A kink meme de-anon. I swear I was totally serious when I wrote this. xD
England didn't know how it happened.
He was doing his very best in following a recipe for banana muffins, and as per Germany's usual advice for all things, he was following it word-for-word, but somehow it ended up with his kitchen on fire.
France, America, Australia, New Zealand, Canada, and the rest of his extended family of nations were watching a movie in his living room while he prepared miniature sandwiches and various things sweet and carb-filled to serve with high tea. The cucumber sandwiches did not turn out crunchy as expected, and the scones somehow ended up with holes like Swiss cheese, but a nation would never have become an empire through giving up!
A large ceramic bowl rested on his countertop. White flour lay in a powdered mess everywhere, and an actual mug that was substituted for a measuring cup sat in the tub of sugar. Because he was an old-fashioned type at heart, England had a gas stove, and he hummed to himself as he boiled a kettle full of water for Earl Grey tea. Though he wasn't sure where the tea bags were. Hmmm...
"Oh man! Why didn't she just shoot him already?" America complained from the other room.
"Because that would be unromantic," France replied.
"Who cares? Where's the guns?"
England shook his head in annoyance at the sound of their voices. Watching movies with America and France always ended as a continuous banter of personal opinion and complaints. At least he was enjoying the rainy afternoon by peeling bananas for those banana muffins America wanted.
Picking up an overripe banana, England used his teeth to bite the tip off the end without the stem, and peeled it with fumbling fingers. Noticing that the bag of wheat bran on his shelf was getting rather old, he thought that perhaps he should sneak in some bran so America could finally get rid of his constipation problem from not getting enough fibre. But then America might go in his house, and he didn't want his toilet to get clogged again...
Wandering thoughts occupied his mind when the banana peel slipped from his fingers and into the gas-fueled fire. Bursts of flame shot outwards from the open fire, and the banana peel began to turn black.
"Ah!" England cried out loud in surprise. Quickly getting his kitchen towel, he tried to douse the flame with it. However, it too caught in flames, and it was consumed by the inferno.
"England, what is wrong?" Francis questioned from his spot on the couch, but England only replied with a panicked, "Nothing!" before throwing the towel in flames across the kitchen.
The towel landed on a stack of newspapers on his dining table, and England's eyes widened in horror as his beautiful antique table was engulfed by fire. He grabbed the coffee mug out of the container of sugar and hastily filled it with tap water, before throwing it on the fire.
"Extinguish!" He yelled in agony when the flames refused to fizzle out. He threw another mug-full of water. And another. And another.
"England, are you sure you are okay in there? Are you throwing the tea around the room?"
The tea? The tea! The kettle of water!
England was old-fashioned, and he didn't have one of those fancy kettles that whistled when the water finished boiling, in fact, he was supposed to keep an eye on it...
Instinct from years of repeated occurrences caused England to jump back as the lid of the kettle exploded upwards, hitting the ceiling and taking out a chunk of plaster. Boiling water splashed across the room, and England once again jumped out of the way. His arm hit the bag of flour, and it spewed particles into the air...and into the raging fire.
England span on his heel to keep his face away from the burning bits of flour, and his other arm hit the kettle of water, which splashed scorching water onto his pants.
"Ahhhh!" England's scream roused the guests in his living room.
France ran into the kitchen, stumbling over the rolling (now empty) plastic container of flour. Seeing the disaster, he smirked while the other nations hurried to call the fire department.
"Good job, England. You managed to surprise me with your bad cooking. I'm sure that burnt flour tastes very good with your wet pants."