Choices
Cute As... 8/8
It was arranged that they would make their trip through the gate in three weeks, giving the Daedalus time to get back to Earth and spend their usual week loading supplies and personnel for the return journey. Sheppard and McKay's seven days on Earth were cut to five when a last minute mission delayed them in Atlantis for a further two days.
When they finally did walk through the stargate into SGC Command Rodney's bruises had healed and been replaced with a whole new crop.
The SGC was pretty much as Sheppard remembered it, except for the people who stared as they walked past. It would have been nice to think the staring was down to the Atlantis insignia they wore proudly on their arms, but the odds were it was because McKay's arms were so much smaller and lower down than they used to be. Also - attached to a girl now.
"They needed my expertise," he said to Lt. Col. Samantha Carter, showing off his sling and bandaged hand, in addition to his extremely unconvincing modest expression.
Carter was suitably impressed, but it was the fascinated expression she got on her face every time she gazed at McKay that was setting Sheppard's teeth on edge. And Rodney wasn't helping with his looks of deep admiration and a hint of his old crush still shining through.
Which just went to show, Sheppard thought to himself, that most of Rodney's original attraction to Carter had been cerebral. Well, if not most than at least some surviving remnants of it. Because Rodney would admit openly (and a little sadly) that he was completely straight as a girl, so there couldn't be any lingering physical attraction.
Or at least that's what Sheppard assured himself of as they endured the physical and then sat through the briefing. He tried adding as many intelligent and helpful comments as he could fit in, while Rodney bragged about the new defense satellite he (the astrophysics team) had found and that he (and Zelenka and Steinberg) had reprogrammed to head back to Atlantis.
"Should be entering our solar system just as the Daedalus is bringing us home," he said smugly, and attempted his modest look as everyone looked impressed.
Over lunch in the mess hall Carter poked at her salad and didn't attempt to hide her fascination again.
"I'm sorry," she said as McKay wound down from one of his long winded and self aggrandizing diatribes. "But I have to say, Rodney, I'm impressed."
"Of course you are," Rodney said automatically. "The satellite might not have the capabilities of the defense platform that was unfortunately destroyed in the Wraith siege of Atlantis, but all the same it will be a formidable addition to our armory."
"Yes, it will," Carter agreed. "But that's not what I was talking about. I was talking about you, Rodney. And how well you're handling all... this." She gestured at him in amazement.
"Oh, that," Rodney dismissed. "Well, obviously it was huge adjustment, but strength of character will out in the end, as I always say."
"He does always say that," Sheppard interjected.
"Because it's always true," Rodney shot back.
"I can't even begin to imagine what you must be going through," Carter said, ignoring the byplay as if she was used to it. "And this comes from someone who has seen and experienced some pretty weird stuff over the last decade or so."
"To say the least," Sheppard agreed, because he'd read a bunch of SG1 mission reports and weird didn't even begin to cover it.
"Oh, well," McKay said, shrugging and looking a little uncomfortable. "What's done is done, as they say. Better to move on than get stuck in the past."
"Every cloud has a silver lining," Sheppard said helpfully and Rodney rolled his eyes as expected, but his look of discomfort faded away pretty quickly when they started talking about the newest Asgard inspired starships. This successfully distracted Carter and actually interested Sheppard as well.
"Can I have a few words, Rodney?" Carter asked when lunch was over.
"But we were going to try out the flight simulators on the X Series," Rodney said.
"I'll got ahead and try 'em out for us both," Sheppard offered generously.
"But-"
"I have something I want to show you," Carter coaxed and Rodney looked torn.
"By 'shown', do you mean something you need my help with?" he said, half suspicious and half hopeful.
Carter suppressed a smile. "I could use your input, McKay."
Rodney smiled widely. "Why didn't you just say so," he said magnanimously. "There's no shame in asking for help, Sam, especially from me." He nodded to Sheppard. "You go play with your simulator, while I go help Colonel Carter."
"Yes, dear," John said under his breath, but he chuckled as Carter rolled her eyes and followed him down the hall. It was a measure of how far he was gone that Rodney's smug attitude didn't make him want to take the man down a peg or two. He knew how nervous McKay had been about the trip. He'd also spent hours a few nights ago sitting with him in the infirmary while his hand and arm were treated for burns sustained while reprogramming a ten thousand year old satellite to travel to Atlantis to defend the city.
Sheppard could admit t hat Rodney had earned some bragging.
Then he realized he was standing in the hallway of the SGC with a dopey smile on his face so he hurried off to play with his toys.
888
The simulator for the X Series was everything it had been promised, and Sheppard tried a take-off and landing before taking it through a few standard moves. He chatted with the engineers afterwards and got sucked into an hour long discussion about some of its weak points, which led to another hour's discussion, some yelling and then another go in the simulator after it had been tweaked.
