All the copyrighted materials, characters and the like that you might find in my story belong to their perspective copyright owners. I might own an OC here and there, but beyond that, not much.
I know, sucks to be me, eh?
Chapter one: ThanQ for that!
Let me tell you about the night-life...
As I might have mentioned, I am an administrator in a night club.
And let me tell you... nightlife is SHIT!
The never-ending stream of drunk idiots, covered in their own filth, the little cretins who drink themselves till they are "brave" and start to look for conflict and ruin the night for everyone, especially ME, because I have to clean up after the little shits, get in the middle of brawls and then listen as I am told off for allowing a fight to brake out in the first place...
The crazy bitches that get into drunken hysterics about who I cant do much... Seriously, I should be allowed to hit women if the situation has escalated too high...
But the worst by FAR are the petty thieves... Excellent example tonight - some idiot decided to steal a light effect from the entrance, and almost got away too! But luckily I managed to catch him near a pawn shop... And I have to say that it was with utmost enjoyment that I watched an ambulance pick him up after half of his face was forcefully removed with the help of the pavement. Gods I hate humanity!
And yet, here I am, sitting on a sidewalk, my hands covered in vomit and bile, sitting next to a dead old man which I tried to resuscitate. Poor old fool, probably drank more than his body could handle... Ahh! Sirens in the distance. The ambulance arriving just in time to pronounce the man dead. Or it could be the police. I did say there is a dying man when calling for the ambulance. Great, more shit to deal with, the cops will probably want to ask me questions about what happened, heh… it seems like a shower and some sleep is too much to ask for. Bah! Screw the shower, I just want some sleep. In fact the sirens seem less loud. Heh, guess I was more tired than I thought.
I should probably write these conversations with myself down, they seem to be getting more narrative..ish. Ehh, whatever. The cops will wake me up anyway so I'll just rest my eyes a bit…
XxXxXx
"Oh goddess! My head! Sweet and merciful Celestia, what did I do to myself to feel this terrible…"
"Oh be quiet, you! Old hag 'Tia wouldn't hear you anyway."
"Wait, what? Q?"
"Ooh! Can you feel it? My back is tingling! Of course you can't feel it, that would be weird, especially considering we are both made from stone and standing two feet apart. But I thank you for remembering I am not only Discord, but also something far… more."
"Hubh… bwuuh?"
"Your ability to articulate is only outshined by your vocabulary, but it is reasonable to assume you can be at a loss for words given the circumstances, so let me explain what ingenious plans, heroic decision making, and bold actions, by yours truly, lead you to find yourself in this peculiar predicament. I am… well, you mostly know how I introduce myself, see, I have this tendency to make myself recognizable anywhere. And I do that through entertainment medium."
"Whu… why?''
"Oh, zip it!"
"MWWH!"
"Oh don't be such a baby. After I finish my explanation you will regain your… mouth… And if you continue fidgeting I will remove the zipper like a band-aid and NOT just magic it away!"
"…"
"There! That wasn't so hard, now was it? Now, where was I? Ah, yes! Hmm… Even though I know that that isn't the question you were about to ask, I'll answer it anyway. I use entertainment industry to portray myself because religious followers are much worse and more annoying than even fanboys of your little world, believe me! But you digressed me. You see, the boredom that comes with being omnipotent and omniscient is immense so I had to get a little creative! I took a little bit of my glorious self out to act independently from me! Isn't that ingenious? I know, I know, your mouth is sealed so you can't sing praises about how magnificent yours truly is! Now don't think about asking me how you were able to talk and even further, how was I able to seal your mouth when you are made of stone in the first place… Oh, right! You can't! Marvel at how I clairvoyantly shut you up before you even thought about asking me a question! Oh, right, the explanation… You will have to pardon me – the role I am playing for these ponies, as you might know, is Discord or Chaos incarnate and a side-effect of it is omnidistractability. Hmm, was that a real word? Bah! Who cares, it will be now! *grumble* spell-check… add to dictionary… There! Done! Now where was I again… Right. The little part of me that I removed. You see, there is a tiny, insignificant, nearly-overlookable, microscopical, bantam, flyspeck of a problem with my plan – the little part by itself has not an ounce of my glorious personality so it cannot do anything by itself. It needs, shall we say it, a personality to re-shape the world around it. And that is where you come in, my dearest friend! All of your hatred and cravings, your bloodlust and just lust, all your passions and apathies will bring beautiful chaos all over Equestria! Oh don't give me that look! I chose you specifically because of your humanity… ponyity? Hahaha! This world, I swear… so many amusing things that just make you giddy! Right, right.. back to the topic. Oh, stop shivering. Fine! Promise me you will only say one word if I unclamp your mouth and give you hot coca? One thousand blinks for no, ten thousand blinks for yes. Oh, fine! A simple nod will do. Ok then, but remember, one word only until I finish all of my explanations!"
