Author's Note: Here is a very unplanned little one-shot loosely inspired by a song. Can you guess which song that is? (Hint: it was just released). Hope you enjoy it :)
Some advice to anyone who thinks going to Wisconsin in the middle of winter is a good idea, it isn't. The frigid, dry wind make the days even more insufferable than they may otherwise be. The bare, snow-covered trees and the icy pavement surely don't help the state's case. With that said, there is something to be said regarding the never ending nostalgia such a scene can bring to some, especially for someone who has been away from such a scenery for quite some time.
Jackie Burkarhart clutches her long brown coat closer to her body. Her tall boots, she now realizes, are not particularly practical for the weather as they do nothing to warm her toes. After spending nine consecutive winters in California, she has severely underestimated how cold winters were in Wisconsin. She laughs internally at how silly it was of her to do so. She is, after all, a native Wisconsinite and should have known to prepare better. Surely, the short dresses she brought with her will do her no good during this trip.
She stands quietly in front of the gates of the wondrous house she once called home. The large architectural masterpiece that lays just feet from her is perfect. The red bricks wonderfully contrast with the untouched white snow on the ground. The large wooden door appears inviting and holds a false invitation into warmth. False because for her, there was never any warmth inside that place, figuratively speaking of course. All it holds for her are hurtful memories of nights spent alone or having to sit through passive aggressive dinners with her parents. She recalls things getting even worst right before her father was arrested. Perhaps it was the looming anticipation her parents had, knowing fully well that their time as a family, dysfunctional as they were, was nearing an end. With their perfect portrait about to be exposed as a false portrayal, her parents fought more and avoided each other, and her.
All these years later, Jackie can stand on the other side of these gates and admire the house for what it is. It is much easier for her to distance herself from the memories she has of it as well as from the person she used to be.
She does still wonder, however, how her parents are doing. It's been several years since she last heard of her mother. As far as she knew, she was somewhere in the Caribbean trying desperately to hold on to her style of living. Turns out, it is more difficult to find young, superficial rich men when one is pushing fifty. Pam's nomadic life hadn't changed. Neither had Jack Burkhart's as he still remained behind bars for, if Jackie can calculate correctly, another eight years. Her relationship with her father, while initially flawless, started to deteriorate as Jackie grew older and saw the man's true character. While he undeniably loved his daughter, he just wasn't a good person and Jackie eventually wanted little to do with that sort of negativity, so she stopped visiting altogether.
Jackie takes one last look at the house and walks back to her parked rented car. She sits in the small vehicle and looks down at her watch. She has another hour to kill before she has to make it to her final destination. She turns the keys and immediately turns on the heat on full blast. It takes a minute for the car, and her, to warm up. She finally signals and pulls out. While she has forgotten her way around most of Point Place and required the use of a map most of the way, she knew exactly how to get to her next destination. It takes just fifteen minutes to cross town and make it to the house she could truly call home. Unlike her parent's home, this small, shabby place held her most cherished memories from her childhood. This is where she fell in love once, twice. Where she discovered what it meant to be independent and self-sufficient. What it meant to be a good friend, girlfriend...a good person. In the short time she spent with a small group of friends, isolated from the world in a small basement, she became her best self.
She pulls her car into the familiar driveway and smiles when she sees bright lights emanating from inside the kitchen. In there she could see warmth and it makes her heart swell. As nervous as she thought she would be in returning, she was more excited to see those two people again.
She steps out of the car and walks over to the sliding door that separates the driveway from the kitchen. While she would customarily just walk in, she decided it would be best to knock. It took a moment but she smiled when she saw Red Forman enter the kitchen and his frown turned quickly into a bright smile. He pulled open the sliding door and, without a word, pulled her into a hug.
Warmth.
Unannounced tears started making their way down Jackie's cheeks. The overwhelming mixed feelings of nostalgia and happiness make her unable to contain them.
"Red, who is-" she hears Kitty Forman call out before she joins them in the kitchen. The older lady gasps and jumps up and down, her signature clapping filling the room. Like her husband, she rushes over to the visitor and hugs her.
"Oh Jackie honey, it's so good to see you. Why didn't you tell us you were coming, I would have prepared you something to eat. Cocoa! Do you want some hot cocoa?" Kitty offers as soon as they break the embrace.
Jackie shakes her head no and takes a step back to get a better look at the Formans. They are visible older than she remembers, their motions a bit slower than before, their hair grayer. Yet, with all these differences, they were also the same. Still happy, welcoming and deeply in love with each other.
"I should have called, I'm sorry."
