Spoiler Warnings: Doctor Who episodes "City of Death", "Invasion of Time", "Warrior's Gate" (minor spoilers of all 3), Fawlty Towers episodes "The Rat", "The Psychiatrist", "The Kipper and the Corpse".

(Featuring the 4th Doctor, Adric, and the characters from "Fawlty Towers")

Chapter Bgn Notes: This chapter occurs between the Season 18 Doctor Who stories "Warriors' Gate" and "Keeper of Traken"and shortly after Fawlty Towers Season 2.

England, 1980….

Basil Fawlty was managing the reception desk of his hotel/restaurant Fawlty Towers in a scenic location in England, when several ladies with unusually large eyebrows walked into the hotel lobby.

"Good afternoon, ladies, and welcome to Fawlty Towers," said Basil, "Do you have a booking?"

"Booking for what?" asked one of the women.

"For a room, to stay the night," said Basil, "One would assume that I was referring to hotel accomodation bookings, since we don't run races or give medical checkups or psychiatric sessions."

"Not even for you Basil," came the droll voice of his wife Sybil, entering the room, "If you recall, we did have at least one psychiatrist staying here in 1975. Still that was four years ago."

"We are not here for this… accomodation," said one of the ladies, "I am Ann, and we would like to have a table at your restaurant."

"And your surname, please," said Basil.

"Drowgum," said the lady.

"Will you require an aperitif?" asked Basil.

"Our English is not very good. We come from Spain. We've been staying there for a while, learning Spanish," said another lady.

"I see," said Basil with a somewhat sarcastic sneer, "You come from Spain where you've been learning their language, and now you're in England where you haven't yet learned ours. Well don't let it put you off. Our Spanish waiter from Barcelona, Manuel has been here for several years and he's still learning our language too. Feel free to speak Spanish to him when you place your orders, and it might actually improve his delivery skills."

"Don't be rude to the guests, Basil. I'd hate to have to tell them why you're never taking me on another holiday to Spain," said Sybil, "Come this way, ladies. I believe we have a table free on the side of the dining room furthest from the windows. Still I expect you'll enjoy a good walk outside after you've dined, and you can take in the scenery then."

"And take you off with them," mumbled Basil.

"What was that, dear?" asked Sybil with a tone of inquisition.

"And you'll take off with them…. Have the afternoon off," said Basil, wondering why he hadn't found the fibre within himself to break his habit of resorting to insults and instead reign in his dominant woman wife.

Soon Sybil had the ladies seated at a table, and asked Manuel to fetch two extra chairs and then begin taking their orders.

"You can address these customers in Spanish, if you wish, Manuel," added Sybil, "They've been speaking Spanish while they were in Spain."

"Si, Mrs Fawlty," said Manuel.

The Doctor was coming to the end of his fourth life, although he didn't know that yet. He and his latest companion Adric had recently said farewell to Romana and the second K9 unit, leaving them in a place best described as another dimension. It was named E-space. Adric had come from E-space and chosen to travel with the Doctor in his TARDIS.

The Doctor had previously left the first K9 on his home planet Gallifrey with Leela and her boyfriend Andred. Now he'd parted with another K9 and a timelady too. For the first time since Steven Taylor, his only passenger was a boy. The Doctor was thinking about taking a trip to Traken, when it occurred to him that it would be nice to go to earth again too.

"Do you know, Adric, I've run out of jellybabies? There's only one planet in the universe where you can buy them, and we could stop off for some lunch too…. if we arrive at lunch time," said the Doctor.

"Do you think the TARDIS can manage it?" asked Adric.

"Well of course she can manage it. Take no notice, old thing," said the Doctor, patting the console.

In the Fawlty Towers dining room, Manuel took up a pencil and paper and addressed the ladies in perfect Spanish.

What would you like for your main course? asked Manuel.

You with a mixture of seasonings said Miss Drowgum.

Carumba! said Manuel.

Is there a problem? Do you not have seasonings here? asked Miss Drowgum.

You want to eat me! said Manuel.

You look young and tender, but please to shave off the moustache first. We do not like hairy flesh said Miss Drowgum.

