To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub
from Hamlet, by William Shakespeare
Post Ep 10X06 In the Box, with spoilers for the episode
To Sleep, Perchance to Dream
The case had ended as well as their cases ever did….they'd prevented a death, and caught their unsub. They hadn't even had to physically harm her to do it. It should have been a celebratory trip home. Which was why Aaron Hotchner took note of the behavior of two of his team.
Reid was stretched out on the long bench of the plane, a book open on his chest as though he was preparing to read himself to sleep, combining two of his favorite isolation techniques. JJ was curled into one of the individual seats, facing out the window, apparently already asleep. But Hotch was pretty sure she was feigning it.
Each of his team had their own individual methods of achieving separation from the others when they needed it, whether it was sleep, or reading, or the plugging in of a set of earphones. Hotch had yet to learn Kate's preferred method, but he was certain she would develop one. Only Rossi seemed comfortable just telling him when he needed to be alone. The privilege of maturity, he thought….or just old age. He stifled a small smile as he thought of his old friend's reaction should he have made his observation aloud.
There were times when he could predict the need to be left alone, but this wasn't one of them. Hotch wondered if something had happened at the takedown...something that hadn't been shared with him. Or whether there was a grievance between the two, as there had been when Emily returned to the team. He was mentally debating approaching one of them when the argument became moot. Reid had risen, and was moving toward JJ.
At the far end of the plane, JJ sensed a presence as Reid took the individual seat across from her. She tried to be inconspicuous as she stole a look through her lashes.
"I saw that. Just like I saw you look out the window seven times in the last 87 seconds."
She gave up the sham. "I'm tired, Spence. I'm trying to sleep."
"But you can't, can you? Otherwise, your eyes would probably stay closed."
"Well, I sure can't now, since you're here talking to me." She straightened out a bit in her seat. "And, besides, what about you? You weren't reading that book any more than I was sleeping. Your hand didn't run down the page once."
His brows went up at the realization that she'd noticed, and he took a quick look around the plane to see if anyone else had. Hotch's eyes caught his as they made their circuit. Reid turned back to JJ.
"The boss is on to us."
That drew her eyes in Hotch's direction as well, allowing her to catch his quick diversion of them to the folder in his lap.
"Great. Now he'll be worried."
"Well….is there anything for him to be worried about? Are you okay?"
She rolled her eyes at him. "I might ask you the same thing."
He chuckled. "Touche. All right, I'll talk if you will. You go first." Tag you're it.
Their long friendship had taught him that, more than most, Jennifer Jareau needed to be drawn out. And he was good at doing so. He knew that, if she thought he needed her to help him, she'd give in and allow herself to be helped as well.
"All right," she sighed, as she sat all the way up. "I didn't tell you the whole story before. Remember, when I told you about the argument with my mother?"
He nodded. He'd suspected as much. But they'd been in the middle of the case, and he hadn't pushed it further.
"Well….it was about Roz."
He squinted at her, acknowledging he'd heard, but not understanding. He knew Rosaline was the older sister who'd taken her own life when JJ was a child. "What about her?"
"Mom and Henry were going through old pictures, and there was one of Roz and me. Henry asked who she was…..and Mom told him."
"You didn't want him to know her?"
JJ shook her head. "No, it's not that. It's not that I don't want him to know her. God, Spence, do you know what I'd give to have her still with us, so he could really know her? But, no, it wasn't that. It was that Henry asked about her, so Mom told him that she was 'in a better place'." Making finger quotes.
He was starting to understand now. "She didn't tell him that Roz was dead?"
"No, but…..Henry's a smart kid, Spence. He'll figure that part out. Then he'll be asking me what happened to her and… I just don't think he's ready for that."
She could feel his eyes boring into her, drawing her own back from the window.
"What?" He always did seem to know how to make her squirm.
He just waited her out.
"You think it's me, don't you? You think it's me who's not ready."
When he let the silence continue, she filled it. "I just don't want him to know about loss, yet. I don't want him to be afraid."
Now he spoke. "JJ, wasn't it just last year that he didn't want to go out on Halloween because he was afraid of monsters?" When he saw her remembering, he went on, "You didn't tell him about monsters, did you?"
She shook her head. "Not really. Not on purpose. He overheard Will and I talking about work. But I don't think that was really it. I think it was more the kids at school."
Reid knew it went beyond that. "Them….and the TV, and even some of the books on his bookshelf. They're not exactly all like 'Baby Star', are they? Even the sanitized fairy tales have monsters." He knew. He'd read a bunch of them to Henry himself.
"No, but….."
"Before she got too sick, my mom used to be a professor of English literature. She used to say that all stories are about good and evil, love and loss. It's the human drama. There is nothing else."
He had her interest. "What's your point?"
"My point is that Henry has already been exposed to those concepts, probably in more ways than you know. And, just like you helped him overcome his fear of monsters last year, you can help him deal with the concept of loss. You helped him learn that he can be stronger than the monsters. Now you can help him know that he doesn't have to be defeated by loss."
She felt his stare again, and sensed that he was trying to send a deeper message than the one he'd just spoken. JJ's eyes went back to the window, as she tried to follow his probe to that place inside her. After a few moments, she spoke, still looking out into the ether.
"But I have to deal with it first, or I won't be able to help him. Right? That's what you mean."
He fell back to his softest voice. "Some things are harder to deal with than others."
Suddenly she realized they weren't just talking about Henry any longer. Or even about Roz.
JJ chanced a quick flash of her eyes toward his, seeing the depth of meaning in them. But she couldn't hold the gaze.
"I'm doing all right."
"Are you? I know, you're coming to work, and doing your job, and taking care of Will and Henry. I guess I'm just wondering….are you taking care of you?"
