Mine's bigger
Sakura had, as most would say if they were put in her situation, a brain freeze.
She tried to move.
She tried to get a grip of herself.
She tried to scream as loud as she could.
She tried to build protective walls around herself in order to shield herself from the catastrophe that threatened to ruin the almost perfect image she had of her other two teammates.
Too bad she couldn't do any of the actions typed above.
Of course, you may ask why.
'Why does Sakura have a brain freeze?' or 'Why can't Sakura move?' or 'Or why are you, Hybrid Fantasy, so damn uninspired and annoying and why are you making this read-not-so-funny-one-shot-fanfiction thingie so darn difficult?' and so on and so forth.
Ask as many questions as you like.
I like it when you guys (I wuw u btw {less than 3 3}) are having difficulty understanding my stupid and oh-so-not-comic rambling.
So that's why I'll end my rambling here. And start the fucking story already.
Long story short.
Sakura was shocked.
'Yeah, no shit, genius! Took you long enough to finally get it!'
That's my Inner.
She's a bitch.
She's Da Bitch.
She doesn't only hate everybody. She hates me, too.
I'm the number one written person on her Murder List. I've been lying there, insignificantly, on that well-hidden sheet of paper for quite some time.
Since I started talking shit actually. Must've been ages ago.
But neah, it's not the rambling. Hell no. It's not that. Can't be that.
'You sure?' Ms. I'm-too-good-4-u raises her eye-brow.
I really do want to continue arguing with her, I really do, trust me, but the sharp knife she's pointing at my neck with great threat makes me stop immediately.
Maybe she's right.
Maybe I should cut the bullshit.
Okay.
Let's try again.
Long story even shorter.
Sakura had just come back from her two-week-long solo A-ranked mission. She was tired, sweaty, bruised, hurt and content. The mission was a total unforgettable success even if it meant that more than half of her best clothes were torn from the numerous fights she had with enemy ninja from every imaginable place, her arms, legs and abs scarred with deep cuts, which, in time, would fade away.
But for now, she knew better than anyone, that her body needed immediate rest.
As she was exiting the Hokage's Tower, after many warming congratulations and worried looks, Sakura knew that nothing, and I mean nothing, could keep her away from her warm and cozy apartment and a very hot and well-earned shower.
'Shower?' she though doubtfully. 'Hell no, I'm taking a bubble bath.'
Secretly smiling, she started her evening walk towards her home, but with every stride taken, she felt even weaker.
But the bubble bath kept her going on, so that's why, the whole way, she daydreamed about it. Pink bubbles. Sweet smell. Rose-flavored candles. Taylor Swift playing in the background. Ah, the joy!
She started to sing 'But she wears high heels, I wear sneakers' just as she was passing cheerfully Ichiraku's. Ichiraku. Noodles. Ramen. Naruto. Hm. Naruto. Naruto. Naruto!
Oh no!
NARUTO!
She remember! The promise!
"How long will you be gone, Sakura-Chan?"
She could hear worry in his voice. That almost brought up a smile. 'Naruto…' she though tenderly.
"Not that long. Two to three weeks." She answered honestly.
"THREE WEEKS?" Naruto's high pitched voice echoed carelessly "THREE WEEKS? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND, SAKURA? SOLO MISSION AND A-RANKED? AND NOW THREE WEEKS?"
His statements started to piss her off.
"Well excuse me for earning Tsunade's trust and being more than just capable of finishing this mission without any help. I have proven myself before that I can handle almost any types of mission, and I will do it again!" she argued back.
His eyes showed concern mixed with anger and sadness. He wanted to say something in order to change her mind about the whole mission situation, but he knew that she had a better defense line for anything he would've thrown at her. He knew it was useless but he couldn't just stop, all of sudden, caring about her, and it was something she had to deal with, like it or not.
She saw the regret that predominated his features and added, softly "I'll be just fine Naruto. No need to worry. Thank you."
He smiled genuinely. He walked up to her hugging her tightly and lovingly.
"Just take of yourself, will ya? And be careful, okay, Sakura-Chan? Please." He pleaded taking the big-brother attitude once again.
"Don't worry, Naruto. I've been taking care of myself as well as your poor ass for as long as I can remember, no need to remind me."
They both grinned uncontrollably.
She broke the hug, straightening herself once again as she was about to jump towards the trees lying in front of her. But she stopped again as he heard Naruto's hard-to-forget extremely high and annoying parental voice.
"Hey, Sakura-Chan, before you go, please, can you make me a promise?" his eyes begged childishly.
Sakura sighed unsure.
"Promise me, as soon as you get back to tell me? Like, y'know, the first thing you do, after reporting to Baa-Chan. Please let me know when you return."
Sakura could tell that in by doing so, Naruto would feel visibly better. She knew him well enough to know that. She smiled.
"Sure, Naruto. Promise, I will."
Damn, those annoying Naruto-promises!
And just as much as she hated this whole situation, Sakura being the lovely friend she was, knew that she just couldn't break a small, yet tiring promise like that to none other than her best friend.