"Nonsense, come sit, sit" Red says and motions the two ladies over to the round table where they all ate so many meals together, alone, in pairs...any possible combination possible.
"We are so happy that you're here sweetie. How is everything, tell us?" Kitty inquired.
"Everything's well" Jackie starts as she fills them in on her life outside of Wisconsin. Of course, she only tells her of the wonderful things that have happened to her, no use worrying them or bombarding them with negativity after such a long time of not seeing them. They listen intently, nodding their heads and interjecting here and there to ask questions. As much time as has passed, they still view her as one of theirs. They worry about her, are happy when she tells her about her promotion, compliment her for her success.
"We're proud of you kid" Red says.
Jackie smiles and thanks him. Then it's their turn to fill her in on their life during the past nine years. Like her, they only focus on the good. Vacations they've finally been able to take, weddings and grandchildren. The peace and quiet Red is finally able to enjoy around his house, though Kitty insists she misses them all around the house rummaging through her fridge.
"I even miss that old smell in the basement. I never could figure out what it was" Kitty says. Jackie nods nervously and Red shakes his head.
Finally, the question she had been waiting for them to ask. "What brings you back?" Kitty says. It took them longer than Jackie expected for them to ask which was perfect because she had time to give them a good answer.
"I missed home. I missed you guys" she says, which isn't a lie but also not the reason she flew back.
"Oh and we missed you too" Kitty replies as she reaches across the table and gives Jackie's hand a tiny squeeze.
Jackie can feel Red's eyes on her, knows that she can't fool the older man with a cop out reason but is thankful that he doesn't push the matter any further.
"Let me make you some hot cocoa. You must be freezing, probably not used to the Wisconsin cold anymore" Kitty jokes with her signature laugh which makes Jackie so happy.
She looks at her watch and shakes her head. "I have to get going now but I promise I'll stop by tomorrow and take you up on that offer."
A bit disappointed, Kitty nods. "Okay sweetie. I'll make sure to have a nice meal for you too."
"Thank you Mrs. Forman. I'll see you both tomorrow" Jackie says as she gets out of her chair and puts her jacket back on. They hug once more and Jackie leaves the warmth and walks back out into the cold night.
She opens up the car door and again, instantly turns on the heat. She pulls open the glove compartment and grabs hold of the map. She reaches for her bag which has been sitting on the floor in front of the passenger seat. She rummages through until she finds a piece of paper with an address that she tries to find on the map. She starts the car up and heads towards the center of town. Like everywhere else in Point Place, it should take only ten minutes to get there.
As she nears the apartment complex, she realizes that she is nowhere near as nervous as she thought she would be. Perhaps it's the fact that it has been nine years or maybe she just made a decision to have zero expectations going into this. The fact that she was so nonchalant about it though helped her exit her car. Had there been any nerves whatsoever, she most likely would have just driven away. She scans the area. Like everywhere else in Point Place, there was barely a soul out at this time. The building in front of her was not as tall as the ones she is used to seeing in California. It has just four floors and looks new and incredibly clean.
Jackie walks into the building and sees that it's just as clean inside and it appears outside. She looks at the paper with the address on it to double check the apartment number. 36.
She walks the three flights of stairs and scans the hallway for number 36. As she walks down the narrow hallway, scanning the numbers on the door, she feels her heart speed up a bit and breathes to try and calm herself down again. She finally reaches a light gray door marked 36. She looks at the the black block numbers and closes her eyes for a second. Bringing her hand up, she knocks twice on the door and waits. The few seconds she waits for the door to open start feeling much longer.
She can here shuffling coming from within and footsteps getting louder the closer they get to her. She smiles when the door is finally pulled opened and a very familiar face stares back at her.
"Come in."
She takes a few steps into the apartment and immediately scans it. The walls, a stark white and dark wooden furniture everywhere. She spots a long coffee table with strewn magazines. The stereo is on, soft music filling the room which feels cozy, lived it...warm.
"Thanks for coming."
She turns back and offers yet another smile. Dressed in dark wash jeans and a black t-shirt, Steven Hyde is exactly as she remembers him, better actually if that's even possible. The wild hair is a bit more tame, his body more sculptured and his eyes unmasked. "Thanks for inviting me" she replies.
A silence lingers between them in which they take each other in for the first time in nine years.
"I didn't think you would come" he finally says as he thrusts his hands into his pockets, a habit she once knew to be his nervousness.
