I'll Go As Myself

by taitofan

Rated T

Disclaimer: I don't own New Danganronpa v3 or its characters.

Author's Note: This takes place in the same HPA no-despair AU as Sugar the Sweetest Thing. Also please mind that Shuuichi's parents are transphobic and homophobic and there are some potentially triggering things. Don't worry though, there's a happy ending!

If you have any CC, please share and I'll listen. Please read, review, and enjoy! Finished 03-12-17

Nothing had been more of a relief to Shuuichi than being recruited into the 79th class at Hope's Peak Academy. Life in middle school had been hell since the day he moved in with his uncle, and it had been just as bad—if not worse—before his parents had given up custody. But at a brand new high school, he could get a fresh start with no one knowing anything about him that he didn't choose to share.

He was registered as Shuuichi Saihara, Ultimate Detective, and unprecedented title considering there was already a girl boasting such a feat in the year above him. But there he was, almost finished with his first year of high school, with friends and a promising future ahead of him.

Sometimes he still thought about his first day, dressed in the Academy's uniform for the male students and shown up to the male dorms, and how the boy in the room next to him—with his mischievous purple eyes and distinctive nishishi of a giggle—had said how lucky he was to have such a cute boy next door. Shuuichi remembered how he'd cried once he was alone, just so relieved, so happy for the first time in so long.

Life was so much better now, but there were still a few little black rainclouds which threatened that happiness.

"Your parents?" Shuuichi nodded, smiling fondly when Kokichi pouted. To think that the first person to both see him as a boy and call him cute would end up his boyfriend! "You've never mentioned them before. I kind of thought they were, you know, dead."

Shuuichi felt a twinge of guilt knowing there had been some days he'd wished the same.

"They gave my uncle full custody when I was thirteen. But I still agree to see them when they ask." Which, thankfully, was only a few times a year. He wasn't sure he'd ever left a single one of their visits happy. "I'll be leaving after school lets out tomorrow, so I won't be able to see that movie with you this weekend. I'm sorry. I'd really rather go with you, but..."

But he needed to get this out of the way. He'd finally saved up the money—with his uncle's help, of course—and the doctors had given the okay, so surgery was scheduled as soon as the current school year ended. His parents had no legal right to stop him, but the timing was just too perfect for them to not have found out. They were going to try to talk him out of it, he just knew it.

"It's fine!" Kokichi assured him with a smile, but Shuuichi knew him far too well not to catch the worry in his eyes. "But you can call me anytime if something goes wrong, you know? Even if it's the middle of the night! It... It doesn't really sound like you want to go. Do they say mean things about... you?"

He knew what Kokichi was thinking, and how he never brought up the subject himself so he would never accidently say anything that would hurt Shuuichi. It was nice, Shuuichi thought, having him not make a big deal over it and just treat him as any other boy. But sweet as it was not to have to worry about such things, Shuuichi saw no point in hiding the truth. Kokichi already knew more than anyone outside of his family, so why not tell him this too?

"I'll probably call you at least a few times, in that case. My parents... They don't think they have a son. To them, all they have is a daughter, and they refuse to believe anything else."

Kokichi's face visibly wilted, and he opened his arms, giving Shuuichi the choice. He gratefully took it, holding his smaller boyfriend close, wishing he could just stay like that forever. Maybe, he desperately hoped, just maybe, things wouldn't go as badly as he feared...

"Mei! How are you, darling?"

Shuuichi resisted the urge to chase after his uncle's car and beg to go back. He could just go back to campus, go to the movies with Kokichi, get out of the terrible clothes he kept in the back of his closet and only took out when he went to see his parents... He'd left his normal clothing, along with his binder, at school, not wanting to bring anything that would cause more arguing than they were already guaranteed to have. He didn't want to hear it—not when he was so close to not even needing his binder anymore. Just one more visit like this. He could do it.

"I'm fine mother, thank you."

His voice was still on the feminine side, but she still frowned when he spoke. It was deeper than the last time he'd seen them, which meant the hormones were working. Silver linings, he supposed.

"Mei, why are you talking like that?" his father asked. Shuuichi knew that they both knew why. They just couldn't seem to understand the reasoning of the why. "You sound like a boy."

He bit his tongue. I am a boy.