"Don't tell my girlfriend, but that was almost better than sex," he told the engineer who snorted and then eyed him speculatively as if wondering what sort of girlfriend the CO of a base in another galaxy scored.
If he only knew, Sheppard thought, climbing down and slapping the side of the simulator appreciatively.
"I'll take six, please. Do they come in red?"
888
Riding down to the science level in the elevator, Sheppard pondered the problem of Carter again, wondering what she really thought of McKay now. For the first time he also began wondering just what exactly she had thought of him before. He'd always dismissed Rodney's claims of an unspoken attraction between them as pie in the sky dreaming, but for the first time it occurred to him that maybe there had been something there after all. Given time, and Rodney not turning into a girl, would something have developed between Rodney and Carter?
The doors opened to the science floor and John stepped out, nodding to an airman who was gazing at his Atlantis insignia and looking suitably impressed. A moment later Rodney flew around a corner, slamming into him and sending them both back a step in surprise.
"Rodney?" John caught at his arms, automatically steadying him, and then drew in a breath of shock at the sight of his flushed face and red eyes. He had never seen his friend look so distressed.
"What...? he began, but Rodney pulled away and sidled into the elevator as the doors closed. Before John could stop them, the doors had closed the Rodney was gone.
Still a little stunned, he stood for a moment, staring at the closed doors blankly.
"Is he gone?"
Carter had appeared at the end of the corridor and was gazing at him with a worried expression.
"What the hell did you say to him?" Sheppard demanded.
Carter sighed and rubbed wearily at her forehead. She stepped back and gestured behind her. "Please, come into my lab, Colonel Sheppard," she invited quietly.
Sheppard looked back over at the elevator.
"He can't go too far," Carter said. "He has no ID."
A part of him just wanted to ignore her, superior officer or not. The need to find Rodney and figure out what the hell had him so upset coiled inside him. But Carter was already disappearing back down the corridor and into her lab, and Sheppard understood that he needed to hear from her just exactly what had gone down. He pushed down his urgency and followed her.
"What did you say to him? I've never seen him so..." Sheppard shook his head, unable to put it into words.
"I don't understand it myself," Carter told him, and Sheppard could see the genuine confusion on her expressive face. "I expected... Well, I don't know what I expected. But not the reaction I got."
Sheppard crossed his arms, glancing around the cramped lab, as if something here could jump out and fill in all the blanks for him. "You said you had something to discuss with him," he said as patiently as he could manage. "What was it?"
Carter sighed and nodded. "You might as well know, especially as it seems as if I am going to have to enlist your help with this. I found a way for Rodney to switch back."
Sheppard stared at her, arms dropping back to his sides as his whole body went slack with shock. "What?"
"Ten years ago we found a device very similar to the one that switched Dr McKay's consciousness into his current body. As a matter of fact the alien who built it used it in an attempt to steal the body of a member of my team. He almost got away with it as well."
Groping for the stool behind him Sheppard sat before his legs could give out. He didn't know exactly what he'd been expecting to hear but this was so far from anything he had been thinking, so out of left field that his mind was having trouble keeping up.
"But his body's gone. Even with a device that works... He hasn't got a body to switch back into."
"That's the part I've had to spend the last year working on. I didn't want to tell Rodney any earlier and give him false hope if my negotiations didn't pan out."
"Negotiations?"
"With the Asgard. As you may be aware, the Asgard no longer reproduce sexually. They clone their bodies and-"
"You made a clone of Rodney?" Sheppard interrupted, because how the hell could they do that? Just clone a person without even asking him, and oh god, was that why Rodney had run out of here like that? The thought was horrifying.
"Not yet," Carter admitted. "But the Asgard have agreed that they will make one using DNA samples taken from Dr McKay prior to the Atlantis mission."
A tide of relief swept him. They hadn't done it, not yet at any rate. Horror set aside for a moment, all the implications set in, his sluggish shock giving away to a flood of realizations.
Rodney was going to turn back.
The impossible made possible.
Rodney was going to be himself again.
And John was going to lose him.
Sheppard braced himself against the cold hollow forming in his chest, straightening his spine and pushing himself to his feet. "When?"
"That's just it," Carter said, spreading her hands helplessly. "I don't know. He ran out of here."
Sheppard stared at her and Carter shook her head, bewilderment on her face.
"He just ran out."
888
Tracking down Rodney turned out to be surprisingly easy when their conversation was interrupted by a call from the motor pool. Sheppard rode the elevator up through the levels of the complex, still trying to take it all in. Rodney had been offered everything he'd wanted for the last year. And then he'd run away?
Rodney was standing toe to toe with a sergeant, who looked like he was going to cry in relief when he spotted Sheppard hurrying towards them. Rodney looked over his shoulder and rolled his eyes.
"Fine, great," he bit out. "Call in the cavalry. Coward."