Having heard Manuel's earlier scream, both Basil and Sybil Fawlty entered the room.

"I'm sorry, is something the matter?" asked Sybil.

She want to eat me! said Manuel.

"In English, Manuel," said Sybil.

"But you tell me to speak in Spanish."

"Only to the Spanish guests, Manuel. The rest of us still manage to get by on the more local dialect," said Basil, raising his voice to speak above a strange grinding noise that was suddenly heard in the lobby.

"She say she want to eat me!" said Manuel.

"You must have lost something in translation," said Sybil, and then turning to the guests added, "Can I try taking your order in English, please?"

"I would like to have Manuel with mixed seasoning," said Ann.

"Nothing lost in translation there, Sybil," said Basil, "I'm sorry ladies. As unfamiliar with Spanish customs as we are, here in England we tend to order animal and vegetable food and let the waiters stick to serving it."

"But they're not discussing Spanish customs. They're discussing Androgum customs. Androgums are known for treating human beings as a delicacy. I saw enough of that when I met some of them in my second life while he was meeting with his sixth life," said the Doctor, entering the room. (See the Colin Baker / Patrick Troughton story "The Two Doctors". The grinding noise in the lobby had been the arrival of the TARDIS).

"I'm sorry. Does everyone here need a psychiatrist except me?" said Basil.

"I haven't seen a psychiatrist for centuries," said the Doctor, "My last psychiatrist thought my counsellor should see a shrink. I'm the Doctor, and this is my young friend Adric, and your guests are a threat to your safety, mainly because they have rather persistent designs on eating you."

"Is there something inadequate about our regular menu?" asked Basil, "By the way, Doctor, I'm sure I've seen you somewhere before. What's your name?"

"I told you. I'm the Doctor."

"Well so was the man who insisted on having sausages just after a man died here, but he also had a Christian name and a surname," said Basil.

"He's just called the Doctor," said Adric, "That's his entire name."

"Well I am the Proprietor, and as disappointing as it's been trying to train Manuel, I don't plan to outplace him as the special of the day for a tribe of Spanish speaking canibals," said Basil, "You ladies can either order something on the menu or go and catch your own fish."

Ann Drowgum (the head Androgum) reached under her dress to a sheath on her leg and took out an enormous knife.

"I say, I thought I'd seen the last of those things when Leela left," said the Doctor.

Suddenly a loud gunshot was heard, and Ann Drowgum dropped the knife and began clutching her wrist in pain.

"I say, Fawlty," said the Major, "I think that moose has come off the wall again. I was about to go out fox hunting after a spot of lunch, when I saw the moose sitting at that table with its big eyebrows."

"Are you really a Major?" said the Doctor, "I knew a Brigadier once. What you have just done is save several hotel staff from being filleted alive."

"He probably couldn't even see where he was aiming that thing," said Basil.

"The only way to get rid of them is to persuade them to follow me into the TARDIS," said the Doctor, "And preferably knock them out in the process. Then I can take them back to their home planet and leave them there."

"What on earth is a TARDIS?" asked Basil.

"It's my ship," said the Doctor, "It's just out in the lobby."

He led them out to see it, while the Androgums sat at the table, tending to the wound of their injured leader.

The staff of Fawlty Towers and the Major, now joined by Polly the waitress, stared at the TARDIS.

"And this police box is your ship?" asked Sybil, "How on earth did you get it in here?"

"It materialized," said the Doctor.

"It just looks like it's vanishing or reappearing," said Adric, sensing that these earthlings were even more unfamiliar with the Doctor's ways than he had been after a few adventures in E-space.

"Wait a minute," said Basil, "Now I know where I've seen both you and your vanishing box before. I was in Paris taking a vacation from my wife-"

"You really shouldn't put down your spouse," said the Doctor, "Some planets out there don't even have marriage, just existence. You should consider yourself lucky."

"You were there, in the middle of the Louvre Art Gallery!" said Basil, "You stepped into this thing and pulled some illusion to make it seem to disappear." (See John Cleese's cameo in "City of Death", Doctor Who Season 17).

"And just what were you doing at the Louvre without me?" asked Sybil.

