"You leave and you can never come back. You are not welcome here anymore!" It was all over. Years of fighting with his Father had culminated in this, the order to leave and never come back. His Father had slammed out the door on his way to some bar and he ran up the stairs to pack his things. So why was he still sitting on the floor outside the doorway to his and Dean's room?
"oh Jesus, oh Jesus what the hell just happened" As soon as he'd run up the stairs the crushing weight of his Father's final words slammed into his brain with a rush of panic. He was out, he was essentially homeless. He had to leave. He turned and half crawled half staggered to the bathroom to be sick. It took a moment to realize Dean wasn't there to lay a cloth across his neck or rub his back. "oh God he is siding with Dad. He finally had to choose and he chose Dad. He hates me now. What the hell do I do? What do I do?" This would be the first time he was all alone. All alone. No one to watch his back.
"I could apologize, tell him I didn't mean it. That I'll stay" But even as he thought those words he knew he couldn't say them. If he had to apologize he would hate himself, would never be able to look in a mirror again. Besides he knew he was right, he was right.
"Oh Jesus but what the hell do I do now." It was still eight days until he could move into the dorms. All the money he had saved had gone to his bus ticket and the fees he owed Stanford. The scholarship was giving him living expenses, but how long until that money was deposited? As his stomach threatened to rebel again he forced himself to take a deep breathe.
"Okay okay Fuck them both then I'll do this all myself." First thing pack. Don't let Dean see he was upset, no show of weakness. Dean might try to convince him to stay then, or worse use it to taunt him with. To strengthen his hatred so he wouldn't miss Sam at all. He wouldn't give Dean or his Father that satisfaction. And why the hell should Dean be mad at him? Because he wasn't willing to be Dad's fucking toy soldier. As his anger flared the panic was pushed back and he had the strength to walk into his bedroom with his head held high. The bedroom he knew Dean was sitting in.
"Yeah just sit there and play the poor little abandoned victim 'cause I wont follow you and Dad." He mentally taunted Dean as Dean just sat on the edge of his bed watching Sam pack. "Coward." As he threw clothes and papers into his knapsack he just grew more and more angry. The rage seemed to flow through his veins allowing him not to cry at Dean's forlorn expression. He couldn't let the guilt and the hurt seep through or he might never have the strength to leave. All the same he wanted Dean to say something. To beg him not to go. Maybe then Sam wouldn't feel as though his entire family had abandoned him.
"I'm leaving and he really isn't going to say a word." The rush of hurt was almost crippling but he was so close to freedom he had to keep going. His Father had made it clear he couldn't turn back so he had to keep moving ahead. He shouldered his bag and began walking from the room on shaking legs. He started when Dean stood up behind him.
"I'm driving you to the bus station." Sam was sure his mouth dropped open. For a moment he was tempted to say something spiteful like don't bother but his brother's voice was so strained and his face so carefully empty he found himself simply nodding his agreement and heading towards the Impala.
"Oh God what the hell am I going to do?" The silent drive to the bus station was enough to have Sam's panic making a reappearance and his stomach turning all over again. He wanted to sit down and cry for himself and for Dean but he just couldn't. Freedom was so close and if he showed no weakness they would know he didn't regret it. They would finally have to release their hold on him.
"Are you sure this is what you want?" Dean's voice startled him once again as they both stared out the windshield of the car at the line of people waiting to board the bus to Palo Alto. Tears sprang unbidden to his eyes but he didn't let them fall. He was so close. He tried to mentally re-engage the angry flames that had licked at him earlier but all he got was a flicker. Still a flicker was enough.
"I don't want to stay here with him. I can't stay in this excuse for a life." He continued to stare out the window but studied Dean's reaction out of the corner of his eye. Dean's jaw clenched but he slowly nodded and got out the car to get Sam's bag from the trunk.
"Call sometimes okay? Don't just leave." Sam nodded his agreement but in a blinding moment of incite knew that he wouldn't. If he was to be truly free he couldn't keep the link between he and his brother going. The guilt would tear him apart. A clean break was really best for everyone he reasoned. Then maybe they could talk again in a few years. After he'd graduated. After he'd proven he really could make it on his own. He wasn't theirs.
" I have to go." He gestured weakly towards the bus and Dean nodded. Dean stepped forward and for a moment Sam thought he'd hug him. But at the last Dean stepped away towards the car and slammed the trunk. He reached back and placed his hand on Dean's shoulder for one moment, the only weakness he'd allowed himself. Then he stepped away and joined to line of people boarding the bus.
"I love you, I'll miss you and I'm sorry I'm hurting you." He settled into his seat on the bus and risked a glance back at Dean. He was sitting in the Impala with his head down on the steering wheel. He looked defeated. This time Sam let the tears fall.
"okay so I'll have to find a way to get some money once I get to Palo Alto" He'd gotten a hold of himself and now that the tears were no longer falling he could think. Even the panic had receded. He'd made his choice and now he had to plan for the future. He reached into his bag for his walkman.
"oh God" The tears were flowing again. He reached into the bag to touch the bundle of hundred dollar bills sitting on top of his haphazardly packed clothing. A small note was tied to the bundle of cash written in Dean's sloppy handwriting.
"Take care of yourself Sammy."