"...I apologize." He switched the pronouns he used to more gender neutral ones, but he didn't try to raise the pitch of his voice. He'd spent years trying to regulate his voice to sound the way he wanted it to, and he wasn't turning back now. "It's good to see you both."

How many times would he lie that weekend? Probably enough to put Kokichi's entire record to shame.

"Oh, you too darling!" His mother ushered him into the parlor, while his father followed behind them. Shuuichi grasped his bag tighter, feeling trapped between them. "How is school going for my baby girl? Are the boys falling all over themselves to get to you?"

He flinched, not able to help it. Thankfully, she hadn't been facing him to catch it.

"Well..." At least there was one thing he could answer honestly. He hadn't seen them since he and Kokichi got together at Christmas, so they had no idea he was in a relationship. "I have a boyfriend, actually." He smiled for the first time since he'd arrived as he thought of Kokichi's brightly grinning face. "His name is Kokichi Ouma, the Ultimate Supreme Leader. We're both in class B."

He didn't mention their dorms being next to each other. They really should have figured he stayed in the male dorms, but sometimes he didn't know where their wishful thinking ended and their denial began.

His father nodded in approval, and his mother clasped her hands together excitedly, exclaiming, "A boyfriend, how lovely!" It was sickening how relieved she sounded. How would she react if she knew he'd had crushes on just as many girls as boys? Or that his boyfriend was proudly pansexual? Not well, he knew. "Do you have a picture?"

Kokichi's phone was full of pictures of them together, or snapshots he took because "My beloved Shuuichi is just too cute!" but Shuuichi knew he had a few too. But did he really want to show them...? Well, he wasn't ashamed of Kokichi, so why not?

"Ah, just a moment..." He fished his phone out of his pockets—he tried not to think about how these were the most feminine slacks he owned and how they didn't fit him well now that the fat from his hips was being redistributed elsewhere or how he really just hated them—and brought up his photo album. Really, he wasn't big on taking photos outside of crime scenes, so Kokichi was really all he had to show off.

He saw one of his favorites, taken just after Valentine's Day, when they'd left campus to go to a little café Kokichi loved. He had frosting all around his lips, and he'd looked too cute not to take a photo. Thinking back, he recalled that after he'd taken the picture, Kokichi lips had looked too sweet not to kiss. It had certainly been a nice date.

Shuuichi held out the phone for her to see. He didn't expect her to take his entire phone.

"Oh my, he is a cutie, but he looks so young..." Kokichi was going to be seventeen in June, just a few months away, but Shuuichi supposed he did look a bit on the young side. Not that he'd ever change a thing about his boyfriend. Without a thought to his privacy, his mother scrolled through his photos. He was glad he didn't have anything risqué on it. "Mei, what's this?"

She held out his phone, and just as she'd done, he too snatched it back before she could try to stop him. He glanced at the photo before pocketing it—he and Kokichi were dressed in their school uniforms, and he had one arm around Kokichi as he took the picture.

"It's a picture of me and my boyfriend at school." Wearing the right uniforms, he thought. Why can't you just accept that? "May I be excused? I'm tired from the long drive."

His parents shared a look, and then his father nodded, gesturing to the door that would lead him to the bedrooms. "Your room is just how you left it. We'll talk more at dinner."

Why did that sound like a threat?

He stood up and gave them a quick, shallow bow before leaving the room as quickly as he could without outright running. Not even an hour, and already he wanted to leave. He settled for going to his childhood room and getting away from his parents for a little while. They were no doubt using the time to discuss him—his voice, his clothes, his upcoming surgery... He didn't want to hear a word of it.

Of course, seeing his old room didn't exactly help. Memories of his past surfaced as he entered his room and shut the door behind him. Disappointment that he'd never been allowed to decorate in the blacks and deep blues he preferred, being told the pastel pinks and yellows that still adorned the room were more fitting for their little girl. He glanced at the bed, remembering the night he finally got the courage to tell them he was a boy and asked them to call him Shuuichi, only to have them laugh and tell him to stop being ridiculous. Upon telling them he was serious, his father had started yelling, and nothing had really been the same since.

He remembered all the nights he'd cried, and how the tears had been full of relief the day he packed his personal belongings, knowing he was leaving to live with his uncle, who loved his nephew just as he was. There were so many emotions coming back to him; too many.

