"I smiled and raised my arms straight out, as if I were going to dive, lifting my face into the rain. But it was too ingrained from years of swimming at the public pool-feet first, first time. I leaned forward, crouching to get more spring…"
I opened my eyes to a familiar place. Aware on some corner of my conscious that I was dreaming, I recognized the green light of the forest. I could hear the waves crashing against the rocks in the distance. And I knew that if I could find the ocean I could see the sun. I was trying to follow the sound, but then Jake was there, reaching for my hand, stepping backwards into the darkest part of the forest.
"Jacob?" I asked
His face was frightened as he silently begged me to follow. I didn't want to go into the dark. He whispered something I could not hear.
Suddenly, shaking Jake fell to the dim forest floor. He twitched on the ground as I watched in horror. In his place appeared a large red brown wolf with black eyes. He faced away from me towards the shore, the hair on the back of his shoulders bristling.
I turned to search the trees, my breath caught in my chest. My eyes darted around, trying to see through the shadows that my week human eyes couldn't penetrate. In a single moment my heart froze, as Victoria stepped out from the trees, her skin glowing, her eyes black and dangerous. I took a wobbly step backwards. She smiled then; her teeth were sharp, pointed.
The wolf launched himself across the space between me and the vampire, fangs aiming for the jugular.
"NO!" I screamed, wrenching upright out of my bed. It was still dark. I glanced over at my clock. It was five thirty in the morning.
I groaned, fell back, and rolled onto my face. I was too uncomfortable to get anywhere near sleep though. I could feel the braid in my hair, an uncomfortable ridge on the back of my skull. I turned onto my side and ripped the rubber band out, quickly combing through the knots with my fingers and pulled the pillow over my head.
I tried to push away the dream. It was the same every night. My mind was beginning to clear, but I still couldn't remember what day of the week it was. I was sure Charlie or Jacob would be waiting for me.
It was hard to argue with the part of me that was sure yesterday was a bad dream. Images flashed across my mind. I was going to have to face them now. I sat up and my head spun for a minute as my blood flowed downward. First things first, I thought to myself, happy to put it off as long as possible. I grabbed for my bathroom bag and headed down the hall.
The shower didn't help much. The sensation of water on my skin only made the memory stronger, the images began swirling around my mind, pounding, trying to claw their way out. As I stood under the hot water I took a deep breath, and let them surface.
I had stepped out to the edge, keeping my eyes on the empty space in front of me. My toes felt ahead blindly, caressing the edge of the rock when they encountered it. I drew in a deep breath and held it…waiting.
In the instant that I heard his voice, everything became clear. For that brief moment, when his voice came from some other part of me than my conscious memory, when his voice was perfect and honey smooth rather than the pale echo my memories usually created, I was able to remember without pain. Like my head had suddenly surfaced out of some dark pool. I was more aware of everything — sight, sound, the feel of the cold air blowing sharply against my face. I smiled, releasing my breath. He was so real. The memory of his velvet voice sang clear in my mind. It was angry.
I felt a moment of triumphant satisfaction consume me. Anger, that's what I wanted to hear — false, fabricated evidence that he cared, a dubious gift from my subconscious. And it strengthened my determination. He wanted me to have a full life; he wanted me to stay human. Well, humans are stupid and reckless.
"Don't do this." He pleaded
You wanted me to be human…Watch me. I thought throwing my jacket to the ground.
"Please, for me."
You won't stay with me any other way.
"Please." It was just a whisper in the blowing rain that tossed my hair and drenched my clothes-making me as wet as if this were my second jump of the day. I leaned forward crouching to get more spring.
"No Bella!" I froze. Something was wrong. My heart began to pound in my chest. His voice.. it wasn't right. I closed my eyes and strained to hear him again.
"No!" It was louder now, but something in it was wrong. The angelic voice was being drowned out by another. It was deeper, and rough compared to the harmonic song still lingering in my mind, and it began to overpower. I could feel the anger rising up in my chest, trying to force the intruder out of my mind. I wasn't ready to let go yet.
I want to be stupid and reckless. I want to break promises too. It was senseless, but I really didn't care. I was going to be as reckless as I could possibly manage in Forks. I won't be the only keeper of an empty contract.
"Stop
Go Away! My mind screamed at strange new voice.
I could now make out the thudding of feet from behind. They were quick and heavy but somehow natural. But they couldn't stop me. I sucked in another gulp of air and leaned forward.
A moment later I felt the hot sensation of two rough hands wrapping around my waste. In one quick jerk he was gone, stolen from me. The angelic melody had been ripped from my skull. Nothing but a deafening silence remained. In that one moment my whole existence was ripped away, and the real world came forcing me back to the ground.
