Note: No ninjas ACTUALLY abused drugs, got drunk, or had their fingers snapped off in the making of this fic.
All characters (besides Gildergn, Uvinkyu, and Edward Elric) © Masashi Kishimoto. Bow down to him, ya'fools.
Edward © Hiromu Arakawa.
Gildergn and Uvinkyu © themselves.
- - -
"Christmas party?" Sasuke didn't even try to hide the disgust in his voice as he glared down at the colorful invitation in his hand. Snow was falling softly, covering the ground with a thin layer of glittering white flakes. "Hosted by that idiot Naruto? And...'Secret Santa?' I'm not buying anyone anything. No way." He crumpled up the paper, tossing it over his shoulder. "No frickin' way."
But before he could walk away, a hand closed tightly around his wrist. Itachi had appeared seemingly out of nowhere, and he was now dragging Sasuke off.
"Stop touching me!" Sasuke protested, trying to escape. "No matter how many sick, twisted fanfics you've read, I am NOT gay with you! Let me go! What the hell do you think you're—" He fell silent as Itachi slammed Sasuke's head against the side of a building, knocking Sasuke out cold.
"We're going to a Christmas party," was all Itachi said.
- - -
That was why Sasuke was sitting in a chair, clad in the signature red and white outfit of Santa Claus. Fuming, he remembered how Itachi had freakin' kidnapped him and dressed him in the ridiculous clothes. They were almost as bad as that black body suit he loved to wear.
And so, that was why he was glaring sullenly at everyone who would dare to meet his gaze. That was why he was even at the stupid party in the first place. His hands were bound to the armrests of the chair, and his wrists were beginning to throb due to the tightness of the rope...and the fact that he had slit them the night before in his usual "emo ritual."
The party was already quite crowded, and Sasuke had been sitting there sulking for the past twenty minutes as more and more people arrived.
About ten minutes after the party had started, Kakashi stepped into the overcrowded room, placing a random CD player down on the ground, plugging it into the wall, and pressing "PLAY."
"Kakashi-sensei, you're late..." Naruto began to whine, but he closed his mouth once the music started.
It was the Vonage song.
"THIS IS MY FAVORITE SONG!" Naruto burst out, grinning gleefully as he triumphantly threw his hands into the air.
"Kill me..." Sasuke hissed, shifting uncomfortably in the Santa outfit. "Somebody please just kill me..." The constantly repeating chorus of "Whoo-hoo-whoo-hoo-hoo" from the Vonage song was beginning to completely piss him off. Plus - he was dressed as Santa against his will, and his normal "I'm going to kill you, biatch" disposition didn't help lighten his mood.
Naruto stepped cautiously over to Sasuke, raising an eyebrow. "Nice suit, Sasuke. Are you...uh...trying to seduce me...by wearing it...or something? 'Cause, I mean, we both know you're gay, and, uhm... Well... It's sorta...sexy on you...and...uhm, yeah..."
Sasuke's left eye began to twitch, but before he could reply, a loud fangirl shriek echoed off the walls, completely drowning out the Vonage song.
"Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! DATTEBAYO!"
(Irritated, Kakashi turned up the volume of the CD player.)
The source of the scream, a sugar-happy fangirly mass of energy, hurled herself at Naruto, glomping him.
Naruto froze, sniffing the air. His eyes widened in shock as he asked timidly, "Do you...have ramen...?"
The sugar-high freak (whose name was Uvin) grinned at Naruto, letting go of him and hopping excitedly from foot to foot. "No, I don't have any, but we could go get—" Her mouth fell open. She had turned her head, and was staring, completely frozen, at...
"NEJI!" Her scream rose above the music yet again as she flung herself into him.
Wincing, Kakashi turned up the music even louder. The entire building was shaking and the floor was vibrating violently because of the noise.
"Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo-whoo-hoo-hoo..." The song continued as Sasuke began to twitch visibly.
"I smelled ramen..." Naruto whined, gazing suspiciously at Uvin. "So..." He turned his attention back to Sasuke. "Do you like ramen?"
"Shut...the hell...up..." Sasuke hissed, trying to break free from the ropes tying his arms to the chair. "Itachi...is going to DIE for this..."
- - -
Several feet away, Neji grumbled, "I feel violated..." as he tried to detach himself from Uvin, who was clinging to him tightly. When he realized the situation was absolutely hopeless, he hissed, "Whatever you do...don't you DARE braid my hair..."
- - -
Hinata, meanwhile, was standing in a corner, giggling as she blushed bright red. Of course she was always blushing – Byakugan came in handy when you wanted to see through peoples' clothes...
Yes, Hinata was a closet pervert.
Shikamaru was hunched over in the other corner, clutching a needle tightly as he plunged it into his arm. He swiftly pulled it out, stuffing it into his pocket as he swallowed a handful of pills, letting out an uncharacteristic giggle. This was what he lived for – getting high (although most of the time he was incredibly "low").
- - -
Gaara had never gotten drunk before. He had never even tasted alcohol until Kankuro (who was already high since he had stolen some of Shikamaru's drugs) offered him a drink.
Shortly after, Gaara didn't know how many glasses he had drunk.
And he felt absolutely loopy.
Fighting to see clearly through his double vision, Gaara proceeded to watch his sand coil around one of Kankuro's fingers. With a lopsided, insane, drunken grin, Gaara clenched his hand shut.
A horrible snapping of bone was heard, and Kankuro screamed, "AAAAUGH! SON OF A B—"
Sighing, Kakashi raised the already deafening volume of the music as the song ended and a new one began ("Vonage – Funky Ninja Extreme Super Groovy Mofo Dance Mix").
And that was when Gai and Lee stepped through the door.