DISCLAIMER: You know, I really wish I owned these
characters, but I don't. I really wish
I owned the show, but I don't. Hey
Chris! I'll buy them for a dollar!!!
YES!
Midnight Madness
Once upon a time there was a woman
named Scully. She was an FBI agent who
had a strange feeling that her life was more entertaining than a soap opera,
but she wasn't sure.
SCULLY'S APARTMENT
It was ten minutes to midnight, and
she was as bored as the time her partner Mulder tried to tell her about his
love for celery. So she decided to talk
to herself. Aloud.
"Hi self," said Scully. "How have
you been lately? Oh, don't worry, I get
lonely too. But you keep me company all
the time. Especially during those
meetings with AD Kersh. Yep. Yeah…uh…maybe I should call some one. What do you think? Yes? Okay. Let's see.
I'll call Mulder and then I can ask him to-"
MULDER'S APARTMENT
"-watch some porn." Mulder got up
to go to his movie shelf. "That sounds
like a good idea. It's my fav-o-rite
pastime. Then talking about celery is
my close second. Yes."
And then the phone rang. Mulder hated that. He could never watch his favorite porn without a phone-sex
operator interrupting. Damn those women
with sexy voices. Always making the
rates higher. It was getting to the
point that he considered giving them up altogether and just call Scully. But no…she was boring. Like that time she tried to tell him about
her love for cheese sticks.
"Hello?"
"Wassuuuuuuuup?"
"Wassuuuuuuuup?"
"Drinking a Bud; watching the
game," replied Scully.
Mulder smiled a huge smile of
huge-ness. "Really?!"
"No."
"Oh, okay," said Mulder. "So what do you want?"
"I was bored, so I decided to call you. Really bored. Really really bored.
Really really, extremely-"
"Okay, I get the point. This isn't about cheese sticks, is it?"
"No…as long as this isn't about
celery."
"Okay… So what do you wanna
do?" Mulder eyed his movie shelf
longingly.
"I dunno," Scully said, eying her
picture of John Stewart longingly.
"Wanna come over?"
"Do we get to watch porn?" Mulder asked hopefully.
"Only if it has John Stewart in
it," Scully answered, then immediately regretting it.
"Yes! This one does have John Stewart in it. Boy, Scully. This is gonna be fun. We
should make it into a slumber party!!!"
"Oooooh! Okay!" Scully exclaimed, jumping up and down like a
little girl. "Who are we inviting? Skinner, and Doggett, and Reyes, and Kersh-"
"Nooooooo," Mulder whined. "Not Kersh.
He's a big bully!"
"Yes! Then we can put shaving cream in his hand when he falls
asleep!" She explained.
"Oh, in that case, okay!"
So Mulder and Scully planned their
slumber party over the phone. And
magically and strangely, it was still ten minutes to midnight. Duh duh duh!
SCULLY'S APARTMENT
Mulder lay in the middle of
Scully's living room, holding his favorite celery and breathing deeply. Meanwhile, Scully was on the phone inviting
everyone.
"Hey Mulder!" Scully poked his eyeball.
"What? Can't you see I'm meditating with my favorite celery?"
"I just wanted to know if I could
invite-"
"Go away! It's celery time!"
"But I just wanted to know if it
was okay to-"
"Yes fine leave," Mulder said in a
nasty tone of nasty-ness.
"Okay then," said Scully.
"Okay then," said Mulder.
"I'm heeeeeeere," said Skinner. Scully jumped gleefully.
Skinner watched gleefully as she jumped gleefully. Then he remembered that he liked men…or did
he?
"Come on in, Skin-man," said Mulder, who was now munching his
favorite celery. Skinner walked inside
and was then followed by: Doggett,
Kersh, The Lone Gundorks, the ghost of Queequeg, and a poodle named Ralph. Reyes didn't wanna come over. She was too busy trying to become a female
Mulder.
"Well," said Scully. "What do you
guys wanna do?"
"I brought porn," said Mulder.
"I brought twister," said Kersh.
"We brought Al Gore," said The Lone Gundorks.
"Bark," said Ralph
"Boooooooo-ark," said Queequeg.
"I like women," said Skinner.
"Huh?" Everyone turned to look at him.
"Sorry."
"Okay," Scully said decisively.
"Ralph and Queequeg, you go play in the kitchen with Al Gore. We're
going to play Truth or Dare."
Ralph frowned, but got up to
leave. "Bark…"
Then, all of the sudden, there was
a knock on the door. And it was still
ten minutes to midnight! Duh duh duh!
Scully went to open the door, and
it was…VERBENA!!!
"Yea!" said Scully, jumping up and down excitedly. Kersh, Skinner, Mulder, Frohike and Doggett
watched her excitedly as she jumped up and down excitedly. Then, in a flash, it occurred to Mulder who
had just entered.
"Verbena? What are you doing here?"
"Scully invited me, and you suck,"
Verbena explained.
"Scully," asked Doggett. "You did
this?"
Duh duh duh!
"Of course," Scully answered. "Verbena is my best friend!"
