A/N: Woo! Time for another Hetalia/Spongebob parody: Hall Monitor! In which it is somewhat taking place in an AU setting (like The Chaperone did). Alfred is a student in a school dedicated to the teachings of how to drive a car. It makes sense in context, by the way. His teacher, Mr. Kirkland unwillingly makes him the hall monitor of the day fearing that the "power" will go to his head like always. But things begin to get chaotic when Alfred meets up with Feliciano, his new "deputy" and must stop a "criminal" from wrecking havoc in the city.
This one was somewhat hard to write, as the character roles were hard to assign. But here's the list so you will know:
Alfred (America) as Spongebob Squarepants (He's the PERFECT Spongebob.)
Arthur/Mr. Kirkland (England) as Mrs. Puff. (I've once read a fic involving him as Alfred's teacher, and I can picture him being very fearful of Alfred being drastic over something as simple as being a hall monitor.)
Feliciano (N. Italy) as Patrick Star (...XD...)
Ludwig (Germany) as police officer #1
Gilbert (Prussia) as police officer #2
Elizabeta (Hungary) as the woman whom asks her husband if he wants more medley (*Stifles her snickering at the description*)
Roderich (Austria) as the woman's husband whom nods at her question and doesn't speak, although he does scream at one point so we'll just count him in anyway... (*Is laughing her ass off and she doesn't even know why*)
Peter (Sealand) as the guy whom gives Spongebob (Alfred) and Patrick (Feliciano) a newspaper extra
Sit back, relax, and enjoy the mayhem of a fanfic! :)
Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia or Spongebob Squarepants, and never will in this lifetime.
~MidnightSakuraBlossom
X
Hall Monitor
X
Somewhere in an un-named city was Mr. Kirkland's driving school. Arthur Kirkland, age twenty-seven was the main teacher and good at driving. Here at this school, he teaches his pupils the rules and ways of the road before young foolish teenagers get out and get arrested for the havoc they wrecked.
His students were pretty lazy and they never really seemed to care about the highly informative demonstrations and lectures they received. What was just about always on their mind was this question: "When the hell will this British dude shut up so we can take our driver's test and get out permits?" And right now, they were either sleeping right on their desks or looking like zombies as they propped their heads up and stared mindlessly at the board.
However, one student, fifteen-and-a-half year old Alfred Jones was determined to get his permit and eventual license. Even if he didn't show it often, he admired Mr. Kirkland and made sure to pay attention to the long lectures occasionally when he didn't get so bored he fell out of his desk and curled onto a ball on the floor and slept. He tried to be diligent and wrote down just about everything that came out of the man's mouth. Not to mention that, for a dude in his late twenties, Mr. Kirkland was quite hot (A/N: There's no USUK in this fic. Forgive me, I couldn't stop myself from adding that comment. D:).
In fact, as we speak, Alfred is quickly writing down his notes on what Mr. Kirkland had previously been lecturing. Some stuff about how you should be sure to know the gas mileage of your vehicle before going out on long distances. Especially if the car has been used before or if it's foreign.
"Everyone," Alfred stopped suddenly in the middle of writing and glanced up curiously at Mr. Kirkland sitting at his desk attempting to get the students' attention. "Everyone, put down your pencils and wake up. It is time for us to pick the new 'Hall Monitor of the Day'."
Alfred didn't need to be told twice. While everyone else around him whom were actually awake groaned from being annoyed by this annual announcement, he froze up with enlarged eyes and was gripping his pencil so tightly that it suddenly launched out of his hand and up into the ceiling. He ALWAYS wanted to be hall monitor ever since he first was forced to go to this class by his parents.
But, no matter how hard he tried to prove to Mr. Kirkland that he was heroic and dependable enough to assume this position, his British teacher would always do anything in his power to pick someone EXCEPT Alfred. Why he did this, the student did not know. The man's motives were never revealed.
To Alfred, being the hall monitor felt like a great honor. Ever since he was a kid, he was obsessed with heroes to be one himself. This carried on into his teens and he recently realized that he can still be a hero for everyone in ways like being a hall monitor and other stuff like that: it would be all up to him solely to protect the halls from chaos and battle the forces of evil!
Gladly unaware of Alfred's nervous antics in the back rows of the desks, Mr. Kirkland grabbed his clipboard and lazily glanced at all of the names of his students. Murmuring them aloud to himself mostly as he made his decision. "Bart...Jimmy...Tina..." His green eyes flickered to the bottom of the list where on student whose name was unchecked and in bold characters. Immediately, they widened, his skin lost all of it's color, and he just about choked. "'ALFRED..."
Alfred, wearing a toothy grin, shifted his desk into the middle of the rows of desks so that the panicked teacher would have to notice him declare him the hall monitor.
Despite realizing now he was screwed and was just about forced to give the position to an awaiting Alfred, Mr. Kirkland regained his composure and laughed nervously as he turned his attention to a bored dude in the front row. "It's...it's Jimmy! Yes Jimmy, you're the hall monitor of the day."
"Mr. Kirkland..." Jimmy sighed and pulled himself up off the desk. "I've done it ALREADY."
"...Oh." Mr. Kirkland broke into a sweat and turned to Bart. "Bart, you're the hall-"
"When hell freezes over, Mr. Kirkland."
Turning to a girl in the front row, Mr. Kirkland shakily walked out from around his desk. The aforementioned girl, Tina, brushed back her short red hair and gave him an annoyed look. "T-Tina! You're the hall monitor!"
Tina scoffed. "Hey, why do I have to do it again? I totally did it five times already!"
Now the panic was really getting to Mr. Kirkland, he couldn't remember the last time that he had freaked out this badly. But he refused to give in and let Alfred of all his students become the hall monitor! There was a very likely chance that the boy would let the power go to his head!
