Author's Notes: Welcome to a series of one shots, warped alien humor and the things the Transformers don't always want the public to know. Mix of G1, Movie verse and the comics depending on the subject. Yes, I will be updating my other fics soon. Not enough time between work and family.

:: Means internal comms between Transformers and not audible ::

T for Teen - includes battle sequences and Cybertronian swearing so a higher rating it is. Do not eat or drink while reading this please. WARNING: Intense battle aftermath scene with rescue in the middle this chapter. Funny at the end. Leave me reviews and let me know what you think.

Chapter One

Movie Verse - Diego Garcia NEST Base

Ironhide Fixes a Problem

"Are Sam's parents functional? He displayed indications of emotional unrest for your species after their last call," Ironhide asked. The ancient warrior mech sat on the ground, legs crossed as he finished repairing his left arm cannon.

"His parents were fighting and he had to listen to both their sides Judy got the dogs fixed after they did a little sideshow in front of her ladies garden club and Ron did not approve," Mikeala giggled. She unwrapped her long dark hair, working out a tangle with her fingers. The island breeze was warm and soft across her skin.

"Those pit spawned rodents needed termination not repair. Leaking lubricant everywhere," he noted, polishing a cannon fitting to erase the repair marks.

"No, different meaning big guy," she glanced over at him. Sitting on the top riser of the bleachers, she had a clear view of the NEST obstacle course but only reached about his shoulder plate height. "Look up spaying and neutering on the internet, cross reference with the slang term 'fixing' as in fixing a male dog," She waited as his optics dimmed while he digitally researched. His optics blazed full strength as the meaning sunk in. Laughing, she watched his jaw gear drop. 'They may look like us, act like us but one subject and they are truly alien robots.'

"Ewwww, you race is strange," he finally commented, bending down to meet her face to face. "Removing working parts is not fixing. Would not have adding restraint lines of code been easier?"

"Obedience training? Judy tried that several times. It is for their own good. Less messes, keeps them out of trouble and they are less likely to be abandoned. Or worse, breed without a loving home to put their offspring into. Nothing is crueler than starving and being chased away when all they want is a place to sleep. I know how that feels," her expression turned sad for a moment in memory then she realized he was staring at her intently. "Anyways, dogs are flesh and don't have lines of code any more than a human does," she reminded.

"Is that procedure practiced on humans?" He asked, his gruff tone holding a note of curiosity.

"Uh, yah in some situations," she stalled not wanting to explain the difference about it being constantly joked about but rarely ever done. Any subject more complicated than a five minute answer was off limits to the Transformers until properly explained by a military representative, including all human mating concerns. "I have threatened Sam with it if I ever catch him being unfaithful to me and I find him in bed with any other woman," she winked at him.

He opened his lip plates to reply when the scream of a super sonic jet overhead sent them both diving down. Ironhide hit and skidded, digging a deep gouge in the grass even as his hands folded over Mikeala to protect her. "Starscream!" he yelled, watching the jet turn and fire into buildings. Buildings with humans inside. The base alarm screamed as the first smoke column billowed upward among human cries of pain and fear.

Mikeala pulled free and ran for the nearest hangar as he rose to one knee plate, aiming and firing both his cannons. "Gotcha!" he snarled as the Deception's wing tip exploded, tilting him to the side and down behind a building. Soldiers and Transformers ran that direction.

Five minutes later, it was over. The rescue attempt continued for over an hour. "Ironhide, retrieve the human!" Optimus commanded while using all his strength to brace against the tilting concrete slab. Soldiers grabbed, pulled and threw the debris any way they could to retrieve their own from the devastated office structure.

"I can't believe one blast could bring the entire building down," Major Lennox panted, wiping at his sweat covered brow before grabbing another piece of broken concrete and rebar. His uniform was dirty and blood spotted from rescues.

"A Cybertronian blast yo," Mudflap's voice echoed from the hole made in the rubble. Smallest bot on base during the attack, he had been sent down a gap to rescue while his twin above guided him with their advanced sensors. "Last one coming out," he handed up a dusty grey covered suit wearing human.

"Director Galloway," Optimus' optics narrowed.

"He's online, minor scratch across his skull plating." Ironhide confirmed, scanning him as the quiet form lay across his large black armored hands.

"His requirement to not use our advanced technology, even warning sensors unless we share them could have prevented the surprise of this attack. Or temporary shields to let the humans escape but he insisted on military war uses only," their leader growled, glancing over at the three covered human bodies. Skids grabbed his twin's metal armored servos, pulling him from beneath the rubble. Both hopped away as Optimus released the concrete slab, nearly half the building's floor for that level. The dust rose and they stepped back, sealing air vents for protection.

"Shoulda left him in there, find his own way out," Mudflap grumbled, pulling pieces of debris out of his brother's armor plating.

"Throw out a plane no chute," Skids added. "Nobody want him."

"Peace," Optimus commanded. "We will abide by their decisions, even his. Our focus should be assisting them in repairs and rebuilding."

Ironhide walked away, careful not to jar the unconscious man. He curled his metal fingers around him, stepping past the human medics intent on their triage.

::First Aid, can you treat a human?:: Ironhide

::Yes but I was told I was not needed. Human medics were handling it and there were enough Autobots to help with the rescue:: First Aid

::Special case:: Ironhide sent a data burst with the relevant information.

:You sure about this?:: First Aid

::It is for his own good. The humans are busy and Optimus is angry. We had better take care of him ourselves:: Ironhide sent then closed he comm line as he approached the Autobot med bay building.

First Aid, his red and white armor spotless, strode into view. His hands cradled Galloway. "Be back in two hours, he will be sleepy. I will provide pain medication for later in the evening and any signs of problems and you bring him back immediately, understand?"

The ancient warrior nodded, systems still heightened from the surprise attack. "We have all base personnel accounted for and Skywarp teleported Starscream out. I need to check on Mikeala."

Two hours later, he returned to med bay, retrieving a sleeping Galloway. The man was clean and wrapped in a human med gown, bandages covering the areas. Ironhide carried him to the human guest quarters, seeing him safely installed in one of the rooms there by the human soldiers.

He smirked at the small box setting on his palm. Chromia's alt mode raced around the corner, slowing and stopping at his feet. Transforming, parts folded and shifted into her dark blue bi pedal mode. He felt the twinge of pain in her spark. One of the humans killed had been a civilian researcher and good friends with her, another being she grieved over.

"Hey handsome," she touched her lip plates to his then accepted the small box. Opening it, her optics narrowed. 'What are those?"

"Present for your collection, a unique set," he stated. He alone knew of her secret collection of parts and pieces of their enemies. Not as trophies but as a reassurance when the darkness of the war threatened to overwhelm her processors. She could pull the container from subspace and recount the enemies destroyed, never to hurt her or her teammates ever again. Or those no longer a threat yet still online. "Those two round objects are human made. What did you do?"

"Nothing much," he said. "I got him fixed."

"Who?"

"Director Galloway. It was for his own good. Make him less likely to be abandoned," Ironhide explained.