Title: Romance 101: How To Make Your Childhood Friend Be Your Boyfriend (A Lesson with Kuroo Tetsurou and Bokuto Koutarou)
Pairing: TsukiYama, hinted KuroKen and BokuAka
Summary: Kuroo and Bokuto, love gurus, teaches Yamaguchi to escape the Friend Zone.
Word Count: 4304
Tsukishima never expected this kind of surprise. It's the bad kind of surprise. And he hated being surprised.
On the gym floor lays Kuroo Tetsurou, also known as one of the bane of Tsukishima's existence, and on the top of him is Yamaguchi Tadashi, also known as Tsukishima's one and only true friend. Really, when he open the door, he thought he'll see a practice game going on, but apparently not.
"TSUKI IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!" Yamaguchi yelled, scampering away from Kuroo, sporting a guilty face that screamed that it is what it looks like.
"No. Really, can you-" Kuroo made a gesture that waves his hands backward, like that you do when you see your pet dog following you, "-shoo away because we're kind of, you know, in the middle of something here." And he had the gall to look smug, and that irks Tsukishima further.
Tsukishima turned to his long-time friend, an unimpressed and annoyed glare thrown to him.
"We'll talk later."
Tsukishima exits.
"K-Kuroo-san! That's-" Yamaguchi started, but a wagging finger of Kuroo's stopped him.
"Nu-uh-uhh~" he said.
"Tetsurou-kun." Yamaguchi forcibly said. He felt awkward calling the name of an upperclassman, moreover, someone that he's not close to.
"That's right! Remember, that is the only condition I have for this arrangement."
'This arrangement' means that Kuroo would help Yamaguchi get together with Tsukishima and in return he would to do everything instructed by the older man.
"Don't worry, Tadashi-kun. I'll handle everything. All you need to do is follow my lead and you'll be together with your 'Tsukki' in no time." Kuroo said, swinging his arm around Yamaguchi's shoulder and leads him outside the room, Cheshire cat smile present on his face, clearly scheming something ridiculous.
Their earlier position was dictated by Kuroo after he saw Tsukishima made his way towards the room they are in before. To heat things up, he said. It'll be fun, he said.
It dawned to Yamaguchi that he did, in fact, just sold his soul to the devil that is Kuroo Tetsurou.
"Ohoho~" An owlish man stroked his non-existent beard as he laugh at Yamaguchi's predicament, seemingly enjoying every second of it.
"Ohoho indeed." Kuroo agreed.
One is enough and two is too much. Seems like Kuroo thinks it's fun to let Bokuto Koutarou in their little matchmaking game for the hell of it.
"But why?" Yamaguchi questioned.
"Akaashi is more, uh, Tsukki-ish, don't you think? That's why." Kuroo just said, as if it is a sufficient answer. Yamaguchi wants to answer that no, Akaashi is not 'Tsukki-ish' because Tsukki is very unique and no one could ever be compared to him, but he smartly decided against it.
Besides, he was pretty sure that Kuroo let Bokuto join just to play around.
"If you're sure." Yamaguchi just reluctantly agreed to stop the conversation.
"And now that we have sufficient intelligence-" Yamaguchi would like to disagree "-why don't we start the lesson? Shall we?" Kuroo said, mirth dancing on his eyes with a smile that could only mean trouble.
Yamaguchi is officially doomed.
Lesson 1: Principle of Least Interest
"Ya know, this might be why Tsukki seems to have more power this relationship," Bokuto said after reading a line on an article from the internet.
"Uhm. We're not in a relationship… yet."
"Ha! That's the spirit! But, shush. You're in a relationship. Friendship. And you're in the zone. The Friend Zone." Bokuto said, patting Yamaguchi's back a little too rough for the boy, as the three of them huddled in a corner of the room used for individual practice. In the background, they could hear Hinata and Kageyama's voice, maybe fighting again.
"Did you just Google-d 'how to escape the Friend Zone'?" Yamaguchi asked.
