Ekstazy
By Natasha Shaitanova
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. I likewise don't own any recognizable real-life figures in this story. They are owned by their respective labels.
Quickie A/N: Welcome to my latest parody! I have no idea how this is going to turn out yet, since this is a spur of the moment kind of thing. With no concrete plot in mind, it'll be an adventure for all of us!
Essentially, what you are looking at is a crack Harry Potter play, starring Girly!Harry, Lavignesque!Hermione, Rapper!Draco, Lovey!Blaise, and Lopez!Ginny. Enjoy!
Act 1
Scene 1
The curtain opens to show the Gryffindor boy's bathroom. A wall of mirrors can be seen on the right, above the sinks. The other half of the restroom, with the stalls and various other bathroom paraphernalia, will be studiously ignored.
In front of the mirrors, Harry Potter is battling with his hair with utmost concentration.
Enter Hermione Granger, in an anxious rush.
Hermione: Harry, girlfriend, it's a catastrophe! I can't believe I— (pause) You dirty thief!
Harry: Hermione, you of all people should know that drastic circumstances call for drastic measures. Concepts of morality should never prevent one from looking fabulous!
Harry turns back to the mirror and adds a finishing spritz of hairspray to his wild hair.
Hermione (put-out): And what is important enough for you to dare steal my hair straightener? (pause) Or to put on your full interview-makeup?
Harry: Hermione, darling, I happen to have a hastily arranged rendezvous in that sweet little tea-shop down in Hogsmeade. I've been waiting for this for months!
Hermione: But you just said it was hastily arranged! I sense a fallacy…
Harry (dreamily): He was simply too shy to ask before, so I was waiting for him to muster up his courage! (sigh) Now pass me the eyeliner, will you dear? I think I smudged that corner there…
Hermione busies herself with the retrieved hair straightener while waiting for Harry to finish painting his face. After ironing her locks for the fifth time and seeing Harry still not finished, she feels the need to interfere.
Hermione: Harry, let me fix that up for you and you can finish telling me all about your coming date.
Harry (horrified): Do you believe I'd dare let you touch my face? This face is insured for a good few thousand galleons to the Daily Prophet, sweetie! No, I refuse! One must always take care of the possessions dearest to them themselves.
Hermione: My apologies, I forgot! Let me make it up to you and pick out your outfit. You absolutely have to look your best and there is no excuse for an inappropriate accessory!
Harry: You are the best friend a girl can have, Hermione!
Hermione (mollified): You mean "guy", darling. Now go back to your make-up! You haven't even touched the lip-gloss yet, have you?
Harry: Oh dear God and all things sacred, you are right!
Harry digs enthusiastically through the heavy box set on the counter, apparently in search of the elusive lip-gloss.
Hermione returns with her choice outfit. She presents Harry with shining silver pants, an oversized black turtleneck, and an ornament on a two-foot chain.
Hermione: At first I thought that this may be a bit extravagant for a first date, but then I decided that not at all! This is going to look very genteel indeed.
Harry: Hermione, as of this moment you are my official designer. Would you like me to call Skeeter to make the contract official?
Hermione: Oh, don't be silly, I couldn't possibly take a fee. Although if the fee is good, I couldn't possibly refuse!
Harry: Marvelous! But dear Hermione, does this necklace not look just like the one Ginny wore last Monday?
Hermione: It is the same, but she has no knowledge whatsoever.
Harry: I should feel shame since she is my second-best friend, but it will look so much more beautiful on me instead… (Tries on necklace and sags somewhat under the weight)
Hermione: That is exactly why I brought it! With this on, he won't be able to resist.
Harry: My sweet friend, my make-up is done and I am anxious. Let me change and we shall go down to the Great Hall to wait!
Scene 2
Ginny is standing in the hallway outside of the Great Hall, dressed in strappy stilettos, sparkling shorts, and a tight zip-up hoodie. She is leaning on the wall and tapping one foot against it.
Enter Hermione and Harry, arm in arm.
Harry: Ginny, what an unexpected and not altogether pleasant surprise!
Ginny: Harry, how entertaining to see you this morning! (To the side) And what could be more entertaining than witnessing such blatant fashion disaster?
Harry: I simply love your little shorts, dear, although they don't quite go with your figure. Their cut does suggest that they require to be filled in the back…
Ginny: Then I certainly would not suggest you acquire a pair, it would look quite tragic indeed.
Hermione (cheerily): So what brings you here, Ginny? Are you perhaps waiting for someone?
Ginny: Oh yes.
Hermione: For whom?
Ginny (perplexed): Good question. I am not sure.