"As you were, sergeant," Sheppard said, and the man beat a hasty retreat.
"Can you believe this?" Rodney demanded. "Top level clearance, smartest man in two galaxies, and that bozo wouldn't even give me a car!"
"He was just doing his job, McKay," Sheppard said, studying his friend worriedly. Rodney's cheeks were flushed as if he had been running and his eyes were red. He met Sheppard's gaze briefly and then looked away, hands clutching each other as if his busy fingers didn't know what to do with themselves without a datapad underneath them. "No ID remember?"
"How could I forget?" Rodney laughed bitterly, then rubbed wearily at his forehead. "So much for walking out in a huff."
"That's the SGC for you," Sheppard said. "No appreciation for the dramatic."
Rodney grimaced and then met his eyes for the first time. "I really need to get out of here for a while," he whispered and Sheppard nodded.
888
It only took a few minutes to get clearance from Carter for a vehicle and a few minutes after that they cleared security and headed down the mountain. With a shock of surprise Sheppard remembered it was winter, the newly ploughed snow was heaped along the edges of the road as they drove down the mountain.
They drove in silence for a long time, sweeping down the curves of the road, the occasional military vehicle passing them on its way to base. Rodney sat quietly next to him, head turned, gazing out at the snowy landscape.
Sheppard glanced at him, then turned back to the road. Oddly the silence didn't seem oppressive or uncomfortable, it was if they were both gathering their thoughts, absorbing the blow they'd been given.
That hollow feeling still ached in his chest, and part of it now was guilt.
Because John could admit to himself at least, that he hated this. He hated the fact that Carter had given Rodney this choice, hell, he was pretty close to hating Carter herself, and he'd never felt much of anything for her before other than a vague annoyance at how high Rodney had stuck her up on that pedestal.
Maybe if someone had told them there was a chance of this. Maybe if they'd been prepared for the slimmest possibility that Rodney could go back to being a man. Maybe if he had been prepared, John thought. Maybe he wouldn't have been so quick to invest everything in this new thing he and Rodney had going.
Maybe he wouldn't have let himself fall in love.
"So Sam comes bounding in with this big grin on her face," Rodney said suddenly, breaking the silence. "Handing me this idea like it was a gift wrapped in a red bow. It was kind of sweet actually."
John kept his eyes on the road.
Rodney snorted. "You know the first thing I asked her when she told me? Not whether it was safe, not even why the hell I was only just hearing about this now. The very first thing I asked her about was this body. What will happen to this body."
John absorbed this, a twist of revulsion in his belly at the thought.
"Should have seen her face," Rodney murmured. "She just didn't get it."
"What will happen to it?" John had to ask and was rewarded with a wry look.
"Pretty much what you're thinking," Rodney returned and John nodded, keeping his eyes fixed on the road ahead.
"You get it, right? Why the thought of this body being hollowed out and just tossed away like trash freaks me out just as much as when I lost my old body?"
Old body, John thought. What an odd way to put it. "Yeah," he muttered, because he did get it all too well.
"Can we stop?" Rodney asked, twisting in his seat. "I need to... Can we stop?"
John pulled the car over to the side of the road and shut the engine off, leaving only the dull hum of the heater warming the car's interior and the sound of the motor ticking over. Now the silence seemed even more daunting and John had to brace himself to look at Rodney, to meet his gaze. Because now that thought was in his head, that soon this body would be... Those eyes he'd gazed into, those hands he'd touched...
"What do you want me to do?" Rodney asked steadily and John drew back in shock, feeling the press of the door handle in his spine.
"No," he said automatically. "You can't ask me that, Rodney. This is... It has to be your choice." He broke off, staring into Rodney's eyes. "Are you really thinking about not doing it?" he asked, aware of the incredulous note in his voce but unable to suppress it. Because as freaked out as he was by this, as shocked as he was at this blind-siding him, the thought that Rodney might actually be considering not going back was... unbelievable.
"I think I am," Rodney said slowly. "I didn't have a choice last time, but this time I do."
"But last time," Sheppard said, groping for words. "It was you, losing your body, losing so much. This time..."
"What?" Rodney said. "You think this time I don't have as much to lose? You think this new life I've built isn't worth saving?" He drew in a deep, shaky breath. "You think we're not worth saving?"
John opened and closed his mouth because he did think they were worth saving, he thought what they had together was better and more than he had ever thought he'd have in his whole life. But he couldn't say that aloud, how he could he put that kind of pressure on Rodney? After all his friend had lost, after everything he had gone through, how could John ask him to give up his past for whatever future the two of them managed to build? How could he ask Rodney to give up being a man again, because John couldn't bear the thought of losing his lover?
He didn't know what Rodney read from his silence, but suddenly the car door was open and Rodney was swinging out, slamming it behind him. John pushed his own door open, bracing himself at the shock of the cold mountain air. He hurried around the car but he needn't have, Rodney had closed the door and was leaning against it, arms crossed against the cold, chin down as he stared at his booted feet.
