A short, random piece in honour of the woman who tried to set me up with her son today. He was cute, though, so…

This story is so named because I saw it somewhere, could not stop laughing, and professor-riddikulus hates it so much that I just had to. This story has nothing, literally nothing, to do with porridge.

Disclaimer: Not mine

Lily Evans loved, bloody loved, being a doctor. Sure, the hours were shit, the patients could be right fucking annoying, the NHS never had enough fucking money, but at the end of the day, she loved taking care of her patients.

That feeling, though, is sometimes (usually) steamrolled by the stress that hits her the moment she walks into the door of her surgery at 630, a hour and a half before it opens, because she still has paperwork to finish from the night before, emails and phone calls to reply to, a schedule to check, and doublecheck, and follow-up calls to make for patients that she can't book in to see her in person.

She logged into the computer behind the desk at reception, knowing full well that Frank would kick her fucking arse if he came in and saw her at his computer again, to check who she was seeing today. Ugh fuck Mr Johnson tomorrow?! Okay, no Lily, stick to today. We'll worry about tomorrow tomorrow...

She's booked solid, as always, and fuck, Frank leaves early today, but she saw a name towards the bottom of her schedule that made her break into a huge, relieved smile. Euphemia Potter - 1600

Euphemia Potter was, without a doubt, Lily's favourite patient.

She was an older woman with a bad heart and the maddest grey hair you'd ever seen. She strolled into the surgery twenty minutes before every appointment, chatted with Frank, joked with the patients in the waiting area, and was the sweetest, sharpest person Lily had ever had the pleasure of treating. If she would start taking her bloody heart medicine, this whole situation would be perfect.

Euphemia had told her at their last appointment a few months ago that her son, James, was always on her about the medicine too, "He never stops fussing! Ever since Fleamont died he's been very worked up about my medication."

Lily reminded her that she should be taking her medicine, that her son had every right to worry, that he was probably just concerned for her and her health, especially after losing his father. Euphemia had waved it off, but not unkindly, "I'm getting old, dear. James is going to have to come to terms with the fact that I haven't got long left on this earth."

Lily reminded her that she would have a while longer if she took her medicine as prescribed - Euphemia just laughed, complimented her on slipping that message in one last time.

"You know," she'd said, as she gathered her coat and bag off the chair at the end of that appointment, "you should meet my son, James. I think you'd like him. And you're just his type." Lily had laughed, but her cheeks flushed in spite of herself, "Mrs Potter, I don't think it would be appropriate for me to date a relative of one of my patients."

Euphemia had laughed brightly, and Lily couldn't help but join her when she was laughing like that, "Who said anything about dating, Dr Evans?" She winked. Fucking winked.

Lily sputtered "Mrs Potter, I…"

Euphemia just laughed louder, "I'm just joking, love. You and my Jamesie would get married if you two ever met."

Lily didn't know what to say to that, so she just smiled and booked Euphemia in for a follow up appointment.

Lily logged out of Frank's computer and walked to the back of the building towards her office. She tossed her coat up onto the coat rack beside the door, set the electric kettle on, and took a few minutes to straighten up her office. She never had patients in here, was rarely even in here herself, but somehow her office always looked like a small tornado had blown through.

She finished tidying, made herself a cuppa, and sat down to flip through a few recent medical journals she hadn't had time to actually read yet. She was about halfway through an article about heart failure and community acquired pneumonia when her office door banged open. She jumped, sloshed tea all down her front, and heard laughter from the doorway, "Bleeding hell, Evans, someone is jumpy this morning."

"Piss off, McKinnon. I was in the middle of an article and you scared the shit out of me!"

Marlene rolled her eyes, walked over to the chairs opposite Lily's desk and sat down. "So, who've you got today?"

"Euphemia Potter is coming in, actually!" Lily grabbed a handkerchief out of her desk and started patting tea out of her trousers, "Oh fuck, these are ruined. I'll have to get another set out of the scrub machine."

Marlene didn't look sorry in the least, "Ugh, lucky. I have that fucking Zabini kid again." Lily groaned, "He the one that broke his leg playing football and asked if you were really the doctor?"

Marlene leaned over and clicked Lily's electric kettle on, "The very same." She got up and grabbed another mug off Lily's filing cabinet and tossed a tea bag in.