"Shh. This is just a guide. Teachers need lesson plans. This is it." Kuroo said, as he took in Yamaguchi's horrified face. "Anyway, here it goes: Principle of least interest is one of the indicators of power in interpersonal relationships. It suggests that the power lies in the hands of the person who cares the least about the relationship. Source, the Bible of knowledge, Wiki." Kuroo finished and let go of his- or Kenma's- gadget. Yamaguchi had an inkling that Nekoma's setter isn't happy about this.
"Basically, since glasses boy isn't that emotionally invested in the relationship, he seemed to have more power in it. So, all you need to do is care less." Kuroo said unthinkingly.
"Impossible!" Yamaguchi stressed. There's no way he could do that. "I thought you'll help me get together with him? Won't this make us even more… distant?"
"Look, it'll help in a long run. Plus, it's not as if you'll stop caring. Just, you know when Tsukki acts indifferent about things around him? Act like that!" Bokuto supplied.
"Why don't we test it? You need to talk with Tsukki, right? Act distant! As if ganging up with us isn't his business!" Kuroo said. He shared a high five with Bokuto, as if they just made the best of plans.
Yamaguchi is not amused.
"So, why are you with that cat guy?" Tsukishima said, not beating around the bush. 'Cat guy' is probably Kuroo, even if the whole Nekoma team is full of cat guys.
"Ahhm." Act aloof. Tell Tsukki this isn't his business. "I-it's na-none of yourrr bis-business." Yamaguchi stuttered.
Tsukishima's eyebrow went up impossibly high, clearly amused by his response and not at all upset by it.
"Huh. A minute with him and you're like this? Unbelievable. Stop hanging around with him. He's a bad influence." Tsukishima said and walked away.
"You might not even be on the Friend Zone." Bokuto whispered.
"Yea. Definitely in the Family Zone." Kuroo decided.
"Please stop." Yamaguchi lamented.
Lesson 2: Scarcity
"Spend some time away from your "friend" and do less for them. If they truly appreciate you, then your absence will make them miss you and want you more. This will increase their desire for you and their willingness to meet your needs back. If it doesn't, then they are just "not that into you"...and don't value you. Quote, unquote." Bokuto read.
"Are you sure you're not setting me up? Is that source even reliable?" Yamaguchi suspected.
They are talking away from the crowd as the others are eating there afternoon snack. It's the long break between the games and Kuroo thinks it's the best time to discuss their 'lesson'. Few steps away from them, two setters and a middle blocker sent suspicious glances on their direction.
"Oh! Oh! Oh!" Bokuto excitedly raised his hand, waving it like crazy as if he won't get their attention. "This is proven! It worked on Akaashi! One time, Akaashi didn't talk to me for days and I missed him terribly. When I asked him about it, he said 'I needed some space'." Bokuto provided.
'Isn't it just because you're annoying?' is a shared, but unvoiced thoughts of Kuroo and Yamaguchi.
For the next three days, Yamaguchi limited his conversation with Tsukishima as 'three times in the morning, five during practices, and four after practice', just like Kuroo had instructed. It was really, really hard to stop himself from bounding to where Tsukishima is and talked to him about the Big Dipper he saw last night and Asahi's sleep talking but he had endured it.
It was very painful. However, the moment that Tsukishima initiated their long conversation about Kageyama and Hinata's foolishness and Tanaka's embarrassing dive, made it all worth it. Additionally, Tsukishima's jive at Kuroo's bad attitude might sounded a little jealous in Yamaguchi's ears.
It was heaven.
"Eeehhehehe. Missing Tadashi-kun already?" Kuroo taunt Tsukishima as he saw the other searching the rows of practice rooms in the vicinity. Tsukishima made his way to him, gaze sizing him up.
"Where is he?" the other asked. Kuroo cocked his head on the side. He liked where this is going.
"How would I know?"
"You seem to be close to him nowadays." Tsukishima shrugged, making an apathetic face. Kuroo really, really like taunting him and was about to, but an arm slung over his shoulders stopped him.
"Is someone jealous?" Bokuto, his comrade, said beside Kuroo. A dark look passed over Tsukishima's face and the two felt excitement crawl on their skin.
"Stay away from him." Tsukishima said and he went away.
Bokuto and Kuroo shared a look and smirk.