"I'm sorry," John whispered, and a military vehicle swept up and slowed down, the sergeant driving taking in the pair of them at a glance.
"Okay, sir, ma'am?" he asked respectfully.
"Fine, thanks, sergeant," John said with a wave. "Carry on."
The soldier nodded and the car swept up the wet road, the rush of air making John shiver.
"Get in the car, Rodney. It's cold out here."
"You never answered my question," Rodney said, not lifting his head.
"I can't." Sheppard stepped closer, glad that Rodney didn't shrink away from him. He leaned against the side of the car, trying to shield Rodney from the worst of the biting wind. "This is your choice, Rodney. It's your life."
"It's yours too," Rodney said, glancing up at him, his eyes full of shadows. "You know if I go back, we'll lose... everything. Or do you really think we'll be able to stay friends after we've had this?"
A small hand reached out and John found himself clutching at it, cold fingers meeting and clinging. He tried to imagine it, having his friend back, going on missions, playing chess. Would Rodney still love him, when he became a man? Would it be better or worse if he did? Could love survive that transformation, and if so, what would they do with it?
"But to make a choice like this, based on love," John whispered. "It's crazy, Rodney, it's nuts."
"You think I don't know that? You're looking at the man who cut off his only sibling for four years, his baby sister, because she chose love over her career." He laughed harshly. "Boy, that's the definition of irony, isn't it? Maybe this is all some huge cosmic plan to get me to admit what an ass I was over all that. Because I never got it before, even after we made up, even after I could see that she was happy with her choice." Rodney shivered a little, his other hand taking John's and squeezing it.
"But I get it now," he said. "I get what my little sister was trying to tell me all those years ago. That all the acclaim, all the degrees, hell, all the Nobel prizes in the world don't mean a damn thing, if you're not happy."
John felt that sink in, wondering at all the things they'd never really talked about, all the things they'd left unsaid as they shared the last few months, shared their lives, their bodies. "Do I make you happy?" he asked, genuinely curious.
Rodney snorted. "Duh," he said, and shook his head, lips curving into a smile. "These last few months, I've been happier than I've ever been. In my whole life, John. My whole damn life."
"Me too," John admitted numbly.
"You never did answer my question."
"You called me John," Sheppard said, and he wasn't side-stepping the question, the realization had just sunk in. "You've never called me that before."
"I know," Rodney admitted. "I call you Sheppard, and you still say him and he. I think it's the way we've both been clinging to the past. Like, no matter how much our lives move forward, no matter how things change, that's the way the two of us keep that one foot back there. That toehold in the doorway. But now it's time to make a choice. To let go of the past... or take it back. John?" he said, hands holding his tightly. "Do you want me to go back?"
And there it was, that choice, laid out before them. Rodney could go back to the SGC and say yes, he'd get his old life back and no doubt adapt just as he had to this new one. He'd smile that crooked smile, his big, clever hands would dance over the keyboards and maybe, just maybe they could stay friends. It could work, John knew it could work.
But it wasn't what he wanted. God help him, god forgive him, because even for the sake of getting his friend back he didn't want to lose his lover. And maybe it was just shallow and selfish, not to want to give up the kissing and the closeness and that warmth to turn to in the night. Soft, strong arms gathering him close, the delight of his lover's touch all along the length of his body. The woman that he loved.
"No," he said, meeting Rodney's eyes, giving him this truth he'd asked for. "I'm sorry, Rodney. I don't want you to go back." His eyes were blurring, and Rodney just leaned forward and wrapped his arms around him, John's arms coming around his slim body and holding him tightly. "I'm sorry," he said brokenly, but Rodney was squeezing him, shushing him.
"It's okay," he was saying. "It's okay, John. I don't want to go back either. I just needed to hear you say it."
Wheels crunched by them on the frozen road and someone called from a passing truck. "Get a room!"
Rodney huffed a laugh and John buried his damp face in the curve of his shoulder, inhaling the scent of Rodney's hair, his skin, his breath.
"Let's get in the car," Rodney murmured. "It's cold out here."
888
The heater had kept the interior warm and they rubbed at their cold hands and faces as they thawed.
"We must be crazy," John said, teeth chattering as he held his hands to the vents, the warm air almost hurting as his fingers thawed.
"In what sense?" Rodney said, his lips almost blue.
"Pretty much every sense," John tossed back. "Are we really going to do this? Go back to the SGC and tell them no?"
"Why not?" Rodney said stubbornly. "My body, my choice."
"Yeah, but which body?" John lifted his knee onto the seat and twisted to face his lover.
"A year ago they told me that this was my body now. You were right there with them," Rodney reminded him. "Your old body's gone, Rodney. This is who you are now. Get used to it."