He set his bag on the light pink bedspread and sat down beside it, taking out his phone. He scrolled down his short list of contacts until he came to the right name, picking it and waiting for an answer. He got it on the second ring.

"Shuuichi! Are you okay?" Kokichi's voice was laced with worry. Shuuichi was about to assure him that he was fine, but he paused. Was he okay? "Shuuichi, are you there?"

"...Sorry. I was just thinking. Actually, I.. I don't think I'm okay. Can you just talk to me? About anything. I just don't want to think right now."

He heard Kokichi's breath hitch at his confession, and he wished he had the other boy with him. This would just have to do, he supposed.

"Don't be sorry. I, um... Oh, I have a meeting with my followers tomorrow!"

Shuuichi listened as Kokichi explained about his upcoming plans with DICE, focusing on the sound of his boyfriend's voice and blocking out the rest of the world, if only for a little while.

He and Kokichi talked—well, Shuuichi mostly listened—until it was dinnertime at the academy. Kokichi offered to stay on the line, but Shuuichi politely declined, knowing he'd be called down by his parents before long. He thanked Kokichi—"Don't thank me! I told you to call if you needed to, and you'd better call again if they keep being jerks!"—and hung up, awaiting the inevitable. Sure enough, not much time passed before there was a knock at his door.

"Mei, come out for dinner, darling!"

He reluctantly got to his feet, wishing he could just bluntly tell his mother that there was no Mei there. He could, he supposed, but that would lead to an argument that he really wasn't up for. It would all start crashing down before long, even without him helping it along.

At least, he thought, they hadn't insisted he dress up, as they had the last time he'd visited and he'd found himself wearing dresses the entire time. He certainly wasn't opposed to boys wearing whatever clothes they felt comfortable in, certainly not—Kokichi owned multiple cute skirts that he looked absolutely charming in—but he wasn't comfortable in dresses at all. He'd felt that way even before he'd realized why he was uncomfortable being called a girl.

The last visit had left him absolutely miserable, so if nothing else, at least they were letting him wear clothes that only mildly made him feel dysphoric. Small miracles, he thought bitterly, knowing they certainly weren't doing anything to actually make him feel comfortable there.

He joined his mother in the hall and tried his best to return her smile. They walked to the dining table together, finding his father sitting right where he always had. Shuuichi took the spot he always did when he was there, and his mother followed suit. It was a familiar situation, but not a particularly pleasant one. They gave their thanks for the food and began eating, though Shuuichi barely tasted it. Anxiety filled him as he waited for someone to start talking. He didn't need to be an Ultimate Detective to know what would be said.

Amazingly, his father waited until they were all almost done eating before he spoke up, "We got a letter saying you're going in for surgery soon." He made a mental note to speak with the hospital's record keeping department yet again. They didn't seem to understand that his parents had no right to know his medical history. Not anymore. He wondered how livid they'd been when they'd opened the letter. Had there been shouting? Tears? Plans to disown him a second time? "When were you planning on telling us?"

Never.

"Right before the date. There was no need to worry you. My procedure carries the normal risks of surgery, but I should make a full recovery within two weeks." That wasn't the point, and he knew it. They knew he knew it. "If it makes you feel better, I haven't told anyone at school yet either, except for Kokichi." He made sure to use Kokichi's given name in front of them, though he usually only used it when he and Kokichi were talking alone. He wanted them to know just how serious he was about the other boy. "He was very happy for me. He knows how much I want this."

How much he needed it. Top surgery wasn't going to magically cure his body dysphoria, he knew, but it would certainly help. And if he didn't have to worry about getting short of breath when he wore his binder up to his limit, which would be wonderful too. He knew Kokichi would feel better as well, knowing that he didn't have to worry about Shuuichi passing out because he'd pushed things. Shuuichi knew his body's limits well, but this would still be such a relief.

"Oh, so Ouma knows about your..." He waited for his mother to finish. Fantasy? Delusion? What would she call it this time? "...condition."

That was probably the kindest way she'd put it, and he still felt his temper rise.

"Mother, I'm transgender, not dying." And now that he'd said the forbidden word, the night was sure to only go downhill from there. "Of course he knows. I love him. I'd never hide anything from him! I told him before I even agreed to date him."

