HOW DO I BREATHE?
Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh or this song.
Anzu is en route to the airport to catch her flight to New York. Atemu lets her go because he wants her to fulfill her dreams. But is this what he really wants? This story is told in the point-of-view of Atemu. "How Do I Breathe" is sung by Mario.
I'm lying in Yuugi's bed, staring at the ceiling. The sun outside is shining, betraying the storm I carry within. I have not slept in the past 24 hours. How could I, for all I would dream of is her.
How do I breathe, yeah?
How do I breathe, yeah?
Who is she, you ask? Her name is Mazaki Anzu and I am in love with her. Oh, but if I am in love with her, then why do I not want to dream of her? Well, that's because I had to say goodbye to her.
It feels so different being here,
I was so used to being next to you,
I had always been drawn to her, from the moment when she was taken hostage by that despicable convict. She was beautiful, inside and out. She still is. Her soul is bathed in so much goodness and light, that I wonder why she chose someone like me to love. But that's why she is who she is. She looks at you and just takes you in, no matter what you've done or where you came from.
We've known each other for the better part of three years. We had always stood together, battling evil and fighting for our lives. Even when I was at my worst, she would still be there, holding my hand, giving me a lifeline.
Life for me is not the same,
There's no one to turn to.
And now she's gone. As of now, she's en route to the airport to catch her flight to New York. All the way across the ocean to another world. She takes my light with her, my lifeline, and my heart. For the rest of my days, I will look beside me and find no one.
I don't know why I let it go too far,
Starting over - it's so hard.
Maybe if I hadn't pushed her away, she would still be here. Why did I have to be so cruel to her? When she had told me about her acceptance to Julliard, one of the best dancing schools in the world, I thought it was best to just end our relationship. I didn't want her decision to be biased in any way. I wanted Anzu to decide for Anzu. So I closed myself off from her, from the only love I have ever known. I shut off my heart, and extinguished my light.
Seems like everywhere I try to go,
I keep thinking of you.
I glance at the picture frame next to the lamp. It's a shot of Anzu and I on our first date. Tears threaten to fall as I realize that I can never forget her. We have so much history here. Images of us flash through my mind. Us saving the world. Her hand clutching mine as we searched for Yuugi's soul. How her scent filled my mind as she embraced me after I had decided to stay in this world after the Ceremonial Duel. Our first kiss in Domino Park.
I touch my cheek and realize that I'm crying.
I just had a wakeup call,
Wishing that I never let you fall,
I wish I could take it all back! I didn't mean for it to end this way. I don't want your last thought of me to be someone who changed his heart because he was afraid. Because that is what I am: afraid. I was scared to lose you. But my fear drove me to madness because I lost you anyway.
Baby you are not to blame at all.
When I'm the one that pushed you away.
I remember how you apologized to me that day, when I broke off our relationship. Your beautiful blue eyes, so full of life, had faded to a heartrending gray. And still, you apologized for hurting me when all you did was choose to live your dream. I should be the one apologizing for it was I who had shoved you away. I was the one who hurt you, blamed you, and for what? Because you decided to do something for yourself for once? Because you chose to live?
Baby if you knew I cared,
You'd have never went nowhere (nowhere),
I should have supported you. I should have held your hand because I should have known what this meant for you. I knew that your decision was one of the hardest ones you had to make because it meant that you would be saying goodbye to everyone, not just me. And yet, I left you alone. Maybe your heart wouldn't be so far from mine if I just gave you the same kindness you had always given me.
Girl I should've been right there.
I was wrong to turn away from you. And now I'm left here, all alone, with only a picture to remind me of the love I lost.
How do I breathe
Without you here by my side?
I close my eyes and my mind flashes back to all the times when we were together. It had always been you and I. You were my strength, my confidant, my rock. Without you, I am but a weak man.
How will I see
When your love brought me to the light?