"We weren't quite as blunt as that," John protested.
"But you were right. At that point, with no other information to go on, you were right. I had to make this body my own or I'd have gone nuts."
John remembered that day in the jumper bay, Rodney sitting on the floor gazing at his hands. The wonder and heartbreak of that moment came back to him so clearly. Rodney mourning the loss of his body, left without any choice but to adapt. "If you'd been given this choice back then you'd have jumped at it."
"I'd have crawled on broken glass to get it," Rodney retorted. "I was a man who'd been stuffed into the body of a woman. I thought I was going to feel as lonely and disconnected as that my whole life."
"And now?"
"Now I'm a woman who used to be a man," Rodney answered, and then paused, looking struck. "Huh. I never thought of it that way before."
"Me either," John admitted. "You really mean that?"
"I guess I do," Rodney said, still sounding a little shell-shocked. "I guess maybe this isn't just about you and me and not wanting to lose that. Maybe it's about who I am now, and being okay with that."
"But you lost so much,. Rodney, when you changed before."
"I did," Rodney agreed somberly. "And I still feel that loss, every day. You know that."
John nodded, his throat tight.
"But I already lost those things. I buried them and I mourned them. If I were to go back now I'd just lose a whole lot more. I don't want to go through that again." Rodney shrugged, looking tired all of a sudden. "I don't want to ever go through that again."
"What if you change your mind later?" John had to ask.
"Well the SGC isn't going anywhere. And I doubt the Asgard are either. I suppose I could always change my mind later." He smiled. "But I can't see that happening."
"If you and I had never..." John said, that guilt still pretty strong inside him.
"I don't know," Rodney admitted. "Maybe all that I would have had to lose this time around wouldn't have stopped me, if I wasn't going to lose you as well." He slanted John a glance. "What's the matter, the responsibility too much for you?"
"Just a little," John said. "No pressure or anything."
"Maybe I'll let you take the blame," Rodney said thoughtfully. "When I explain this to Carter. If only Sheppard had kept it in his pants..."
"Hey!" John protested. "Who leapt on who?"
"After all," Rodney mused, ignoring this fact. "It's fairly obvious she went through all this trouble just to get me back. She's going to be pretty heart broken when she realizes that her dream for the two of us will never come true."
"You're rewriting history aren't you?" Sheppard accused. "Now I know you're a woman."
Rodney smirked. "Sexist pig," he said smugly.
She said smugly, John corrected in his mind.
That was going to take some getting used to.
888
"You have got to be kidding me. Tell me you're not serious."
Sheppard glanced at Rodney who had already pulled out a laptop and was absorbed in tapping away at the keyboard. Carter sighed impatiently and Sheppard attempted a smile and shrug. "I think he is," he said. "Uh, she is."
"But it doesn't make sense! I have been working for nearly a year to change him back, and now he doesn't want to? The hell?"
"I'm sure she appreciates all your hard work very much," John said and glanced over at Rodney. "Don't you, McKay?"
"Huh?" Rodney looked up. "Are you still talking about this? It's decided, forget it."
"But thank you, all your work is much appreciated," John said hurriedly, figuring he was probably going to be filling in these kinds of blanks for Rodney for years to come, and that he might as well start now.
Rodney blinked. "Oh, yes, thanks, Sam."
Carter just gazed at Rodney with her mouth open for a few seconds, then shook her head. "Look, I think I must have sprung this on you too quickly this morning. You obviously need time to think about it some more. You're here for a week, right?"
"Five days." "I'm not going to change my mind," John and Rodney spoke over each other.
Sheppard gave Rodney a meaningful frown. "We're going to Canada," Sheppard said smoothly. "To see Rodney's sister and her family."
"Or we will be, if I can actually get my new ID from Personnel," Rodney added.
"Which we understand you didn't think he was going to need," Sheppard interjected swiftly.
"Of course. I'm sure we can sort something out..." Carter still looked slightly dazed.
"I have it all organized," Rodney said with a beaming smile. She pulled the jump drive out of her laptop and handed it to Carter. "I figured it would be easier to just make me my own daughter, that way I can keep the same name and access my own money. It's all on here. We better wait for a while to announce my death, it's not as if most of the scientific community at large will know enough to go into deep mourning, seeing as how I've been working on classified projects for most of the last decade."
"Uh, right," Carter said, accepting the device. Sheppard also figured he had years of this ahead of him as well; seemingly intelligent and capable people reduced to nonplussed silence by Rodney and her bulldozer tactics.
"Not that I ever received the credit I deserved anyway. Oh, we'll be staying at the Plaza," Rodney said, sweeping up her laptop and bag. "Just get someone to send it all over when it's done, will you?"
"Maybe you better take this to Personnel yourself?" Carter suggested. "Make sure they get all the facts right."
