Title: I Will Hold You
Pairing: Miyu/Larva
Summary: Coda to Episode 15 "Dream of the Mermaid". After the confrontation with Yao Bikuni in the aquarium. When Miyu, Larva and Shiina are sitting in the bamboo forest, Larva and Miyu have a moment.
"Miyu, is it too hard for you?"
Miyu lowered her head again and responded the only way she could; fulfilling her destiny was necessary because of her immortality- because she wasn't human.
Larva looked down at her before turning to Shiina.
"Shiina, would you please give me a moment with Miyu?"
Miyu lifted her head for a split second before lowering it again. It was quick, but not quick enough for Shiina not to notice the look in her eyes. She knew her princess's eyes well enough to see the fatigue, the self-loathing, and the loneliness that only Larva had the ability to soothe.
Shiina nodded and jumped off of Miyu. With one last look at her companions, she hopped into the bamboo trees and was out of sight.
Miyu sighed and leaned back against Larva, using his strong chest behind her and his arms around her to center her.
"We're alone." He said as he shifted beneath her, moving her so that she sat across his lap.
"We are." She replied, and allowed him to maneuver her. She leaned her head against his chest as her legs dangled on the side.
"Talk to me, Miyu." It was not a question, yet not a command. Miyu locked eyes with him and shook her head.
"I said we are alone." He repeated, confusion lacing his tone. While he spoke, he watched as Miyu reached a delicate hand up to his mask.
"I know that." She grasped it and pulled it gently from his face. It fell to the ground with a thud, but Larva hardly noticed it as Miyu rose from her place in his lap to stand in front of him. She leaned toward him and placed one of her knees on the only part of the stump visible between his legs.
"I don't want to talk about serious things when we are alone. In fact, I don't really want to talk at all." She wrapped her arms around his neck. He wrapped his arms around her in turn, both to steady and comfort her. It was rare that they indulged in one another romantically. Between hunting shinma, dealing with Reiha, and Miyu attending school, there was never time to be together the way they wanted.
"As you wish." He replied, and held her tighter before closing the distance between their lips.
It was the briefest of touches, feather soft and slightly chilled. Miyu pulled back, but Larva refused to let her leave him completely.
"Don't hold back." He told her, knowing what her hesitation meant. After the night they had, she didn't think herself worthy of indulging in any kind of happiness, even though she had every right to.
It was always like that when she felt a particular connection to a human's pain. No matter how much Miyu tried to convince herself that she had no attachment to them, Larva knew better. She was upset at the aquarium because of the very real emotion that plagued all humans she came in contact with: loneliness. That boy was lonely to a point where he was lured to death by the fictitious memories of a seemingly kindred spirit. A siren, almost; a creature who seduced lonely men to their deaths by a melody so tempting that they were willing to jump into the depths of the sea. Was that not exactly what they had witnessed? What they always witnessed anytime a shinma had any kind of human contact?
No matter how many decades he lived, Larva would never understand human thoughts. Miyu would always understand, would always feel the phantom pains of her own human life, and there was nothing he could do about it.
Anger and resentment boiled in Larva during moments like those. It was because of Reiha's and Matsukaze's constant insults and references to the past- to Miyu's last human memories- that Miyu felt less of herself, that she was undeserving of love or happiness. No matter how he showed her differently, it was never enough to truly erase those negative thoughts from her mind.
"Miyu, kiss me." He said suddenly. This time it was a command, one of the only ones he ever allowed himself to give her.
Miyu locked eyes with him, feeling her cheeks grow hot from his words. He was so beautiful, and he made her feel everything she imagined when she thought of love. She remembered the conversations she overheard from girls in her class at school, about how their boyfriends made them feel. Those times, when she sat there listening, were the few times she ever remembered feeling jealousy. If she were human, there would be no holding back. She would kiss Larva all she wanted. She would ask him to take her back to their home, and ask to stay in his arms all night. She would revel in the butterflies in her stomach and the goose bumps on her skin when he touched her. She would whisper how much she loved him, and would believe him when he said it back. If she were human, there would be no destiny and no constant reminder of her fate. If she were human, there would be no guilt or consequence to her love.
If she were human…
She leaned in to kiss him again, but stopped just short of his lips.
"Larva." She sighed against his lips, and he sucked in a breath.
"What do you want, Miyu?"
"You." She replied. She was already too far gone in her thoughts. And she needed him; she needed to feel normal, if only for the small amount of time that she would allow. Fate couldn't expect her to completely ignore the residual emotions of her humanity, no matter how long ago the title was robbed from her.
Larva lowered his head to her neck and held her tighter. He placed a kiss just below her ear and whispered, "You have me. We are one; you will never be without me."
A shiver ran through her, and he lifted his head so his gaze met with hers. After a moment she moved to stand, a small smile spread across her face. Maybe tonight she could indulge in him, and pretend that destiny had no power over them. She contemplated her next words.
"I want us to go home." Her request was almost shy, and it brought a smile to his own lips.
"And then?" He asked while taking her back in his arms and standing. Miyu wrapped her arms around his neck again as they took off into the night in the direction of the cemetery.
Miyu was silent during the journey, thinking over his question. What did she want? As much as she wished she could feel butterflies and goose bumps, there was a definite possibility that she could not feel any of those. What was love to a shinma, anyway?