"I was seeking inspiration to brighten up this place," said Basil.

"Never mind that now," said the Doctor, "We need to knock out the Androgums, get them into the TARDIS, take them to their home planet, find a place on earth where I can buy more jellybabies, place our own orders in your restaurant, find you two a good marriage counsellor and then plot our own course to Traken. Now do you have anything that would knock out an Androgum? They don't respond to earthly tranquilisers, you know, and they do have a remarkable tolerance to most of our poisons. Come to think of it, most earth poisons act like mere tranquilisers to Androgums. Do you have any on hand?"

"What about the rat poison we tried to use, when the health inspector was due for his return visit," said Sybil.

"Well it obviously didn't get the rat, Sybil. I could see that, as soon as he turned up in the tin of biscuits we offered the inspector. It took another few visits to clear that one up and satisfy him not to close us down."

"Rat poison! Perfect!" said the Doctor, "Grab as much leftover meat as you can, pile it all on a plate, and mix in the rat poison with plenty of the seasoning they wanted. I heard you discussing it just after we landed."

"Polly go and get Terry onto it," said Sybil.

"But Mrs Fawlty, are you sure? I mean…. rat poison!" said Polly.

"They're aliens," said Sybil.

"I'll help you choose seasonings to please Androgum tastes," said the Doctor, "I vaguely recall the choices that appealed to Shockeye when I was under their influence while my sixth self was searching for me. Adric, stay here and give us a shout if the Androgums try anything."

Basil, Sybil, Polly, the Major and Manuel headed for the kitchen to show their chef that the staff were in complete agreement about the need to mix rat poison into food, and thus make sure Terry made no arguments.

"Try these ones," said the Doctor, selecting several jars of Masterfoods herbs and spices from the rack on the kitchen wall, "They were recommended by Mrs Beeton when I visited her kitchen. She's really much better than that Naked Chef I once met in your future. Fancy cooking a meal on television without your clothes on. He certainly wouldn't want Androgums gatecrashing his program."

"Everybody start unscrewing the lids and pour the spices onto the meat platter," said Sybil.

They had almost finished when Adric indeed gave a loud shout.

The Doctor and the Major ran out into the dining room to see that the Androgums had hoisted Adric onto the table and were about to each bite into one of his limbs.

"You can't do that. He hasn't been seasoned yet. Let us take him into the kitchen and bring out your first course while you wait. Don't spice it any more!" called the Doctor, "Just bring it out now!"

While the Major and the Doctor quickly hauled Adric off the table, with no resistance from the Androgums who were still in mortal fear of the Major's prowess with a shotgun. They took him to the kitchen and gave him some water to calm his nerves. Polly and Manuel served the platter of meat to the Androgums, who tucked in heartily, each swallowing enough rat poison to end history's most famous rat plague. Soon they had all fallen into a deep sleep. Then, aided by the staff of Fawlty Towers, the Doctor and Adric dragged the Androgums into the TARDIS.

"We'll return a few hours in your future, to give your chef time to whip up a nice human repast for us," said the Doctor.

He and Adric entered the TARDIS and set the coordinates for the women's home planet. They arrived, heaved them out the doors, and then returned to Fawlty Towers and enjoyed some of Terry's finest cooking.

"Now about your marriage counselling," said the Doctor to Basil in a low voice, while Sybil was managing the reception desk, "There's this marvelous clinical psychologist who's been keeping my old friends Ian and Barbara on an even keel after their time with my first self almost completely unhinged them."

"Sometimes I think that I would have married Polly in another life," said Basil.

"I know how you feel," said the Doctor, "I sometimes think I would have married Romana in another life, or at least, in one of my other lives."

The Doctor gave Basil the psychologist's card, after sorting it out from several other items in the pockets of his long maroonish red coloured coat. Then they took off, materialized undetectably around a real London police box in London, and used some of the Doctor's earth currency reserves to buy several bags of jelly babies from Woolworths.

"We must try this trick with another police box soon," said the Doctor, "I've been meaning to take some measurements to give to the Logopolitans when I get the chameleon circuit serviced." (Which he did, two stories later in "Logopolis").