When I lost Yuugi to the Orichalcos, you remained by my side, gently coaxing me out of the darkness I had buried myself into. You had been my beacon. Now I am doomed to live my life in that same darkness without you.
Where do I go
When your heart's where I lay my head?
My face is mess of tears now, but I don't care. The girl I gave my heart to is gone. Why did it have to end like this? I couldn't even get to see her one last time… I can't touch her, hug her, breathe in her sweet scent, or run my fingers through her beautiful hair.
When you're not with me,
How do I breathe?
How do I breathe?
I get up out of bed and walk downstairs. No one is home, just me. I guess I should start getting used to it, being alone. Grandpa, Yuugi, and the others are off at the airport to see Anzu off. I wanted to go but I don't think she'd want to see me. Not after how I treated her. I mean, I didn't even want to be friends with her because I knew we would need our space.
Plus, it was agonizing just being near her with the knowledge that she'd soon be gone.
I walk into the kitchen and notice the answering machine's light blinking. I normally left it to Yuugi or Grandpa to deal with it but something compelled me to check it. I press play and heard the sweetest voice in the world.
"Hey… Atemu," the voice of an angel speaks. I can hardly believe my ears. "I'm at the airport. Everyone's here and…" A faint, "Go on, Anzu," is heard. Yuugi, maybe? "I really want to see you. I know we haven't been as close as we used to these past few months but I still consider you my friend. Look, my flight is at 1:00pm. I'm taking JAL. They'll start boarding at 12:30. If you can't make it, then I understand. I... know we hurt each other and… Well, I'm sorry." Click.
I stand there, numbly. She wants to see me! I look at the clock. 12:04. Will I make it? Maybe if I take one of those taxis. But I'll need money. I rush into Grandpa's room and take a $20 bill, mumbling an apology.
Girl I'm losin' my mind.
Yes I made a mistake.
I quickly get dressed, not concerned what I may look like. There's no time! Oh, why didn't I get up earlier? I rush out the door and hold out my arm, as I was taught, to hail a taxi. My mind is spinning, it's a wonder I don't fall over at this point. Thoughts of you flood my mind. Regret drowns my heart. Once again I have failed you, giving in to my own selfish fear. Instead of being a man and seeing you off, I cowered in bed.
I finally catch a taxi. "Domino airport, please," I say to the driver. I look at my watch. 12:13. "I'll give you $20 if you can make it less than 10 minutes." Gods, please let me make it in time.
I thought that you would be mine.
Guess the joke was on me.
You had always been there for me. I took advantage of that. Now you're going and I only now do I realize your value. I shake my head sadly. You really don't know what you got until it's gone.
I miss you so bad, I can't sleep.
I wish I knew where you could be.
I hope you'll be happy in New York, Anzu. You deserve it, really you do. Accomplish your dreams. You've put your life on pause long enough. You helped me fly. Now it's time I return your wings back to you.
Another dude is replacing me,
God this can't be happening.
I wonder if she will find love in New York. My heart tightens at the thought of her in someone else's arms, her lips opening for someone else's. If she were to find another man, then I hope he appreciates her and never leaves her side. I hope he can make her laugh because her smile can brighten the world. I hope he is brave so he can protect her from pain.
And selfishly I hope he can be me.
I just had a wakeup call (call),
Wishing that I never let you fall (fall),
12:20. He took seven minutes. We reach the airport. I shove the $20 into his hand and rush out of the car. Gods this place is so big. I follow the signs leading to "JAL." There are so many things I want—no need—to tell her. I pause and look around, trying to a catch a glimpse of her, of anyone. Ah! I see Yuugi, with his tri-colored hair, so much like mine. I run, as fast as I can, not caring who I push out of the way. 12:22. As I get closer, I distinguish Jounouchi's dirty blonde hair, Honda's pointy brown hair… And then I see her. Anzu. She is laughing, her luscious lips pulled into a smile. She shakes her head and her brown hair moves silkily above her shoulders. I am walking now, my stomach is in knots. As I approach the group, her bright oceanic eyes meet mine. I see them widen in surprise. I avert my gaze because I know I can get in those cerulean orbs forever.