She thought back to the two shinma who helped her find Larva when he disappeared. They were in love, or so they believed. Or, instead of love, was it just a deep connection? She wondered if they felt the same emotions that the school girls mentioned. If so, maybe she and Larva weren't so different from humans after all.
When Miyu felt them land, she looked up from Larva's shoulder to see that they were standing in their usual spot on the red cemetery entrance.
Larva was silent, and she could tell that he was also deep in thought. As in tune as they were with one another, he was still an enigma to her when it came to his feelings.
"Larva," He let out a hum and looked down at her. She met his eyes determinately. "I want…I want you to hold me tonight."
"Just hold you?" He asked, taking her by the hand and jumping from the top of the awning and landing in a grassy area behind the shrine.
As soon as her feet touched the soft ground, she let go of his hand and let herself fall back. She landed with barely a sound, the grass tall and soft from not being well tended to. She sighed and spread her arms out on either side, fingers gliding against the stray blades they came in contact with.
She put her hands back to her side and looked toward Larva. Her breath hitched when she saw him staring back at her. He had moved to stand against a tree a few feet away, an unreadable look on his face.
He was content to watch her, at least for the moment.
"No." She finally responded to his earlier question. She sat up and lifted her knees to her chest before laying her head on them. She turned her attention to him again, a thoughtful look on her face. "I want something else."
"Tell me." He urged, still not leaving his place under the shadow of the leaves, his eyes gleaming in the darkness. "This is unlike you."
She snapped her head up. "What is? Is it so unlike me to want something more?" She was confused, with a sadness that only that assumption could bring on. She knew they were not the most affectionate with one another, but that didn't mean she didn't want to be. That statement hurt her in a way she didn't quite understand.
He shook his head. "No, that's not it. It's unlike you to be so non-vocal around me. It makes me feel…uneasy."
She nodded in understanding, some of that restlessness disappearing with his words.
She sighed. She didn't know how to say what she wanted. Anything she wanted to say, she knew would be riddled with stutters and pauses. It would be embarrassing, and make her even more self-conscious. And that would be no one's fault but her own.
If she couldn't talk to Larva, then she couldn't talk to anyone.
"I want…" She started, and wanted to kick herself for the way her voice cracked. "I want more than just holding. I want…" She trailed off, not sure how to finish. She had no idea what she wanted.
Larva was with her in an instant, phasing in and sitting beside her on the grass. He witnessed her internal struggle, and it took everything in him not to immediately go to her. In battle, he would give his life. For this, however, he couldn't come to her rescue. She needed to be able to express herself to him on her own, through her own merit. Though he wouldn't finish or verbalize her thoughts, that didn't mean he wouldn't aid her as best he could.
He lifted a finger under her chin, forcing her to look at him. "What is it? What else do you want?"
Miyu gazed into his eyes before gently moving his hand away and laying back in the grass. She turned on her side to face him, and he mirrored her position to do the same, wrapping an arm around her waist as he did so. She smiled gratefully, but it soon disappeared. Her brow crinkled as she regarded him.
"What about you, Larva? What do you want?" She asked. All this time thinking about herself, and she never asked what he wanted. That self-hatred reared itself, emerging from the back of her mind and rolling over her in waves. It was so like her to be selfish.
Larva felt her tense up and allowed her enough distance for comfort, but did not let her leave his arms.
He thought about it for a moment, mentally taking a step back from dissecting her internal struggles and trying to focus on how best to answer. "Hmmm, well…I want a lot of things, I suppose."
She regarded him quizzically. An unguarded look graced his features, and his unwavering gaze-much like his devotion- was focused solely on her.
"I want to hold you, for as long as you let me." He began, and Miyu's breath quickened. "I want to spend every day and night with you- to have eyes on you at all times so I know no harm will ever come to you. I want to be on your mind always, and to be the only one you show all of your feelings to."
"And I want to kiss you." His lips ghosted over hers, and he smiled when she moved her lips over his in a light kiss. "And I want you to know how much I care about you, and know that you are all I want in this life."
Miyu looked at him for a long moment, shell-shocked and mesmerized by his speech. Instead of waiting for a response, he leaned in and kissed her again. The kiss was deeper than the others, and her hands moved to his face as they lost themselves in each other.
Miyu pulled away after a while and buried her head in his chest. The kiss felt so…normal, and she was torn between joy and embarrassment. Larva moved his hand from her waist to the top of her head, letting his fingers glide through the chestnut strands. He kissed her forehead, and smiled when he felt her sigh against him.
"So if you want me to hold you…" He began, and Miyu lifted her head. "If you want to be in my arms all night, then I will hold onto you every night for as long as you wish. Whatever satisfies you, Miyu."
"Would it be wrong to say I love you, Larva?" She asked, touching her forehead against his. He resisted the urge to kiss her again.
"How could it be, if it's true?" He asked, and she couldn't think of a better answer. Because it was true; she loved him with everything she was. It didn't matter what they were.
"I suppose you're right." She closed her eyes. She didn't hide her smile. "I love you."
"And I love you, Miyu."
"How long until morning?" She wondered. She knew without a doubt that Larva heard the regret in her voice.
"Not long." He pulled her fully against him, and pulled his cloak to cover them. "I won't let you go, Miyu. Even as the sun burns in the sky."
What could she say? She believed him.