"Beth!"
"She graduated last year!"
"Mira?" CREAK. "James?" CREAK. "Cynthia?" CREAK. "CHRISTOPHER...?" Double time CREAK.
Now at his limits, seeing as though no one else wanted to have to be the damn hall monitor, Mr. Kirkland wore an annoyed expression as Alfred obnoxiously scooted very close to him and the desk creaked across the ruined floor. Well, it looks like now he had no choice...
"Okay, okay. I don't have a choice at all." Mr. Kirkland sighed and held a hand over his forehead, feeling an intense pounding sensation in it now. "The hall monitor of the day is...Alfred Jones."
"FUCK YEEEEEEEAH~!" Mr. Kirkland and everyone else stared with widened eyes as Alfred all but rocked launched himself out of his desk and landed by the teacher giving a salute. "Alfred F. Jones reporting for duty, sir! I will protect all that are weak in the HALL!" His heroic, booming voice was too loud and everyone immediately plugged their throbbing ears. "I will overcome evil in the HALL! I will see to it that peace is achieved and the brave and innocent stand tall in victory...IN THE HALL!"
"Okay, we get it." Alfred's heroic moment came to a crashing stop and he appeared to be disappointed as he turned to an exhausted and possibly deaf Mr. Kirkland holding a blue hat and belt. "Please Alfred, just shut up and take the hat and belt..."
Alfred swatted the hat and belt away. "I can't accept the uniform sir. First I have to make an epic speech about how I'm going to be a memorable name in future history."
"You can't make this easy, can you...?" Mr. Kirkland sighed, and all was silent for a few moments until...
"CLASSMATES!" Alfred struggled to hold back a choked sob as he faced his public and tried to comprehend his destiny as an epic hall monitor. "Who...who am I to receive such a great honor? I would be nothing without...Mr. Kirkland!"
"Give me a goddamn break..." Mr. Kirkland murmured to himself with narrowed eyes as he looked away from Alfred walking to the very front of the classroom all choked up about how the teacher was his support and about the great honor.
"And to my beautiful public...I have to say that I'm so damn touched right now I can't speak. And further more..."
16 Minutes Later
"...I will carry out my act with great confidence and pride and victory will be near...IN THE HALL!"
20 Minutes Later
"...Which is somewhat like the whole American Dream thing, huh? And anyway, I will now recite a speech I Googled and will present it in the same manner that the greatest hall monitor of all time wrote up!"
"Alfred-"
"'Friends, students, juvenile delinquents, lend me your ear'..."
Unknown Amount of time Later
Along with everyone else, Mr. Kirkland was crashed onto his desk sleeping like a rock. Alfred hadn't even realized, for he has been too involved by his speech to notice the reaction's of his public.
"...In conclusion." Everyone immediately woke up, happy with what they just heard. This was probably the only part of his speech that they honestly enjoyed the most, this was finally over. "Now I will put on this uniform and assume my duties as the hall monitor!" Alfred clasped the dark blue belt around his waist, put on the hat of the same color, and strutted over to the door just as the bell began to ring and drown out his comment.
Alas, he hadn't gotten to do any of his hall monitor duties because of his big-ass speech. All of the other students pretty much trampled Alfred as they raced out the door to go home for the day. Seeing the boy flat on his face on the floor covered in marks and scrapes, Mr. Kirkland took pity on him and came over, helping him to his feet.
"I'm afraid you over did the speech." Mr. Kirkland offered a rare tiny smile as Alfred got up to his feet, but found himself feeling even more sympathetic when he noticed that the boy's face had fallen and he was looking downcast.
"Damn. I guess I won't be needing the uniform..." Alfred's shaky hands reached for the hat and belt and he handed them back to Mr. Kirkland, whom was feeling more and more down from his contagious sadness. "Hardly knew 'ya." He stuffed his hands in his pockets and began to sulk away.
In the few years of having Alfred as a student, Mr. Kirkland hadn't ever seen the boy this depressed. He was always so bold and had a big mouth, always determined and hated to show his weak side to anyone. He couldn't admit that Alfred was his favorite student and he cared about him as if he were a brother deep down, that was too hard for him to bring himself to do.
Before Alfred could sulk home into the sunset, Mr. Kirkland took a step forward and sighed. "Ah...Alfred?"
"Yes...Mr. Kirkland?" Alfred choked, turning around and meeting his concerned face.
"I could at least let you WEAR the uniform until tomorrow." Mr. Kirkland muttered, glancing away from the boy's surprised expression. He could feel this sick feeling of happiness well in his chest at seeing the results of him being concerned for a change.
"REALLY? THANK YOU SO MUCH!" Alfred swiped the uniform and put it back on, happily glomping Mr. Kirkland afterward and then running away and laughing.
Mr. Kirkland still stood there, rooted to the spot. Not sure whether to feel relieved that Alfred regained his spirits, or extremely panicked of what mass destruction was impending.
"What are the consequences of what I have just done? Oh...we're all screwed..." With a shudder, Mr. Kirkland turned on the heels of his feet and back into the school to grade some papers.
He had this disturbing and paranoid mental image of Alfred letting the power of wearing the uniform go straight to his head. And was becoming sure that this would be a reality...
X
Dammit, he loved wearing this hall monitor uniform! Even if he wasn't technically in charge of the halls, it still gave him a comfortable feeling of power. And Mr. Kirkland did seem okay with it anyway, maybe Alfred could patrol the city and then give the status report back to him. Yeah! That's a perfect plan! Then he could prove to him how heroic he is and get some attention and admiration around here!
