A MESSAGE FROM THE GENIUS BEHIND THIS MASTERPIECE:
Ladies and gents, chicks and dicks, welcome to the Ask Abby column! Have any of the latest gossip you'd like to gab about? This is totally not the place! This column of the Kripke High newspaper is where I (at least for now), test out my unlicensed therapeutic skills and give you poor saps some advice! It may be hidden under some layers of icing and jokes, but there is some honestly good info here in here somewhere. This is completely anonymous. My name isn't even Abby! (Ask Abby is just a very catchy title, don't ya think?) Anyway, the author of this thing will change every week so you won't have time to get sick of me, (but I will try my best). You can call me Snickers. Send in your complaints, morons.
Happy Writing,
Snickers
Dear Abby,
I love this column already! They had this at my last school and I absolutely loved it! I hope you get tons of letters because I can't wait to read them in the school newspaper! Who knows what dirt I can get on these other girls? It's like, I just transferred here and I'm already the odd one out. Oh well, at least the guys here are cute and the teachers are nice. The lunch isn't even that bad.
Love,
The Girl Next Door
P.S. – I like, completely forgot to ask something! Well, so far I have no complaints about anything, but I could use some info: Is Dean Winchester single?
Dear Girl Next Door,
Talk about love at first sight! You pack enough excitement for the both of us! Question: Have you tried out for the cheer squad? As long as you keep that peppy attitude and look sexy in a mini skirt, cheerleading should be a breeze for you. That status should also get you in to all of the cool girl cliques this crappy school has to offer. Just wear a couple tons of make-up and some transparent clothing and you should look like them. Not only that, but you'll also have Dean-o gift wrapped and at your door for Christmas. Which brings me to another question: Are you desperate? That Winchester doesn't know how to keep it in his pants. Kid's banged more gongs than Andy Gallagher. Kid's seen more pussy than that crazy cat lady down the block. Kiddo's gotten more back than Sir Mix-A-Lot. He's Bad Luck Brian. If you're looking for a one night stand though, go right ahead. If you're looking for an even better one, call me. 981-555-6809
Much Love,
Snickers
P.S. – It seems that I also forgot to answer your question. The jerk is single, unless he's with someone with an IQ lower than his.
Dear Abby (Snickers?),
Hey Snickers, you're probably not interested in any freshman problems, but I don't know who else to go to. You see, there's this party that everyone's going to, but I heard that you can't show up without a date. Getting a date isn't really the problem though. This girl asked me out and she's really nice and everything, but I'm sort of interested in someone else. He's a junior and is completely out of my league. My Dad is always hammering into my head that real men aren't fags and that I should basically be a womanizer like my older brother. But I don't want to take advantage of women and goddamnit, that guy is just…just… I've barely said 10 words to him and I think I'm sorta in love with him. But it's not like he'd ever reciprocate the feeling, so…I don't know, maybe I should just go with her? But I don't want to give her the wrong impression. I also don't want him to think that I'm not available. 'Cause I'm not. Not in a relationship, I mean. Oh god, I've been rambling, haven't I? I think I'm having some type of mid-teen crisis! Send help ASAP!
Freaking Out,
Moose in Headlights
Dear Moose,
Are you kidding? Of course I'm concerned about your freshman problems! How else will I get my entertainment doing this boring job for a week? You guys are cute with your friendship bracelets and crushes. Just plain adorable. First of all Moosie, there is nothing wrong with liking that guy, so get that through that silly little head of yours. We were all created equal and all that jazz. I bet this guy is devilishly handsome, funny, fun size, and has amazing taste in desserts. (Not me? Okay.) But seriously, if a pretty girl asks you out and you have doubts, something is wrong with that picture. So why don't you take a chance and create a new picture with that special guy in it? I bet he likes you more than you do. We all have a mid-teen crisis, so don't get your antlers in a twist. I had mine last week when I couldn't choose between a Triple Fudge sundae with caramel or a Triple Fudge sundae with fudge. (I chose fudge). Yes, the crisis gets to all in the end.
Good Luck,
Snickers
P.S. – No offense, but you're Dad is a great big bag of dicks.
Dear Snickers,
Do you have a good writing prompt in mind?
Sincerely,
Writer's Block
Dear Writer,
These two brothers go across the country and hunt monsters for a living. Vampires, ghosts, demons, the fucking DEVIL, you name it. They fight and fight and along the way they become friends with a couple of angels and some other people like them. The angels help them close the gates of hell and they get rid of all the things that go bump in the night. Everyone is safe, happy, and it's peaceful.