Lily sighed, "Well, if it makes you feel better, I have Mr Johnson scheduled for tomorrow."

Marlene burst out laughing, "The guy who randomly pulled out his balls last time?!"

Lily groaned and took a sip of her tea, "Yes."

By the time she gets to her last appointment of the day, Lily is usually bloody well exhausted. Today isn't really an exception, but knowing that her last appointment is the best patient in the world makes the rest of her day bearable. She set a shattered arm, referred someone out to a specialist, talked with a few people about some random problems, and she's damn near crawling under her desk to take a nap when she heard a bright laugh from the waiting area.

"I'd recognise that laugh anywhere," Lily said, as she walked out of the office area and out into the waiting room. Euphemia is standing at the desk with Frank, as usual, and she turns to look at Lily when she walks in, but there's also an obscenely handsome man standing next to her at reception and Lily nearly stumbles into Frank's desk in shock.

Very aware that she's staring (and that Euphemia is now smirking at her), Lily flicks her eyes back to Euphemia, "How are you feeling today, Mrs Potter?"

"Oh," Euphemia waved her hand, "I'm fine, dear."

"MUM!" the black haired man at reception fisted his hand in his hair and rounded on, apparently, his mum, "You said you weren't feeling well at all this morning! Don't lie to your doctor, mum, christ!"

Euphemia is his… oh fuck -

Euphemia smiled, "I didn't lie to Dr Evans, James, I lied to you." and 'James' seemed to know well enough, now, what was up - "Mum." He fisted his hand in his hair again, clearly frustrated, and shot an exasperated look at Lily, "I'm sorry, she's…"

Lily laughed, but flushed as the pieces clicked together in her head, "Dedicated?"

James grinned and laughed, a bit relieved, "Yes. Exactly."

Euphemia was smiling winningly now and Lily took a deep breath, "Is this your son that we were chatting about last time?"

Euphemia wrapped her arm around James' waist and he smiled down at her, a bit exasperated because she'd clearly plotted against him, but it's still loving and sweet (fuck fuck fuck), dropped his arm over her shoulder, "The very same. I told you he was handsome, Dr Evans."

James flushed, his hand was in his hair again, "Mum, bloody hell."

Lily laughed, "Don't worry, James, I've heard this all before." She winked and James flushed a deeper red, "I'm sorry she's pestering you," James looked pointedly down at his mother but she seemed utterly indifferent, "I'm sure you're busy enough that you don't have to worry about people begging you to date their sons."

Well normally it never works out this well, bloody fucking hell.

Lily just smiled, "It's no trouble, Mr Potter - "

"James. You can call me James, Dr Evans." His cheeks are a bit red, but his eyes are trained on hers and it feels like a cage of butterflies was set loose in her stomach.

Lily chuckled, "Well, it's no trouble, James. Now," she turned to Euphemia, "would you like James to come back with us or do you want him to sit out here while we chat?"

Euphemia looked to James, "Do you want to hear about my heart or do you want to sit out here and tweet at Sirius or something?" She waved her hands in the air in what, Lily assumed, was supposed to be a representation of tweeting.

"Mum," James laughed, rolled his eyes, "I can text Sirius whenever I like. You drug me all the way down here on false pretences, I'm going to hear what the doctor has to say about your heart."

Euphemia rolled her eyes in a way that was scarily similar to her son's and looked at Lily, "See, I told you he fusses."

They walked back to patient room A together and Euphemia chatted animatedly with James while Lily took her stats and vitals.

"Oh Dr Evans, you're looking so stunning by the way," Euphemia said, winking overtly at Lily while Lily took her blood pressure. Lily laughed, "Why, thank you Mrs Potter. I spilled tea all over myself this morning and I have always said that's a surefire way to make yourself look more attractive."

She winked impishly at James and he laughed, raised his eyebrows at his mother, "Mum, I know what you're doing."

Lily took the blood pressure cuff off and scribbled the numbers down onto her chart, "And what am I doing, James?"

Lily looked up just in time to see James rolling his eyes, "Mum, come on."

Euphemia just smiled innocently at him and James snorted, "I'm sure Dr Evans has no interest in being harassed by an old woman while she's trying to work."

