Author's Note: Hello there, my name is Flutter, and I should not be starting a new fanfiction.
But this just occurred to me, and I fell in love with it right away. Besides, it's been far too long since I've written for Maximum Ride. So, with that, welcome to Happily Feather After, a parody of classic fairy tales starring none other than the characters of MR! I'll try to incorporate a bunch of different pairings and such, but my main goal is just to make you laugh. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: (*Points to James Patterson*) He made me do it!
Once upon a time...
there lived a girl named Cinderella, Ella for short. And while Ella was beautiful, her life had been far from easy, for her wicked stepmother, Brigid, and her two horrid step-siblings, Lissa and Dylan had turned her into a common scullery maid and treated her like dirt for as long as she could remember.
Now, most people would have lost heart by now. Most girls would have either turned completely bitter and grown up to spend their lives as those old ladies who shrieks at children to get off their lawns or just broken down and starting muttering to themselves until they were carted away to the nut hut, but not Ella. Ella remained cheerful and hopeful about the future.
Sure, she didn't have much, but she did have one friend, one really great friend, and as anyone learned in the practice of reading stories with deep morals will tell you, one great friend is often all it takes. Ella's friend was named Max. Max, was, for the most part, a lovely girl, though she did have the one personality glitch of thinking she was a mouse. She was perfectly sane otherwise, it was just a little awkward when she acted like no one but Ella could see her.
Our story begins upon the arrival of the invitation to Prince Iggy's ball. It read:
"Ladies and Gentle... Ladies,
The Great Prince Iggy is seeking a chick. Thus, all applicable babes and their chaperones are asked to attend the grand ball that well be held next Saturday night at nine. It will take place at the royal palace. Since the budget for the beach bunny theme fell through, the event will be black tie. We look forward to seeing you there!"
"Ooooooooooooooooooh, Mommy, can we go, can we go, can we go?" Lissa screeched.
"Of course we're going," Brigid snapped. "They'll be expecting us- they know how many girls there are in the kingdom."
"So they'll be expecting the two of us?" Lissa asked eagerly.
"Actually," Brigid said in a dangerously soft voice, "they're expecting all three of the girls who live here."
As neither Lissa or Dylan was particularly bright, it took a considerable amount of time for their eyes to settle on Ella.
"Her?" Lissa squawked.
"Well, I suppose there's no harm in taking her..." Brigid said uncertainly.
"No, Mommy!" This time it was Dylan. "Don't take her. I want to go! Take me in her place!" Dylan wasn't gay, but, being the sexist pig that he was, he saw the opportunity to be surrounded by every single girl in the kingdom and intended to jump on it.
A grin spread across Brigid's face. "Fine, it's settled. Dylan will represent Ella, who will be at home dying of a rare Scandinavian disease. Royalty love sob stories. Ella, make us dresses."
Ella found herself alone in the sewing room. She allowed a few tears to slip down her face; she had secretly been looking forward to going to the ball. But still, she made the dresses in time for the dance. She was like that.
And when the night of the ball came, she even complimented her family on how nice they looked, in spite of the fact that they actually looked like the unfortunate lovechildren of Susan Boyle and a vampire. They merely sneered at her as they left.
Ella had resolved to stay strong when she left- maybe even splurge and make herself her very own bologna and cheese sandwich. But, as she imagined the party and all the fun her family must be having, she burst into tears. She put her head in her arms, sobbing.
Someone was stroking her hair. It was Max. "Why aren't you at the ball?" Ella sniffed.
"They didn't invite mice, silly," Max said solemnly.
Ella put her head back down and continued to sob, "Just go! I want to be alone!"
Max continued to stroke her hair, but when Ella looked up to tell her off, she found that it wasn't Max at all, oh no. It was a strange woman who looked quite like Ella. "Ella, sweetie, why aren't you at the ball?"
Instead of doing something crazy, like asking 'Who are you?' or 'How do you know my name?' or 'How did you get into my house?', Ella did the rational thing and struck up a conversation with her. "My stepmother took my stepbrother instead of me," she whimpered.
"Oh, that's terrible! But don't be sad. I'm here to help. I'm Valencia, by the way."
"But Valencia... why would you want to help me?"
"Isn't it obvious, dear? I'm your godmother!"
"You are?"
Valencia nodded, smiling sagely.
"Are you here to tell me you're a fairy, make me a dress out of magic, and get me to the ball without my stepmother ever knowing?"
"No, actually, I'm here to do this." With that, she drew back her hand and slapped Ella across the face.
Ella put a hand to her searing cheek. "What was that for?"
"For being a doormat for all these years! Girl, it's time to man up. Live a little!"
"You mean I should..."
"Just go. Stand up for yourself for once, have a good time for once, and maybe, just maybe, get the guy. What's life without a few risks?"
"Well... I'd love to, I suppose, but I don't have a dress."
"I brought you the most beautiful dress in the land."
"I don't have a ride."
"You live three blocks from the palace. You'll make it."
"... I still don't think it's such a good idea!"
Valencia sighed. "Look honey, if you're that worried about it, just be home by midnight. Your family will never know."
"Alright," Ella said nervously. She put on the dress and found that it fit her perfectly and, as promised, it was absolutely stunning. She took off for the palace.