Feeling empowered, Alfred strolled through the city. He was glad to see that everything looked nice and peaceful for now. There were no thieves, mass murders, natural disasters, rapists, thugs, rough guys trying to convince people to join cults, some stoned people offering illegal drugs...so far so good-
Whoa, what was going on over there on the highways? Alfred gasped and surveyed the chaos before him in horror; the traffic lights were broken and several vehicles were coming and going crazily with uncertainty over what to do.
He even voiced this unnecessarily of all things. "No! The traffic lights are broken! I can't let those drivers go about with crappy directions...so...this is a job for the HALL MONITOR!"
A little bit later after maneuvering his way towards the highway, the hall monitor did all kinds of off-the-wall actions and gestures to direct the bustling traffic. Of course, all of the drivers assumed that he had lost his fucking mind by doing this; yet they realized that they had no choice but to let him direct them.
Shortly, after directing one last bus, Alfred stepped out of the huge cloud of smoke looking proud of himself while brushing off his hands.
He then laughed and took off happily. "Just wait until Mr. Kirkland finds out how well I directed the traffic, he's going to realize I have been paying attention to his lessons after all~"
What Alfred didn't see, was the utter aftermath of raw destruction behind him. Several vehicles were crashed into each other or overturned and there were even flames rising. Thankfully, none of the drivers had gotten too injured or murdered. But they were moaning about their legs that were suddenly so numb or were crushed to death.
"Now let's see what else we'll find on the patrol..." Alfred happily walked downtown, but gasped and stopped walking immediately when something caught his eye. "Oh no, it's an open window!"
He immediately ran back over to the fair-sized, cozy little home and peaked through the window which was, gasp, open as apposed to closed for protection! Alfred surveyed the inside, not bothering to notice that he was probably looking like a peeping tom at this moment to any people passing by.
The window showed a view of a small kitchen with well-coordinated wall and floor colors. The large fridge, appliances, and cabinets were visible in the corners and a table was in the very center of the room.
But Alfred was mostly looking at the young couple eating some kind of delicious medley at the table. They must have been in their twenties at least, a guy and a girl.
The guy had dark brown hair, purple eyes, a naturally blank expression was on his face, and he was dressed rather well as if he had just come back from work or something. And the chick had light brown hair down her back, green eyes, and was smiling as she was impressed with herself for making a good medley, and she wore a pretty and casual long-sleeved purple dress.
But the brunette girl suddenly released her hold on her spoon and looked over at her boyfriend/husband (?) with that same smile reappearing. "Would you like some more medley, Roderich?"
Her boyfriend/husband(?) simply nodded at the question. But it was apparent that he must have liked the medley seeing as though the bowl was totally empty.
"The fools!" Alfred gasped, turning away from the window and looking deeply horrified by the fact that these two forgot to close their window. Granted this wasn't as bad as leaving a door open completely or unlocked...but still! "Don't they know that four out of five break ins are caused by open windows? Well, apparently, they don't because they didn't close the window! I must show them the error of their ways...through example!" He grinned impishly and then took off to this little shop nearby that sold costumes.
A few moments later, inside the little house with the open window, Roderich and Elizabeta were eating their seconds bowls of this delicious medley without a care in the world. Most of their meals were always like this, nice and peaceful. Absolutely nothing in the world mattered because it was just the two of them...
Wait, what the hell was that sharp cry? Roderich and Elizabeta's eyes widened as they looked at each other and then turned to the offending open window. That's when they saw a strange blond teenager jump through their window wearing your typical white, black striped shirt, black pants and shoes, and mask that a burglar would wear on the job. They couldn't help but be bewildered and so caught off guard.
"Everyone put your hands up and drop what you're doing!" Alfred snapped, purposely making his voice sound deep and gruff as he pulled out a gun that wasn't loaded at all and aimed it at the couple. "I'm a maniac with a gun, and I ain't afraid to shoot!"
The couple just stared, frozen in their shock and unable to move an inch. They didn't listen and put their hands up, as they were still frozen in the middle of taking bites of the tasty medley of theirs. Alfred tried to show no mercy and scowled evilly at them, hoping that he was a convincing bad guy here.
1 Minute Later
"I KNEW MOVING HERE WAS A BAD IDEA! YOU WOULDN'T LISTEN TO ME, WOULD YOU, RODERICH?"
Alfred smiled as he walked back over to the window and watched Roderich and Elizabeta run for their lives out of the house and down the streets. Probably to go call the cops or something with their cell phones. But that was okay, it was funny as hell seeing them react so dramatically to his act. Even if he had gotten punched in the face by Elizabeta and his eye was beginning to swell from it.
"I hope you learned a valuable lesson~!" Alfred laughed and went back inside the home, making sure to close the window behind him. Apparently, he did not care that he had just scared the shit out of two innocent people that could call the cops on him.
Unknown Amount of Time Later
"I'm on patrol~ Oh yes, I'm on patrol~!"
Alfred happily walked along the streets of downtown and happened to be by a large metal fence. That's when he saw it. He gasped and pointed a finger at the horrifying...
Puddle of some sort of pink goo-like substance.
"Someone littered/spilled some pink crap on the side of the street! What a scandal!" Alfred bent down lower and ran a finger through the puddle, sticking it in his mouth and tasting what appeared now to be ice cream. "Strawberry...!"
His guess was correct. There was, in fact, a big puddle of melting strawberry ice cream. Normally, this wouldn't classify as a big deal. Because ice cream was one of Alfred's favorite foods. But this was such a scandal seeing as though it classified as the horrible sin of...littering. On the side of the street no less!
Whomever did this, clearly had no shame. Alfred stood back up and glared as he dramatically adjusted the tip of his hat. "I must act-" He all but shrieked girlishly when another big puddle of strawberry ice cream showered over him. It was so damn cold!
After recovering, and looking around in paranoia to make sure that nobody had heard his shriek, Alfred glanced up at where this shower of freaking cold ice cream was being spilled from. And he found the culprit.