Lily opened her mouth before she thought better of it, "Normally, I would agree with you, James -"

She realised what she'd said, shut her mouth, and flipped to the back of Euphemia's chart to re-read her notes from the last appointment, but it's too late. Euphemia is smirking at her and Lily's cheeks are blood red. She sneaks a peak at James as she closes up her file - he's smirking, too. Fuck. Why is he so bleeding attractive?!

Lily stuffed her pen back into the pocket of her doctor's coat and listened to Euphemia's lungs, thankful for the excuse to remain silent for a few minutes and get a grip on herself. You cannot date Euphemia Potter's son. She is your patient. It does not matter that he is ridiculously insanely absurdly attractive. Patient's relative. No. Ethics… or something.

"Well," Lily said, wrapping her stethoscope back around her neck, "your vitals are all good, Mrs Potter. Have you been taking your medication?"

Euphemia smiled at James, "He's been making sure I take it on time every day." James grinned at his mum, "I'm just glad you've stopped fighting me on it, honestly."

"Well, that's good news," Lily said, smiling at them both, "I'm glad someone finally got you to see sense, Mrs Potter." Lily cocked an amused eyebrow at Euphemia and she laughed, swatted Lily's arm, "Well, how do you say no to that face Dr Evans?"

I wouldn't mind saying yes to that face. Fuck. Stop it.

They chatted about Euphemia's diet and exercise regimen, Lily drew a few tubes of blood for some tests, and, after a few reminders to continue taking her medication regularly, Euphemia and James were grabbing their coats and Lily was walking them back into the now empty waiting area.

"Make sure you stay bundled up in this cold, Mrs Potter," Lily said, "and make sure that you're doing your best to stay away from sick people - I was just reading this morning in the BMJ about how pneumonia increases your risk for heart failure."

Euphemia patted Lily's arm, "You're too good to me, Dr Evans." Lily grinned, "I'm just doing my job, Mrs Potter."

Euphemia turned to her son, "James, I'm going to go sit in the car. Can you book in my next appointment?"

James was glaring daggers at her, but Euphemia maintained a steady, innocent face, and James sighed, "Alright, Mum," he handed her the keys, "Here, start it up so you don't get cold."

Euphemia walked out of the waiting area and Lily cleared her throat before walking around the reception desk and sitting down at Frank's computer. "So, I don't need to see Mrs Potter again for six months - do you know what her schedule looks like in August?"

James chuckled, "She's just trying to see if she can embarrass us as much as humanly possible, isn't she." James ran his hand through his hair again and Lily smiled, "I think you might be right."

James looked at her for a few seconds, and she could feel her heart picking up speed in her chest before he cleared his throat, "As for August though… I mean, Mum doesn't work anymore, so she's free whenever, really."

Lily nodded, pulled her eyes away from his and scrolled through the schedule. "Does… the 8th of August at 4pm work? I quite like having your mum to look forward to at the end of my day." She looked up from James and grinned. He chuckled, "At least one of us enjoys her antics, bloody hell."

His hand is in his hair again.

This is such a bizarre thing to be turned on by. Get a grip on yourself you fucking fool.

Lily booked the appointment and took a moment filling out an appointment card. She handed it to James and he tipped his head at her, "Thanks."

He turned on his heel to walk out the door and a sense of panic, fucking panic, kicks in in her chest and before she thinks better of it, before she remembers 'ethics,' she grabs another card and scribbles her mobile number on it. "Wait!"

James stopped, immediately, in the middle of the waiting area and spun around. Yes. This is the right choice. He's too fucking hot what even are ethics anyway

She walked around the reception desk and handed James the second card, letting her fingers brush against his (doing her best to ignore the electricity now zipping through her veins because it really wants her to just jump him right there and that is definitely not ethical and surely there is a line about that in something she's signed at some point). James looked at the card and then looked at Lily, cocking his eyebrow, "Is this your mobile number?"

Lily smiled a cheeky grin, "Thought you might need it if you're going to ask me out to dinner."

She's acting, pretending to be more confident than she feels because Lily's heart is nearly hammering out of her chest, and when James grins at her, it somehow picks up speed, thrumming so hard against her ribs that she's pretty sure it's going to explode. "Brilliant point, Dr Evans."

Lily grinned, "When you call me tonight to ask me out to dinner, call me Lily."

James laughed, "Will do."

James pocketed the card and smiled at her one last time, before turning and walking out of the waiting area. Lily really, really hoped he didn't look back, because he would have seen her dancing around reception like a madman.