Upon arriving, a guard asked for her name. Ella's heart sank. Her family would already be there, meaning that she would already be accounted for. She would have to go home after all.
Suddenly, Ella looked down at herself, and then she looked around her. She thought of her godmother's words. No. She would not go home without a fight. She was at the palace and she looked like a princess and she was going to live her dreams tonight.
She kneed the guard in the groin, elbowed him in the neck, and banged his head against the large stone pillar he was standing in front of, effectively knocking him unconscious.
She continued into the ballroom at a strut, but her way was blocked by yet another guard. And this one had reinforcement.
"Excuse me, miss, but we've gotten a report about someone attacking a member of our staff to gain access to the palace."
Ella stiffened. "I'm sorry to hear that, but I haven't seen anyone. Don't know a thing about it."
"That's fine, but just to be safe, could you give us your name as well."
"My name?" Oh crap. She couldn't take down all these guys- there were just too many. She wished she had brought Max along, Max was a good fighter.
Wait a minute. Max...
"Max," she said. "My name is Max Ride, and I'm a single girl from the kingdom, so I was invited here."
One of the thugs checked a clipboard. "There's a Max Ride on the list. And she's unaccounted for."
The guard shrugged. "Alright then. Sorry we bothered you, Miss Ride. Have a nice evening."
She beamed, and thanked God for her friend's secret mental handicap.
Once inside, she was captivated by the magic of it all, and everyone else was captivated with her. The only one to speak was Lissa, who asked her brother, "Who's that girl that looks exactly like Ella in every way?"
"I have no idea. Surely no one we know."
Prince Iggy, though blind, noticed the sudden hush that fell over the crowd and turned to mutter to his assistant, Fang. "What happened?"
"A girl just walked in."
"That bad, huh?"
"No. Actually, just the opposite. She's the prettiest girl here."
"Well why didn't you just say so? Bring her to me!"
Fang rushed over and grabbed Ella by the hand. "The prince would like to dance with you." And before Ella even knew what was happening, she was in the arms of the most handsome man she'd ever seen, swaying back and forth to gentle music that an orchestra was playing from a balcony above.
"So," he said, "I hear you look pretty hot tonight."
"Thank you. My godmother did find me quite a nice dress."
After that, it seemed, no more words were needed, because when you're in love with someone, you don't need words, your souls simply connect, and you start doing those odd little couple things like finishing each other's sentences or that thing where you run into each other and you both try to get out of the way but you just end up stepping into each other's path all over again. Yeah. That was love.
But eventually, of course, the clock struck midnight and Ella ran off.
"Wait! Where are you going?"
"I have to get home!"
"But I don't even know your name! Please, please tell me!"
Ella heard this and deeply, deeply wished to answer, but, alas, she was already running home, and she just didn't have what it took to walk and talk at the same time. That kind of stuff took years of training.
Iggy listened to the sound of her retreating footsteps, heartbroken, until his foot bumped something lying on the floor. He picked it up and examined it carefully with his fingers. It was a shoe!"
"Fang!" he called.
"Yes, sir?"
"That girl made this the best night of my life. Tomorrow, you are to try this shoe on every girl in the kingdom and determine who that fine, fine lady is."
"Sir," Fang sighed, "I'm glad to hear that you've found someone, but don't you think this is going a bit far? Besides, I'm sure a lot of women have the same size feet..."
"Nonsense! This is the smallest shoe I've ever felt. My lady must have the daintiest feet in all the land."
"But Prince Iggy, wouldn't it make more sense to ask the guards if they remembered the girl? They'd know her name if they did."
"Fang, I don't understand why you always doubt me. Just try the shoe on every single girl who was here."
The next day, Fang was shocked when he found that not a single girl could squeeze her foot into the slipper that Iggy's girl had left behind. He was running out of households! Things weren't looking good. Iggy would be so upset if he lost his one true love and besides, the kingdom was starting to fall into chaos. The women were starting to instate the ancient Chinese practice of foot-binding.
He knocked on the door of the very last house grimly. Inside, he saw three girls, one woman, and a boy. "Excuse me, I need these three to try the shoe on."
He had a spark of hope with the first one- she was certainly the most beautiful girl Fang had ever seen. He couldn't help but stare as he slipped the shoe on. He frowned. It didn't fit. "I'm sorry, you don't seem to be a match," he murmured. The girl didn't seem to upset, she just made a little noise and went off. He wasn't sure exactly what the noise was, but it sounded a bit like a... squeak.
The next girl was nothing special, but he tried the shoe on anyway. He'd seen some big feet today, but damn. The tiny shoe dangled on her big toe like it belonged to a doll. This girl was quite infuriated, but he ignored her and went on to the next girl.
This time, the shoe fit.
"That is impossible!" Brigid shrieked. "This wretch didn't leave the house the night of the ball."
"Regardless, I'll have to take her back to the palace immediately."
"No! I won't allow it!"
But before he could argue, Brigid was knocked out by a flying projectile aimed at her head. Looking closely, Fang could identify it only as the largest hunk of cheese he had ever seen.
He looked up to see the beautiful girl who had squeaked grinning proudly. "Nice!" he complimented her.
And so it was that Iggy and Ella were reunited, Iggy recognized her immediately (again through the powers of love), and they were married the very next day despite the fact that they had never had so much as a proper conversation.
And they all lived happily feather after. The end.