She tried to shrug him off. "You know me, I like to keep busy."
"Right."
"Seriously, Spence. I'm all right."
"It's not me you have to convince."
Her heart had begun pounding, as it always did when the memories and images refused to stay at bay. She needed this conversation to end. Or change.
"Your turn."
"What?"
"You said you'd tell me what's bugging you if I went first, remember?"
"Who said we were done with you?" His voice was tinged with discomfort about the change in direction, along with continued worry about her.
"I said. So…what is it?"
Her eyes issued a plea for his cooperation. Seeing it, and seeing her distress, he complied. This wasn't the first time he'd tried to broach the topic with her, and it wouldn't be the last. He knew he penetrated through an additional layer or two each time it came up. He wouldn't give up on it…on her….until they'd gotten all the way there. But it was clear that wouldn't be tonight.
Reid sighed. "All right…but it's not really anything."
"Spence….I was there, remember? What you did today….what you said….it brought everything back to me. It had to do it for you, too."
Now his heart was pounding. It had all come back. Today's attempt to lure their unsub with flattery had been successful. In sharp contrast to the attempt he'd made when it had been the woman he loved who needed saving.
JJ saw he'd gone inside, and tried to draw him out again. "Spence? Tell me."
He just shook his head. "There's nothing to tell, JJ. I tried it, and it worked."
"So, it wasn't you."
He'd been avoiding eye contact, but now looked at her directly. "It wasn't me? What do you mean?"
"I mean…it wasn't what you did or said that made that crazy woman do what she did in the loft. You did the same thing today, and look how it turned out. It wasn't your fault, Spence. She did it. She was responsible."
He had to swallow. "I know that. In my head, I know that. But…"
"But in your heart, you felt like you should have been able to save her. You wanted the fairy tale ending."
He gave a bitter laugh. "I got it all right. I got the real fairy tale ending, the kind I told you about today."
"You deserved the 'happily ever after', Spence. You should have gotten it. But it wasn't your fault that you didn't. I guess I just want to make sure that you believe that."
She'd been afraid for his emotional state back then. And she was afraid that he'd given up on looking for happiness since.
He diverted, just a little. "Did I ever tell you about my dreams?" Knowing that he hadn't. He hadn't shared them with anyone but Rossi.
"Dreams?"
"I used to dream that she would visit me. I'd be in a coffee shop, or a library, or somewhere. And, suddenly, she would be there, and we would talk."
JJ's sad smile reflected a distant memory. Roz had visited her in much the same way. The visits had become increasingly rare...but they still happened.
"And then there would be music, and she would ask me to dance."
"That's nice."
"It was, in the end. But, at first, I was afraid of it, afraid of giving in to it. I was afraid I'd never want to wake up again."
She shivered. He'd just confirmed what she'd been worried about. "So….what did you do?"
"I don't know how, but somehow I would manage to wake myself up before we could get close. Before the temptation would be too much. But then I was afraid to go back to sleep. Until a very wise man…."
She followed his eyes to the reclining figure of David Rossi, and smiled. She'd been on the receiving end of some of his wisdom as well.
"…. a very wise man gave me some advice. He told me to let go. To enter into it. Confront it, maybe. So I did."
JJ felt like she was listening to a fairy tale this very moment. "And what happened?"
"We danced. It was sweet, and wonderful, and it made me happy…. well, in the dream, anyway. But, no, not really just in the dream. Of course, I woke back up to reality, but…. it always felt a little lighter. A little better."
"Because you confronted it?" Needing to know the answer.
"Because I let myself live through it. I stopped avoiding it." Knowing they weren't just talking about his situation any more.
His story raised another question for her. "When you approached the unsub today….I know you were using the Cinderella story, but….you told her about dancing together with the most beautiful woman, and that you'd been searching for her ever since…."
"Yes, I was thinking about Maeve. That's what you were going to ask, wasn't it?"
She nodded. "Don't give up looking, Spence. You'll find her. Well, you know what I mean."
He acknowledged the sentiment with a sad smile, but shook his head. "I don't know about that. I just know what I learned."
"Which was?"
"That I had to incorporate my loss. It happened, there was no way I could change that fact. But I was using up all of my energy…literally….trying to keep it from having its full impact on me. Trying to avoid feeling it, over and over again. Coming back to work didn't help, immersing myself in the problems of other people didn't help. It wasn't until I finally gave up trying to avoid it, and gave myself over to it, that I started to feel just a little bit better."
She spent a moment taking that in. "Incorporate."
"Huh?"
"You said, 'incorporate'. You incorporated your loss. So, it's a part of you now? It's who you are?"
He heard her need to understand, and knew to be careful with his answer.
"It doesn't define me. It's part of what shapes me. I think we're all formed, in great part, by the people and things that we love, and maybe equally as much by those we lose. We hurt, but we heal. Scar tissue makes us stronger." He looked his affection at her. "So do those we care about who are still in our lives."
She flashed him a grateful smile. "Amen to that."
This time, her yawn was genuine, some of her tension finally drained. "Thanks, Spence." Not being specific about what, exactly, she was thanking him for.
He reached for her hand and kissed the back of it, just as he'd done with the troubled young lady in the park this afternoon.
"Sweet dreams."
She grinned. "Same to you, Prince Charming."
From the other end of the jet, Hotch stole yet another glance in the direction of his two troubled profilers, each of whom looked just a little less troubled than they had before. He watched as they each settled into a genuine sleep, thinking about doing the same himself. His thoughts were interrupted by the arrival of his old friend.
"They'll be all right," observed Rossi. Like Hotch, he'd been concerned for his young colleagues, and all they'd had to deal with over the past few years.
"How do you know?"
"They're still here."