Rodney frowned. "You know, you're right." She glanced at Sheppard but Carter laid a hand on her arm and smiled.
"I just need to have a few words with the Colonel, Rodney."
Rodney frowned suspiciously for a moment, then possibly remembered that Carter outranked Sheppard and just shrugged. "I'll see you at the motor pool."
Carter barely waited for Rodney to clear the door before turning on Sheppard.
"Okay, what the hell is going on? What did you say to him?"
"Me? He ran out of here after you talked to him. Ma'am."
Carter looked frustrated, running a hand through her hair. "Of all the reactions I expected, this wasn't even on the list. You don't think..." She grimaced. "You don't think he was harboring some secret desire to be a woman, do you? Before this all happened? Not that there would be anything wrong with that!" she added hastily.
Sheppard couldn't help smiling, although it was equal parts humor and incredulity. "I would have to answer no way to that one, ma'am. Look, we did talk, but honestly? I'm pretty sure Rodney made up his mind before he even left this room. Her mind," he corrected himself. "I will get used to that."
Carter leaned back against a bench, eyes narrowed thoughtfully. "So maybe this is just a knee-jerk reaction," she mused. "I took him by surprise and he automatically rejected the idea of yet another upheaval in his life. After all, it must have been a hell of a thing, changing gender. And living with those changes all this time."
Sheppard considered this, admitting to himself that it did make sense. Rodney had said as much herself, hadn't she? That she couldn't face going through it all again? Carter wasn't waiting for a confirmation or denial of her theory, she was still talking away as if to himself.
"Maybe he really does just need time. And seeing his sister might help bring some stuff into focus, from what I remember of Mrs Miller she wasn't one to mince words."
John nodded, starting to wonder himself if maybe Carter wasn't on the right track. What would happen when Rodney saw Jeannie? When she was back among normal people (people who'd never traveled to another galaxy) and she faced the reality of living as a woman? She'd lived with losing her status in the scientific community, her degrees, everything. But that was on Atlantis. Would she really start to feel differently about that now she was back here?
On the other hand, Carter didn't have all the data to solve this particular problem.
She didn't know about the two of them.
John suppressed his own internal worry; that maybe love just wasn't enough to justify all that Rodney was sacrificing now.
"Colonel," Carter was saying briskly. "Keep an eye on him. be a sounding board if he needs to talk. And remind him, if he needs it, that I can have his clone prepared on twenty-four hours notice. In fact, if Thor hadn't made it a condition that Rodney personally agree to the process, I could have had it prepared all ready."
Here's one I prepared earlier, John thought, feeling a little queasy at the thought. He didn't much like the idea of a new body cooked up in some alien laboratory either.
But he knew what she wanted to hear. "Yes, ma'am."
888
"So," Rodney said, making herself comfortable on the big bed and perusing the room service menu. "What did Carter say?"
"She asked me if you were a closet transvestite," John said, leaning back against the richly padded headboard with a sigh. It had been a long day.
Rodney's eyes widened and then she smirked. "Oh, very funny, Sheppard. Ha ha."
John lifted a brow and Rodney gaped. "She didn't? Really?"
"I told her I'd find out. So, is it true?"
"You know it's not!" Rodney exploded. "You..." Her eyes narrowed and then she was batting Sheppard on the knees with the padded menu.
"Hey, ouch, okay," John managed through his laughter. "Jeez, McKay, I told her no way, all right?"
"You better have," Rodney said darkly. "Not that I have any problem with men who want to dress as women, in fact I had an uncle I was very fond of as a child who used to end up wearing his wife's red silk dress and high heels at nearly every party my parents threw. Although that might have been his rampant alcoholism," she mused thoughtfully.
"Am I going to meet any other members of your family this week?" John asked nervously.
"Just Jeannie. Something I'm not looking forward to, by the way. Not to mention explaining this to my five year old niece. Anyway, what else did Carter say? Does she know about us?"
"Uh uh," John denied firmly. "And she's not going to. I think she already blames me for not talking you into this today. And you're just lucky the Asgard have some moral scruples or else she'd have already cooked up your clone."
Rodney grimaced, absorbed once more in the menu. "Okay, that's just kind of gross. Killed my appetite, ooh! Prime rib! And mashed potato. Mmm." She pushed the menu in John's direction. "Pick something."
"Maybe it killed my appetite," John pointed out.
"They have curly fries," Rodney coaxed.
John pushed the menu back and scooted down until he was laying flat. "You choose for me."
Rodney tilted her head and then tossed the menu onto the bedside table, before stretching her legs out and propping herself on one elbow. "You okay?"
John turned a little on his side, facing Rodney and gazing into serious brown eyes. "Just been a long day, you know?"
"I know," Rodney said quietly. They lay quietly for a while, looking into one another's eyes, breathing one another's breath. John felt a kind of ache in his heart, a physical pain in his chest. It was moments like these that still filled him with wonder. Moments of perfect accord, when the rest of the world seemed very far away, and it was just the two of them, together. These moments were worth everything.
