A/N: Apparently my BN muse isn't dead after all. Oh NB, how you continue to inspire. Read, review and enjoy! This can be treated as a sequel/companion piece to 'Forever is Fragile'.
Not All Who Wander Are Lost
It's been a long year
Since we last spoke
How's your halo?
Just between you and I
You and me and the satellites
I never believed you
I only wanted to
Before all of this
What did I miss?
Do you ever get homesick?
I can't get used to it
I can't get used to it
I'll never get used to it
I'll never get used to it
- Strays Don't Sleep, 'For Blue Skies'
There's not an aspect of Blair Waldorf's perfectly organised life now that isn't a complete challenge.
NYU – she still doesn't know how or why she ended up here, is more than just a challenge. This, as Georgina Sparks keeps relentlessly reminding her, is not her world. The position of Queen doesn't exist anymore. At least if it did, Blair could bully and bitch her way to the top; that is what she knows. Serena was the effortless one, that facet of S still would never change. If Blair hopped on a plane to Dubai, Chuck would show up at the airport either having something to hold against her that would make her stay, or he might go romantic, give her more presents and tell her there's no Chuck Bass without Blair Waldorf. If Blair hopped on a plane to Dubai, Nate would call telling her to stay. Eleanor would tell her to stay. Serena leaves and there's no questions asked; everyone is left just as mystified as they were when she departed two years ago.
Blair has never envied her best friend more, even when she is on the other side of the planet. She wishes she could shed everything in her life now and just release whatever it is building up inside of her. Regret, sadness, anger or perhaps a sickly combination of all three. And she wouldn't argue against the company of Carter Baizen, either.
But it doesn't matter how much Blair would want to do something like that, she couldn't leave knowing she had left a train wreck of a mess behind her. She tells herself that's why she could never leave. This is all her own doing and that part tortures her the most.
It's incessant. Chuck makes elaborate declarations of love daily in a bid to compensate for that year he feels he lost with her, although she doesn't think of it as lost, not at all. Her senior was the most turbulent of Blair's life, even more so even if she had her best friend by her side. She worked that year, not that she didn't work for everything else she had in her life. But Chuck Bass gave the term 'work' a new definition.
It will never be enough. Just as Blair could never hop a plane to anywhere she may want to go, just as she is the polar opposite of Serena, Chuck Bass will never be anything remotely like his best friend. He of ten displays more intelligence, he's darker and he's simply an individual in every sense of the word.
But he's not Nate.
Every time Blair envisions herself up on the altar, it's Nate's green eyes glimmering. It's the sunshine stealing through the stain glass windows to illuminate the blond highlights in his hair. It's Chuck that's standing behind him as the best man. She knows now that they should have switched places four months ago and perhaps in reality they have, actually she knows they have, however she just can't edit that roll of film in her head that's existed for years on end.
She acknowledges that it's all beyond repair now. Previously, she considered the turning point to be the second her eyes landed on Chuck leaning against his limo, luxurious presents in hand.
She now knows the turning point was four months ago when Nate stepped into that elevator to exit her life for the foreseeable future.
Of course, Blair knew how this would go, considering she knew her boys better than anyone ever could. She'd eventually force Bass down the aisle after their respective philandering, (because seriously, with all those business trips?) She'd still always treat Nate as a dear friend because he's a constant in her life, even if they haven't spoken in months.
Blair did not understand that by going steady with Chuck she'd loose Nate as a friend. When she was with Nate, she always had both. Nate was the one she was supposed to marry, Chuck was her scheming partner. She'd do anything for the boundaries to be set again, and she wonders how the lines even got this blurred.
Chucks name emerges on her sidekick and she ignores it.
She knows the call anyway, this is what they do, and it's all very routine now. I'm boarding a jet to LA/Paris/Berlin/Beijing/another nameless city but you know I'd much rather be with you Waldorf, because I love you. I love you too Bass and I understand, you're the heir to your fathers empire. You need to do what you have too. As long as you return with gifts in hand all is forgiven.
Then they hang up and she knows in a matter of hours Chuck has fallen into bed with another petite brunette, as nameless as all the cities he keeps whirling in and out of.
It feels like she'll be doing this for the rest of her life.
