Being a soldier is bittersweet. You are taught to be fearless, to stare death straight in the face without question since the first day of training. You are expected to be able to deal with death when it happens all around you and to move on without faltering.
Yet you are also expected to never abandon your squad, you are expected to inspire them and form a strong connection of teamwork with them. Most Commanders never reach this level or harmony with their squad, to be close with them but strong at the same time. It's usually one way or another.
Death for soldiers is common. And as a commander I should know that better than anyone. But recently I have been feeling like I was thrown back into the first day of training. I was nervous, unsure if I should really be here, and fearful to lose the friends that I had made. This was nothing uncommon, most soldiers felt this way at first. But Commanders that were expected to lead the galaxy to victory? Definitely not.
I knew when I gathered my team there would be no way that we would all come out of this alive, hell I already had to throw Ashley to those things on Horizon before, and that was only the beginning.
When the Illusive man told me to collect the people on the dossiers, I didn't' just view them as recruits. They became my best friends. I know I shouldn't have gotten so attached to them, sometimes I wish I had just kept all of the relationships I had strictly professional, only talking to them when it was business…But I know that if I did that, my team wouldn't be half as strong as they are now. The bonds we formed are the things that keep us strong. And right now I am feeling like that those bonds are the only things keeping the Reapers from breaking me.
During the suicide mission, I was given a sort of false hope. My whole team survived the mission, the Normandy crew included in this. I was able to save all of the people I cared about then, and escape with hardly a scratch on anyone. That was the first, and last large moral boost I got.
For a few shining moments, I actually thought it might start to get easy, that we could take on anything at all now that he had conquered the collector base. But as soon as the Batarian relay exploded…I was brought back to reality. People were going to die. My friends were going to die. People I loved were going to die. That was just the reality of the situation.
After the Batarian relay I was grounded and everyone went their separate ways…I had no means of contacting any of them. I got reunited with all of them and they all were doing their part to fight against the Reapers. They all seemed fine…Strong as ever.
But something had to give. And I would have to learn how to say goodbye.