What would you do for a Klondike bar???
By LikeAStone
Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Paramount except the Klondike bar.
Chef sat up suddenly and surveyed the scene. The crew lay unconsciously among each other and cactus-like plants that seemed to be the only life on the whole planet. The shuttlepod had been crashed into a large rock formation and was still smoldering slightly.
"Who's idea was it to let the captain fly this away mission, anyway?" wondered Chef aloud as he searched Archer's body for a communicator, "and why do these uniforms have to have so many pockets?"
"T'pol?" asked a groggy Archer as Chef frisked his thigh and found the communicator.
"Shhh. go back to sleep." Chef coaxed the captain. The last thing he wanted was for the captain to wake up and make him go sauté some cactus for breakfast. He unzipped the captain's pocket and pulled out the little box.
"Shit" muttered Chef as he tossed the red GameBoy over his shoulder. He then sat back on his heels and surveyed the remaining crewmembers. Tucker and Porthos were still on the Enterprise but everyone else was here. He spotted Reed laying partly under the sub-commander.
Bingo.
He gently placed his arms around T'pol's waist and lifted her off of Reed.
"Jonathon?" asked T'pol sleepily.
"It's O.K. I gotcha. Go back to sleep." The last thing Chef wanted was for T'pol to wake up and order him to make cactus-polmeek soup for her.
A communicator was in Reed's breast pocket, right next to a tazer.
Chef took the tazer too.
"Chef to Enterprise."
"Commander Tucker here."
"Commander, we have crash-landed on the surface due to some sucky piloting by the captain."
"Yeah. I thought so. Rostov n I kinda screwed with the landing jets a bit. Haha."
"No, this crash was completely pilot error. You didn't even need to sabotage."
"Damn. Ya mean my tampering was all in vain? Well, are the captain and the sub-commander dead?"
"No, sir."
"How much longer 'till they die?"
"How should I know? I'm a gourmet cook not a mere doctor."
"Jeez. Keep yer shirt on."
"So, Commander? Gonna help us here, or what?"
"Let me get back ta ya." Tucker pressed the handy dandy hold feature and Lori Line blared from the communicator in Chef's hand.
"Shit." Said Chef as he slammed it closed, shuddered, and stuck it in his back pocket.
"Hey, I like that song," said Travis, getting to his feet.
"He speaks?" asked Archer incredulously.
"I didn't think he spoke, eye-ther," said Reed.
Phlox ran his scanner over Travis's body, "It would appear that Ensign Mayweather is possessed."
Travis's head spun 360 degrees and his eyes rolled back in his head revealing the whites of his eyeballs.
Reed drew his phase pistol.
"Wait! Stop!" screamed Hoshi, "I can talk to demons!"
Travis did the splits and let out a mighty growl.
"RRRR-jaaa-huuu-mkkkcgh," said Hoshi.
Travis glanced up from the ground.
"ChumbaWumba," said Travis.
"Duybwimjinkgyx?" asked Hoshi.
"Oogachucka"
"It refuses to leave Travis," explained Hoshi, beginning to panic.
Reed shot him.
"My hero," said Archer.
"Jerk," said Hoshi.
"Ow!! My crotch!!!!!!!!" screamed Travis as he came to.
"Do the splits again, Mayweather. That was so cool."
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!" Chef suddenly cried, jumping around awkwardly with his hand on his butt. He finally took the communicator out of his pocket and held it in his hand. "R-R-R-e-e-e-e-da-da-da, why-y-y-y do-o- o you-oo-oo have th-th-th-this th-I-I-I-ing on vi-I-I-I-I-bra-a-a-ate???"
Reed blushed, "For uh.. tactical reasons."
"Wh-wh-wh-e-e-e-res the fre-e-e-e-e-eking ta-a-lk buta-ta-ta-on?"
He finally found it.
"Yeah?"
"Hey, Chef. It's Captain Tucker. We've tried everything short of sending our other shuttlepod down there to get you, and now we are forced to give up. We're leaving orbit now. Give Malcolm a hug for me."
Then the Enterprise left the orbit of the planet and 7 crewmembers were stranded with little more than a GameBoy, the ashes of a shuttlepod, and a half-melted Klondike bar which was tucked safely into one of the pockets of Chef's uniform.
Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Paramount except the Klondike bar.
Chef sat up suddenly and surveyed the scene. The crew lay unconsciously among each other and cactus-like plants that seemed to be the only life on the whole planet. The shuttlepod had been crashed into a large rock formation and was still smoldering slightly.
"Who's idea was it to let the captain fly this away mission, anyway?" wondered Chef aloud as he searched Archer's body for a communicator, "and why do these uniforms have to have so many pockets?"
"T'pol?" asked a groggy Archer as Chef frisked his thigh and found the communicator.
"Shhh. go back to sleep." Chef coaxed the captain. The last thing he wanted was for the captain to wake up and make him go sauté some cactus for breakfast. He unzipped the captain's pocket and pulled out the little box.
"Shit" muttered Chef as he tossed the red GameBoy over his shoulder. He then sat back on his heels and surveyed the remaining crewmembers. Tucker and Porthos were still on the Enterprise but everyone else was here. He spotted Reed laying partly under the sub-commander.
Bingo.
He gently placed his arms around T'pol's waist and lifted her off of Reed.
"Jonathon?" asked T'pol sleepily.
"It's O.K. I gotcha. Go back to sleep." The last thing Chef wanted was for T'pol to wake up and order him to make cactus-polmeek soup for her.
A communicator was in Reed's breast pocket, right next to a tazer.
Chef took the tazer too.
"Chef to Enterprise."
"Commander Tucker here."
"Commander, we have crash-landed on the surface due to some sucky piloting by the captain."
"Yeah. I thought so. Rostov n I kinda screwed with the landing jets a bit. Haha."
"No, this crash was completely pilot error. You didn't even need to sabotage."
"Damn. Ya mean my tampering was all in vain? Well, are the captain and the sub-commander dead?"
"No, sir."
"How much longer 'till they die?"
"How should I know? I'm a gourmet cook not a mere doctor."
"Jeez. Keep yer shirt on."
"So, Commander? Gonna help us here, or what?"
"Let me get back ta ya." Tucker pressed the handy dandy hold feature and Lori Line blared from the communicator in Chef's hand.
"Shit." Said Chef as he slammed it closed, shuddered, and stuck it in his back pocket.
"Hey, I like that song," said Travis, getting to his feet.
"He speaks?" asked Archer incredulously.
"I didn't think he spoke, eye-ther," said Reed.
Phlox ran his scanner over Travis's body, "It would appear that Ensign Mayweather is possessed."
Travis's head spun 360 degrees and his eyes rolled back in his head revealing the whites of his eyeballs.
Reed drew his phase pistol.
"Wait! Stop!" screamed Hoshi, "I can talk to demons!"
Travis did the splits and let out a mighty growl.
"RRRR-jaaa-huuu-mkkkcgh," said Hoshi.
Travis glanced up from the ground.
"ChumbaWumba," said Travis.
"Duybwimjinkgyx?" asked Hoshi.
"Oogachucka"
"It refuses to leave Travis," explained Hoshi, beginning to panic.
Reed shot him.
"My hero," said Archer.
"Jerk," said Hoshi.
"Ow!! My crotch!!!!!!!!" screamed Travis as he came to.
"Do the splits again, Mayweather. That was so cool."
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!" Chef suddenly cried, jumping around awkwardly with his hand on his butt. He finally took the communicator out of his pocket and held it in his hand. "R-R-R-e-e-e-e-da-da-da, why-y-y-y do-o- o you-oo-oo have th-th-th-this th-I-I-I-ing on vi-I-I-I-I-bra-a-a-ate???"
Reed blushed, "For uh.. tactical reasons."
"Wh-wh-wh-e-e-e-res the fre-e-e-e-e-eking ta-a-lk buta-ta-ta-on?"
He finally found it.
"Yeah?"
"Hey, Chef. It's Captain Tucker. We've tried everything short of sending our other shuttlepod down there to get you, and now we are forced to give up. We're leaving orbit now. Give Malcolm a hug for me."
Then the Enterprise left the orbit of the planet and 7 crewmembers were stranded with little more than a GameBoy, the ashes of a shuttlepod, and a half-melted Klondike bar which was tucked safely into one of the pockets of Chef's uniform.