His culprit was none other than Feliciano Vargas; a fifteen year old Italian male whom attended Mr. Kirkland's driving school as well. But he usually tended to skip out on classes because he was too easily distracted by things he would run into on his way to the class. Alfred and Feliciano have talked a little in past encounters, but didn't know each other enough to be considered friends.
At the current time: Feliciano was happily licking away at his ice cream cone as he sat on the large metal fence and dangled his legs over the edge. Alfred watched him whilst grimacing as he noticed that most of the ice cream was ending up on the ground rather than his mouth. He really needs to open his eyes more...
"Feliciano." Feliciano immediately stopped mid-lick at hearing his name and looked around stupidly, wondering who could be talking to him. "Feliciano!" His gaze settled on his ice cream cone, and he shakily extended a finger to tap the end. "Feliciano! Answer me!"
"VE! MY ICE CREAM IS ALIVE! AAAAAAAH!" In his panic, Feliciano tossed the 'living' ice cream cone...unknowingly, it smacked into Alfred's face perfectly.
"Feliciano, down here!"
"Ve...?" Feliciano's rapidly beating heart calmed down, as did his panic. He sighed with relief as he looked at his maybe-friend Alfred. "Oh, Alfred, it's you!"
"Feliciano..." Alfred growled, now looking annoyed as Feliciano had accidentally thrown his evil 'talking' strawberry ice cream cone right in his face and he had remains dripping off. "Come down here."
Doing as told, Feliciano happily smiled and stood up on the metal fence, trying to gain balance. He then hopped off and shakily onto his feet. But something wasn't quiet right once he hit the ground...he no longer saw Alfred...
Until he looked down and noticed that he was standing on Alfred's back, effectively and surprisingly crushing him into the ground. Feliciano just giggled and stepped off. "Hahaha~ you look funny like that!" He took the hint after seeing Alfred glare at him, and he got down and pulled him up to his feet by his crushed shoulders. "There, Alfred."
"That's HALL MONITOR to you!" Alfred snapped, glaring harder at the cowering Italian as he adjusted his uniform angrily.
"Ve...s-sorry, officer..."
"Sorry isn't good enough, Feliciano! You just committed one of the worst crimes off all and it's my duty to take you in!"
This only made Feliciano even more confused and terrified. His eyes began to widen and his body trembled pathetically. Had he really committed a horrible crime? Had he really broken the law? This was horrible...! His grandpa would be so disappointed in him for unknowingly getting into trouble with the law!
"W-what crime...?" Feliciano whimpered, his eyes tearing as he looked at Alfred for any kind of answers. The other student merely wore a poker face as he gestured to the large puddle of strawberry ice cream and it's cone. And at seeing the proof, the legit evidence, Feli buried his face in his hands and began to sob dramatically. "Ve! I'm a sinful person...!"
Feliciano proceeded to cry and freak out for his horrible sins that he never even intended to commit in the first place, and meanwhile, Alfred grimaced and tried to ignore him as he wrote down a ticket on this notepad he had with him. And they both suddenly froze when they heard what sounded like a child yelling.
And they looked up to see a young boy, probably about twelve, run down the streets towards them flashing newspapers to everyone dramatically. He had blond hair, somewhat thick eyebrows, and blue eyes. He wore some stupid looking green outfit as well. "EXTRA! EXTRA! MANIAC HEADED STRAIGHT FOR THE CITY; EVERYONE IS PARALYZED WITH PURE HORROR!" The kid panted from his yelling and tossed a newspaper to Alfred's awaiting hands. "Here, take this. And, guys, arm yourselves with knowledge!"
The kid said nothing else, he just ran away to some other people with his newspapers so that they could arm themselves with knowledge as well. Of course, it's unlikely that Alfred and Feliciano would really be knowledgeable considering that they both were pretty stupid at times...
Seeing as though the kid was gone, Alfred read over the newspaper extra and Feliciano glanced over his shoulder – having suddenly forgotten about his earlier of self-proclaimed sins of littering ice cream.
"Ve? What is going on, Alfred?"
"Let me see." Alfred brought the paper closer to his face (A/N: Newspaper print is extremely tiny after all...), he gasped and his tone was wavering as he read the news aloud. "That kid was right! A maniac is in the town and he already caused destruction with bustling traffic – thankfully the only injury was one dude complaining about his leg – and break ins!" He and Feliciano looked at each other with fearful looks, before Alfred tossed away the newspaper very randomly.
It didn't seem to occur to Alfred that this maniac was most likely himself. After all: he had been the one to cause so much destruction with guiding the traffic and he dressed up as a burglar and invaded some young couples' house. He knew that he could be the only hero among the people to step up and bring this sick maniac to justice!
Feliciano, meanwhile, was more than terrified at the fact there was some maniac roaming the city up to no good at all. It was scary; what if this guy tried to do something crazy to him? Like...take away his virginity without permission or break into his home and steal his precious belongings!
"Who's going to bring this guy to justice?" Feliciano fearfully asked Alfred as he tried to stop shaking in fear.
"Who else?" Alfred suddenly responded, spinning around on the heels of his feet and grinning. "I'm the HALL MONITOR and it's my job to be the hero and save the day from this fiend! But this case is too big for me to handle on my own...I'll need a deputy of some kind."
His sapphire eyes scanned the area in search of a trusted person to be his deputy. If Alfred could find someone to help him with this big case, Mr, Kirkland would be so impressed and his reputation at school would soar to knew heights once everyone found out how he brought a maniac to justice!
Of course, the only person in his line of vision was Feliciano still standing there twiddling his thumbs. Even if this guy was pretty cowardly sometimes, maybe he wouldn't make too bad of a partner. Besides, they got along surprisingly well and Feliciano could use some popularity at school as well.