Yamaguchi might have more chance than they thought.
Lesson 3: Competition
"Lesson Two is a big success." Kuroo said, a proud smile plastered on his face.
"Big, big success." Bokuto said, nodding his head nonstop.
"What are you talking about?" Yamaguchi eyes them suspiciously. He never really trusted their choices.
"Now, now. Don't stress over the unnecessary details, Tadashi-kun. We're gonna move on the next one." Kuroo replied and he made Yamaguchi and Bokuto sit closer to him. "We'll need some help."
"No! No. Why? Aren't you two enough?" Yamaguchi immediately rejected the idea. The more people knows his feelings towards Tsukishima, the more he won't have the courage to confess.
"Chill, bruh. They don't need to know the plan." Bokuto alleged.
"Yeah. Since you're gonna do all the work and the other person just need to go along with it." Kuroo finished.
"What work?"
"You're gonna make our glasses boy jealous."
Huh?
"Huh?" Yamaguchi just uttered.
"Very intelligent, Tadashi. I like that." Bokuto deadpanned and read the paragraph in the device the Kuroo held. "Look: Go out and make some other "friends" of the sex-" Bokuto and Kuroo snickered at the word, like the seven year olds that they mentally are, "-you are attracted to. Broaden your social network. Then, talk about these new friends with the friend you desire. People value more what they think they might lose. If you are "busy" with other people, you might just find your friend a bit more eager and motivated for your time and attention."
After a bit of "uuhm", Bokuto exclaimed.
"Hey, maybe we could skip this part."
"Non, non, non. It is vital part of our lesson." Kuroo disapproved.
"But Tsukki already-"
"Shh, that is not necessary." Kuroo placed his forefinger on Bokuto's lips to stop him from talking and Yamaguchi realized that they are pretty good friends because their friendship is already borderline gay.
"Wait. What's with Tsukki?" Yamaguchi asked, curious.
"It's nothing. Tsukki sees us as bad influences and not competitions, that's why. We need someone that could make Tsukki jealous."
"Ahhh." Yamaguchi and Bokuto said in chorus.
"So, anyone in your mind?" Kuroo asked for suggestions.
"I'd say Tsukki if he's not the one I'm in love with." Yamaguchi stubbornly said. Kuroo and Bokuto shared a sympathetic look.
"Oh! What about your cute manager?" Kuroo said.
"Kiyoko-san?" Yamaguchi asked. Kiyoko is a good choice since everyone would be jealous of him if he, at least, talked to the lady, but she's definitely out of his league.
"Not her! She's a goddess! Don't even think of associating your sorry ass with hers!" Kuroo said, clearly offended.
"Huh?!"
"He's saying, the younger one." Bokuto helpfully supplied.
"Oooh! Yachi-san!" Yamaguchi exclaimed. Yeah. Why didn't he thought about it? Yachi is pretty, kind, and close to him. Surely, Tsukki would notice them together.
"So? Let's try it!" Kuroo cried out.
At first it was a foolproof plan, but after a day of practically being with Yachi in every second that he could, knowing looks from Nishinoya and Tanaka, and intense stare from Kiyoko and an unsuspecting Tsukishima, Yamaguchi gave up.
"Tsukki might know that you're gay and that's why he's not threatened." Bokuto said, again, stroking his none existent beard while analyzing why their foolproof (clearly not) plan doesn't work.
"Hmmm. Who is in the top of Tsukki's List of Annoying People?" Kuroo said after thinking for a while.
"Uh. After you and Bokuto-san, probably Kageyama and Hinata." Kuroo and Bokuto just shrugged, the response is really expected.
"Maybe you should hang around them?" Bokuto asked.
"Yea. Let's give it a try." Kuroo seconded.
Come evening, Tsukishima is in a Very Bad Mood and if it is because Kuroo had managed to slam the ball on the back on his head, or when Hinata and Kageyama tripped him out while they are fighting, or if it is because he's actually jealous that Hinata, Kageyama, and Yamaguchi shared a three man hug after winning against the three second years, no one will ever know.