"So he thought you were a boy all along?" His father sounded mildly disgusted, and Shuuichi's normally firm grasp on his temper slipped even more.

"I am a boy! And Kokichi doesn't care what my body is like or what my gender is. He loves me, not what he likes to pretend I am!"

As his voice rose, he slipped back into using his normal masculine pronouns. What was he doing? These people gave him up when he wouldn't play along with them and be their perfect little daughter. They had no right to make him feel bad about himself. He was sixteen, an Ultimate student at Japan's most illustrious high school, and he was getting rid of his breasts whether they liked it or not.

"I'm having top surgery regardless of your opinion on the matter. And honestly, you gave up the right to have an opinion I should give any thought to three years ago. This is my body, and I'm going to do whatever it takes for me to be comfortable in it."

At first, they merely stared, likely surprised as he rarely spoke out of turn, let alone doing the yelling himself. After a few terribly long moments, his father stood up and left the room, and his mother burst into tears quicker than Kokichi did when he didn't get his way. And unlike his boyfriend, who was blatantly faking it ninety-five percent of the time, he felt no pity for her.

"You say you aren't dying, but where my daughter? Where's my little Mei?"

No pity at all.

"You don't have a daughter." He stood up and headed out of the room, not asking for permission. "You have a son, whether you want one or not. There is no Mei. My name is Shuuichi, and I'd like it if you could finally start calling me that. Otherwise, I doubt I'll be coming back after this."

She didn't respond, so he went back to his room without another word. He didn't cry, not this time. He didn't even feel the urge to. His hands trembled with a mixture of anxiety and anger, but he'd finally said what he'd wanted without anyone talking over him, and it was as liberating as it was nerve-wracking.

Upon reaching his room, he lay on his bed and laughed as he pulled out his phone. After hitting that familiar number, it only took one ring this time.

"What happened? You're okay, aren't you? Do you need me to call a cab? I can get on a train if you need me to get you!"

Shuuichi laughed again at the pure worry in Kokichi's tone. God, he loved that boy so much.

"I did it. I told them exactly how I feel and that I'm done with it. Kokichi, I did it."

"...I'm really proud of you, Shuuichi. Was it scary?"

For the first time since he'd first discussed moving in with his uncle, Shuuichi found himself able to talk about how he felt without feeling an ounce of shame or embarrassment or judgment, knowing that his parents held nothing over him. He felt free!

"It was. My father left without saying anything and my mother started crying, but I still said it. I, um, told them about you today too. Before all this."

"Did you tell them I'm your adorable future husband?"

Shuuichi flushed at the very idea, but he couldn't deny that he wouldn't mind being Shuuichi Ouma one day.

"Isn't this where you laugh and saying you were lying?" he muttered, though there was a smile on his face.

"Who said I was lying?" He wished he could see Kokichi's face. It was next to impossible to tell what he was thinking by his voice alone. "When we graduate, I'm going to propose to my beloved detective, just you wait!"

Ah, there were those tears. At least they weren't there because of his parents for once.

"Then... I'll have to accept when that time comes." He heard Kokichi's sharp intake of breath and imagined that his face was just as red as Shuuichi's was. "Will I finally get to meet the other members of DICE when I'm your husband?"

Kokichi giggled at his teasing question and started going on about what a perfect couple they were going to make when they were married, and Shuuichi let himself get lost in the prospect of such an enticing future. That was certainly one he wanted enough to work hard for. A top detective, with a husband who loved him unconditionally, even if he was a troublemaker...

Maybe this trip wasn't all a bust after all.

The next morning, Shuuichi woke up after talking to Kokichi long into the night, only hanging up when he could no longer keep his eyes open and Kokichi sounded sleepy enough to drift off right over the phone. He got up and took a shower in the oddly silent house, dressing afterwards with a bit of regret, now wishing that he'd brought his binder and normal clothes after all. Oh well, he was going home the next day anyway, assuming he wasn't going to be met with a demand to leave the house immediately and never come back.

He eventually found his mother in the same room he'd left her, though his father was nowhere to be seen.