"Feliciano," Alfred swiveled to the nervous Italian. "Are you ready to give up your life of crime and leave your sins behind you?"
"I want to be good...!" Feliciano's voice cracked in his sadness and he pressed his hands to his eyes and sobbed as Alfred stroked his imaginary beard of sage-level wisdom.
"Well, it's always good to turn you life around and leave the past behind you. Now...all you need is a symbol of authority." Feliciano, now looking thoughtful, smiled and scooped up the now-empty waffle cone on the side of the road that he dropped previously. He placed it atop his head and gestured to it, Alfred nodded approvingly at the symbol. "Perfect!"
"Now, it's our duty to being the maniac to justice." Alfred mentioned in a surprisingly serious tone of voice after surveying the area closer for any sight of the maniac that the annoying kid with the large eyebrows was yelling about. He wasn't sure how to proceed with the investigation. So he turned to his now-deputy Feliciano. "Feliciano, you're an ex-criminal. What would you do if you were in the same situation as the maniac we're after?"
Feliciano was silent for a moment as he considered the question. Even if he disliked the fact his partner had just called him an ex-criminal – as he didn't want to be remembered as such a horrible excuse of a person – he mulled over what he would do in this situation. An idea came to mind and he smiled brightly.
"I'd get some gelato~!"
"...That makes sense! Maybe the maniac is Italian or has a tooth!"
X
Alfred and Feliciano happily exited the convenient Italian restaurant downtown each stuffing their face with some very delicious gelato they had taken out.
Once a little distance away from the restaurant, the duo froze and while Feliciano downed the rest of the desert, Alfred paused in the middle of eating his own container and turned to face his deputy.
"Okay, now what?"
"Veee~..."
1-2 Minutes later
Once again, Alfred and Feliciano happily exited the Italian restaurant eating some more gelato like the gluttons they both were. The former hadn't even heard of this kind of desert before, but it honestly tasted even more delicious the second time.
Now away from the establishment and on the sidelines of the road, the two had finished their second containers of the desert and tossed them into the trashcan.
"Shockingly, this isn't working." Alfred mentioned once tossing the empty container into the trashcan. "We need to try and follow the maniac's trail now that we know he stopped to get gelato. So now we need to follow his trail exactly. We need," From what could have easily been thin air, Alfred pulled out two walky talkies. "Walky talkies!"
"Oh my God, I always wanted one of these!" Feliciano screeched randomly and reached for one of Alfred's walky talkies, hugging it closely to his chest just like he did any adorable cat that he found on the streets. Which...seemed quite odd to the random people passing by from a distance.
"And now," Alfred struck a heroic pose. "Duty calls! Deputy Feliciano, you patrol this part of downtown, and I'll patrol some other part of the town!"
And just like that, Alfred ran down the streets farther into town imitating a police siren as he did so. And Feliciano still stood there in his original position watching it all. This was just so great! They were going to capture an actual bad guy and would probably become so popular in school and their reputations would soar to endless heights!
Before Feliciano could walk away to go patrol the streets of downtown for the maniac they were searching for, he could make out the sound of an actual police siren going off and looked back to see a police car driving at a fair speed down the nearby street. The man in the driver's seat whom looked like he was in his twenties, gazed out and upon seeing someone there to talk to, he parked the car in front of him and rolled down the window.
Feliciano just smiled innocently, looking closely through the rolled down window seeing a guy with slicked back blond hair, light blue eyes, and wearing the usual police uniform. His partner in the passenger side looked to be in his twenties as well and had lighter hair and crimson eyes. He wore the same uniform.
"Afternoon." The first policeman greeted Feliciano with a blank face.
"Hello, brothers~!" Feliciano proudly gestured to the cone on his head whilst smiling, causing the two policemen to exchange mildly concerned looks.
But, seeing as though they needed leads on the maniac they were instructed to go after and arrest at any cost, the first policeman rested an arm on the edge of the window and sighed. "Listen, we're looking for the maniac that's causing destruction in the city."
The second policeman nodded and then held out a poster that had a picture taken of Alfred when he was directing traffic. In this picture; he was facing the camera but looking off at a bus while holding out his arms with his index fingers hanging low.
"Have you seen...THIS GUY?" The second policeman asked dramatically, holding out the poster to Feliciano's view.
Feliciano was standing there dumbly until he noticed the poster. Even though it was painfully obvious that this maniac they were after was the heroic hall monitor, Alfred himself, the Italian didn't realize and screeched in terror at seeing the maniac. "AAAAAH! IT'S THE MANIAC...!" Then, Feliciano paused to cower and shake and shiver. "TAKE IT AWAY! T-TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME!"
The policemen both jerked backward and stared with widened eyes at Feliciano's freaked reaction to a...piece of paper of all things.
The first to recover from the shock was the first blond policeman. His expression melted to one of concern as he awkwardly said, "C-calm down; it's only a photo of the maniac, not the real thing!" Once Feliciano stopped shaking, yet still whimpered and hugged himself, the first policeman sighed with relief and returned to his default expression. "Now my brother is going to show you the picture again, and you are to tell us if you've seen the guy. Do you understand?"
"Ve~ I understand perfectly!"
"Very well then..." The first policeman turned to his brother and instructed him to reveal the horrifying poster of Alfred directing traffic. And he did so.
"OH MY GOD...! IT'S HIDEOUS!"
Once again, somewhat more cautiously, the first policeman's brother raised the poster. "IT'S THE DEVIL INCARNATED...!"
The one with silver hair once again lowered the poster and the two policemen sank in their seats and exchanged confused expressions as to why this guy was freaking out over a mere photo of the maniac. Sure, these times were very much filled with stress and paranoia from the wrath of the maniac, but did Feliciano have to crank it up to eleven and lose his shit over it?
