Thoughts raced through his mind, different but all focused on one name, Remus, the name was in each thought, as it had been for the past two days, only getting worse as Sirius consumed shot after shot of fire whisky in a vain attempt to forget the words that had been shouted, the distrust and hurt hidden behind the insults, the slamming of doors and punching of walls as Remus walked out of their apartment. But the alcohol did nothing but force the memories back to the front of his mind, haunting him.
" You're going away again?" His voice had been laced with forced disintrest, as if he didn't care that his boyfriend left on supposed 'missions' and wouldn't tell him where he was going or who he was with.
"Dumbledore has asked me to Sirius, you know its for the Order." Sirius didn't know this though, if it was for the Order Dumbledore would have told him, would have told Peter or James. But no one seemed to know anything about it.
He had jumped to conclusions, troubled with doubts brought on by the war, spies were everywhere, he had told himself he would always trust Remus, but each time he left it caused more doubts in Sirius's head. Remus was keeping secrets.
They were shouting now, he had drank before coming home and seeing Remus packing his suitcase once again.
"Just fucking tell me the truth Remus!" It was clear in Sirius's head that there could only be two reasons Remus would keep secrets from him, either he was cheating, or he was a traitor.
"I've told you I can't! Dumbledore has asked me-"
"Liar! Just tell me! Are you working for him?" There was hysteria in Sirius's voice now, voicing it made it more real.
It had gone down hill from there, Remus had broken, screaming about how Sirius didn't trust him, screaming so loud and so fast that Sirius's shouts mixed in with them. It ended with Remus storming out, and Sirius had been drinking since then. His head was filled with regrets, he knew Remus would never betray him, how could he have pushed Remus away.
It was with his head spinning that he pulled out a piece of parchment and began to write Remus a letter, the words slurring in his head, I'm so sorry, Please Moony come home please. He would do whatever he could if his Moony would return to him.
It was hours after that an owl returned with Remus's reply, You should have given me a reason to stay.
Sirius could not stop the sobs from escaping his mouth, he had lost his Moony. His Moony would never come home.
Part of him wanted to stay and curl up on Moony's bed, crying in the hopes that somehow his Moony would hear him and return, take him in his arms and never leave again. But he knew it would not work, and it was with his slurring self pitying thoughts that he stumbled outside towards his motorbike, he was certain that James and Lily would still be awake at this time. They would take care of him for the night, Lily would know what to do.
And it was Halloween, maybe he could see little Harry dressed as a pumpkin or something.