Jackie nods. "I almost didn't" she says honestly. Prior to pulling up to her parent's house a few hours ago, she kept thinking about whether or not it was a good idea to see him. What could there possibly be there left to say. They had long gotten over any animosity they held for the other and they weren't friends so what was the point in sitting down to catch up? She had not seen why it was a good idea, but part of her wanted to see him, see how he was doing.
That part, that silly part of her, she likes to call "Young Jackie." Young Jackie is very similar to teenage Jackie in the sense that she was idealistic and optimistic about everything and everyone. She believed that if you were good and loved hard, the world would reward you with happiness. Despite the opposite being true in her life, she still held on to the hope that what was meant for her would eventually be hers. Young Jackie was a bubbly fool who was often pushed into the depths of consciousness, though she sometimes liked to rear her head.
"Let me take your coat" Hyde offers. She takes her long coat off and shivers a bit at the sudden shift in temperature her body experiences. He smiles and motions his head towards a couch just a few feet away.
She turns from him and makes her way to the couch. Along the way, she passes picture frames hanging on the wall. Hyde with Donna and Eric, Hyde with Kitty, one with him and Red. A picture of Hyde sitting atop a car with Kelso and Fez jumping in the air beside him. A lovely family picture of him with WB and Angie. Every important person in his life was present.
Hyde appears behind her within seconds holding out a bottle of beer for her. She sees that he has already taken a sip of his so she grabs hold of her bottle and holds it up in the air, her salute to him.
"How's California?" he asks her as he takes a seat on a la-z boy seat next to the couch.
"Warm" is all she says. He laughs and nods. Taking a sip of his own beer, he takes a moment to take her in once more. Her hair is longer and straight. Her makeup is light, emphasizing her best features. Her body a bit fuller but still petite. He sees her fidget a bit as she waits for him to stop examining her. "The curls were nice" he says.
"Huh?"
"Your hair, it used to be curly" he clarifies.
"Oh" she answers.
They each take a few sips of their beer in silence. Jackie feels Hyde still looking her over, trying to make sense of her presence after so much time.
"How are things going?" she asks him, trying to alleviate any discomfort between them.
"As well as they could be going. You know not much changes around here" he replies.
"That's not always a bad thing" she tells him as she finally makes eye contact with him. Something about the lack of sunglasses makes talking to him an unnerving situation. She doesn't hold his gaze for very long as she goes back to fidgeting with the beer bottle.
"I suppose it isn't. Some change can be good though."
"That's true too" she says.
Again, she feels his eyes on her and this time she looks up to see if he is actually looking at her. When she looks into his eyes, she smiles and nods her head.
"What made you come?" he asks her.
"You invited me over, remember?"
He smirks, that crooked sly smirk he's always had. That hasn't changed, and she is very glad that it hasn't because it instantly makes her feel comfortable. "I did invite you. You said you almost didn't. Why did you?" he explains.
"Oh, well I thought it would have been a little rude to just not show up" she responds.
"Yeah, just a bit" he says. Hyde sits back on the la-z boy and takes yet another sip of beer. Jackie looks into his eyes and he keeps her gaze, his eyes searching for perhaps a deeper reason for her deciding to see him.
"Why'd you invite me?" she says, throwing the question back in his face. This time Hyde laughs, a hearty full laugh.
"I knew you were going to ask that" he tells her.
"You did not."
"You're still a little predictable Jackie, it's okay."
"Oh shut up" she says jokingly.
They both sit quietly, an old, familiar comfort level reestablishing itself around them.
"So you're not going to answer my question?" she presses, her eyebrow arched in curiosity.
"I wanted to see you" he says matter-of-factly. The frankness in his response takes her aback. She certainly was not expecting that answer. She wasn't sure what she expecting actually, but definitely not that.
"Why?" she manages to ask.
He doesn't reply, just offers her a small smile and stands up. "Want another one?" he asks pointing at her half empty bottle of beer.
"No, I'm still working on this one."
"Come on Jackie, don't babysit it" Hyde says as he turns from her and walks in the direction of what she assumes is his kitchen. He comes back about a minute later with another bottle in his hand and reclaims his seat in the la-z boy.
"You're pretty good at dodging questions aren't you?" Jackie asks.
"What question did I dodge?"
"Why? Why did you want to see me?" she asks. She regretted asking it though, as soon as she did. Sure he gave her one honest answer, but that's probably all she was going to get from him. There was no use in pushing him to answer her questions if it would just cause him to shut down and ruin the somewhat good time they are having together.
"Because I missed you" he says. Two for two on the unexpected responses.
"Okay, you're scaring me. Who are you and what have you done with the real Steven Hyde?"
Hyde smiles and nods. "Funny" he says.