Wait a minute, it may be sort of fun to see how insane this poor Italian could get. The second policeman grinned wickedly from ear to ear and nudged his younger brother's shoulder, while he caught on and the corners of his lips formed a tiny smirk in understanding.
Just to be cruel and get Feliciano going, the brothers smirked and leaned against the window, the second policeman continuously revealing the poster of the maniac and then pulling it away.
Reveal. "AAAAH!" Take away.
Reveal. "AAAAH!" Take away.
Reveal. "OH MY GOD!" Take away.
Reveal double time. "HOLY CRAAAAAAAP!" Take away.
Tired of being asses, the policemen leaned back upright in their seats and the second placed the offending picture of Alfred and stuck it to the floor. The first put back on a stoic expression.
"Stay indoors."
"Oh, and take that waffle cone off your head." The second policeman mentioned with an amused smirk, and he promptly started laughing obnoxiously as his brother rolled his eyes and drove away.
Feliciano was left on the side of the street mentally scarred for life and unsure of what to do. He couldn't believe that Alfred was the maniac...he...he just couldn't! Of all the times that he had encountered the American, he never once suspected him of being capable of so much tragedy!
But maybe those two policemen were right. Well, just to make sure, Feliciano pulled out his walky talky and proceeded to try and get into contact with Alfred about this matter.
"Ve! Alfred! Come in Alfred, please answer!"
It took a few seconds, seeing as though Alfred had been surveying another part of downtown where one of the posters of the maniac just happened to be although he failed epically in noticing it. "What is it, Feliciano?"
Promptly, Feliciano shivered and struggled to hold onto the device. "I don't want to be a policeman anymore! I feel so scared and helpless!"
"Get a hold of yourself, deputy! When you're on the force, you have to be ready to set aside your feelings and true personality in order to achieve goals and bring the criminal to justice."
That was when Feliciano broke down into tears. Knowing very well that he wasn't good at this policeman thing and failed at holding back his feelings and being stoic to catch the criminal. He just wasn't made out for this! The tears rolled down his cheeks and he sobbed hysterically.
"Ohhh! I WANT TO GO HOME...! I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!"
On the other side of town, Alfred sighed deeply in pity for his deputy. "Poor rookie...okay, well, I guess we can end the patrol today and catch up on it tomorrow after Mr. Kirkland's boating classes."
"HURRY, Alfred!" Feliciano gasped, looking upward at the sky as he took notice of the bright blue sky rapidly fading into orange and darkness nearing. "Ve! I think that it's getting..." Darkness fell instantly and he whimpered. "Dark."
"Just put on your siren and I'll be right there, Feliciano."
The curtain of darkness falling over him was very intimidating for Feliciano. He shivered, suddenly feeling a bitter cold wind go down his shirt descending upon his spine. He was totally alone and worst of all: his friend was the maniac that the police were after and he could be sent to prison for God-knows-how-long. This just...it was too much to take in calmly.
"W-weeee wooo..." Feliciano shakily called out, trying to imitate a police siren so that Alfred could hear him. He hugged the walky talky close to his chest in fear and shivered to death as he went down the side of the empty road. "Ve~ Weeee woooo..."
He stopped a few moments later having reached an intersection. On the ground was a familiar photo. He glanced at it curiously and grasped it, staring in fear at the familiar American teenager directing traffic. Suddenly, he heard footsteps and felt a pair of eyes watching him from a distant.
Ever so slowly, Feliciano lowered the poster and dropped it to the traffic-less street at his side. After having compared the photo he was looking at and then the familiar face standing a small distance away in the street, Feliciano's eyes snapped open and he shrieked rather girlishly.
"VE! WE WOO! WE WOO!" Feliciano began to tremble and he shakily pointed a finger as he spoke into the device in his hand. "Alfred...! I see the maniac!"
From the intersection, Alfred's dark blond brows furrowed and he concentrated on the device in his hands. "Where is he, deputy?"
The view was not very good considering that it was already pitch black outside and he could barely make out anything else except the intersection and Alfred which were lit up by one large streetlight. Feliciano kept one hand on the talking device and then lifted his hand over his forehead and strained his eyes.
"Uh...he's at the intersection of North and South." Feliciano remarked, just a little bit worried since the darkness was thick and he could only see the sign to a degree.
Meanwhile, at the intersection, Alfred's body tensed up and his breath hitched in his throat when he craned his neck to see a sign revealing the fact that this was the intersection of North and South.
Oh crap.
"H-he's right on top of me...! I can't see him though...!" Alfred caught his breath and shakily spoke hoarsely into the device, "Feliciano, where is the maniac on the intersection?"
Once again, a small distance away form the dim-lit intersection, Feliciano gulped and held onto his device tighter. "He's just...just standing there with so much evil and hatred...LIKE THE DEMON HE IS!"
Back at the intersection, Alfred's brows furrowed as he stared at the device in his hands. He was honestly scared shitless and paranoid about the maniac being somewhere in the same location as him, but he had to be strong and not let that show...he had to remain indifferent...
"HE'S SO EVIL, ALFRED! AS SOMEONE WHO RETREATS FROM DANGER A LOT, I INSIST YOU GET OUT OF THERE!"
That caused him to break. Alfred promptly slammed the device back into his pocket of assumed hammerspace and screamed in fear at the fact the evil maniac was that bad.
"VE! HIS MANIAC SHRIEK JUST FILLED THE AIR! NOW HE'S GOING TO ATTACK!" Alfred promptly began crying his eyes out and flailing while he ran around the streetlight in circles. "...He's acting kind of cowardly...RETREAT! IT COULD ALL BE A FACADE!"
Doing as frantically told, Alfred ceased his very un-manly reaction to the news and immediately ran and took cover behind a rather convenient nearby building. Once there, he cautiously looked around for any signs of the maniac's presence.
