No Peas, Please
"Come and get it! Come and get it!" Pyro shouted while banging on a large saucepan lid with a metal serving spoon.
"Pyro, knock it off. We're right here," Remy winced as he and Piotr sat at the kitchen counter.
"Yes. There is no reason to make so much noise," Piotr agreed uncovering his ears.
"It's all part of the presentation," Pyro smiled before revealing a huge ceramic bowl filled with bite-sized cubes, wedges and slices of various colors. "Ta da!"
"What is that?" Remy asked.
"Roasted root vegetables lightly coated with rosemary and olive oil," Pyro said scooping out a large portion onto some plates. "I personally roasted them myself."
"Okay," Remy blinked. "But why are we having this?"
"Because they're part of that huge haul we just lugged back from the farmer's market and I wanted to fix them while they're all nice and fresh," Pyro explained handing him a plate. "Oh, don't look at me like that. Lots of people enjoy having roasted vegetables."
"Yeah, but for lunch?" Remy looked at his plate.
"Why not?" Piotr had opened up a loaf of whole grain bread and sliced off a large piece for each of them. "My family used to eat like this all the time. It is much better than the grease and fat soaked things many people have for lunch."
"And it tastes good too," Pyro chirped taking a seat.
"If you say so," Remy shrugged and tentatively took a bite. "Mmmm! These are good."
"Told ya," Pyro smiled and began digging into his food.
"Outta my way blockheads," Sabertooth growled as he entered the kitchen and clipped the back of Pyro's stool. "Yuck, what's that smell?"
"Roasted root vegetables," Piotr said.
"Huh?" Sabertooth grunted.
"Root vegetables," Pyro said repositioning his stool. "You know: parsnips, sweet potatoes, carrots, yams, rutabagas…"
"Yeach. That's disgusting," Sabertooth snorted and opened the refrigerator. "Hey, what's all this garbage doing in here?"
"What garbage?" Remy asked.
"This!" Sabertooth tossed several bunches of leaves onto the floor.
"Hey, watch it!" Pyro snapped. "That's our entire supply of basil and collard greens!"
"Yours, not mine," Sabertooth snapped reaching in and pulling out a large package wrapped in butcher paper. He shut the refrigerator and tore open the package. "Ah, that's more like it."
"Oh no you don't! Those steaks are for our dinner! They're prime cut, grass-fed top sirloin filets!" Pyro shouted.
"Good!" Sabertooth bit into a steak and ripped off a large chunk. "Oh yeah, nice and raw. Kinda cold though."
"No! Our steaks. Our beautiful steaks," Pyro groaned as he mournfully watched the steaks disappear.
"You should not have done that. That steak was meant for us all," Piotr frowned.
"Tough!" Sabertooth snapped, blood dripping from his claws.
"Can you please not eat like that," Remy grimaced as Sabertooth continued to devour the raw steaks with his bare hands. "Or at least do it with your mouth closed?"
"Ha! You fools are so soft! Can't even watch how a real man eats, much less eat like one yourselves," Sabertooth spat as he finished off the last remains of the steak. He licked the leftover juices from his fingers. "Hmmm, not bad for a snack."
"Snack?" Piotr gaped at him. "That was over four pounds of meat!"
"Really? Didn't seem like it," Sabertooth belched. "Have fun eating dirt covered roots ya rabbits." Sabertooth laughed and walked off.
"Man, that was disgusting," Remy spat at the blood soaked mess Sabertooth had left behind. "I'll never get over the way that guy eats."
"I can not believe he would just eat food reserved for all of us," Piotr shook his head.
"Believe it," Remy grumbled.
"And he ruined the basil," Pyro had picked up the bunches of leaves Sabertooth had thrown on the floor. "That big oaf stepped on it when he left. The heathen!"
"What about the greens?" Piotr asked.
"They're okay. Some stems are cracked, but we wouldn't eat those anyway," Pyro said. "But the basil…"
"Well what do you expect? The guy called it garbage right before polishing off a pile of raw steaks," Remy pointed out. "He obviously isn't a vegetable fan."
