Reposted now that I've worked out the plot kinks. AU, might end up M but will be violent regardless
disclaimer: don't own gintama, but this plot is all mine
/
Sometimes, Soyo wondered why she bothered taking stupid jobs like this.
She swished her wine around her glass, fighting her yawn as the man across from her rambled on and on about some shit involving computers. She'd been hoping for at least a little bit of entertainment, but she supposed it was too good to be true. His online dating profile pic had made him look like a dishrag; she should have expected this kind of personality. Her company was trash, but at least the expensive dinner was worth it. That filet mignon had been cooked to perfection and the wine? Magnificent.
"…I'm boring you, aren't I?" he chuckled awkwardly, pushing his glasses up his nose. "I always bore the pretty ones. I guess talking about computer parts isn't the best choice of conversation."
"That's not it," Soyo said in her fake, thick French accent. She tried to muster up the energy to smile charmingly at the man across from her. She licked her lips, leaning onto the table so her boobs were pushed up and threatening to spill over the front of her silk dress. "It's just that I want to know more about your… tastes."
His eyes drifted down to her chest before he blinked and cleared his throat nervously. "Well that's unexpected."
"What is?" she asked curiously after tipping back the last of her wine.
He smiled, and Soyo had to bite her lower lip to keep from laughing when she caught the spinach stuck in between his teeth. "It's just that you don't seem like a one-night stand kind of girl."
"I'm not." Soyo winked, hooking her foot around his calf and rubbing it slowly up and down. "But I'm not really into relationships either."
"I'm the exception, then?" His smile turned smarmy. "Or do you say this to all the guys?"
"Oh, make no mistake." Soyo traced the rim of her glass, a small, ironic smile on her face. "You're definitely special. I want just you."
The man looked quite pleased with himself. He reached across the table and set his hand on top of hers, squeezing lightly. "Really now?"
"Yes actually." Soyo dropped the accent completely. "I mean it wasn't easy tracking you down since you like to change up your name every once in a while, but you messed up when you used the same picture on two different dating sites. Tracing your IP was a cinch after that."
With each of her words, she watched his smile slowly drop from his face. There were beads of sweat dotting his forehead, and his eyes were slowly drifting around the restaurant, clearly trying to figure out if she was working with other people.
"That fake nerd act and those glasses aren't fooling me, Nishikawa Kouji. You have quite the penchant for hacking laptop cameras of hot girls on these dating sites, huh? Yeesh, what a pervert."
"Alright. What do you want?" He growled, his eyes narrowed into slits as he stared at her. "Money?"
"Yupp. The 30K bounty on your head if I turn you in." She felt his hand stiffen on top of hers. He was twitching like he was getting ready to bolt. "Uh uh uh~ Don't try anything rash. Just accept your arrest graciously, and I won't have to use force on you."
He said nothing for a few seconds as they stared at each other. Soyo smiled at him, hoping he'd be one of the .oooooooo1% of targets who decided to give in and come with her quietly. There was a brief moment when an undertone of resignation entered his gaze, but it vanished in a split second. And she knew he was about to try to run.
Nishikawa shot to his feet with a growl and without missing a beat, Soyo yanked the foot around his calf back towards her when he tried to move. He yelled and tripped, falling backwards and grabbing the table cloth on his way down. The silverware, glasses, cutlery and all food on the table and the wine bottle went with the cloth, landing on him and the floor in a mess. The whole dining room went quiet as everyone snapped their heads around to look at the brewing commotion.
Soyo sighed as she moved and crouched over Nishikawa with her handcuffs. She'd been hoping they wouldn't end up making a big scene. She wasn't a fan of using any kind of force, but most of her targets tended to be violent and left her with no choice.
"I told you not to do anything—"
His fist flew into her face, clipping her right in the eye. Soyo shouted in surprise at the explosion of pain that burst across her face. She tumbled backwards and landed on her ass—and a fork for fuck's sake!—sure she was seeing galaxies behind the assaulted eye. Nishikawa panicked as he scrambled to his feet, glancing down at her with a guilty look on his face, though he spun around and started to run away.
"Motherfucker!" She held her throbbing eye, watching blearily through the other one as he raced away to head down the stairs. Alright that was it! No more mercy on these stupid fucks! "Oh no you don't…"
Even if she started running after him now, she'd never catch up fast enough. She'd already slashed the tires of his car so he couldn't drive away, but assholes like him were crafty. They were good at figuring out alternatives. She rose from the ground slowly, cracking her neck and shoulders to get out the kinks. Why did they always have to run?