"Ve! Alfred, wait! The maniac just went behind that building!" Alfred lost all color in his face and gasped before running away. "C-crouch behind that intersection sign to the right!"
Alfred once again did as told and went straight for the sign, and crouched behind it. Feliciano was terrified at the fact that the maniac was still there. "No wait! He's there too! Uhm...uh...get under that streetlight for protection and vision!"
Quite frantically, Alfred sprinted to the streetlight and pressed himself against the pole, he was exhausted and his chest rose and fell quickly as he tried to catch his breath. But he gazed around with the aid of the alternative source of light and was kind of confused to not see anyone else but Feliciano a small distance away shivering and gasping.
"Alfred, he's there too!" Alfred's eyes widened and he near dropped the device in his hands. "Oh...RUN FOR YOUR LIFE...!"
Seconds Later
This didn't make any sense at all! Feliciano was talking as if the maniac was right there behind him...but he never once got a good look at this maniac. Come to think of it, he was sure that he would have had to outrun this freaky person with the way he was approving the action of retreating.
It was a good thing that there was a large postal mailbox near the intersection. Once Alfred had taken off in full retreat mode once again, he was able to just about throw himself inside the large opening and fall into the piles of letters and small boxes. He sighed with relief and rested against the spacious wall of the box, positive at this moment that he had escaped the maniac.
Of course, it was not heroic at all to go into retreat mode. But that was just fine...Alfred would take this moment of silence to contemplate his next move on how to capture this fiend and bring him to justice.
"Ve...Al...Alfred..." Alfred's eyelids fluttered open and he glanced over at his walky talky with little interest. At long last, he pushed off the few letters covering it and grabbed it.
"You say something, Feliciano?"
"Alfred...the maniac...he's IN THE MAILBOX."
Alfred's eyes snapped open in horror and he immediately screamed and burst out of the mailbox.
A Few More Destructive Moments Later
"AAAAAAH! DANGER! ALERT! AAAAAAH! GET AWAAAAAY!"
There was so much more screaming heard from Alfred as he ran around the abnormally quiet and not busy intersection. Feliciano stood a distance and watched with fear as his partner and actual maniac ran around in circles, tripped over streetlights and signs which collided with unstable buildings and made them topple over, and accidentally cause so much destruction to downtown without even realizing it.
And at long last, Alfred flew right by him in a flurry of wind and crashed head first through a weak old fence into some random person's yard. Feliciano flinched and looked around at all of the damage that had been caused and despite scared to death, he over to where Alfred lied in pain on the grass and helped him up to his feet.
"Alfred...?" Feliciano sighed with relief once Alfred made it up to his feet. He was really worried from the way that he suddenly freaked out – which was something he really didn't expect from the guy whom always acted bold and wild, willing to take on any sort of challenge.
Alfred glanced down at a poster on the person's yard. He rose a brow and scooped it up, looking at the photo attached he almost smiled enviously. "Check this guy out, Feliciano! He's not bad looking for a maniac..."
Feliciano once again shook and shivered at looking over Alfred's shoulder at the photo. He honestly wondered if Alfred realized that this was a poster of the maniac...the picture was of himself directing traffic...which was legit information that he was indeed the maniac of whom he had been searching for all afternoon and into the night.
But, no words had to be exchanged for Alfred to look more closely at this poster and come to a stunning realization. He was scarily silent as his eyes took in the appearance...of himself from earlier using crazy antics to direct traffic.
That was why Feliciano was freaking out about the maniac being wherever he was! That was why he never even saw this person! That was why...he saw himself on a poster with the words 'WANTED: MANIAC OF THE TOWN' in large print at the bottom.
In shock, Alfred tensed up and dropped the poster to the well-kept lawn beneath their feet. "Feliciano...I'm the maniac we have been looking for all day."
Feliciano, choked up at the realization, proceeded to tear up and cling to Alfred in fear as he heard police sirens in the distance. This was it, the moment of which they would both be under control of the government! They would be locked in a cell with untrustworthy scum of people! And if push comes to shove, they would be executed right this second! The horror of it all!
Maybe they should have ran, but Alfred refused to retreat this time. How could he now after the jig was up? He couldn't avoid getting caught red-handed by the man, and maybe he did deserve this treatment after all. He tried to be heroic and help the town...but what did it do in the end? What went wrong?
And in this country, the criminal will get what's coming to them no matter what the cost.
Unbelievably, and perhaps unrealistically fast, police cars lined up at the yard of which they were standing on. As quick as the night had fallen, policemen got out and surrounded them. Feliciano could pick out the two brothers that he had encountered earlier that day being asses with the poster leading everyone to the criminal.
And seeing as though there was nowhere to run, he had done all that he could do, Alfred raised his hands in defeat. It was not done with shame and hopelessness, but he did it with honor remaining because he fully knew he had at least made an effort to right the wrong things of this town.
As apposed to Feliciano, whom had raised his hands with proud defeat and hopelessness the moment he heard the sirens in the distance.
"Alright, you two don't move and nobody will get hurt." The first policeman warned the surrendering teenagers. As if to terrify them, he took an intimidating step forward.
Before anything could be done, before the final verdict could be given on Alfred and Feliciano's fate, lights flickered on through the windows of the house and literally everyone turned to see a scowling man roughly yank open his front door and step out.
Alfred and Feliciano immediately flinched, noticing how strikingly familiar the man was. His hair was blond and tousled, sticking up occasionally in places, his emerald eyes were revealing much anger just like the scowl that had contorted across his young features, and he wore only a white t-shirt and green lounging pants. They just took a good look at the house and yard now that had had light, and the two partners in crime fully noticed that this was indeed Mr. Kirkland's house...oh crap...