"I..I wanted to see that you were okay" Jackie says suddenly.
"What?" Hyde asks a bit confused.
"You asked me why I decided to come over. I wanted to see that you are okay."
"Well, what have you determined?" he asks.
"You seem okay" she says.
"I'm doing okay yeah."
Jackie nods. Young Jackie once again pops up and infects her mind with unrealistic thoughts. He looked good, he seems to be doing well and he's opening up to her, actually telling her the things she had wanted to hear from him such a long time ago. Practical Jackie, however, was not about to put him on a pedestal after just a couple of minutes. As much as she had moved on from their history, she also wasn't an idiot. Her walls were still up.
"So are you seeing anyone?" Hyde asks.
Jackie's eyes widen. Had she heard him right? "What?"
"Are you currently seeing anyone?" Hyde repeats himself. Jackie is dumbfounded by the blatant question and the fact that he has so consistently maintained eye contact with her. The old Hyde would have shielded his eyes, denied any interest in knowing about her life. Hell, the old Hyde would never have invited her over. This person, she has no idea who he is and yet, he is everything she had wanted nine years ago.
"That's a bit inappropriate isn't it?" she asks him.
"Is it?"
"Yes!" she tells him and chugs the remainder of her beer.
"Sorry, I just wanted to stop with the formalities. It's not exactly us is it?"
"Us? What is us then?" she asks. She places the empty beer bottle on the table in front of her and then slides back on the couch, her eyes never leaving his. If he is willing to be opened now and bring up their history, then she was going to push him.
"We were never ones to not speak our minds is what I mean" he replies.
"Is that right? I remember one of us speaking our minds and the other never communicating. Guess which one you were?" Practical Jackie was in full speed ahead.
"How did you feel when Sam walked into the Formans?" Hyde suddenly changes the subject and to one that she has no desire to talk about.
Jackie shakes her head and stands up. "This was a mistake" she says as she starts walking in the direction of the door. Hyde immediately gets off his seat and follows her.
"Jackie, I'm sorry. Forget I asked that man."
"You're an idiot" she turns and says to him.
"I know" he says remorsefully.
"And I'm an even bigger idiot for thinking this was a good idea."
"Look I really am sorry. I shouldn't have asked that. It's just that after all these years, I realized I never asked you."
"Yeah, that's because you were too wrapped up in your fake little marriage to care" she asks. Jackie reaches the coat rack and pulls her coat off the hook. Determined to have her stay, Hyde takes the coat away from her and walks back to the living area. Jackie follows after him, demanding her coat be returned.
"Just stay, we can start over" he tells her holding her coat behind him.
"No, just give me my coat so I can leave" she commands.
"Jackie, come on man, it was stupid to bring that up. I really am sorry."
"Oh my God you don't get it do you? This is a bad idea so please just give me my coat so I can go."
"What don't I get? Tell me" he says.
"Just give me my coat" she insists.
"Jackie, tell me. I want to get it."
"How would you have felt if you had been me huh?" she asks. She had spent the first eight or so months in California going over every single event that occurred during their relationship, from prom and the Forman's bbq all the way to Sam walking through those doors. She wanted to see if there were any signs she must have missed, any clear indication about their inevitable demise that she chose to ignore. She wanted to justify her move to California and prove to herself that she made the right decision.
"Terrible" he says after he takes a moment to think about it.
"You've never thought about what that was like for me have you?" Jackie asks. Part of her, the part that held him to a spectacularly high standard thought that he would have thought about how his marriage affected her. The sudden realization that he never had was almost devastating.
"You left Jackie" Hyde answers.
"Oh give me a break" she says as she rolls her eyes. She extends her arm and tries, in vain, to snatch her coat away from him.
"What? You left!" Hyde says. She raises her chin and clenches her jaw. How dare he get upset that she left? What other option did she have?
"Of course I left, what the hell was I going to stay here for?" she says through nearly gritted teeth. They were doing so well, they were being civil and at least trying to mend any collegiality that could possibly exist between them and he just had to ruin it.
"I was here" Hyde replies, his tone becoming softer. Perhaps he had held on to some sick notion that they would reconvene their relationship when Sam left, only to hae to face her departure.
Jackie laughs at the naivete and presumptuousness that is his response. "You're an idiot" she says again.
"You could have stayed here for me" he says, ignoring her insult.
"I didn't have you" she finally snaps. "I didn't have you and no, I didn't want you after what you did. I'm not someone you just pick up and drop whenever the hell you want. Is that why I'm here now? One of your little flings didn't work out so you thought to summon me here and ha, stupid of me to have fallen for it."