Then everything changes when the fire nation attacks.
Keep Writing,
Snickers
Dear Snickers,
Why is the sky blue?
Just 'Cause,
Nicely Asking
Dear Mr. Nice,
The sky is blue because contrary to modern beliefs, God is a female. This means that the sky is her pregnancy test and it turned blue around the time that she decided to create Earth.
I have no idea where that came from, but I regret nothing.
You Asked For It,
Snickers
Dear Mr. Snickers,
Will you go out with me?
Pretty Please,
Desperate Fangirl
Dear Desperate Housewife (or Fangirl or Whatever),
If this "going out" business entails me walking you out of this room, then I will gladly slam the door in your face when you do. Becky, GET OUT OF MY OFFICE! *shudder* I can feel you breathing on my neck.
Leave Me Alone,
Snickers
My Darling Snickers,
I'm interested in fucking the brains out of this senior at school but he's like a saint or something. He's always quoting from the Bible and talking about abstinence. He's so nice, it's sickening. He's really got a stick up his ass. Correction: A whole tree. But damn, it's a really fine ass. I wouldn't mind dipping in a holy Jacuzzi with that sweet slice of Heaven. So what do you say Snick? How do I go about riding that unicorn?
XOXO,
Naughty Babysitter
Dear Naughty,
If I were as religious as my family, I'd be pulling out some lines from The Exorcism right about now. Luckily, I'm not. But just for good measure, repeat after me: "The power of Christ compels me." Do you have a fetish or something? Respect the little angel. Check out Christian Mingle if you're that desperate.
X's But No O's,
Snickers
Dear Abby, Snickers… Whatever,
I am literally in hell right now. My friends did something stupid and they completely threw me under the bus! I've been suspended for a week and then I have three weeks of detention when I come back. My parents are going to kill me! How do you suggest I get them back for this?
Revengefully,
Devil's BFF
Dear Devil,
I'm all for just desserts. Meet me at The Roadhouse after school and tell Ellen that she needs a Snickers. The steam streaming from her ears in anger should pinpoint me to your location. Then we discuss tactics. By the way, you wouldn't happen to know the drunken shmucks that trashed the trophy room, would you? That's about a month's worth of ass kissing right there. You guys are amateurs. My bros, Luci, Balthy, and I once completely destroyed some dumb jock that was bullying our little brother, Cas. Lucifer planted cocaine in his locker, Balthazar called the cops, and I left some gay porn at the crime scene to tarnish whatever straight, arrogant pride he had in himself. He called Cas a faggot among other intelligent slurs. So we taught him a lesson and expanded his colorful vocabulary. Now he knows the meaning of "jail" and "don't you dare fucking mess with my family". But the best thing about it was that we never got caught. Whatever you're friends did is only hitting the tip of the iceberg, kiddo. If you don't want the sky to be your limit, you know how to contact me.
Seriously,
Snickers
To: Abby
This is most definitely not my brightest idea, but it is not my proudest moment either. What do you if you hypothetically have developed strong emotions toward a good friend of yours? Hypothetically speaking.
From: The Little Angel That Could
Dear Little Angel,
Well, if these "strong emotions" toward your friend are along the same lines as love , then cross the border, mi amigo! If these strong emotions are anger though, you might want to consider what's wrong with your friend…or what's wrong with you. This is all hypothetical of course. ;)
Go Get 'Em Bro,
Snickers
A FINAL MESSAGE FROM THE AWESOMENESS THAT IS ME:
Okay, okay! Enough questions! I understand that your lives suck and I'm the only one that can fulfill them, but all great things must come to an end. Yup, I'm talking about Batman movies. Just let the guy rest in peace. It's bad enough he doesn't have any superpowers, but he also seems to have some type of multiple personality disorder considering the number of different actors that played him. Speaking of superpowers, it seems that I'll have to snap my fingers and disappear because my writing time is up. Word of advice, writing for the newspaper isn't too bad to cash in as community service.
OTHER ADVICE FOR THE FUTURE:
Lock the office door to keep Becky out. (Unless you're Becky. Then you just lock yourself out).
The donuts here are free. (If you take them when no one's looking). I recommend the chocolate glaze with extra sprinkles.
For those idiots that need to be told this, don't write your actual name down.
Later morons,
Snickers