They are currently eating their dinner at the camp, with Bokuto and Yamaguchi sitting over the Nekoma's table. Kenma is sitting on the other side of Kuroo, nervous with the two strangers near his friend. Bokuto is always with Kuroo but the other, Kenma always remembered him as 'the float server with the glasses friend', he's not sure. He doesn't know why he's with Kuroo and doesn't know what they're talking about.
From the Karasuno's table. Sugawara is worriedly looking at Yamaguchi on the other table and to Tsukishima, who is visibly irritated. Hinata's questions isn't really helping either.
"Yo, Tsukishima! Why is Yamaguchi always hanging out with Kuroo-san and Bokuto-san? I mean, Kuroo-san's a really good blocker and Bokuto-san's a really good player, well, he's in the top five right? Maybe he's already tired of your prissy face? I mean, Bokuto-san is really great! And Kenma always talk about Kuroo-san so he can't be that bad right?" Hinata said while shoving a spoon full of rice in his mouth, grains flying everywhere.
Tsukishima looked disgusted and more irritated and never answered him. Sugawara sees Kageyama nodding beside Hinata and the ginger head is preparing for another round of chit-chat, and Sugawara decided to give Tsukishima a break.
"Hinata, don't speak while eating. Talk after you're done."
Hinata kept quiet but Tsukishima isn't less irritated. Oh well. He just wished Yamaguchi would just go back to his place beside Tsukishima to ease it all away.
Lesson4: Ben Franklin Effect
"A person who has done or completed a favor for someone is more likely to do another favor for that person than they would be if they had received a favor from that person, says here." Bokuto reads over Kuroo's shoulder.
"So, you just need him to do things for you. Hey, Kenma. Could you pass the salt to me?" Kuroo called, and the other pass over the salt. "Thanks!"
"Wow. How could you do that? Akaashi never did that to me." Bokuto said, jealous.
"Tsukki too." Yamaguchi said across Kuroo and in front of Kenma. Kenma scuffled under the gaze of the strangers.
"Hmm. Maybe you should ask Tsukki to practice with you?" Bokuto suggested.
"I don't think so. Tsukki is already practicing with you, so he'll just turn down my invitations. Plus, I don't want him to be too tired." Yamaguchi declined.
"If it's in the morning practice, it'll be okay, right? Since we practice in the evening." Bokuto insisted. Kuroo nods beside him, so Yamaguchi agreed.
"Eh. Tsukki. Could you, you know, slow down?" Yamaguchi said, dragging his pace at arm length behind Tsukishima. They are currently having the morning run around the block. The seniors go the other way, the juniors jogged earlier and now are stretching. So that leaves Tsukishima and Yamaguchi with Hinata and Kageyama that are currently screaming at each other while running. How they do that without losing their oxygen supply, Yamaguchi doesn't know.
"Why?" Tsukishima glanced at him, a little aloof.
"Eh. Want to practice together?" Yamaguchi asked. He wished Tsukishima would agree. If he decline, maybe he'll be hurt. A little. Or a lot.
"Why not practice with Kuroo and Bokuto? Aren't you always with them?" Tsukishima said without looking at him, jogging at a faster pace. Yamaguchi run faster to catch up with him.
"Uh. No. I-"
"What? They didn't agree so you're running to me so you won't be alone? Why not just practice with those two dumb idiots? They'll like that."
"Tsukki, I want-"
"You know what, just because the people around you doesn't make you leave, it doesn't mean that they want you to stay. That's why you should learn to study the atmosphere," Tsukishima talked and talked and talked, not realizing the pained expression on Yamaguchi's face. Hinata and Kageyama heard their 'talk' and looked back to see Yamaguchi's face.
"Oy, Tsukishima! What are you saying?!" Hinata made Tsukishima stop for the sake of Yamaguchi.
"I'm saying, he's pissing me off and I want him to leave." Tsukishima said coldly. Behind and in front of him, the footsteps stop but he goes on.
Moments later, Yamaguchi passed him, running fast towards the camp. Kageyama grumbled while refraining Hinata from jumping on the bespectacled boy while the Hinata is shouting at Tsukishima's retreating form.