I never spent much time on myself in the mornings, but I took the time to blow dry my hair. I tried to force my concentration on what I was doing. But I was soon out of things to do in the bathroom. Wrapped in a towel, I crossed back to my room. I remembered Jacob's ridiculous lecture on how stupid I was for cliff diving alone.
"Didn't you notice that it's turning into a hurricane out there? What would have happened if you hit your head on a rock, huh? Why didn't you wait for me? Like it isn't enough with that damn blood sucker after you I now have to worry about you going out and almost killing yourself for some sort of rush!"
I rolled my eyes. It hadn't taken him long that day to change his tone. I remembered how close we had come to kissing last night in his car and shivered. I almost wanted to, and that confused me. There was only one person I would ever want, and he was gone. But two distinct words still burned in my head.
"Be Happy."
I replayed the moment in my head, lacking the perfect clarity of my hallucination. They were just words, soundless, like the print on a page. Just words, but they ripped the hole wide open, blistering as it went.
I knew I shouldn't be angry with Jake, but I was only human. I knew I had scared him when he saw me steeping towards the edge of the cliff. He was only protecting me, but I couldn't help feeling robbed of my time with… him. I had almost seen him! A shiver ran down my spine and I shook the memory from my mind. I would never get through the day if I let myself go any further.
As much as I struggled not to think of him, I also struggled not to forget. I worried — late in the night, when the exhaustion of sleep deprivation broke down my defenses — that it was all slipping away. That my mind was a sieve, and I would someday not be able to remember the precise color of his eyes, the feel of his cool skin, or the texture of his voice. I could not think of him, but I must remember him. Because there was just one thing that I had to believe to be able to live — I had to know that he existed. That was all. Everything else I could endure. So long as he existed.
The hole in my heart began to ache. Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget; it was a hard line to walk. It didn't feel like the pain had weakened over time; rather that I'd grown strong enough to bear it. I wished I could feel numb again, but I couldn't remember how I'd managed it before.
As if he'd never existed. That was insanity. It was a promise that he could never keep, a promise that was broken as soon as he'd made it. He could steal my pictures and reclaim his gift but that didn't put things back the way they were before id met him. The physical evidence was the most insignificant part of the equation. I was changed, my insides altered almost past the point of recognition.
And where was the logic in sticking to an agreement that had already been violated by the other party? Reckless in Forks — now there was a hopeless proposition. To be reckless in Forks takes a lot of creativity — maybe more than I had. But I wished I could find another way… I might feel better if I weren't holding fast, all alone, to a broken pact.
I wondered how long this could last. Maybe someday, years from now — if the pain would just decrease to the point where I could bear it — I would be able to look back on those few short months that would always be the best of my life. And, if it were possible that the pain would ever soften enough to allow me to do that, I was sure that I would feel grateful for as much time as he'd given me. More than I'd asked for, more than I'd deserved. Maybe someday I'd be able to see it that way.
But what if the hole never got better? If the raw edges never healed? If the damage was permanent and irreversible?
The sound of Charlie coughing dragged me back to reality, and I suddenly felt sick with guilt over my cliff dive. Keeping him from suffering was the whole reason I was trying to act normal. Charlie was already at his wits end with me. He was getting less sleep then I was, and the constant worrying was getting to him. When I would start to scream in the middle of the night, He didn't come in to see what was wrong anymore, to make sure there was no intruder strangling me -he was used to it now.
I pulled on a pair of black pants and a sweater before making my way down the stairs. My pain would have to wait. Today I had to focus on Charlie. He was my priority.
Two hours later I followed him outside and Climbed into the passenger seat of his cruzer. It was only 15 min to the reservation. As we drove, I stared out the window watching the dense green forest pass by. I didn't know how I was going to survive the day. How could I face all those people? Funerals are always hard, but when you're the one responsible for the pain they were unbearable. Harry Clearwater was dead because of me. Everyone knew it, And I was going to have to face the entire tribe. How could I look them in the eyes? Would they even allow me inside?
As well pulled up in front of the small brown house, my stomach began to turn. All of La Push had shown up. The house was way too small for such a big group, so they had all congregated in the front yard. I tried my best to slide out of the car silently. Hoping I might be lucky enough to go unnoticed, I wasn't so lucky. My heart jumped when I heard the sound of Charlie's door slamming closed behind me, And looked up to see a tribe of werewolves staring right at me.
A/N: Hey everyone! Im not the best at remembering to write, but if you leave a review Ill know it's worth continuing.
~RavenStories