"Ah, good morning, darling." She sounded more subdued than usual, but she wasn't crying at least. He nodded in greeting as he made his way to the table. Soon, she placed an omelet in front of him, and his eyes widened in surprise. Normally, she wrote Mei in cutesy katakana on his omelets with ketchup, as she'd done ever since he was a child. But not today. Today, while still in cutesy katakana, it said Shuuichi.

It actually said his name.

"I... I thought you might like that better."

It wasn't an apology, and he didn't forgive her, but it was a small step in the right direction. He took a bite of the omelet and was pleased to find that for the first time in years, he was actually able to taste his mother's cooking.

"You're okay now, right?"

It was Sunday night, and Kokichi had broken the rules for the umpteenth time to sneak into his room past curfew. Shuuichi had never thought he'd be so happy to be back at school, yet there he was, glad the weekend was over.

"Yes, I'm doing remarkably well." He really was. He'd barely seen his father, and his mother had made an attempt to call him Shuuichi. She'd even given him a hug before he'd gotten in his uncle's car to go back to school. He didn't know if things had really changed in any significant way or if he'd be invited back, or if he'd even go back if he were. He only knew that he was done worrying about it. If they didn't want him in their lives, that was their problem, not his.

"Good! Because now we have a very important topic to discuss." His purple eyes sparkled in a way that told Shuuichi the topic wasn't going to be heavy in the slightest. "I know that we won't be able to do this for a while after you have surgery, so we need to cuddle constantly, okay? Like, all the time. If I don't, I might die of separation anxiety while you're recovering!"

Shuuichi laughed softly at Kokichi's teary-eyed dramatics and hugged him a little closer, seeing as they already were cuddling. They hadn't even been apart since he'd arrived back on campus, finding Kokichi waiting for him at the gates. He conveniently refused to answer how long he'd been there waiting, but when they'd run into Rantarou and Kiibo earlier, their robotic friend mentioned something about Kokichi being out there since after breakfast and even skipping lunch, which had earned him a nice lecture about skipping meals.

"It's only two weeks, and it's not like you can't see me at all. You'll have to be careful of my chest until I've completely healed, of course, and I can't do anything too strenuous for a while, but I trust you to manage that."

Kokichi nodded and nuzzled further into the embrace. Seeing as it was nighttime and he was in his pajamas, he wasn't wearing his binder, but Kokichi paid no mind to the fact that his chest wasn't flat. He never had, and Shuuichi felt incredibly happy to have found a boy who didn't treat him as an oddity.

"Kokichi?"

"Yes?" He smiled at his boyfriend, leaning down to place a chaste kiss to his lips. "Ah, Shuuichi is kissing me? I'm so lucky!"

Shuuichi still had doubts and anxieties about his parents, his past, and certainly his future. But he wasn't lying when he said that he was in a far better state than when he'd left. He was going to make new memories to replace all of the bad ones, and he had a supportive uncle, friends, and boyfriend to help him. He was going to be just fine.

That thought in mind, he leaned down again and pressed their lips back together, a bit more forceful this time. Kokichi kissed back eagerly, pressing their bodies closer. There had been a time when that sort of contact scared him, but not now. Not with Kokichi.

"I love you," he murmured between kisses, his hands tangling themselves in Kokichi's hair. In return, Kokichi was gripping the back of his pajama top tightly. They'd only been dating for a few months, so they hadn't gone further than kissing, and Shuuichi wasn't really ready for more than that. Kokichi never asked for more than he was willing to give. "I really love you."

"I've never loved anyone as much as my beloved Shuuichi," Kokichi crooned back, his tongue darting out to lap at Shuuichi's lips. "That's why I'm going to marry you, after all."

Now that he could see Kokichi's face and look into his eyes, he could see that there wasn't a single part of him that was joking about that. Kokichi truly wanted to marry him one day.

"We're only sixteen..."

Another kiss. Another.

"We won't be sixteen forever. What about the day we graduate? If I propose to you in front of everyone, would you say yes? Or is that too much?" As in—will that embarrass you? Kokichi didn't do anything halfway—he went all out, big and loudly. He'd probably scheme for the next two years just to make his proposal the perfect spectacle. "I can wait until we're alone too, if you'd like that more."

"I..." There was really no saying that they'd even be together when they graduated, if Shuuichi was being realistic. How many couples who got together in their first year of high school were still together by third year? But he was just so sick of pessimistic realism. He wanted to be optimistic that he and Kokichi could last. He wanted to have hope. "I guess if it's you, I wouldn't mind if you make it... public."

