In the year 2005, a particularly bored twelve year old began reciting funny stories to his often high as hell friend. The stories, detailing the often incredibly irrelevant lives of retired video game characters. A decade later, nearly every original post and publication of the stories has been lost to the flow of time, deletion of forums and general poor storage management on my part. Now, for time I'm not even sure what, the series takes on its latest revival:
…
THE CAST:
Dante Sparda (Devil May Cry): A former demon-slayer who retired from the business for badtalking his design in Devil May Cry 4. The name Capcom leaves a bad taste in his mouth and, in his struggle to embrace his newfround freedom, is exercising his ridiculously powerful levito. He is an amateur pornographic film director to keep money coming in.
…
Link McNash (Legend of Zelda): The once illustrious Hero of Time, whose career and reputation kinda fell apart when he retroactively undid his own saving of the world by returning to his childhood and having Ganondorf arrested for misconduct, rather than slaying him after seven years of darkness. Zelda also broke up with him when she started fucking his cel-shaded self. Link's raging alcoholic tendencies mix together with his mellowed out pot-smoking to create a mostly functioning individual. He resells dirty needles in his free time. Roommates with Cloud.
…
Cloud Strife (Final Fantasy VII): Depressed by the death of his lover Aerith towards the end of Final Fantasy VII and further depressed by the downward spiral the whoring of his license created, Cloud is a miserable little creature who claims to be Jewish, may or may not struggle with his sexual identity, and whose thoughts of slashing his own wrists grow stronger every day. No one is entirely sure what his job is, or why he willingly lives in poor conditions with Link.
…
Blade: An electricity powered hedgehog who has been out of work after being exiled from the Super Smash Flash series, along with companion and roommate Spikeman. Blade is the team's voice of reason, is incredibly technologically and combat savvy and is generally kind to others. It is perhaps the only reason why he hangs out with the rest of the cast, sometimes bordering on being a doting father-figure, though not unwilling to engage in their insanity himself. He moved into the neighborhood several years after the core cast has been developed, but is beloved by all of them nonetheless. He is a retired hitman and now works as a hibachi chef.
…
Spikeman: A spikey (a race of armless creatures around three-feet tall, most of which is head and spikey hair), Spikeman and Blade have been close friends since they were both kicked out of Super Smash Flash 2. Falling into obscurity created a deep, brotherly bond between the two… Though like any other pair of brothers, they have many scraps of their own. Spikeman is brash and impulsive, but often serves as the heart of the big five.
…
FMZ Mini Stories: The New Non-Adventures
Season Idunfuckingknow
Episode One: Bualls
…
[The scene opens within Link and Cloud's apartment as Link sits sprawled out on the couch and watches Saturday morning cartoons, a joint in one hand, a Jägermeister in the other.]]
Link: Come on… Get to the good stuff already! You call this starting a fucking season? I feel like I'm getting a root canal while having my chest hairs waxed… And being forced to watch The Mummy 3… (Under his breath) Is that reference still relevant?
[Cloud enters from his bedroom, scratching his eyes until he gets a good look at Link sprawled out on the couch. He is instantly furious]
Cloud: What have I told you about sitting naked on the damn loveseat?!
Link: I'm using it for its intended purpose! You're supposed to make love on it, dumbass.
Cloud: Alright smart guy, who'd you make love to on it then?
Link: My girlfriend of the week. Her name is Candy. (He waves to Cloud) Hi there, stupid blonde haired guy… Did I say Candy? I meant Handy.
Cloud: Did you wash that hand?
Link: What do you think I am, a barbarian?
Cloud: Good.
[Cloud then grabs ahold of the hand Link waved at him with and begins to squeeze and twist it. In moments, Link is shouting in agony.
Link: Ow! Cut it out asshole!
Cloud: No! I'm sick and tired of waking up and finding you pulling this shit on the couch I paid for! Apologize!
Link: NO!
Cloud: Damn it, I'll bite it off if you make me!
[Link shifts his position on the couch so that he can deliver a few kicks to Cloud's face]
Link: What, you're not gonna take me out to dinner first?!