Hyde furrows his forehead in disappointment. "Is that what you think I'm doing? That's the kind of person you think I am?"
"Oh, please enlighten me as to what kind of person you are now because I'm just going off what I know of you" she says, bitterness now evident with every syllable that escapes her lips.
"Forget it Jackie" Hyde says and reaches out to return her coat. Jackie takes it from his hands and slips both sleeves on.
"You're still the same person I remember you to be" she says and turns to leave. Those words trigger an anger in Hyde that had remained contained for a very long time. He rushes to block the exit before she can get to it. Taken aback, Jackie takes a step back and looks into his eyes. The piercing blue eyes radiate an anger she had never seen from him.
"I called you in California. Every day for months I called you" he starts before Jackie interrupts.
"You never called me, don't-" she says but he interrupts her.
"I couldn't bring myself to say anything, but I called you just to hear your voice, to make sure that you were fine. I tried to see you once, went out there and went to your office. I saw you come out of the building and I almost ran up to you, to tell you how sorry I was and how much I loved you, but you seemed so damn happy. You didn't need me anymore, not like I needed you. I didn't want to be an obstacle for you, not like I was here, so I left. But I always asked about you, had Donna call you, Fez, Kelso, hell even Eric. I'm not the same person you remember Jackie. I'm not a kid anymore and I am willing to admit that now, tell you that I messed up and that I'm sorry but don't, for one second, think that I'm the same guy I was when you left."
Jackie stands dumbfounded. She recalls calls that ended up in hang ups because no one spoke. She'd thought then it was a telemarketer or a dumb kid failing miserably at a prank call. Never would she have thought Steven Hyde was calling just to hear her. "You called me?" she asks, still in disbelief.
"I called you. Jackie I care about you and I missed you. That's why I invited you here. I've spent the last nine years regretting what I did to you and even when I tried to right those wrongs, I couldn't bring myself to get in your way. I was scared I would end up hurting you again, because that's what I do, I hurt people I love."
"Love?" she repeats his words in a whisper.
"Jackie, you're one of the few people I've cared about and you know how hard that is for me. I'm sorry for everything that happened between us."
Jackie looks down at the floor below her trying to make sense of all of this. His calls, checking up on her, loving her even after everything they did to each other...How can two people cause each other so much turmoil and still salvage any type of relationship?
"It's not that easy Steven" Jackie says, her heart pounding against her chest. For so long, she has tried to do away with any part of her life in Point Place. That is the main reason she has stayed away all this time. The miles separating her from her old friends and lover seemed enough for her to allow her to forget about the pain and re-do her life again. Yet, all it took was a very unexpected letter from someone who she tried to shut her heart out to. One letter that had her hopping on the first plane out to Wisconsin in the middle of winter. Nine years of building herself up were unraveled by a letter.
"I don't like easy," he replies "don't deserve easy."
"I really thought...I don't even know what I thought. We hurt each other so much, I don't know how we can possibly-" she says before letting her words fade without completion.
"I'm sorry for hurting you" Hyde tells her. His tone is flat but raspy, his eyes never leave hers. The sincerity makes Jackie's body shiver a bit. She looks into her eyes, really looks into them for the first time in nine years. In them, she can see the person she came to love, the good guy who made her feel safe and adored. This wasn't the monster who destroyed her world, this was the guy she loved.
"I'm sorry for hurting you" she says back to him. A tiny smile forms on Hyde's face and he nods, accepting her apology.
"Do you, uh, maybe want to stay a little longer? I can get you another beer" he says.
Jackie smiles and nods also. "I would like that" she answers.
"Let me take your coat" he says and she laughs.
"I missed you too" Jackie calls out to Hyde who is a few feet away hanging up her coat.
"What was that?" Hyde asks when he walks closer towards her.
"I..I missed you too. That's why I came, I missed you" she says again.
These three little words make Hyde smile bigger than he has in a very long time. He walks closer to her and, without any hesitation, brings his lips to meet hers for just a quick second. The brief kiss had been the first real form of contact the pair has had in nearly a decade.
"Sorry" Hyde whispers when he breaks away from her.
"Don't be" Jackie replies, her voice low and breathy from the sparks she still feels for her ex-lover.
"I'll get you that beer now" Hyde says with a slight smirk.
Jackie watches as he turns from her and walks into the kitchen to fetch her another beer. She brings her hand to her lips and smiles. As she turns and settles back into the couch, a comfortable warmth fills her entire body and she allows herself to become "Young Jackie" for tonight.