"No, ya think?" Pyro snapped.
"You know, I can not recall ever seeing Sabertooth eat a vegetable before," Piotr noted thoughtfully. "At least one that had not been deep fried in oil first."
"Yeah, come to think of it neither have I," Remy rubbed his chin.
"Huh, from the way he acted you'd think he was afraid to eat them or something," Pyro said.
The Acolytes all paused and looked at each other for a minute. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Remy asked.
"Oh yeah," Pyro grinned. "I think it's time Sabes learned how to eat his vegetables and show them proper respect."
"Not to mention some manners," Piotr added.
"And I know just how to do it," Remy smirked evilly. "This is gonna be good."
Two hours later…
Sabertooth was lying down in his room enjoying a short nap when he was suddenly awakened by a loud knock on the door.
"Hmmmbbb?" Sabertooth mumbled sleepily.
"Hey Sabes! Mags wants to see you in the Control Room!" Pyro was heard shouting.
"Alright! Shut up and go away!" Sabertooth growled as he slowly got up and let out a huge yawn. He eventually plodded out of his room while absently rubbing his eye. "Grrr, stupid Firebug. Wonder what the boss wants this time?"
"Ready…NOW!" Remy's yell took him by surprise.
"What the…aaahhhhhh!" Sabertooth gasped as he suddenly found himself set upon by his teammates wielding rope and duct tape. He tried to put up a fight, but was caught completely unprepared and was quickly subdued.
"There, all done," Pyro laughed as Sabertooth lay bound and tied before them.
"Great! Now forward, march!" Remy smirked and lead the way.
"Let me go you lunatics!" Sabertooth snarled as Piotr picked him up and carried him off. "When I get out of here you're all dead! Dead you hear me!"
"Hup, two, three, four. Hup, two, three, four. And…halt!" Remy stopped as they entered the dining room. "Okay, set him up."
"Gahhhhhh!" Sabertooth shouted as Piotr and Pyro bound him tightly to a sturdy metal chair. "What are you idiots doing? Let me outta here!"
"Not so fast Sabes," Remy looked at him. "We feel it's time you learned a valuable life lesson. A skill every person needs to know."
"Huh?" Sabertooth stopped shouting and noticed the dozen or so covered bowls and platters crowding the tabletop. "What lesson?"
"How to eat vegetables," Remy grinned and lifted the lid off a bowl.
"What? Are you kidding?" Sabertooth stared at the cut up bits of cauliflower sitting inside. "No way am I gonna eat that!"
"Come on Sabes. You gotta learn sometime," Pyro said. "We fixed all this stuff especially for you."
"We lightly steamed or brazed most of them so to keep in the flavors," Piotr added. "And to prevent too much nutrient loss."
"Open wide Sabes. It's veggie time!" Remy smirked.
"No," Sabertooth gulped and tried to break free. "No! You can't do this to me!"
"What's the matter Sabes? You ain't lachanophobic are ya?" Pyro picked up a fork and speared a few pieces of cauliflower. He brought the fork in front of Sabertooth's mouth. "Open up. Here comes the choo-choo train!"
"Get that away from me!" Sabertooth turned his head away.
"Hold his head," Remy indicated to Piotr.
"No! Stop! I don't wanna! I don't wanna…ulppp!" Sabertooth choked as Pyro successfully shoved the cauliflower into his mouth.
"Look out! Make sure he doesn't spit it out!" Remy warned as Piotr did his best to hold Sabertooth's jaw shut.
"MMMMMMPPPHHH!" Sabertooth thrashed around desperately but was eventually forced to swallow. "Gaaahhhhhh! That was disgusting!"
"Oh, suck it up you big baby," Remy scoffed. "Geeze, you'd think we just fed you rat poison or something."
"No, it was worse…aaauuulllppp!" Sabertooth gagged as he was fed more cauliflower.
"That's it Sabes. Chew, chew, chew!" Pyro encouraged happily.
"Aaarrrggghhh! No more! Please no more!" Sabertooth begged.