"Alfred F. Jones! What the hell are you doing surrendering to policemen in my yard?"
"Mr. Kirkland-"
Mr. Kirkland just continued scowling and shoved past the confused policemen, making his way over to the both of his students. He realized that Feliciano was there, but he couldn't pin the blame on him because he had seen the live news broadcasts and was certain that Alfred was the 'manic' and behind all of this panic and mayhem.
"I knew that it was a mistake to let you do this! You always let power go straight to your head!" Mr. Kirkland paused to sigh and shake his head, but then he reverted back to being pissed off and he placed his hands on his hips. "Alfred, I don't know what the hell goes through your mind, but I do hope that this experience as proven to you that you are completely irresponsible!"
With each insult, Alfred's hands lowered and fell to his sides. And his face fell as he glanced at the ground. But he wasn't sure...what he could say in this moment. The thought that Mr. Kirkland probably really hated him now, it made him sick...
"Excuse me," The first policeman made his way over to Mr. Kirkland and cleared his throat. "Your neighbors called us reporting that the maniac was in your yard and we need to do something-"
"Back off! I've yet to finish this rant!"
The first policeman's eyes widened at the hostile tone, and for once in his life, he said nothing and raised his hands, backing up all the way back to his original position.
Huffing, Mr. Kirkland looked back at Alfred and folded his arms against his chest. "Tell me, Alfred, why did you cause so much destruction? Why would you drag Feliciano of all people into this mess? And dear God, tell me what made you think that you were helping the city!"
Feliciano joined the policemen in looking back and forth at this drama. He felt equally as bad as Alfred, he understood now that everything was said and done, he should have either revealed to Alfred the reverse effect of his actions, or simply not have chosen to be his deputy at all.
But he still raised his arms high as if to surrender.
Alfred couldn't meet Mr. Kirkland's eyes, he glanced down at his lawn hesitant to go on with a comeback. He knew that it didn't matter what he said, his teacher would still hate him forever and refuse to acknowledge any good things about him.
"I..."
"Don't think about lying! I need to hear the truth!"
"I...I didn't realize I had caused so much chaos back there. I guess, just wearing this uniform I felt power at my fingertips..." Alfred's eyes screwed shut as we went on. "Look, it doesn't matter what I say...I know you're probably going to still hate me and allow the cops to do whatever with me!"
Mr. Kirkland seemed to be hesitant for a moment, as if surprised to hear that. But his face was still indifferent even as he spoke, "I don't hate you."
Alfred, equally surprised, raised his head and was about to make a comment about that. But then the second policeman walked up to his side and one of his light brows arched in confusion.
"You know this teenager?"
Mr. Kirkland sighed and folded his arms over his chest. "Of COURSE I know him. He is one of my students in a driver's ed school, and I AM the one that gave him the uniform in the first place because he wanted it so badly..." It didn't take ten seconds for all of the policeman to stare in surprise and then their eyes to narrow angrily as they all shifted to Mr. Kirkland. Soon enough, the teacher realized what he just confessed and his eyes widened. "Did I just put the blame on myself...?"
Alfred and Feliciano really didn't like what was coming next. But seeing as though the blame shifted towards Mr. Kirkland for even giving the uniform to the latter, both teenagers managed to retreat and go straight to their homes.
X
The Next Morning
The next morning at Mr. Kirkland's school, all of the class was once again in their desks either sound asleep drooling on their papers, or hardly awake at all and staring in an annoyed manner at their teacher.
Coming to school never had been more rough for Alfred and Feliciano, just about everyone had heard about the 'maniac' that had run amok in the city and that it was really just the both of them trying to be the heroes. Of course, not wanting his reputation to go downhill, Alfred was quick to reveal to everyone that Mr. Kirkland had taken the blame after accidentally blurting out his role in this chaos. This saved his ass, and he was almost relieved to know that.
But as he made his way to his desk and took his seat, he kept his head down the entire time and refused to look up at Mr. Kirkland's annoyed face. He still wasn't sure if he really disliked him or not. His comment of not hating him...that really got his head spinning with questions about his true thoughts.
"...And in conclusion, class. Red means stop and green naturally means go. Should you see yellow, that is your signal to slow down." Alfred continued to keep his head down as he jotted the valuable information that Mr. Kirkland was revealing to the class. "Now then, Alfred Jones..."
Hearing his name, Alfred was nervous to look up. But he got a tad bit of confidence when he shifted his eyes to the left to see Feliciano forcing a smile as is signaling him to do anyway. So, the American lifted his head and gazed at Mr. Kirkland. "Yes, Mr. Kirkland?"
Everyone in the class looked up at the computer placed on Mr. Kirkland's desk where the teacher was currently teaching via a webcam from the local prison. He wore the usual prison attire and on the chain gang with some rough-looking thugs. "I would like to see you after class." Mr. Kirkland paused to look down at the chains bounding him to a rather bulky and menacing man currently trying to make a cameo in the shot. "Six bloody months from now..."
Alfred just put his head back down immediately and began to write his notes at a rapid speed.
To Be Continued Six Months From Now.
…
…
...Just kidding. The End.
X
Arthur will get Alfred's ass when those sick months of manual labor and webcam sessions are up. And I say this with much suggestive implications because we all know he deserves it after all the chaos he went through. Seme!England, anyone? *I get shot to my death*
*Revives* Ahem, yeah anyway, I hope the story was to your liking. You are free to use your imagination on whether or not Arthur disliked Alfred or not. :)
If you have any suggestions for more Spongebob Squarepants parodies, feel free to offer some in your review! R&R and get all the gelato you can possibly eat from the aforementioned Italian restaurant!
...That actually sounds good. BRB. *Leaves to prepare some gelato for herself*
~MidnightSakuraBlossom