"Atemu," she murmurs.
"Anzu, I," I pause, trying to find the right words, "I have to tell you something. Please, here me out."
Baby you are not to blame at all.
When I'm the one that pushed you away
"I'm sorry. You needed me and I abandoned you. You sought my support and I gave you the cold shoulder instead."
Baby if you knew I cared (cared),
You'd have never went nowhere (nowhere),
"I… didn't mean want us to end. Not like that. I only ended our relationship because I didn't want it to affect your decision. I was really happy for you, Anzu, when you got accepted into Julliard. I still am."
Girl I should've been right there.
"But I made a mistake. I shouldn't have pushed you away. I should have taken advantage of the time we had left. Anzu," I step closer to her, "please forgive me. My place was always beside you."
"Oh, Atemu," she sobs my name. "I wish I could take it all back! I wish I could have stopped you that day from walking away… I've missed you this whole time…"
I couldn't take it any longer. I pulled her towards me into a tight embrace, burying my face into the crook of her neck. I know I'm being selfish, I know I'm breaking her heart by doing this. I don't want her to have any regrets. God, it takes all I have to not ask her to stay with me.
"Anzu," I whisper against her neck.
(And I wonder...)
How do I breathe
Without you here by my side?
"You are my light. You always will be. You have always been there beside me, guiding me. You have no idea of how much I need you."
How will I see
When your love brought me to the light?
"I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you. You've taught me so much. You gave me meaning to my life."
Where do I go
When your heart's where I lay my head?
"My life will be difficult without you," I pull away from her so that we're face to face. "But I need you to promise me one thing."
She strokes my cheek, wiping away the tears I didn't even know I was shedding. "Anything, Atemu."
When you're not with me (I'm saying),
How do I breathe?
How do I breathe?
I struggle to get the words out of my mouth. "Promise me you'll keep smiling. My heart will grow cold without you. If I know you are happy, then that should be enough for me to keep my heart alive. Live your life to the fullest, Anzu."
I can't get over you, no
Baby I don't wanna let go, no
She looks long and hard at me, and I can see her struggling for words. I smile at her and am about to say something but she does something totally unexpected.
She kisses me.
As I return her kiss, I know that I will never get over her. With this kiss, she has permanently engraved herself upon my heart.
Girl you need to come home
Girl come back to me
"Don't forget me, Anzu," I mumble against her lips.|
"I never will," she replies. I feel her lips turn up into a smile. "I love you. I always have. I gave you my heart a long time ago, from the moment I heard your voice."
'Cause girl you made it hard to breathe
When you're not with me.
"And I will never forget you," I reply. "How can I, when everything in this city reminds me of you?"
(Tell me)
How do I breathe
Without you here by my side?
"I'll return to you, Atemu," she says. "Besides, this will give you a good opportunity to learn how to use the telephone."
I grin. "I'll learn anything if it means I can hear your voice."
How will I see
When your love brought me to the light?
"Flight 149, now boarding. Please have your boarding passes out."
"I guess that means I have to go," she says, tears falling from her eyes.
I kiss them away. "Come now. You promised me you would smile. I want the last image of you to be happy."
She wipes her eyes on her sleep and smiles. "Wish me luck, everyone."
Where do I go (where do I, where do I go)
When your heart's where I lay my head?
I try my best to smile but I don't know if it works. How can I smile when my heart is breaking?
"Good luck, my love," I manage to say.
I'm too entranced by her to hear what the others are saying. I see her give her pass to the flight attendant. I realize there's something I have yet to say.
When you're not with me,
How do I breathe?
"Anzu!" I call. She turns around, her eyes gazing upon my own. "I love you."
She warmly smiles at me. "I love you, too."
I'll update "Change of Heart" soon. It's just that this has been bugging me for days. Thanks for reading!