Cloud: Give it to me! I've endured enough of this shit already!
[In amongst the struggle, Link manages to trap Cloud in a triangle choke. However, this maneuver leaves his balls inches away from Cloud's mouth. Cloud, in turn, leans forward to bite them, which nearly brings Link to freak out, until there is a knock on the door.]
Landlord Daisy: Hey! You homos gonna answer the door for me?
Link: I take that offensively Mrs. Perkins, and I'd sue you for it if I had the funds to do so!
Landlord Daisy: Yeah yeah yeah. Open the door already!
[Link releases Cloud who then pushes him aside, glaring at him for a moment before slapping him right in the nads.]
Link: MOTHERFUCKER! (Clenches his balls and grits his teeth).
[Cloud goes to answer the door. A half-toothed, raggedy looking Princess Daisy leans against the doorway, smoking a cigarette. Cloud immediately averts his eyes]
Cloud: Agh! Um… Hello… Mrs. Perkins… Doing well today?
Daisy: Cut the shit, Strife. You're a week late on rent.
Cloud: Late on rent? I had it ready for you last Friday! I left it right on the counter for Link to deliver to you.
Daisy: I never received it.
Cloud: (Glares at Link) I left you my half of the rent. Where the fuck did it go?
Link: Wha… What? The money you left on the counter…? I thought that was for the apocalypse bunker.
[Cloud's jaw drops as Daisy peers inside, noticing the naked Link]
Cloud: Apocalypse bunker?! What apocalypse bunker?! We don't even have a backyard you piece of shit!
Link: But I bought hundreds of boxes of Hot Pockets and instant mashed potatoes already!
[Cloud grabs Link to beat the shit out of him, but Daisy interrupts them with an "Ahem".]
Daisy: Hey there MacNash.
Link: How did you learn my last name?
Daisy: You got nice bualls.
Link: *Blink blink* Um… Thank you?
Daisy: I'll tell you homos what… Mr. Perkins hasn't been especially receptive to my needs as of late… I haven't had my… Cake batter whizzed lately, if you know what I mean?
Link: Uhh… What?
Daisy: I want you to pound my muffin.
Cloud: You… I don't get it…
Daisy: Oh for the love of- You're gonna fuck me McNash!
Link: (Unsettled) What?!
Daisy: You. Fuck. Me. And I'll drop your rent for the month.
[Link and Cloud exchange genuinely disturbed looks before…]
Cloud: He'll do it.
Link: WHAT?!
[Daisy gives Link a smile, revealing a horrid smile]
Daisy: Looking forward to it, McNash… You ever had anyone look in your asshole?
Link: *Goes pale* Um… I don't think so…?
[Daisy pops out her right eye, revealed to be glass, and rolls it around between her fingers]
Daisy: I can't wait to touch your brown eye with one of my blues, McNash. See you on Wednesday.
[Daisy cackles and wheezes nicotine as she steps out of their room, Link staring at Cloud, still flushed with horror]
Link: You piece of shit… I can't fuck that! I'll take the street first!
Cloud: Yeah? Well you spent all my rent, bitch. You screwed me out of my hard-earned money, time to pay the price.
Link: Well what am I even going to do?! I can't keep a boner when I'm inside… THAT!
Cloud: Well, thankfully we have somebody to go to. Put your damn pants on, we're going to Dante's.
[Dante's apartment, down the road]
Dante: So let me get this straight, you spent all your rent on stupid shit, and now you have to poke your ugly landlord to get her back off for a month?
Cloud: Yep.
Dante: Been there, done that. Alright, there are two things we gotta take advantage of. Let me get my dry erase board.
[Dante wheels said dry erase board in and grabs a marker, taking a quick huff for the hell of it]
Dante: Okay, here's what we're gonna- WHEW, that's some potent shit right there! Aw man, that's nice… Okay, anyway, here's what we're gonna do. *Dante begins drawing a number of crude illustrations the writer thankfully has left to your imagination* There are two things we gotta use here. The first, as you can see right here, is a reverse-cowgirl. You're on the bottom, she's on the top, and she's faced away from you. It's the world's most ideal way to bang ugly types… She's not a whale right?