"Are you kidding? We've only just begun," Pyro grinned revealing another bowl. "Here, have some dressing-free summer salad."
"UUURRGGG!" Sabertooth squirmed as he was unwillingly fed forkfuls of lettuce, tomatoes, cucumber and jicama.
"Now some broccoli," Remy grabbed some and shoved it into Sabertooth's mouth.
"GURRRK! NO! NOOOOOO!" Sabertooth screamed.
"And some radishes, and some zucchini," Pyro continued to open up platters.
"MMMRRRFFFFFF!" Sabertooth looked like a hoarding chipmunk as his cheeks bulged with food.
"And a few pieces of button squash," Pyro paused a moment to let Sabertooth catch up.
"You having any problems getting him to swallow?" Remy asked Piotr.
"No, it is very easy," Piotr said keeping a firm hold on Sabertooth's head. "Just like with many animals, massage the throat and the food will eventually go down."
"Ahhh," Remy nodded.
"Gaaaggghhh," Sabertooth moaned and greedily gulped for air. "Stop! No more! I can't take any more!"
"Don't worry Sabes, after a few weeks of eating like this you'll get used to it," Pyro chirped cheerfully. "Here, have some nice, lightly fried eggplant."
"WEEKS? NOOOOOO!" Sabertooth frantically tried to break loose but could not avoid the approaching vegetable. "HELP! SOMEBODY HELP ME!"
"Oh hush," Remy jammed the eggplant past Sabertooth's yielding teeth. "Keep this up and you won't get any beets."
"Beets?" Sabertooth nearly choked on the eggplant.
"Yep, beets. They're nature's candy don't ya know," Pyro grinned and nipped a few beets for himself. "Hmmm, where have I heard that before?"
"Who cares?" Remy opened another bowl. "Time for some pan-fried spinach."
"That?" Sabertooth gawked at what he thought was a moist lump of limp, green slime.
"Well, we would have brazed the collard greens, but we're saving 'em for ourselves," Remy shrugged and loaded up a fork. "Open up."
"NO! I WON'T EAT IT! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME…UGGGPPPPPP!" Sabertooth's eyes watered as the wet spinach was shoved into his mouth.
"Make you?" Remy grinned wickedly. "Sabes, you have no idea what we are capable of."
"And to follow that up, how about some perfectly done grilled asparagus," Pyro held up a large platter.
"NO! NOT THE ASPARAGUS! ANYTHING BUT THE ASPARAGUS…AAACCCKKK!" Sabertooth lashed around so wildly Piotr was having trouble keeping him still.
"Hold him down!" Remy shouted.
"I am trying!" Piotr nearly lost his grip on Sabertooth's head.
"Come on Sabes, you still gotta try this," Pyro whipped off a lid with a flourish. "A healthy mix of peas, brussels sprouts and lima beans!"
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Sabertooth screamed and with a strength born of desperation burst from his bonds. He threw Piotr aside and ran like mad for the open door. "LET ME OUTTA HERE!"
"He's making a break for it!" Pyro shouted.
"Get him!" Remy yelled as the Acolytes immediately gave chase.
Magneto was working in his private lab when he heard a bloodcurling scream from the hallway followed by several sounds of destruction. "Oh no," he groaned and set down the genetic sample he had been working on. "What are those fools doing now? They'd better not be playing with non-dairy creamer again," he grumbled and opened the lab door.
"AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH! GET AWAY FROM ME!" Sabertooth stumbled down the hallway knocking aside everything in his path. He was still somewhat entangled in torn pieces of rope and duct tape.
"THERE HE IS!" Remy, Pyro and Piotr appeared carrying bowls full of food as they stayed hot on Sabertooth's heels. "FEED HIM WITH THE LIMA BEANS!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Sabertooth screamed and took off with a desperate look in his eyes.
"COME BACK AND EAT YOUR VEGETABLES LIKE A MAN!" Pyro yelled as they ran after him.
"And I thought Sabertooth was the only non-vegetable I had working for me around here," Magneto groaned.
Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution. Pyro's comment about beets is from the cartoon "Doug".