Finding his blog was an accident, Sam swore by that. It had been open, Dean walked off and Sam just wanted to look something up real quick. He did not expect it to be open to some website called 'Tumblr'. Some cheesy URL with 'perdition' in the name, which obviously looked like it was Dean's blog.
Reading over the sidebar he had to be sure;
'Dean, 34, freelance hunter. I love Dr. Sexy, Castle, classic cars, walking on the beach, and frisky women.
'This is a personal blog, but I'll sometimes post about 'fandom' things I like. Still figuring out some things about myself. Bit confused about my sexuality, among other things so you'll find shit about that here too.'
He decides to read more on the blog later, looking over he can tell Dean will be back soon so he turns the laptop around and goes back to reading the news paper, eyes scanning it barely. His attention is more on wondering just what Dean needed a blog like that for. Was is some kind of diary? How did he even find out about 'tumblr'?
…More to the point, when was he going to tell Sam about liking guys? Dean seemed adamant about being straight, right? Always insisted he was…? Massaging his temple he listened to his brother re-enter the room, setting the bottle of whiskey down before going back to whatever he was doing before.
Sam just was trying his hardest to think of what signs there could have been that Dean was having sexual interest in men.
He covers his mouth with one hand in thought, only registering moments later that Dean was talking to him. Looking up he eyes Dean questioningly. "Hmm?"
"I'm going to go get us some food. I'll be back in a bit." He pat Sam on the shoulder before picking up the keys, laptop still open. The page was likely closed in case Sam needed to use it.
Nodding he looked to the laptop before to where his brother was retreating out the door. Once he heard the engine rev up he pulled the laptop over quickly going back to Dean's blog. He blinked when he saw the latest entry before reading over it;
'Sam and I haven't really talked since the fight. I'm not really surprised, we've never been ones to talk out our feelings. Well he used to be, but then the accident happened and…it's like him and I are completely different people from what we used to be. Like one year apart changed us. Even more than that, I think he's been different since after it happened. When he got fixed up but then that whole mess happened with Cas…
'Half of me is tempted to just run to Benny but he doesn't need that. Yeah he's the only one I can really rely on anymore with Cas gone and Sam hates my guts but…Benny doesn't need me clinging onto him like some scared four year old.
'When Sam and I are done with our job I might just say good bye. Leave him with Baby and find some way out. Go out in a blaze of glory if I can. Leave everything with him so I know it's in good hands.
'Might not even warn him when I leave. Just leave everything with him and start walking. Baby will be no good for me where I'm going.
'Just hope 'heroic suicide' isn't the kind that gets you sent to hell. I'm not a religious man, but I'd rather not go there…
'I used to believe in Sam. He was my world, my life, but life decided to smack me on the head thirty years late that he doesn't feel the same. And probably never will. He's been fighting to get away from me since he could run practically…
'Then there was Cas who I realized I fell for a little too late. But he's gone…
'And Benny…I don't want to drag him down. I love him, but he doesn't need me. No one does. I'll probably just see about rotting at the bottom of some lake when this is over.
'No one can tell me otherwise. I won't believe them.'
When he finished reading the entry he quickly closed the window then the laptop, holding his head. Dean…in love? Cas? Benny?
Then it clicked.
Dean was suicidal.
Since when?
He looked to the door, blinking a few times before looking back to the laptop. He would need to do some more digging…