"The "what ifs" come to her unbidden, all the time. She just so wishes that things had turned out differently. She loved him and he loved her and they had time together, but not enough, and spent too many months fighting their feelings, then fighting over the same hurt and yet not knowing. She loved him and he loved her. Why hadn't that been enough? Why had the words never come, staying ceased up tight as a lump in the back of her throat? Why hadn't she been brave then?
She's brave now. She's all courage and valour and standing up and fighting back instead of taking things sitting down. All take, take, taking what she wants and no more endless giving. She's happier now, too. Sure, she has regrets, too many of them. Sure, she still wishes things were different. But she laughs more freely and drinks a lot less now.
She loved him and he loved her and they never said the words. They pretended like the secret hotel rendezvous were enough. They pretended surrendering their bodies was the same as surrendering their hearts. They gave, but not enough. They were brave, but not enough. They could have been everything to each other. And that's why the what ifs haunt her so unrelentingly.
If Eli Gold hadn't erased the phone message where he said everything he lacked the courage to say to her face, would she have found the courage to call back? Would they be together? Would they be happier in doing so?
If she had just said it, just told him she loved him, would he tell her he felt the same?
If they had ended their fighting with their admissions, would they have found a path together?
If he hadn't died, would they find a way to pick up the pieces and make of them something beautiful?
What if they were meant to be? What if these were chances and they missed them over and over?
She hates that the what ifs haunt her so much. She thinks everything would be easier if she just didn't think of them. She's with Jason now and she loves him. She's told him she loves him. She's brave now. She's happy now. She's finally at the point where the what ifs shouldn't matter.
Somehow, they still do.