Tsukishima just felt more and more pissed. Clearly not towards Yamaguchi, maybe a little towards Hinata and Kageyama, but a large part of it, towards himself.
"Hey, how was-" Bokuto shouted as he saw Yamaguchi run towards to camp, but Kuroo saw the tears first and stop Bokuto from asking.
Yamaguchi stopped in front of them, head lowered. A sniffle is heard and a rough "Let's just stop" is his only words and he left.
After that, they saw Tsukishima, oozing with dark aura and decided that it's safe to stay away from now. Bokuto and Kuroo shared a look. Clearly, the lesson doesn't go as planned.
They heard the whole story from Hinata who is angry towards Tsukishima.
"Yamaguchi doesn't do anything wrong! Why does he have to say at?" Hinata shouted as he stomped to show his anger.
"Oi, dumbass! Stop that. We're not in the position to judge. It's their problem, let them handle it." Kageyama just said. He's never a people person and he knows getting in between a fight is a bad thing.
"It's true, but I don't Tsukki will make amends. And Tadashi might be too hurt to talk to him." Kuroo said. Behind him, the first year duo could see Daichi approaching with a dark look on his face and gulped. They wished that the captain's anger isn't directed at them.
"Oi." Daichi said and the two captains flinched at the dark look on his face.
"Y-yeah?" Bokuto asked. A feeling of dread dawned into him. Karasuno's captain knows what they're up to.
"Is what transpired between Yamaguchi and Tsukishima, in anyway, related to you two?" Daichi questioned.
"Uh. Well-" Kuroo started to reason but Daichi interrupted him.
"Scratch that. I know that what happened is because of you two. And. You. Will. Fix. This. Understand?"
Kuroo and Bokuto could only nod their heads in fear.
During their three-on-three practice that evening, Hinata is still annoyed at Tsukishima and always tried to break Tsukishima's block. Tsukishima, however, doesn't seem to care much. He's not even trying. Lev is already complaining on the side, making Kuroo slightly annoyed too. It was their break when Kuroo and Bokuto confronted Tsukishima.
"Troubles in paradise? We've heard about your fight with Tadashi-kun." Kuroo started. The way he said Yamaguchi's name irked Tsukishima.
"Stop calling him that." Tsukishima said. Kuroo and Bokuto just shrugged. "It makes him uncomfortable."
"Oh really. Now you're concerned with Tadashi's well-being? That's not what we've heard from Chibi-chan here." Bokuto alleged. Tsukishima can feel the irritation crawl on his skin.
"Now, now, Tsukki. If you're angry at us, don't passed it on Tadashi-kun. We're just trying to help." Kuroo supplied. The other players are already looking at them, curious as to what they're talking about.
"Then don't help him. He can do it himself. Yamaguchi's stronger than what you think. He's not pathetic." Tsukishima said.
"Well, he can't do it himself, seeing that you two is still not together." Kuroo shrugged. This time, Tsukishima is confused. Bokuto scoffed. "And here I thought you're the smart one."
"What?"
"We're helping Yamaguchi to be noticed by you, idiot." Kuroo said, poking his forefinger at Tsukishima's forehead until he swatted it away. "So you two could be lovers."
"Then what's that in the gym?" asking about the incident where Yamaguchi is on top of Kuroo at the beginning of the camp.
"Well, you noticed him, didn't you? And you noticed when he talked to you less. And you noticed when he hung up with us and Chibi-chan and his setter. He's making you practice with him to be noticed too." Bokuto supplied.
"All of our lessons had one, and only one objective: that is to make you notice Tadashi-kun and to get you two together. Aren't we awesome or what?" Kuroo said and high five with Bokuto. "So, aren't you gonna look for him?"
"You two sucks and don't get in the way ever again." Tsukishima said and stormed out the gym, the game now forgotten.
"We rule!" Bokuto exclaimed and made their secret handshake with Kuroo.
"I don't think you should give love lessons." Akaashi deadpanned, eavesdropping on their conversation. Kuroo shrugged.
"Hey, if it work, it work."
"Well, maybe you should study it yourself since you're still in the Zone." Akaashi said. Bokuto snickered beside him.