"You don't remember me, do you?"
It's Friday night – or morning, rather, when Nate fixes his belt buckle and takes his blue Hugo Boss button down shirt from this girl's bed. He look's into her eyes for the first time (he avoided her stare during sex because he doesn't want to give the slightest signal that he'll be a fixture in any girl's life) and squints.
"Oh...you're...you're –
"Andrea," she greets, extending her hand, rolls her eyes but then smiles because how was she supposed to summon some anger towards someone with a smile like that? "It was um, nice sleeping with you. Twice." She adds.
"I'm sorry." Nate says, but it sounds so far from sorry it's not even funny. But it's truthful. He's sorry that this is what he's been reduced to; sleeping with ghosts. Sorry that he'll probably end up marrying some Blair Waldorf look-a-like that it'll be so obvious he never moved on from B, and sorry that this will mean that Chuck wins.
"Don't worry about it." The porcelain skinned brunette offers, "Everyone misses someone." She says knowingly. Nate apologizes once more and whips on his leather jacket before showing himself out.
It's easier this way, better. He assures himself. It's a daily reminder. It was better not to have Blair in his life at all, because if they just so happened to be 'friends', there would always be romantic undertones lining every conversation they had and it would lead to Blair's four poster bed or his master suite. And he wasn't about to repeat this cycle. They'd done that twice and Nate has a feeling third time won't be such a charm. It's completely doomed to be an eternal repetitive sequence of love/hate/screwing you/screwing you over vicious circle.
Why does he think there will be a third time?
He walks such a long distance this Saturday, that's all he does, is wander aimlessly on his weekends before sleeping with some other girl. His cheeks feel like they have frozen over and his hands are pink, all so he can sit on a bench and watches her bedroom window to see if she walks past or drags Kitty Minky from the windowsill.
Then he remembers she's doing the whole College experience thing and Blair's view of that is taking residence in a dorm.
They don't talk and haven't done so since that night in August when they collapsed onto her bed in the most platonic manner possible. It actually surprises him, looking back, that he didn't just kiss her. He didn't miss the instances when her cobalt blue gaze lingered on him for a little bit too long. But she probably thinks Nate thought nothing of it.
But Nate thinks everything of it. She is all he thinks about. It's pathetic in a Dan-Humphrey-pining-for-Serena-years-before-he-even-spoke-a-word-to-her type of way. Except Nate knows he and Blair have something that Dan never had with Serena, a constant respect for who she was rather than the person he thought she could be. And he knows that will endure forever. Of course he had found the perfect girl for him, in all her spunky demanding demeanour and chestnut curls. He just wasn't the one who was going to end up with her because somewhere along the way, Chuck started winning everything that previously landed in Nate's lap effortlessly.
He links his relationship to Blair specifically with winters. First kiss took place in December when they were twelve, first breakup when they were thirteen. Then his last chance finally arrived as the snowflakes cascaded onto their bodies by that lake and it was a rebirth of prospect, the rebirth of their something more. At least, it was on his part.
Fitting then, that he silently vows to start fighting back for her this winter as snow starts falling.
Are you trying to catch pneumonia? – B
He smirks, of course it's a typical Blair greeting when they haven't spoken in what feels like years.
And why aren't you in your dorm Ms Waldorf? (: - N
He glances up on the window and sure enough, she's there, sidekick in hand.
A girl can only take the decor of the common for so long and I'm visiting Dorota. + I could ask you the same question. What are you doing just sitting there? Come on up. I'll have the cook make us brownies or something. Just like old times. – B
Blair is aware that she just sounded about eleven in that text, but she just wants him here. Any excuse, not that they've ever needed one of those before.
Nate remembers being here before; they were thirteen and had broken up for the first time. It was Valentines Day and he didn't give Blair roses with her gift from Tiffany's. All was forgiven when Nate texted her from this bench.
He wants to go back to the glory days that he didn't realise were actually the best days of his life thus far. He didn't know it then – but do any of us?