"Donaudampfschiff-fahrtselektrizitätenhaup-tbetriebswerk-bauunterbeam-tengesellschaft!"
"…"
*shrug*
"Bwahahahahaaa! I knew there were more reasons why I picked you! Your sense of humor is simply scrumptious! Anyhow, as you might already know I am not an evil omnipotent, omniscient and all around perfect being, I am a Bored omnipotent, omniscient and all around perfect being. Now let me tell you of ponies a thousand years before even old hag Celestia was born. The ponies back then were fat, stupid, ignorant, fat and dumb! In fact they were so revolting I decided to throw some extra nasty things their way. Sure, a lot of the weak ones didn't even make it a day in the new environment, which wasn't so bad, might I add, but the stronger ones and the ones retaining at least some semblance of intellect survived. Natural selection and evolution is the product you see before yourself today! Don't give me that confused look! Look around us – there is quite the crowd gathering to see what strange new thing appeared next to little old moi. As you can see they look intelligent and not fat. Except for that chubby on the left. He looks dumb. Marvelous thought though, given a few more centuries without me those ponies of old would probably have gotten so brain-dead that they'd most likely forget to breathe! Ha! Their whole race owes their existence to me and they repay me by trapping me in stone. But that is just me, the saint, the ever-sacrificing, the sufferer; Q… Oh, don't give me that look! I like being dramatic from time to time… a lot of times… ok, ok, most of the time! And how can you keep on interrupting me without even saying a word? Well, ok, you did say one word. Though technically those were several words strung together. But as the master of getting out on technicalities I will concede this round to you due to your flawless execution and rapier sharp wit! And again I am off-topic. Old Jean-Luc would probably have a fit if I was ever this scattered-brained around him. Wow! I think I am going for a record on how many times I've gotten off topic in a single conversation! So… right, the ponies. Well the thing is the ponies of the now are beginning to show some of the traits I saw in the ponies of old so I figured that another dose of random chaos and slight misery will help these ponies getting back on the Darwinian road. But being bored as I am I don't want to know what happens next, so to speak, so here you are! I will implement that small bit of myself into you so you will be the catalyst for its powers and I will not be able to see what it is planning out! Marvelous, I know! Now you probably have some questions so I'll answer them in no particular order. And yes, you can speak soon, I'll just answer the obvious questions first. Firstly, you will stay here as long as I see fit. Secondly you can think of this as a glorious quest with great rewards at the end of it… and maybe a few somewhere along the way as well, I don't know yet, I can't see what the future holds for these ponies, and you, so I will improvise along the way. Thirdly, as bleak, boring, and pathetic as your life was, you do have some people who you care about and don't want to see suffering so I left a doppelganger of you back there to continue the miserable life you've been experiencing up to this point so nobody will miss you. I know, I know, I am a kind heart and a benevolent god-like figure, no need to thank me. Allrighty, you can speak now."
"Uhh, got a smoke?"
"Oh, where are my manners! Garcon! Bring the finest Cohiba Esplendido for my friend here! And a bottle of Glendronach eighteen please… Ahh, here we go! Now, please, back to our conversation! I have no idea what you will say next so I am burning to hear every sound you make! You have no idea how interesting this is to me, for I have known everything, everywhere, everywhen forever!"