"Nice one, Akaashi!" He continued snickering until he noticed Kuroo's unimpressed stare and raised eyebrow.
Well, there's a reason why they get along pretty well.
As expected, Tsukishima located Yamaguchi in the roof of their cottage. Yamaguchi loves high, open spaces where he could look up the night sky and trace constellations by his fingertips. Tsukishima would rather trace stars on Yamaguchi's face, but that's too chessy for him.
"Kuroo-san and Bokuto-san already told you, don't they?" Yamaguchi said, and arm over his eyes as he lays on the roof. Tsukishima made an affirmative noise, and Yamaguchi removed the arm on his eyes. They're puffy and a bit red from crying.
"Do I look pathetic now?" Yamaguchi said as another tear escaped on his eyes.
Tsukishima reached over to brush the tear away, and Yamaguchi let him.
"Don't cry, idiot." Tsukishima said, brushing the tears that are flowing freely from the other's eyes.
"H-How could I not cry w-when the person that made me c-cry calls me an idiot?" Yamaguchi is downright bawling right now. Tsukishima sighed.
"Then keep quiet and let me explain." Tsukishima waited until Yamaguchi's sobs tone down into sniffles and he talked.
He explained that he thought Yamaguchi understood. He thought there is a mutual understanding that they are 'kinda dating' even if they aren't. One day he just realized he's in love with his best friend and he could see 'something' between them and he could always feel Yamaguchi's adoration.
But despite that, he didn't want to change anything.
He want to continue hanging out at each other house until late at night, just playing games or studying together. He want to continue giving Yamaguchi his soggy fries and receiving the other's strawberry in his cakes. He want to continue using Yamaguchi's stomach as his pillow while reading magazines. He knew those are things that lovers do, and he shouldn't be afraid to make a commitment.
That he is afraid.
He said his worries if they get together and Yamaguchi demands more of him. Tsukishima doesn't know what to expect and to what extent can he give. He's afraid he might lack something that Yamaguchi wanted in a lover, and be dissatisfied. Tsukishima doesn't want to let him down, but he also knew that he can't change to make Yamaguchi happy.
That's why he never confess.
Yamaguchi looked at him, face solemn, a few sniffles still escaped from him. Yamaguchi slowly reached for his hand and when Tsukishima turned his to curl his fingers on the space of the other's hand, he squeezed back. Tsukishima lies perpendicular to Yamaguchi, his cheeks pressing on Yamaguchi's shoulder.
"I love you Tsukki. From your blond hair to your negative outlook in life. From the way teased me to the way you shun others away by your sharp words. I love that you give me your soggy fries even if I don't asked you to. And the familiar weight of your head of my stomach. I like how you're annoyed by Hinata and Kageyama but kept up with them. I love that you noticed that I'm uncomfortable with Kuroo-san calling me with my name. I love how you passionately talk about Pre-historic life, just as you talk about Nishinoya-san's lack of height. I love both of your good and bad sides, and I'd be an idiot to change the Tsukishima Kei that I fell in love with. I won't ask for more because being with you is enough. Tsukki, being with you would already make me happy and you don't need to change to make me happy." By the end of his monologue, Tsukishima is squeezing his hand real tight.
"Okay. Okay then." Tsukishima bought their entwined hands to his lips and kissed the back of Yamaguchi's palm. To the inside of Yamaguchi's elbow. To his shoulder. To his neck. To his ear. To his cheek, and to the side on his lips. By the end of it, Tsukishima's face hovers above Yamaguchi's, who is once again crying.
"Don't cry. I love you. I love you, Tadashi. Don't cry." Tsukishima said as he nuzzled Yamaguchi's hands, nose itching and tears barely held back on his eyes.
They stayed on the roof until their eyes are dry and Yamaguchi is well enough to joke about Tsukishima's near-crying experience. Kuroo and Bokuto saw them walking close together, the back of their palms brushing as they walk and the two smiled to themselves.
"Awesome." Bokuto cheered.
"A+" Kuroo said and they high fived and do a little celebratory dance. Then, they parted ways to sleep.
There's always another day to tease them. For now, they let their student get his award.