CJ looked out at the city and felt no joy, or excitement, or anger; in fact, she felt nothing.
The tears would not stop coming but really she was numb inside. People stared at her as they past but she didn't care. No one stopped to help and no one came running after her, she was alone. It was the first time she'd been alone in a long time.
She'd become used to her constant security detail. For a moment she thought that if she just turned around she would see Simon doing his check of all the people.
Her heart broke again as she remembered that she would never see Simon again. She would never see his smile, hear his laugh, or feel his lips because he was gone. Their first kiss. Less than two hours ago they had kissed and for the first time in too long CJ felt like she could fall in love again.
It had been so long since she'd felt like a woman but he made her feel beautiful and sexy. Simon was charming, funny, brave, humble, and- and-
She broke down again, crumbling into her lap and let out a strangled cry. The people passing looked over at the sound but she didn't care, she wasn't sure she'd ever care again.
There's only so much a person can take before they break. The stress of the past year had brought her to the breaking point many times but this was too much. She wanted to scream at God. Why would he take someone so wonderful?
A man who served the community and his country and didn't brag or feel the need to prove himself. He lived each day in quietness and let people discover how special he was on their own.
CJ cried for his life but also cried for what could have been. They could have been together and it would have been wonderful. That one kiss was enough to make her begin to see a real future with him.
As she'd sat through the play she could scarcely contain her excitement about seeing him again.
"CJ! CJ!" She recognized the voice calling her as belonging to Toby but she didn't care. She didn't want him to see her like this.
He came running up to her and sat next to her softly. He put a hand on her back, "CJ I just heard…" She could tell that he felt awkward but she also could tell that he wanted to help.
"You came all the way out here to tell me you heard?" The sarcasm slipped in without her knowledge and she felt bad immediately.
Toby seemed unfazed, "CJ I'm sorry. I get it, there's nothing I can do but you shouldn't be out here alone like this."
"How did you even find me?"
"When they pulled me out to tell me they told me you left in a rush. They pointed me in the right direction and I just walked till I saw ya."
"Thanks Toby but I don't want to talk about it." CJ tried to wipe at the tears and snot that had gathered on her face but it was useless. Toby fished a handkerchief out of his jacket and handed it to her.
"Yeah I don't want to talk either. I'll make you an offer CJ: you don't talk, I don't talk, and we just sit and watch the city. Sound good?"
CJ looked over at him and for one moment felt comforted before it was taken again by the numbness.
"When does it go away?"
He looked down at his hands, thinking of his mother and shook his head, "It doesn't go away. But it gets easier to live with. One day you'll realize that you went a whole day, or a whole hour, or even just a minute without thinking about it and you'll know it's progress."
CJ nodded as she looked out ahead of her and she tangled the wet handkerchief in her fingers.
"I'll take you up on that offer if it's still on the table."
"It's always on the table."