Would Rodney always believe that?
Something of what he was feeling must have been in his eyes, or maybe Rodney just knew him really well. She lifted her hand and stroked gently over his cheek.
"I'm sorry."
John blinked. "What for?"
"I had no right to ask you that question today. I had no right to put that choice on you. If I'd had time to think about it I would never have pushed you like that."
"But you were right, it was my choice as well."
"No, it was and always will be my choice," Rodney insisted. She caught at his face and met his gaze with her own, soft brown eyes intent. "You get that? My choice, John. And mine alone."
John absorbed this, trying to believe it. Not sure he did.
"And, to be honest," Rodney said. "I didn't really make a choice. From the moment Carter told me about her plan I kind of knew. That I didn't want it. That I didn't want to go back."
"You did?"
Rodney shrugged. "Pretty much, yeah. I didn't tell her right away though, mainly because she would have asked me why, and at that point I really didn't know myself. Not well enough to put into words, anyway."
"But now you do?" John pushed himself up, shoving back against the padded head board, shoulders stiff with tension. "I can't... I can't help feeling that you still don't know what you want. Maybe Carter's right about that, maybe you're still confused. Surely there's some part of you that wants your old life back?"
Rodney sat up, sliding back until she was by John's side. She lifted her knees, wrapping slim arms around them. "I suppose there is," she admitted. "Some part." She slanted him a glance. "Just like there's still some part of you that thinks I should go back. That I should want to change back into myself."
John couldn't meet her eyes. "That's just the problem," he whispered. "There is no part of me that thinks that. Just the part of me that thinks I should want that."
Rodney shot him an incredulous look. "You what? I'm a genius and I can't figure that one out."
John kept his eyes on his hands and Rodney sighed. "Okay, I guess I do understand. This is Sheppard on a guilt trip. You actually feel guilty because you don't want to lose the person that you love. You evil swine, you."
"If you changed back," John said, searching for the right words. "I would still love you. It would be... difficult. But we'd figure something out." He lifted his gaze, met Rodney's eyes. "We could try."
"Changing our sexual preferences?" Rodney said incredulously. "You'd be willing to try that? You'd be willing to learn to love cock?"
John didn't flinch away. "Is that any stranger than you sacrificing who you were to be with me?"
"Yes, it is!" Rodney exclaimed. "Because, if you'd been listening to me all damn day, you'd know. This. Isn't. A sacrifice." She glared at John, cheeks flushed, eyes sparkling.
John had never loved her more.
"I have been listening," John said defensively. "I just..."
Rodney's glare faded and she shook her head in fond exasperation. "What? Can't believe I know my own mind? Or just can't believe that I love you enough that giving up the past is not a tragedy? Don't you get it, Sheppard? This is a good thing. That I had this choice. This is a good thing."
John stared at her incredulously.
"For the first time in almost a year," Rodney said gently. "I had a choice. And I made it."
John absorbed that.
"You know, it wasn't that long ago that I finally stopped being surprised when I caught a glimpse of my own reflection," Rodney confided. "Not so long since I stopped automatically thinking that my shirt wasn't going to fit me when I got it out of the drawer. You know what?" Rodney nudged his shoulder. "When I dream now, I dream as myself, the person I am now, not who I was. You have no idea what a relief that is."
"I didn't realize..." that you didn't, John thought. You always say I'm the only one who really knew what you were going through, but there are so many things I had no idea about.
"I don't know if anyone's ever going to understand," Rodney mused. "But in my head, it's like my life is divided into two parts now. The first half, I was a man. And I had a great life! I did great work, I traveled to another galaxy." She grinned at John. "I had good friends. And now this is the second half of my life, and I still have great work and friends, but now I also have you." Her eyes grew tender and her grin softened to a smile. "I never thought I'd have that," she admitted. "Not really. Not someone of my own."
"Me either," John said, his throat tight. He wished that just once he could say these things first, instead of just echoing Rodney's sentiments back at him.
He heard a small sigh and then John jerked in surprise as Rodney straddled his lap and sat down, arms draped casually over his shoulders. Now he met Rodney's gaze and found it fixed on his own, lit with love and understanding.
"This kinda sucks, huh?" Rodney said softly. "You finally let someone into your life, in fact they kind of worm their way in by the back door of manly friendship, and then wham! They drag you into love and a relationship before you know it."
John grimaced. Sometimes being known so well could be a bit disconcerting.
"And then, just when you think everything's sorted with hardly any effort on your part, everything almost blows up in your face. You don't even know what you're supposed to be feeling right now, do you? Want a hint? It's happy, dumbass."