Link: Well-
Cloud: No. She's not.
Dante: I mean there's an important distinction to make. A woman with a little of that extra stuff on her can be pretty fuckin' rad.
Cloud: She doesn't have any of that. We promise.
Dante: I mean I'm Italian. My grandma? My maternal great-grandma? She was a fat fat fat fat fat woman… But that's five fats. Any more than seven and they're going to suffocate you.
Cloud: (Unamused) Please stop telling us how you want to pork your grandma and get on with it.
Dante: Okay, anyway reverse-cowgirl. Easy fix, you just tell her to mount you backwards. Unless she somehow has a hideous back, you should be fine.
Link: But what if she demands I look her in the eye?
Cloud: It's Mrs. Perkins. She only has one of her eyes, remember?
Dante: Our next step is to craft you a Pavlovian boner.
Link: (Stares) I know I've said it a lot already but… WHAT?!
Dante: It's simple, classic conditioning shit. Here, let me show you. (Dante goes over to his DVD rack and retrieves a copy of "Village Hidden in the Lay" and a pack of Big Red chewing gum). Okay, this is simple. All you gotta do is chew this gum and watch this DVD.
Link: Um… Why? What would that accomplish.
Dante: Your brain can be taught to associate certain things together. If you've got a raging stiffie while you're chewing gum, after a few sessions, your mind will associate chewing gum with raging stiffies, so you'll be able to get hard just by chewing gum. It'll help you maintain your erection while you're fucking ugly.
Link: (Exchanges looks at the gum and DVD before looking to Cloud) Will you watch it with me?
[Cloud punches Link in the mouth]
[Later that night, Link sits with Spikeman on the couch, who, naturally, wouldn't miss hot Konoichi on Konoichi action for all of King Midas's gold]
Link: (Takes a long drag on his joint as he chews his gum) I don' fuggin' get it… If Itchy chan really hated sex because the Nine-cocked fox fucked everybody when she was a kid, why did she grow up to fuck all the the people in her clan and not leave any for her sister, Saslesbian.
Spikeman: Why didn't the creators spring for a better pun? Saslesbian, seriously? Because it's like "gay" and "Sasuke" sounds like "Sas-gay"? This is a piece of shit. Did Dante write this?
Link: He has a directing credit, but the writer is apparently someone named "Mr. Hatake."
Spikeman: Never heard of him… Nine cocked fox… What would you even do with all those? I can come up with maybe five holes, if I really thought about it.
Link: What if she's got like, a really big belly button?
Spikeman: No. Just no.
Link: How fuggin long are we gonna focus on Itchy and Saslesbian's shit anyway? I thought this series was supposed to be about Naruko Uwilfukmi.
Spikeman: Are you complaining about not seeing the chick who has a nine-penised demon inside her?
Link: Yeah… Maybe a little…
[Link goes on prepping his Pavlovian boner, cultivating it to perfection on Wednesday]
Link: And that's how Big Red became the sexiest gum on the face of the earth.
Blade: Fascinating… I wonder how Pavlov would feel about his work going towards something like this.
Spikeman: If Oboobto just wanted revenge for Cockashi popping Ring's cherry, why is he trying to take revenge on the whole planet?
Blade: It's not JUST because Cockashi had sex with Ring. That was just her moment when she decided love in sex didn't really matter, so she seeks to create a world of illusion where those things DO matter.
Link: Madickshard is still ridiculously overpowered. It ruins the story's structure if he can just fuck everyone as much as he wants. He's seriously too oversexed WITHOUT the ten-cocked beast.
[Friday comes, Link is being pep-talked by Cloud]
Cloud: Alright jackass, you've got the gum, you've got the cowgirl technique, I know you can do this. Don't fuck up… I mean… DO fuck up… She'll be on top of you so… Yeah, fuck UP, just don't FUCK up.
Link: I need more beer… I'm so going to be sick…
[An hour later, Link stumbles into Daisy's apartment, shaking his head and pushing sickness aside as he looks up at Daisy, garbed in a sexy neglige that completely contrasts with how utterly hideous she is.