Duh duh duh!
"Hey," exclaimed Kersh. "Where did the Skin-man go?"
Duh duh duh!
They all searched until Verbena
found him hiding behind the couch. He was
pretty bad at hiding, but what did you really expect from Skinner? After that, they all settled in to play
Truth or Dare. And Verbena was going
first…Duh duh…okay that's getting old…Snap crackle pop!
"Okay," she said. "Long haired weirdo. Truth or Dare?"
Langley thought for a moment. "Truuuuuudaaaaaaaatruuuuuthhhhh….yeah."
"Hmmm…Do you like your TV
show? Truthfully now."
Langley fought long and hard the
urge to tell a lie, but everyone knows it is impossible to tell an untruth
during Truth or Dare.
"Itreallyreallysucksandweshouldallbekilledfortryingtohaveourownshow," he said all in one breath. Verbena smiled wickedly. Langley glared. He then looked around for his victim.
"Kersh. Truth or Dare?"
"Damn…uh, dare. I don't want a long haired conspiracy weirdo
asking me questions."
"I dare you to…to…to…kiss Verbena!"
Verbena's eyes popped out of her
head. That wicked long haired
freak! "Nooooooooo," she said in slow motion. It was Langley's turn to smile
wickedly. Ah, sweet revenge. It really was disgusting though, and he
wondered if it was really worth it.
Verbena felt like she would be scared for life. Scully was sorry she had invited Kersh. Doggett pretended he was a terminator. Mulder pondered the meaning of life. Skinner tried to figure out if he liked
men. Frohike stared at Scully who was
staring at Byers who was staring at Al Gore in the next room.
"I like women," said Skinner.
"You've already established that,
sir," Scully snapped. "It's Kersh's turn anyway."
"Alright then, Agent Scully," Kersh said.
"Truth or Dare?"
Gulp. "Um. Truth?"
"Truth. Yes. Do you think I'm a
sexy hunk of black man?"
"Actually…no."
"Damn."
"My turn," Scully said gleefully. "Mulder, Truth or Dare?"
"Dare! Dare, baby! Woo!" He punched a fist into the air, accidentally
hitting Skinner, who was getting just a bit to close for comfort.
"I dare you to stand on your head
naked while reading Doggett his rights and eating a cheese stick!"
Verbena turned up her nose, knowing
the only person who really wanted to see that was Scully. And maybe Al Gore.
SCULLY'S KITCHEN
Ralph: "Bark!"
Queequeg: "Boooo-ark!"
Al Gore: "Woof."
SCULLY'S LIVING ROOM
Verbena crossed her arms. She tired of The Lone Gundorks' stupid antics
that were distracting Skinner from the game.
"That's it," shouted the girl. "You, you and you, sit in the corner. No, not that one. No, not that one. Yes,
that one."
When that was accomplished she
stood in the middle of the group.
"Okay," she proclaimed. "It's time to play a little game called
Verbena Gives Everyone Special Powers That Are Crap."
"Haven't you already done that
before," Doggett asked.
"Oh…then we are playing a game
called Seven Minutes In Heaven."
"Yes!" all the guys said at once.
Scully looked scared.
"But I get to choose the partners,"
Verbena added. Now everyone looked
scared. "Okay. Let's see.
Skinner and Al Gore."
"But I like women." Skinner said.
"No you don't." Verbena told him.
"I don't? Oh."
"Anyway. Skinner and Al Gore.
Mulder and Queequeg's ghost.
Doggett and Kersh. Langely and
Byers. Frohike and Ralph. Scully and John Stewart…and Me and Harlan
Williams!"
And sure enough, there in the
doorway stood John Stewart and Harlan Williams in his Mr. Headmistress outfit. And it was still ten minutes to
midnight. Snap crackle pop!
"That's it," Byers exclaimed,
getting out of his corner. "I have had enough of you Verbena. You are…you are…y-y-y-you are-"
"Are what Byers? Y-y-y-y-y."
"Queen of the universe?"
"That's what I thought!" Byers shut his mouth and groveled at her
feet. And that was when Verbena-
VERBENA'S ROOM
-woke up. She yawned at stretched her arms.
"Man, that was some dream."
She got up and went into her
kitchen and ate a cheese stick. She sat
down at the kitchen table and had some milk and cookies for a midnight
snack. She looked to the chair to the
left of her.
"Hi Harlan," she said. She drank another gulp of milk and then spat
it out. Harlan?! Snap crackle pop!
The End!!!
Okay, you may now all shoot me. Bye bye now! Hope you liked it Verbena!
Doggett: Hey! I wanted to play twister!
Mulder: And I wanted
to watch my porn.
Scully: That's okay,
because John Stewart showed up anyway.
Mulder: So.
Scully: So, he was
in the porn!
John Stewart: I was
in the porn?
Scully and Mulder:
Yes.
Skinner: I like
women.
Verbena: Take away
the wo part and you've got that right.
Skinner: …
Kersh: Ya'll come
back now, y'hear?
