Author: QueenC
Feedback: queenc@hotpop.com
Rating: PG (if that)
Pairing(s): None, really. Hints at Severus/Remus.
Disclaimer: J. K. Rowling is the Goddess of the Potterverse. I am not her.
Distribution: Anywhere I send it. If anyone else wants it just let me know.
Spoilers: Through OotP.
Summary: Severus reflects on some parts of his life he'd rather forget.
Author's Note: Okay, so this idea came to me when an interesting fact in OotP was brought to my attention. Basically, according to the timeline, Regulus Black was killed by Voldemort for wanting to quit the Death Eaters about the same time that Severus turned to Dumbledore for help. As I believe in coincidences, but don't trust them in the slightest, this little plot bunny was born. Words in italics are emphasized. Enjoy!
Special Thanks: To Leanne, for giving this bunny some major doses of growth potion. You rock my face off, hun! *g*
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I wish I could say for certain why I am doing this. I would like to believe it is because of some need I feel to finally set the record straight. However, both you and I would know that to be a lie. At no point in our years of acquaintance did either of us ever express a need to understand the other.
And I never once regretted that decision.
Nor do I regret it now, really. Although, I do find myself wondering at times if perhaps it could have turned out differently. If I hadn't been so convinced of my beliefs, or if you had been a bit more forgiving with yours, perhaps we could have actually have been, dare I say it? Friends.
I realize how truly bizarre that sounds, and believe me when I say that I would rather eat razor blades than admit such a thing out loud. But that doesn't mean that it isn't the truth, however disturbing it may seem.
Of course, had we been friends, or even mere acquaintances, there is a strong chance a great many things would have turned out differently in our lives. And there is an even stronger chance you would have died at quite a young age.
Just as Regulus did.
I know that you blamed me for that. Even though you never said it, for reasons which I cannot begin to fathom considering you never refrained yourself from saying anything and everything else, I could tell that you felt I was to blame. And you were right Ð in a way.
Regulus died for many reasons, the least being his determination to cease following the Dark Lord. He was young and convinced he was invincible, and therefore acted accordingly.
You remember those days, don't you? When we all somehow, even through the darkest of times, managed to convince ourselves we would live forever? I know I certainly remember. In fact, I make it a point to never forget.
Of course, the reality of mortality was shattered perhaps a bit sooner than it was for you. You see, I found it quite difficult to believe I could never truly be harmed after I nearly being mauled to death by a werewolf.
Although, I'm certain you already knew that.
Just as I hope that you somehow knew, even if only on some subconscious level, that I never intentionally caused Regulus' death. Nor did I lead him down the path of darkness. His parents were quite capable of doing that on their own.
I did, however, attempt to show him the error of his ways. And that is how I am partially to blame for his death.
You see, he was killed in an attempt to keep me safe.
Bizarre? Yes. Difficult to believe? Incredibly so. However, it is the truth. Regulus Black faced the Dark Lord and announced for all present to hear that he was the only person who had second doubts about the campaign. That, when his dear cousin Bellatrix had spotted us speaking in the Hog's Head, I was attempting to sway him to remain loyal.
Amazing really. Regulus was worse at Occulmency than Harry Potter, yet he managed to fool one of the most powerful Legilimens in existence when it truly mattered.
I wish that I could state that I felt true guilt over his death. That his murder was the deciding factor in turning my back on everything I had been raised to believe. But, that would be a lie that even I am incapable of telling.
My reasons for asking Albus for assistance are mine, and I doubt I will ever feel the need to explain them to anyone. Instead, I will merely state that, while it wasn't the deciding factor, Regulus' death did contribute.
Perhaps now you see his death wasn't in vain. Although I'm certain you find that fact far from comforting.
Of course, that wasn't my intention here. No, my intention was merely to tell you the truth. Perhaps then you may rest in peace. Or, at the very least, I will finally be capable of finding the redemption that has eluded myself for so very long. So, I will state it once more, because I'm certain that you are still the very definition of a dunderhead.
Regulus died attempting to save me as I had attempted to save him. He still believed in the teachings of the Dark Lord. But neither of us believed in the tactics. And I was not responsible for his decision to become a Death Eater.
Which means that your choice to trick me into being bitten or killed by Remus Lupin was what I had always claimed Ð a trick that was nothing more than cruelty manifested.
And I do believe that now it is time I cease with this pointless monologue and leave this place before I am discovered. However, before I leave, I wish to say one more thing.
I am sorry for the loss of your brother, Sirius Black. I do wish that things had turned out differently, if only so I could be certain he is not suffering in some afterlife I'm not even convinced exists. And, as per our unspoken agreement to forever hate one another, I wish the precise opposite for you.
Severus Snape
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Severus sighed, looking past the letter in his hand to the gravesite he was standing in front of. It had been far more difficult to read the words out loud than it had been to put them on parchment. However, now that it was done, he couldn't help but feel a bit relieved. Perhaps now he could live the rest of his life in peace, knowing he'd finally told his lifelong enemy what had truly happened with the young Regulus.
Giving a slight snort, Severus bunched the letter up and glowered at the tombstone. "This is the final time I allow Remus to convince me to attempt to 'let go of my past'," he snarled at the grave. "Even if it means he will force me to sleep on the couch for Merlin only knows how long."
And with that, he turned on his heel and strode away from the plain gravesite with the tombstone which simply read:
Taken from us by cruelty
May you finally find peace
Our beloved Padfoot
The End.
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