"Foreveeeeer"
"What was that? It sounded like… Pinkie?"
"Ahh, yes… the pink one. She has a very strong grasp of quantum mechanics without even realizing it herself… Another wonderous thing about my plan – since you will be affecting this whole multiverse, as it were, I will not be able to see what will happen anywhere here, and with her around everything will be just so much more… random!"
"Umm… could you please… hurt me a little in some fashion? I am still uncertain is this is a dream or not."
"I think I can oblige such a unique request… Tell you what, I'll drop you about ten feet after we are done with our conversation and I will fully bring you into the pony world. Sounds good?"
"That will work, I guess… just let me finish my drink first – it seems to be doing wonders to my headache… wait, headache? Wait, Q! You don't have to drop…"
*Poof*
"…Me! Ooooh, fuck! Fuck! Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuuuuuuuuuuu!"
*thud*
"That.. was way more.. than ten feet.. you.. bastard…"
"Well, it was ten feet if you count from the top of that mountain, but don't concern yourself over such petty details."
"Petty? PETTY? I could have died! In fact I am surprised I can still move…"
"Tisk, tisk… You are forgetting that you now hold a small bit of me in you, so such a small thing as a drop at terminal velocity won't even harm you much. Now, we have but a few minutes until the royal sisters arrive, so let us do something your inner nerd will simply love! Here are four three-sided dice with which you will roll for your stats! Hahaa!"
"Three-sided? That's impossible… Wait, wait! Forget I said anything."
"You are catching on... good! But if you look closely they are actually possible to make without bending physics. But that is irrelevant at the moment. You have six stats to choose from; strength, dexterity, stamina, intellect, luck and beauty! All I am hoping from these rolls is that you save beauty for last and roll four ones! But time will tell what happens, so roll and pick a stat! Ooh, three ones and a three… promising start! Which stat will you choose for this, frankly woeful, roll?"
"… … Dexterity"
"Great potential for embarrassing situations! You are exceeding my every expectation! Next? Total… nine? Above average, but nothing spectacular…"
"Intellect."
"Ironically a very wise choice. Take it from someone who is an absolute expert on the matter – knowing too much is BORING! Allrighty, next! Oh me, oh my! A perfect twelve! Surprise me!"
"Luck!"
"Oh, pish! Now you had to go and ruin it all… now there is no use of rolling for the rest of the stats, but if you must, I predict three more perfect twelves… but that's the game, I suppose. But before we part ways, I must ask: why are you so… accepting to this bizarre situation? You must understand - I was expecting more incoherent questions."
"You pretty much give me paradise and expect me to question you? I'd be more likely singing praises to your awesomeness to be frank. But a more realistic reason? I think I am still pretty much very stoned from before I was whisked to this world."
" Oh, I see! Well, far be it for me to keep you away from all the impending pain that changing your muscles and physical build will bring, so, adios!"
"Wait, PaiIIIIAAAAAAAAAARGH!"
XxXxXx
"Umm, is this writer on? Right! Let me add a little side-note from myself, Q the almighty! You will have to excuse if something weird happens in this story because some things are just… boring. So I will nudge the fourth wall from time to time, maybe change the perspective and generally be random! The writer is typing this out as a joke, but pay no heed to the poor fool, just remember – I might be actually talking to you at some time. No! Not you, chubby! You look dumb…"
Authors note: The more observant of you, my dear readers, might notice that this is the second story I've uploaded here, but pay little heed to my previous title; it is a story I started writing ages ago before understanding how annoying life can get. (any questions about it you might have, PM me :3) But this story... I want to pour my whole soul into it, how much I love those ponies. Thats right, I am a Brony through and through! Hay, I even started meddling with Quantum physics on the nearly-nonexistant off-chance that I could find a way to quantum leap into Equestria. At any rate, any questions, comments, or whatever else you might throw my way, I'll gladly answer! Untill next time!
P.S. the hyphonated german word in the middle couldn't be uploaded without the hyphons for some reason... pardon me if i butchered it.