Pause
Ginny: Harry, what a beautiful necklace! Although it looks oddly familiar…
Harry: Oh this old thing? I must have worn it before and forgotten.
Ginny: How strange! I could swear I wore it just last Monday.
Harry: No, no you must be mistaken. It has been in my trunk all along.
Ginny: Is that so, really? Because it truly seems like it has "G.W." carved onto the chain link, oh right here…
Ginny triumphantly points out the initials.
Harry: Oh these silly things? Yes, they just so happen to be the initials of that poor hippogriff in whose sad memory Hagrid gave me this necklace as a present.
Ginny: A hippogriff, really? But I do not recall Hagrid having a hippogriff with those precise initials.
Harry: Oh he did and his name was Ginervius Weaselentium, such a lovely little thing! Hagrid was so distraught when the poor thing ended up as Grawp's brunch…
Ginny: Oh such sad fate! (To the side) She thinks, I mean he thinks he is so smart, trying to confuse me with his wily story! But no, I sense deceit…
Hermione (cheerful): Let us not talk about such distressing matters. Harry, we must go have breakfast, I am simply craving some of those blueberry muffins!
Harry: Of course, Hermione, we shall go immediately! (To the side) Although she could really do without those muffins, I don't much feel like holding her hair back in half an hour…
Ginny (sullen): You two go on, I will stay here for my lookout.
Hermione: Bye, bye dear. (To Harry) It must be so hard, working from dawn to dusk!
Harry and Hermione enter the Great Hall as Ginny returns to her former position.
Scene 3
The Great Hall has a scattering of various students at each table and there is a general lull in conversation as Harry and Hermione enter.
Two figures rise from the Slytherin table and as they approach they are recognized to be Draco Malfoy and Blaise Zabini.
Hermione: Oh Harry look, your date approaches!
Harry (suddenly anxious): Hermione, quick, tell me – does the upper inner corner of my right eye look quite the same as the one on my left? Because I could swear I smudged it a little…
Hermione: No, no, it's very perfect.
Harry: Hermione, this is no laughing matter. It is either perfect or not. There is no such conception as "a little perfect" or "very perfect" in our business!
Hermione: Yes, that was a scandalous thing to say. Let me correct myself – it is perfect.
Harry (sighing): Simply perfect?
Hermione: Absolutely.
Harry: Wonderful!
Draco and Blaise reach the chatting pair. Blaise is holding a bouquet of roses which Draco is attempting to grab away. Their argument can finally be heard.
Draco: Blaise, give those back this instant! You are giving the wrong impression.
Blaise: There is no better impression than a man unopposed to romance!
Draco: Only in the circumstance that it is the proper man doing the romancing—
Blaise shoved Draco aside and ran up to Harry and Hermione.
Hermione: Oh Harry, this is marvelous! I see you finally succumbed to his affections?
Harry: How unexpected! I was certain my date would look significantly blonder…
Blaise: My darling, I present you with these flowers, knowing that their beauty is struck dead in light of yours…
Hermione: How sweet and touching! One could not wish for a more proper way to begin the courtship ritual.
Draco (from behind Blaise's shoulder): I believe there is a misconception at hand!
Draco attempts to jump around Blaise, but trips on his oversized pants. Quickly getting up, he readjusts his hat and makes another grab for the bouquet of roses.
Hermione: Blaise, I always knew you would get through to him. For some unexplained reason, he has always been obsessing over Malfoy, but I kept telling him that an abusive relationship just would not be healthy! Honestly, I don't believe he ever listened…
Harry (brightening at the sight of Draco and fixing up his bangs): He is not at all abusive, Hermione, it's all talk. Men never mean a word they say – you should never pay them any attention when they are speaking.
Draco: Come here, woman!
Harry (giggling): See? He is just lacking affection, the poor thing.
Harry allows Draco to sling an arm around his waist, turning away and blushing when the latter attempts a kiss.
Draco (pulling up his pants): Let's go, boo.
The couple begins to walk away.
Hermione: Wait just one second!
Draco: Wot.
Hermione (shaking a finger): You better bring him back by 9 o'clock sharp, mister! I'll be checking.
Harry (whining): Hermione!
Hermione: No 'but's, young lady!
Draco: Wateva. Let's go, woman.
Couple leaves Great Hall. Blaise throws down the bouquet and leaves in the opposite direction with a dejected wail.
Hermione bends down and pulls out a rose out of the bouquet, fixing it behind her ear.
Fin Act 1.
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A/N: So…reactions? Comments? Complaints? Miscellaneous?
I would love to hear your suggestions on how this should progress)))
Want more rapper!Draco? Review, homies!
-Shaity out.