Daisy: Well well, looks like you made it lover-boy. (Link heaves a little and takes a long drink from a flask of whiskey.) Gimmie a sip of that.
Link: (Hands her the flask) Hey… Listen… Mrs. Perkins… D'ya like Hot Pockets? Because I can offer you a lot, A LOT of Hot-
Daisy: Hey, McNash, did you know my people are descended from dinosaurs?
Link: Wha… No…?
Daisy: Yeah. Dinosaurs who disappeared into an alternate dimension and evolved into people… You ever met a woman who can do this? (Daisy sticks out a ridiculously long, forked tongue and wraps it around the flask, rolling it up and down. Link stares in horror as she jacks off his flask before he runs to a trash can and vomits violently.
Link: Holy… Holy fucking shit… Think there's some blood in there...
Daisy: What's that smell?
Link: Mostly… Mostly beef stroganoff and Big Red's chewing gum…
Daisy: Yer a dirty man McNash. I'm a vegetarian. Mostly. (She starts blowing the flask again, Link heaves once more).
Link: Hey… Hey listen… I wanna keep it… Vanilla dome on this one… You know?
Daisy: Oh, so you're a basic bitch huh? I think that's cute. Wanna know what brontosaurus boobs look like?
[Link would vomit again, but his stomach is empty at this point.]
Link: Please… I was raised Jehova's Witness… Can we just… I wanna lay down and let it happen… Can you please understand that?
Daisy: Yeah yeah yeah McNash. You're a lazy fucker aren't you?
Link: … Yep. That's exactly what this is! I'm a lazy fucker. Sure am. But you know what I like? Cowgirls… Reverse cowgirls… I want you to reverse cowgirl me.
Daisy: Well apparently you're not that boring McNash! Go lay down and I'll get to work.
[Link swallows hard and stuffs several pieces of Big Red gum into his mouth as he lays down in his bed, gnashing the gum as fast as possible. Daisy mounts him with her back to him as the two begin to fuck. Link's eyes are kept very tightly shut as Daisy rides him, excited at first before she slows down.]
Link: HEY! What's going on? Let's just get it done here!
Daisy: Your bualls aren't as nice as they were the other day.
Link: Would you quit saying it like that?! They were sore because I got slapped in em'.
Daisy: Huh… I see… (Daisy pauses for a moment and begins aggressively slapping Link's nuts. He was quickly screaming in agony as she keeps at it.)
Link: Cut it out you bitch! They're gonna be beanbags by the time you're done!
Daisy: Oh I'm counting on it! Huge bualls are the shit buddy!
[Daisy throws a few more slaps as Link continues to cringe and roar in pain. Struggling to do anything, Link reaches up and grabs ahold of Daisy's hair on the back of her head and yanks it to try and get her off. To his continued surprise, it is revealed to be a wig and, moments later, he suddenly realizes Daisy has a third eye in the back of her head. It looks surprised at first, but then half-closes seductively as Link looks on in horror.]
Daisy: Oh my, looks like you found my other eye… You wanna know where my other mouth is?
Daisy's Asshole: Howdy thar partner!
[Link screams in abject terror for several seconds before the sheer shock forces him into unconsciousness.]
[Cut to several days later, in a downtown hospital]
Dr. Stiles: Quite a nasty situation you got yourself in there sir. She slapped your testicles for two straight hours after you fell unconscious. I can hardly believe there wasn't any permanent damage. The things looked like balloons when we wheeled you in.
Link: Thanks for the encouragement doc… I'm sore… I'm disgusted… I'm hungover… Can I please go home now?
Dr. Stiles: The only thing left to do is prescribe you your treatment. (He tears a sheet out of the notebook he is writing in.) Here you go, do this for a month or so and you'll be fine.
[Link looks at the doctor's note and double takes]
Link: You're telling me I get to-
[Cut to Link in his apartment, in literally the exact same position he was in at the beginning of the episode]
Link: -Sit on my couch, totally naked and just let the boys have some air. [Cloud stares at him in total repulsion.] I think this is the first time anyone has ever said this literally: Fucking, worth it!
The End.