How did you find me? – N
(: as if I need a trail, Archibald. Now do you want me to send Dorota out with your brownies or are you going to have some manners? – B
Fantasies. Blair had one (shocking, right?) when she was about fifteen where she'd just stare out her window and somehow, Nate would be far, far below staring back. Then she'd give him a text and without a reply he'd just come over, sweep her into her bedroom and have sex with her right then and there. Poof, virginity lifted like the curse it had became to Blair during that time of her life. She and Nate's fate sealed.
Sometimes she knows, in moments she just knows, that that's probably what would have happened if Chuck had just told her to Get out, rather than Are you sure? Of course she wasn't sure. She was sure she wanted to loose her virginity and Chuck wasn't exactly ugly but she wasn't sure she'd exchange a future with Nate for couldn't he just have been his brash and careless self for just another night? Just one more night?
Although Blair knew what she was doing and she was going to do it. She can't blame her broken fairytale on Chuck, considering she had helped break it and here she has him, Chuck Bass actually committed (on the outset at least, remember appearances are everything) and Chuck Bass actually offering her a new, shiny fairytale.
Despite all this, Blair doesn't feel all glued up and ready to embrace it. Until the elevator bell pings and she strolls seemingly carefree into the foyer of the Waldorf Brownstone, to find one Nate Archibald, on the stroke of midnight.
They envelope each other in a hug that lasts so long Dorota catches and comments that Mister Bass won't approve.
They're eating in lounge on the French leather chaise, admiring the view and just talking, in the non-romantic way Nate always feared. This was it. They'd always be dear friends.
"Where have you been? How's Columbia? How's your mom?" Are the questions fired out as Blair takes a brownie from the plate. Nate's eating so he doesn't respond, and so she adds tentatively at the end, "Is there anyone special amongst the hordes of girls throwing themselves at you?"
Nate chokes slightly when he remembers Alex, Amber or whoever that was.
"Got you." Blair says almost sadly, she hopes he doesn't notice, "Who is it?" She questions timidly.
"No, there's no one." Nate rectifies.
"Right. Nate, have you seen yourself lately or maybe in the past three years?"
Nate sighs, "Not no one, but no one special." He corrects.
Blair swallows and smiles. "I miss you. I never see you anymore. And granted I can't blame you considering how we left things..." She trails off because she's not even sure of what she's talking about. Nate is something so indefinable in her life. She loved him, she loves him and she always will and that's all she knows.
"I don't know where I fit anymore." He confesses, "We've never been just friends, Blair."
"It's something we could learn to do, Nate. We can't loose each other completely." She replies, sounding desperate by Blair Waldorf standards. She's glad he doesn't have a serious girlfriend (she feels that spot is reserved for her, even if on her wedding to Chuck Bass she'll always want Nate to love her fully and it's selfish she knows, but Blair wasn't exactly known for her heart of gold) she wasn't ready for Vanessa. She doesn't think she'll ever be ready.
"I don't think I could do that." He replies sullenly. Her facial expression is stern and tight but it only makes him love her more.
"You couldn't do a lot of things, so I shouldn't be surprised." She bitterly thinks aloud.
"Last time I was ready for us." He responds, almost furiously. Her expression softens.
"I know." She replies, voice cracking. "I know. I'm sorry I wasn't."
Their eyes lock. There should be sparks in the space between them.
She takes a breath.
The la perla skin cream is about to hit the fan, but he's worth it. Always has been.
"I am now. And I hope you are...still." She feels like she's about to cry, but she doesn't.
What?
"What?" He demands, astounded. Utterly staggered, he gets up and starts pacing. "I should..."
But he sits back down again and looks at her sadly.
"Tell me where your heads at, Blair. You can't just spring that without..." He can't even form a coherent sentence now.
"I know where my heads at, Nate," she begins, "It's my fucking heart that seems to be the problem. First it's with you then you cheat and stop making an effort and then there's Bass, being everything you're not and then I think it's with him, at least I want it be but then, oh-so conveniently, you start making an effort and you make me fall in love with you all over again. Then by the time you do make an effort, Chuck starts being a sadistic bastard and playing with me!"
He can't speak. Instead he just gazes at her with a mixture of awe and realization.
She doesn't conceal the emotion anymore. Tears trickle down that flawless white skin, and he dries them away.
"Why did you just decide to be ready that time? You knew I wasn't." She asks, shadow of the outrages woman she was a matter of seconds ago.
