horrible idea. But that thought —terrible as it is— is more bearable to Mary's mind than the thought of him dying in France.

Mary tries not to think about it. She tries to keep Matthew's engagement out of her mind. But she can't control her own brain all the time; at nights —when she wakes up to the thought of wounded, dying Matthew— she thinks about it. She doesn't want to remember that he is going to marry Lavinia but her mind betrays her constantly. Three a.m. had become unbearable for her. At three a.m. she cannot put their engagement in a back drawer inside her mind. At three a.m. she feels miserable and lonely.

Mary lies on her back and looks up. This night will probably as long as the nights that preceded it. At least, at nights she doesn't have to pretend that Matthew's engagement does not hurt her. There's no one around to be fooled.

Mary can't stand to be lying in her back, looking at the ceiling and trying —unsuccessfully— to fall asleep again. She knows it won't happen that easily. It doesn't matter how much she tries to sleep again, she can't do so. Anyway, Mary has become rather used to having sleepless nights. Most of her nights end that way since Matthew went away.

She decides that she cannot go back to sleep, so Mary gets up and grabs her dressing gown. Staying in her bedroom watching the ceiling is intolerable. She wraps herself with it and gets out of her room. Inside her room, Mary feels oppressed. Outside it, she feels free. She feels better in the hallways of the big, silent house. It's a warm spring night. Barefoot, she walks around Downton Abbey, trying to calm herself down. Perhaps she will get tired. If that happens, she could return to her bedroom and get into her bed. And sleep. So she keeps walking through the hallways. Somehow, feeling the cold floor beneath her naked feet calms her. Maybe it reminds her that she is awake and that the news she dreads have not come yet.

Perhaps she could do as Sybil. Training as a nurse seemed a very good idea in nights like this. That might help her to take her head away from Matthew. He was not hers to think about. He was Lavinia's. She should be the one who thinks constantly about him. Not Mary. Lavinia is the one who should be weeping for Matthew's safe and sound return. She probably does so, anyway. She is Matthew's fiancée after all. Mary should better remember it. But she cannot leave her mother alone. Nurse training is out of the question.

She knows it's her fault. If Mary hadn't been so silly two years before, she might be playing the weeping wife's role at that moment. Maybe, if they have got married two years ago, Matthew would not be in the trenches. Maybe he would be in Downton, with her. And she wouldn't be walking restlessly around the house. She would be in her bed, with Matthew's arms around her. Mary shakes her head as she walks down the hallway. Such stupid thought seems to plague her head at night like this. Silly, naïve, childish thoughts.

"No news, good news", she keeps repeating to herself while she walks down the hallway where the family's rooms are. As if by repeating it she may keep Matthew safe. As if nothing would happen to him as long as she keeps thinking he is safe. It's silly, she knows it. However, it gives her some sense of security. For this moment, Matthew is alive.

Mary stops herself and rests her head on the cold stone wall. Slowly, she slides to the floor. Her legs curl against her chest and her arms wrap them tightly.

"Is he thinking of me?" she asks herself. "No, of course he is not. He must be thinking about Lavinia", she answers. "Silly me".

But she wants him to be thinking of her. She really wants to believe that he has not forgotten her. That he is not over her. In the same way as she is not really over him. Mary wants to believe that he looks at the little stuffed dog she gave him as a lucky charm. And that he thinks of her when he does. And she wants to believe that the silly little toy is really a lucky charm; that it will really protect Matthew.

If there is something that Lady Mary Crawley wants more than anything in the world, it is that Matthew returns home safe and sound. Even if he is going to marry Lavinia. Even if he is going to break Mary's heart.

She raises her head to the ceiling and joins her hands in front of her. Leaning her head on her fists, she murmurs the prayer she repeats every day. Mary doesn't know if her prayers are actually working, but she prays nevertheless.

"Dear Lord, I don't pretend to have much credit with you. I'm not even sure that you're there" she mutters. "But if you are, and if I've ever done anything good, I beg you to keep him safe." (1)

Mary really hopes that there is a God above and that he listens to her.

*I have to say that English is not my first language, so I deeply apologise for any grammar mistake you may find.

(1) I took the prayer she says in Espisode 2.1 because it made me cry. I think it shows perfectly how deep is Mary's love for Matthew. And in myt crazy mind, she repeats it every night, hoping that God will listen.

So, did you like it?

Muselina

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