So, muttering censored words young children should not hear, Sakura, with a pissed off expression plastered on her visible worn out face, headed towards Naruto's untidy, nasty, small, smelly, dirty, cockroach-filled with messy floors covered with expired milk and half-eaten ramen apartment. Oh the joy it brought her. The memories. The punches she applied to her loving friend.
'Maybe if I'm lucky, I can manage to delight him with my hard to forget hits. He's sure to miss them.' She grinned knowing that she'd probably be too exhausted to do so. Not even if Naruto hired prostitutes, listened to The Beach Boys or had a pajama party with Lady GaGa and Adam Lambert. Well… second though. Maybe she would. If the situation were like that.
But truth to be told, Sakura wished she would've heard 'Kokomo' echoing through the speakers. This was beyond imaginable thought of pure terror and shock and despair.
She didn't even dare to open the door. She barely dared to listen, both her hands covering her mouth in order to stop herself from puking.
The situation was that bad.
"Oh, c'mon, teme, you're too gay to say it aloud! Let's just admit it, mine's way bigger than yours!"
"Watch it, dobe! And I don't think we're here to judge my sexuality considering that I'm not the one who downloaded season 7 from Grey's Anatomy under the pretext of 'I can't wait for it to role on TV'."
"First of all, Grey's Anatomy is not gay, it's just sensitive." *sniff* "Second, you're just bringing this up because your ego's too big to admit that, indeed, mine's bigger."
"Ha. Don't fool me, baaka. We both know who has this in the back. I mean, just look at mine! It's huge! Like, 13 inch or something while yours like, 10, the most."
"Yeah, well who cares! Fuck you! I don't care!" *sobsniffsob* "But at least mine's thicker!"
"So what, thickness doesn't matter, it's the size that matters!"
"The hell! Thickness's what everybody's looking for!"
"Are you kidding me? I'm so winning this! Size's what counts. Nobody's gonna give a shit about your good-for-nothing-thickness!"
"Thickness or no thickness, Teme, I'm kicking your ass today no matter what!"
"Dream on, dobe, you'll stumble and fall before reaching me!"
"Eat shit, Sasuke."
Please insert fighting noises. Then add a broken vase. And then a short scream. Followed by a victorious laugh.
"Eat my shit, eat my shit!"
"Get off of me, dobe! Your blondness is defying stupid!"
"And your arrogance is defying gayness! Why won't you just admit it, for once, that I've finally beaten you at something?"
"Because, my dumb, blonde and gay so-called friend, you haven't. You've forgotten the heads."
"Excuse me?"
"The heads. Mine's head is sharper, giving it an extra-long size."
"I so give a damn! Mine's head's shinier and thicker and larger!"
"Mine's head is larger!"
"Nu-uh!"
"Say that again? I mean, look at them, yeah right, and compare them! See? Mine looks way better than yours! In every possible way!"
"That's what you think!"
"Be prepared, dobe, to loose again, in front of me!"
Sakura couldn't take no more.
She could still their voices, but she no longer comprehended what they were saying.
She wanted to puke badly but she managed to keep it to herself as she got up and started walking shaking towards her long-waited home.
She tried to forget what had just happened, but it was in vain.
She knew, better than anyone, that she will not be capable, any longer, of showing any form of respect towards both Naruto and Sasuke.
She didn't want to remember the conversation, but it was eating her inside out.
'They were measuring their dicks. Hard time. Like really, measuring dicks. So this is what happens when I'm not around.'
She got home with great difficulty. After bumping into several people (who shot venomous death glares at her for not watching where she was going), stumbling into even more holes (Umh… yeah, let's pretend Konoha's full of holes. Y'know, from the last battle. Eh. Pain. That jerk. Erh) and almost fainting in the middle of the street, she opened her front door and fell uncontrollably on her red leather sofa where she spent, hysterically , the whole night.
"So, Sasuke, what d'you say? Are we ready to go? The contest starts in like, 20 minutes." Naruto asked eyeing the old clock hanged up on the cracked wall.
Sasuke mumbled a 'hn' meaning yes as they both grabbed their own miniature humans made out of spitballs.
On their way to Chouji's home, where the contest took place, Naruto and Sasuke had the same worn out conversation.
"Dammit, Sasuke, stop being such a pussy and admit that my spitball human is bigger than yours!"
"It's not! And even if it were, mine's head is still sharper!"
And the conversation went on and on and on.
Even in Hinata's dreams.
Who fainted.
And had to spend the night at the hospital.
Because, she, Hyuga Hinata, had gotten lucky just the same way Sakura did.
She just happened to be knocking on Kiba's door when she overheard her teammates.
"I'm telling you, Shino, I'm so winning this competition! Not only is mine bigger than yours, but I'm so kicking Naruto's and Sasuke's ass on the way!"
"As if, Kiba. Mine's still huger than yours!"
"Mine's head's longer!"
"Mine's head spikier!"
Ah, the joy of being competitive in a boyish contest of miniature humans made of spitballs.