- This fire will consume me and melt my human flesh. Too bad they'll never see me burning at my best.-
I wish I could feel those emotions Dean felt. He cried when he lost Lisa. I miss crying.
Do I miss crying?
Can I miss anything?
I don't feel it. I don't feel the burning desire of lust or the sickening dread of an innocent death.
I don't feel remorse or sadness. I don't feel tired or happy or laughter.
I really miss laughter.
I miss loving my brother. Dean and Bobby and Cass were all I had as a family.
And I can't love them.
It hurts. I need to feel something. Anything. I dig deep, trying to find something. Something hopefully buried deep inside of me. I still have a heart.
But my heart doesn't beat but for life.
You know how they say the heart it the center of love?
They're fucking liars.
They're all fucking liars.
Dean doesn't trust me. I don't blame him. I don't trust myself.
I don't want to trust myself.
If I trust myself, I'll turn into the monster I've tried to fight for so long.
I can't let that happen. I'll die before I let that happen.
But who am I really kidding? I am a monster. Only a monster lets his brother almost gets killed by a bunch of vampires.
And the worst part is? I don't care.
I. Don't. Fucking. Care.
I just want to feel something again. Anything.
I want to love my brother.
I want proof that I'm me. That I'm not a monster. That Veritas is wrong. I am a human.
But she can't be wrong. She can't lie.
I'll get my soul back, Dean. For you. Just please don't give up on me.
If only I could mean that.
But no matter how badly I want to feel emotions again, no matter how much I ache to laugh, I don't want my soul back.
I'm not scared anymore. I'm stronger. I'm better.
And finally I can live up to my brother's expectations. I'm not the weak little Sammy that needs protecting.
I'm the one people need protected from.
End