Kokichi's eyes sparkled, and he leaned in for another deep kiss, his tongue finding Shuuichi's own. Shuuichi moaned into the kiss, feeling his body tingle as they made out like the eager teenagers they were. In his lap, he could feel evidence poking into his lower stomach that Kokichi was just as excited. He forced himself to calm down—Kokichi wasn't going to go too far, he knew he wasn't.

Sure enough, it wasn't much longer before Kokichi pulled back, his face flushed and eyes hazed with lust.

"I think this is where I have to say goodnight, Shuuichi." Shuuichi knew exactly why that was, and he blushed hotly. "I'll see you in the morning."

"W-wait!" He reached out and grabbed one of Kokichi's long sleeves, embarrassed when Kokichi looked at him with wide eyes. "Um, I mean... I know it's against the rules, but I wouldn't mind if you stayed."

"...To sleep, or to...?"

"Sleep!" He answered quickly, wishing a hole would just swallow him up and save him all this embarrassment. "Just sleep!" When Kokichi gestured towards his lap, Shuuichi thought he might die. "I'm sorry! You can do whatever you need to first, but if you came back and wanted to sleep in the same bed, I'd... I'd really like that."

"Don't apologize when you don't have anything to be sorry about," Kokichi admonished gently. He stood up and headed towards the door, stopping to listen and make sure a certain Ultimate Hallway Monitor wasn't roaming about. "Give me a bit, and I'll be back. I'd like to share a bed with my beloved Shuuichi too!"

He flashed Shuuichi a grin before darting out into the hall. Once he was gone, Shuuichi let out a deep sigh, burying his face in his hands. It wasn't the first time Kokichi had gotten hard while they were making out, but it was the first time he'd asked Kokichi to stay, even if he hadn't meant it that way. He hoped he wasn't coming off as a tease, because he really didn't mean to be like that. It wasn't like he didn't want to get intimate with Kokichi, he just wasn't ready for it yet. Since Kokichi never pushed it, that meant he was okay with their pace, right...?

He waited patiently for Kokichi to return, and before he knew it, his door opened and Kokichi slipped in, locking the door behind himself. He grinned happily as he made his way back over to the bed and laid down, tugging Shuuichi down next to him. Shuuichi opened his arms to allow Kokichi to make himself comfortable, which he did by laying his head on Shuuichi's chest, right near his heart.

"Is this okay?" he asked, his tone serious. Shuuichi didn't need to think about it before nodding. "Great! Just kick me out of bed if I sprawl out too much or something, alright?"

"I think we'll be fine," he replied, reaching over to turn off the lamp near his bed. "Goodnight Kokichi."

"Goodnight Shuuichi." Shuuichi let his face bury in Kokichi's hair, ready to try his hand at sleeping next to another person, when he heard a quiet, simple, "I love you."

Shuuichi smiled into Kokichi's hair and whispered the little declaration back.

Kokichi had to sneak back to his room early in the morning, but neither could really care about getting caught when they'd slept so well. Shuuichi was secretly pleased to note Kokichi had been joking about tossing and turning so badly as to need to get kicked out of bed. He couldn't imagine he'd actually ever toss Kokichi out, but it was still nice to know he slept quite peacefully.

Now they walked to class together, hand in hand, as they always did. Everything was back to their normal routine, and yet, Shuuichi knew that a lot had changed.

"Hey, guess what I saw when I was going back to my room?" Despite not caring for gossip, Shuuichi gestured for Kokichi to go on. Kokichi pouted when he didn't guess, but only for a moment before giggling loudly. "Amami was sneaking out of a certain Ultimate Robot's room!"

Shuuichi briefly wondered how that worked when Kiibo didn't need to sleep, but he quickly decided it was none of his business what the couple did behind closed doors. Just as no one needed to know what he and Kokichi did either. Not that there was much to say, but still.

"...Will you come back to my room again tonight?"

Kokichi giggled and squeezed Shuuichi's hand affectionately.

"If that's what you want! I'd like see someone try to keep me away!"

Shuuichi laughed quietly and squeezed back.

Yes, things were definitely going to be okay.