"I couldn't wait –
"Why not?"
"It was our last chance. I felt that, Blair." He admits.
Welcome to confession time, starring B and N.
After an hour of an easy silence, just holding each other, silence is broken.
"I should go." He remarks reluctantly.
"You should." She agrees.
She uncoils herself from him and when he puts on his jacket, she tells him to stay.
Stay once.
Stay twice.
Stay thrice and this could be the one.
He chuckles in response. The forced laughter gives way and they know what's happening next. Like the script finally fits and this has been silently culminating for months.
She stands up and takes his hand.
Nate's relationship with Chuck had never fully healed since and it wasn't about to. And this was what he'd been waiting for.
Without further hesitation, his cups her face and at first, it's all very serious, but she gives in and smiles against his mouth.
She is free.
Free from the unfaithful relationship.
Free from the triangle.
Initially, the sex was all hot impatient kisses and messy, but when they finally found their way to her bed, it became gentle. Slow, like they were winning the war against time. Like they'd be doing this for the rest of their lives.
As he holds her in their post-sex snuggle, he knows they will. Whatever hearts they step over.
"Is this is how it's always going to be?" She quietly questions as she allows her fingers to trail along his chest, "We randomly cross paths and end up having one night trysts?"
"I never thought you'd use the word random to describe us." He chuckles. She giggles in response.
"So, together or will I tell him?" She asks nervously. "I know you two...it'll never be the same."
"No, it won't. Together." He kisses her forehead and then proceeds to brush his teeth and get dressed.
"Waldorf!"
Blair swears her heart ceased to beat in that second.
"Enough trips away! I miss you too much –
The bedroom door is flung open.
Nate doesn't attempt to hide. He was done with that from last night.
Silence envelopes the three of them. All Chuck can do is look at Blair, the hurt in his heart evident on his face as his lips part. Then he looks to Nate.
Nothing is said.
The lilies crash to the floor.
Chuck travels straight back to wherever he was to take care of business.
He comes home dishevelled, a broken man. Bags under his hazel eyes, unshaven and hair askew.
At first, he pretends like nothing happened. He then informs Blair of his infidelities (she doesn't let on that she knows).
He flings himself onto his Italian leather couch in his suite and refills his scotch glass.
"You need to understand none of them mean anything. It's you, you're the one I'm going to love for the rest of my days whether I like that or not. I've tried ignoring that in the past and it doesn't work." He states factually, as if it heals the hurt.
"I don't believe," she begins, stroking a lock of hair behind her ear self-consciously, "That you can love me and sleep with random girls. I can't believe that."
He looks into her eyes, all tortured and tipsy.
She places her arm around him and he lacks protest.
"I can. But you didn't just sleep with a random." He remarks bitterly.
"I think..."
"Please." He urges her, needing to know.
"I think we needed to do this to know for sure. I love you Chuck." She smiles, her eyes widening, "But I'll always love Nate in that way."
A tear slips away down his face and he wipes it away quickly, hoping she doesn't notice. Of course, she does.
His head lands on her shoulder.
"There's nothing I can do, is here?" He mumbles.
"No. No, there's not."
And with that, she kisses his forehead and departs, leaving him to call Serena, wherever she is.
Winter was their season of love.
She wants to take him to the lake, but they don't even make it past the door to his apartment.
The snow cascades, their noses graze in that way that turns her on too much and they lay on his luxurious mattress.
The world would always be in a constant state of winter for them.
She knows she was meant to take residence here from the moment he propositioned her.
He knows she'll never stray.
They're home and the journey was more than worth it.
They will be doing this for the rest of their lives.
I'm under that night
I'm under those same stars
We're in a red car
You asleep at my side
Going in and out of the headlights
Could I have saved you?
Would that've betrayed you?
I wanna burn this film
You alone with those pills
What you couldn't do I will
I forgive you
I'll forgive you
I'll forgive you
I forgive you
A/N: Yay for Nate showing up randomly at B's door for like the 8326th time! (LOL; at least inside my head.) I think this is me actually done with BN until season 3, but then again I say these things don't I? Feedback is always appreciated and thanks for taking the time to read!