Dean stared into Castiel's eyes, and found all the answers he needed. The cerulean eyes were an ocean of tears, filling to the brim, but not falling. They screamed all the hurt Castiel was feeling. He knew, as he looked into the eyes, that Castiel didn't feel good enough. That Castiel was sorry, so fucking sorry, for all the pain he's caused. The blue seemed so vivid with hurt. Castiel had always tried to be there, to be present and helpful, to be everything he needed. Castiel didn't want to admit he didn't have all the answers. He wanted to appear confident, strong. He didn't want to ask for help, or appear weak, or show any signs that he was losing his faith. And now, looking at the vivid blue, Dean could see all the mistakes Castiel had made; every choice and mistake and where he went wrong on the path towards righteousness. He knew that if Castiel could go back in time and change everything, he would.
And that send a tug-of-war inside Dean's heart and mind. He didn't understand why one simple man could irrevocably change him. No, not man—angel. He didn't understand how this ignorant, stoic, dead pan sense of humor baby in a freaking tan trenchcoat could just save him from Hell and make him laugh like he hadn't in years. He didn't understand this feeling that he got whenever Castiel was around. It was different than the warm feeling he got when he was around Sammy. Being around Castiel was more like…a myriad of confusing emotions. A roller coaster ride. He hated that those walls broke down when Castiel was around. He hated that it terrified him to disappoint the angel. And he hated that he'd let Castiel down so much.
Dean had been so lost this past year. He was a poster boy for self-loathing and alcoholism. He was real fucking messed up inside, and he knew it was Castiel's fault. Not his fault, entirely. It was his fault, too. For getting so close to an angel of the Lord and allowing Castiel into his circle of family—something he just doesn't do lightly. Because he was Dean Winchester, a hunter, and hunter do not have a personal life. That was the golden rule of the lifestyle, right? And yet, time and time again he decided to let someone in just a little bit and ended up hurting himself in the end. And even though those people inevitably hurt him, it was his fault for thinking he could have some normal, apple pie kind of life to being with. So letting Castiel in, letting himself feel something, and then screwing it up when the angel needed him the most, that was all on him. That's why he drank. That's why he hated himself. That's why he just wanted to disappear. And would, if it weren't for the fact he had to get up every morning for the people around him, and for the ones who would never know how much he does to save planet Earth on a daily basis. So even though he felt dead inside for all the mistakes he had made, and all the things he did to push Castiel towards the things he did, he still lived on.
But now, looking at how lost Castiel was, how vulnerable and sad the angel was, how utterly defeated he had become, it made Dean want to take everything back. It made him want to forget Castiel had swallowed souls, tried to be God, went behind Dean's back, opened Purgatory, and let out the Leviathans. He missed his best friend. He wanted him back. Castiel might be a nerdy little dude with wings, but hey, that's what Dean liked about him. He'd grown used to the angel's quirks. And he just plain missed the guy being in his life.
"Dean," Castiel whispered, and Dean hitched in his breath, scared of what was going to happen next. "Why do you blame yourself?" he asked. "The choices I made were my own. I am sorry you feel responsible. You should not feel so broken. You are so much a hero. You do not give yourself enough credit."
Dean gave out a harsh, bitter laugh. "Okay, Cas. Since you know everything. Then tell me why I'm alone, huh? Tell me why all this bad crap happens to me. My mom burned to death on a ceiling, my dad went to Hell for me, I can't protect Sammy, people I love keep dying, and I screwed everything up with Lisa. If none of this is my fault, when why do I have to be the one who has to be the hero? Why can't someone else take over and let me live my damn life?"
"Because the world knows you can handle the 'bad crap', Dean. You are strong."
"No, I used to be strong. Before Hell, man, I was a ball of sunshine. I had all my shit together. I was as happy as I could be, for a hunter. I was on a road trip with my little brother, killing evil monsters. I felt like I was doing something good, something right. But after Hell…I don't know, man, everything changed. I became this weak…thing."
Castiel placed a hand on Dean's shoulder, and Dean fought the urge to back away out of the touch. He didn't like the way it made him feel. "I have always believed in you, Dean. Isn't that enough?"
Dean's head cocked to the side. What did he mean?
"Everything I have done since coming to Earth, has all been for you, Dean. Everything. I have always taken your side, always believed you would do the right thing. I always defended you when all of Heaven thought you were lost to our cause. I wish I would have made you see how much you meant to me. I am sorry I hurt you."
Dean swallowed, unable to form a response to Castiel's apology. He wanted to forgive him. Damn it, he really did, but he couldn't. The slate couldn't ever be clean between them. He just didn't want to get hurt like this again. He didn't know what it was about Castiel that did this to him, but he didn't want to get his hopes up over someone who might hurt him again like he had once. He didn't think he could handle it if Castiel betrayed him once again.
The angel nodded his head, and looked down at the ground so Dean wouldn't see how disappointed and hurt his expression was. But Dean already knew how Castiel was feeling, because he knew every inch of the angel's habits and body language, without even meaning to. He hated that he had to hurt Castiel this way, but he just couldn't lay his heart out on the line like that again. Not even for Castiel.
Dean cleared his throat. "I, uh, I guess we should find our way out of Purgatory, huh? Got any brilliant ideas, angel boy?"
Castiel side-smirked at the nickname. Angel boy. He supposed he was, even though he had told Dean time and time again angels had no true gender. He was only a male because of the vessel he'd chosen, and the only reason Dean had shunned the attraction between them. He knew Dean was not, to put it in human terms, homosexual, but he never stopped hoping that he could be the one exception to Dean's rule. Even so, he would never give up hope with Dean. He would always believe in the hunter, even when the hunter did not believe in him.
"Yes, Dean, we should find a way out. And then we can go back to our separate lives."
Castiel turned around and started to walk away from Dean, who followed suit behind him. After walking for a while, he heard, very softly, Dean's voice from behind him say, "I'm sorry, Cas. Maybe someday we can be friends again."
The word friends stopped Castiel in his tracks. That's all he and Dean would ever be, despite his wish to be more. Friends. As much as he felt for Dean, he would just have to accept the fact that Dean did not feel the same way about him at all. He never would. And there was nothing Castiel or anyone else could do about that fact but accept it and try to move on with his life—what little of it he had left.
"I understand," he told Dean in a flat, emotionless voice, and continued on his path. He would find them away out of Purgatory. He would clean up the mess he made, and then he would try his hardest to give Dean the normal life he had always wanted. And maybe one day things would be better for himself. But as long as he made Dean happy…that's all the angel could ever ask for. For once, he was going to be the unsung hero. He would try his hardest no matter what. Because Dean would always mean the world to him, whether he could deal with that or not. And not being in Dean's life was not going to stop him from his mission to make Dean happy again.
Castiel was going to do whatever it took to make things right again.