"Don't call me dumbass," John said, but his voice was muffled as Rodney wrapped both arms around him and hugged him tight. And John just clung on, knowing he should feel happy, that he did feel happy, that he could finally accept that Rodney meant what she said...
That she had made her decision.
That it could so easily have gone the other way.
What if Rodney had made the other choice? What if she had jumped at the big, shiny gift that Carter offered and raced back to her old life, and everything that she'd lost?
What if John had really been her friend and loved her a little bit less? Might she have done so?
"I'm not going anywhere," Rodney murmured.
"You know me too damn well," John grumbled, a little resentfully.
Rodney snickered. "You know me just as well," she returned. "Better than anyone ever has." She drew back and chuckled as John frowned back at her. "You know me better than anyone ever has, and you still love me," Rodney said. "Do you know how amazing that is?"
"I do, yeah," John said stubbornly and Rodney smirked and hugged him again.
"When did you become the emotionally stable one in this relationship anyway?" John wondered.
"Ha!" Rodney laughed, body shaking. Her hands were in John's hair now, stroking through the thick strands, sending small shivers through John as Rodney shifted on his lap.
"Mmm," John hummed and Rodney laughed again, voice husky and low, and the intimacy sent another shiver through John as he slid his hand into Rodney's curls, tugged gently, turned his head, lips seeking blindly.
"You know," Rodney murmured against his lips. "It occurs to me that you and I have decided to try and let go of the past. Yes?"
"Mmm," John said again, wondering if they were going to stop talking any time soon.
"Which means I should probably let go of a few old fears as well," Rodney purred, and John kissed her for long moments more, before his brain caught up with his dick and he pulled back.
"You mean?"
"John Sheppard," Rodney intoned theatrically. "Make a woman of me!"
Epilogue
"I just, I can't believe this," Jeannie said angrily, pacing up and down her lounge room. "I mean these guys have spaceships that go to another galaxy. They have technology that reaches into alternate dimensions. Are you seriously telling me they can't figure out a way to turn you back into yourself?"
Rodney flicked a glance at John and then back to his enraged sister. It was clear she wasn't ready to explain the choice she had just made to anybody else. They were still girding themselves for their next confrontation with Carter, who was no doubt expecting Rodney to change her mind after this visit.
John was pretty sure she wasn't going to.
He smiled a little, remembering the night before.
Really pretty sure.
"Jeannie," Rodney was saying gently, catching at her sister's arm and drawing her down onto the couch. "It's okay, really it is. I'm okay."
Jeannie stared at her, eyes wet with unshed tears. "How can you be, Mer?" she whispered. "How can you be okay?"
"Well, I've had a lot longer than you to get used to this," Rodney said reasonably. "And it's not like I turned into a monster, or a bug or anything." She smirked at John who rolled his eyes back. "I just turned into a woman, that's all."
Jeannie shook her head, shot a bewildered look at John and then back at her new sister. "And that's okay?"
"It's fine," Rodney said firmly.
Jeannie finally started crying and Rodney looked flustered for a moment or two, hands hovering uncertainly. John gestured silently with his hands and nodded at Jeannie, trying to convey what should be obvious to anybody. Hug your sister, Rodney!
Rodney finally got it and tentatively reached out, then looked overwhelmed as Jeannie wrapped her own arms around her, engulfing her in a hug.
She relaxed a little in the embrace, patting her sister's back awkwardly. "It's okay," she said again. Then a thought occurred to her and she tightened her arms. "I'm happy, Jeannie. I'm happy."
888
"Okay," Rodney said, leaning back in the passenger seat with a sigh. "Pissed off Carter, traumatized my sister, lost my virginity. I think that about covers it for this trip to Earth."
"And we still have time to pick up a few gifts for everyone back home," John agreed.
They drove in silence for a while.
"You understand why I didn't tell her about my choice?" Rodney asked. "I mean, I will tell her, eventually. When she's had time to get used to it all."
"Yeah," John said. "Thirty, forty years ought to cover it."
"She'll understand," Rodney said, with a confidence that bordered on blindness. John didn't think she'd understand. He wasn't entirely sure he understood himself. But at this point it was enough that Rodney understood, that Rodney had made up her mind. That Rodney said she was happy.
Last night, as they lay in each others arms, John had whispered his last, deepest fear. That Rodney's new body would get sick. He didn't say the word aloud, but it was there in the darkness with them.
Cancer.
Rodney had rubbed her cheek against his shoulder sleepily. "People get sick," she murmured. "There's no guarantee my old body wouldn't have gotten sick, at some point. If it happens, we'll deal. That's what couples do."
We're a couple, John thought. Me and Rodney.
Rodney reached out and laid her hand on John's knee as he drove and he looked over at her, wondering if something was wrong. But she was just gazing out the window, watching the streets fly by as they sped along. It was just the kind of casual, absent gesture lovers made.
John took his hand off the wheel long enough to squeeze that small hand gently.
The End.