She made quick recon of her surroundings, ignoring the concerned waiters who lingered around her, asking if she was alright. There was an open patio on this level that seemed to be above the front door. Without hesitation, Soyo stepped out of her heels and hitched up her silk cocktail dress. She ran through the restaurant, past waiters with large trays and curious and shocked patrons as she headed to the outdoor patio.
"Madame! This is a private event! You are not allowed to—"
"Out of my way!" Soyo barked, shoving the maître d' out of the way with one hand as she barrelled through.
He bellowed in surprise and toppled over a table, spilling his tray of champagne glasses all over the tablecloth and some of the people. Soyo paid the trail of turmoil she was making no mind and hurried over to the edge of the patio to the balcony railing. She yanked herself up on it using a support beam to steady herself, her breathing uneven and shaky as she considered the distance she would be travelling to the ground. The view of the concrete waiting to meet her nearly gave her vertigo. Her stomach reeled in discomfort. Soyo swallowed hard to contain the bile threatening to rise in her throat.
"What are you doing?! This is the third floor!"
Oh she knew.
Soyo licked her dry lips, waiting and watching carefully for her time to strike. She had one shot at this and if she messed up, she'd be a stain of blood, bones, and skin on the asphalt. Okay, maybe not that dramatic, but she'd definitely break a few bones here and there.
If she survived, that is.
The top of Nishikawa's head popped out from the entrance as he stumbled out of the restaurant in a hurry. He was running and looking behind him as if searching to see if she was following. A catlike grin grew on Soyo's face and with one quick prayer for luck, she catapulted off of the balcony railing. Someone let out a bloodcurdling screech when she jumped off. It was loud enough that Nishikawa looked up in confusion. But by the time he saw her, it was too late.
Soyo landed right on him, slamming into him with her patented bellyflop jump, and he was taken down, crushed by her weight and the knee that had connected with his lower back. He wheezed in pain, the wind knocked out of his body when they hit the ground. She banged her elbow on the concrete and gasped as a shock of pain shot up to her shoulder. It felt like her shoulder had just ripped out of its socket, and sure enough when she tested it, it didn't easily move.
"Oh my God, she's alive!" Soyo heard from above her head. "Call an ambulance!"
"No need!" Soyo responded, slowly rising to her feet and waving her good arm to show them she was okay. She wasn't; her body was protesting her every movement, but this situation was quickly getting out of hand. If any authorities got involved, she could kiss her money goodbye. "This is just a prank. Nothing to see here! Continue on with your evening!"
A shit excuse, but Soyo didn't have enough time to think of a way to get out of the situation. There were too many spectators this time. Damage control wouldn't be a possibility.
Below her, Nishikawa moaned in pain and rolled over onto his back. He was gripping his abdomen and it looked like one of his feet was twisted awkwardly. His face was scratched up, and he had a bent and bloody nose. Her swan dive with him as a landing pad had really done a number on him. It was pretty satisfying to see, especially since he'd socked her in the face.
"You broke one of my ribs, you cunt…" he groaned as he stared up at her blearily. He was drifting in and out of consciousness.
"You punched me in the face," she responded impassively. "An eye for an eye. Uh, semi-literally."
Soyo slowly rotated her injured arm so her shoulder could pop back into place. The grind of bones against each other made her stomach roll, and she jolted from the pangs of agonising fire that continued to drift through her injury. With a soft pop, it went back into its proper position, and she bit down hard on her lower lip until she could taste blood. Mental note: she had to start bringing painkillers on her hunts. She tested her arm out by moving it carefully back and forth and was pleased to see the full functions had returned, albeit with the unfortunate soreness accompanying a swelling joint.
"Who the hell are you?" Nishikawa slurred groggily.
"Your worst nightmare."
She kicked him hard in the face, and he passed out with a groan.
"Now then…" Soyo brushed the gravel and dust off of her torn dress. It was totally ruined, but maybe she could at least try to salvage the expensive thing. She leaned down and cuffed Nishikawa's wrists together before stooping and grabbing the back of his collar. Dragging him behind her, Soyo walked down the street in the direction of her car. "Let's go get me my money."